Married White Female

We were watching Lost last night, the part in Wednesday's episode where someone dies. I was frowning at the screen, totally into the moment, when Hoop turned to me and said...

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: If I had just died, and we'd never had sex before, would you feel my package?
Tink: What?
Hoop: You know, to see what you were missing?
Tink: NO.
Hoop: Oh.
Tink: ...
Hoop: ...
Tink: ...Would you?!

************
I think I'm going to place a want ad in the local alternative paper... for some girlfriends. Yeah, there's just no way to say that without sounding like a loser. For the last five years I've worked at a beer distributor, surrounded by men. What few women I have as coworkers are either older or have incompatible lifestyles. I'm not in school. My extracurricular activities consist of drinking with the boys and attending a monthly wine book club, which I thoroughly enjoy, but that caters to women twice my age.

I've unintentionally cut off all avenues for finding girlfriends in my age bracket. But I refuse to believe that I'm alone in this. I live in a military city, after all! Surely there are women who have followed their soldiers here, only to be left alone while their partners fight overseas. I'm not looking for a BFF. Shit, I'm not even looking for a BF. I just want someone with low drama who wants to meet for a drink or sushi or shopping every once in awhile. Any suggestions how I can write this thing without sounding like a freak or a pervert?

So, anyway, we'll see. Maybe something will come of it...

...or maybe it'll just be really great blog fodder.

Have a great weekend Homebloys!

Blogger Seeking Fodder

Today's blog fodder is brought to you by Folioweekly.

Women Seeking Men

BLUE-EYED BLONDE. Young, pretty, 54, 5'6", looking for preferably blue-collar clown who will tease me and make me laugh. If you want someone special to live and laugh with, contact me. Hardworking, loyal, honesty a must. Be careful what you wish for!

Bozo says, "54! I thought you said she was 'young'."

Men Seeking Women

BAKED BEANS = INCREASE MILEAGE. Mentally retired, high-school grad, non-smoker, non-drinker, can't dance. Single white male, 51, 6', 195, iron-pumping, nose-picking, book reader, movie lover, ravenous eater! Seeking single white female, private sex therapist to cure aging, hormone overload, sleeplessness, boredom! In this case, honesty is probably NOT the best policy. Also, did anyone else mistakenly read mentally retired as mentally retarded?

ELVIS IN THE BUILDING. Well... sorta! Played drums for Elvis. I am 55, attractive, good shape, non-smoker, social drinker, music lover, active, loving, caring, down-to-earth, very romantic, full head of hair. So "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" Let's "Shake, Rattle and Roll." The man has been dead thirty-one years and you're still riding on his coattails?

I Saw You

BIG RED. Now this is very bold! You're so fine, you blow my mind. Maybe in time we can have more than coffee in common? Until then, I guess that I'll see you around. From Little Red. I got five bucks that the dude's real name is Mickey.

THE INCREDIBLE SNAIL. You scoot, scoot, scoot on your candy red apple. The service was great. Extra cheese, hold the fork. Cucumbers are a must. Smoothies sometime? I'm sure you're sick of coffee. It's legal in my sexy red shoe. It's ads like these that make me believe in secret drug rings.

TINSELTOWN HOTTIE. Your flaming red hair set my heart on fire. Your beautiful blue eyes chilled me to the bone. I regret being too shy to ask for your number. Let's rendezvous for a late night double feature! Rawr! Love, Icy-Hot.

COLOR ME BAD. You: Blue bear, blue bear... getting tattooed, you're so cool! Me: Tall, blonde vixen... not! (funny noise, funny noise) make the pain go away! Maybe we can color in the Hello Kitty coloring book together one day! ...What?

KOH CD RELEASE PARTY. You: The devil. Me: Your doll. I think our friends were as shocked as we are. We are life long fishing buddies! Let's go argue about this in bed naked! Even rednecks find true love. Aw.

UNICORN GIRL. You're honestly the prettiest unicorn I've ever seen. And on top of that, you're a girl, too. Best combo ever. Even better than peanut butter and bread. Nothing beats peanut butter and bread. NOTHING.

Tomorrow I will be out of the office and unable to check everyone's WWC submissions. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't post them! I should have mine up by *tonight and I'll come by your blogs first thing on Wednesday. *Unless I can actually figure out how to set auto-post. Happy snapping!

Saved By Cuteness

Stare at this for a moment...

I didn't have time to vlog or add a new chapter to Twisted (Tink).

But you can't be mad at me. The cuteness is overwhelming!

See?

Oh-kay. I'll stop. On to other things!

Below blog fodder provided by Folioweekly.

Women Seeking Men

FISHING PARTNER. Single white female, 46, kids are grown, loves fishing, football and family. In search of "good ole boy" with a boat who shares similar interests. Let me cook for you, you'll be hooked! Don't do it! She just wants the boat! Next she'll be after your bubba truck.

REBEL YELL! Fly away with me to a place we've never been before! Single white female, 48, mother, non-smoker, seeks single male, 45-55, for something we've never known before. Yes, fly, fly away you weird metaphor people.

KINKY & ROUGH. 25, white French femme, in shape with implants. Full figured size, skinny waist. Seeking BDSM partner with big attributes, something that would hunt. Must be strong and able to control this certified angus beefsteak. Something that would HUNT? As in catch you food?! That is one amazing penis.

Men Seeking Women

SURVIVAL OF THE FIT. White male, sixties, semi-retired but keeping busy. Looking to share the company of a fit, intelligent lady with a sense of humor. If you are a boater, that is a bonus. Recreational over procreational. I don't care how big your boat is Sweetie. It doesn't make up for the fact that your junk is broken.

CLASSY GENTLEMAN. Gentleman in his 50's, college graduate who likes mountain climbing, hiking, movies, swimming, tennis, and golf. Looking for a young lady, 25-55, who likes the same things for a long-term relationship. Saying you graduated from college (What, twenty-five years ago?) does NOT give you something in common with the twenty year olds you're targeting.

I LOVE MY DOG BUT...
It's not the same. I'm respectful, 5'11", 180, young 57, funny conversational, secure, versatile, kissable, attractive, committable, romantic, clean, honest. Do you love your dog, or do you LOVE your dog?

63-YEAR-OLD, DIVORCED. Have money; live in RV. Looking for a woman. No baggage or strings. I bet he doesn't have any fingerprints or an ID either.

I Saw You

THE OASIS IN THE SUN. You: legs from here to eternity, smile that lights up the room, sense of humor that comes from the heart. Always serving up a meal with absolute grace. How do I modify my behavior to overcome my shyness? Whoa. How does she find pants?

MUFFIN TOP MEETS BEAR. You: Grizzly Adams behind the bar. Me: Muffin Top who just lost cat. I needed a hug; you were too busy being rude to customers. Can't wait to see you again so we can discuss how to tame you! I bet he won't hug you after he beats you either.

DOODLE DANDY. You made me feel like a wild animal who couldn't wait to pounce. My claws protracted, my juices were flowing, my fever was burning. Your golf skills, dog skills, nunchuck skills are unsurpassed. How are your bow hunting skills? Ewwwww. People like this keep Mace in business.

Have a great weekend! Don't forget the WWC words for this week are LIFE and WHITE.

Weirdees

Thank you Folioweekly for providing the blog fodder.

Women Seeking Men

HERE I AM WHERE ARE YOU? Widowed too young, white, 49, Leo is my sign, let's meet to wine and dine, just to talk would be fine. I smoke, letting you know- so you don't choke, plain simple folk, lots of fun, try me hon! A rhyming ad. How... cute. Maybe you and your date can hit up a Dr. Seuss convention.

SEEKING SUGAR DADDY. Slim, curvaceous, attractive professional single female wishes to enhance her lifestyle with personable professional having life's finest amenities. This classy beauty boasts 0 baggage, 0 tolerance for drama. Highly effective Kama Sutra adventuress. Qualified? You know business is slow when the prostitutes are advertising.

SIMILAR INTERESTS? Travel, Jesus, family, divorce, romance, passion, honesty, commitment, beach, canoeing, shopping, dining. Similar interests? Write, print, stamp, send. I should request an ad space next to hers...

"SIMILAR INTERESTS? Local, Satan, hermit, bachelor, torture, obsession, lies, kidnap, desert, hunting, robbing, cannibalism. Seeks opposite. I'll. Find. You."

Men Seeking Women

SEEKING SEXY SMOKER. Handsome, divorced, white, 5'10" 180, 57, well-educated, financially secure, affectionate, quality traits. Especially prefers a woman who smokes! Should be reasonably attractive, affectionate, monogamous and appreciate a man who will love you completely and your cigarette smoke too. Oh yeah. Because there's nothing sexier than dirty talk through a mechanical larynx.

FRESH OUT OF B.S.! I'm the big 5-0, 6', 205, gray-white hair, physically fit, non-smoker, non-drinker, restoring my aluminum castle. Enjoy being with open-minded, sensual women that know ideal men are indeed imperfect! "Restoring my aluminum castle." Is that a fancy way of saying "Getting my trailer out of hock"?

EXCELLENT DANCER. Mature, Bostonian, excellent dancer, sports car enthusiast seeks elegant ballroom dancing partner. Romantic co-pilot for mutually good times, experience preferred, willing to train right candidate. Life is a romantic banquet, let's not starve. Most people shoot low once they get to the point of needing an ad. Not this guy. He wants a ballroom dancer who knows how to co-pilot a plane. I hope you're rich, Buddy. Otherwise you'll be enjoying that banquet alone... With some Vaseline.

I Saw You

BE MY CHILLI PEPPER! You: pierced hot tamale who makes me wanna get spicy! I hope your nacho bell is grande. Me: Sista you can't resista', red beans and rice didn't miss her! Come dip your chip in my salsa anytime. Mmm. Taco Hell. I'll have a Chalupa without the side of stupidity please.

ASIAN ELVIS. You: more Elvis than Bruce Lee. Me: Short haired minor. Saw you first on the wrong side of the tracks in San Marco. Haven't stopped wanting you since. Could you bring my heart back across the Buckman? Elvis always did love minors.

RED BOWTIE AFFAIR. Saw you, Pee-Wee Herman look-alike, at UNF sporting Greek letter AT. Is that frat house as much fun as the playhouse? I hope so. Me: Cowboy Curtis. I think we were made for each other; let me lasso you down. I always thought those two had a thing for each other! Curtis was always telling Pee-Wee, "You know what they say! Big boots...big feet!" Uh huh. We're on to you Curtis.

Where Stupidity Reigns

InADvisable: Thank you Folioweekly for providing the blog fodder.

Women Seeking Men:

CATCH THIS BUTTERFLY. Unique, educated, long-haired, slim girl looking for gentleman who enjoys discussing politics and having great fun! The smallest things. A sip of wine on the sand. Gentleman, 55-69, let's be classy together. Still happy at heart! Only a sip? Well you let me know when that's going to happen and I'll be sure to take the rest of the bottle off your hands, OK?

Men Seeking Women:

THE BUFFET OF LIFE. Equality, Independence, freedom, variety, honesty and individuality. All this and good company, simple pleasures and sinful desires! Single white male, 50, 6', 200, non-smoker, non-drinker, seeking open-minded, shapely female for cool friendship. This guy is GOOD. I almost forgot he was looking for a Fuck Buddy.

I Saw You:

NOTE TO THE BUG MAN. Mr. Proquest bug man: you serviced me very well. You strong, gentle man. Me: a tall, skinny hunk of a man. I hope one day you will finish servicing me even better. Miss you very much. I'll donate some termites to your cause!

HOT BARTENDER. You: Tall and handsome. Me: short, great personality, attractive but needs dental work. I come to your work every night waiting for you to give me a sign. I love your cocktails. See ya soon! At least she's an honest stalker. Sad when bad teeth are your major defining feature. They'll make the police sketch easier to draw.

TALL SEXY GIRL. With the magnificent schnoz. I watched you take a baby step, stumble and fall backwards. You know I would have caught you had you gone forward; maybe I will see you try again. Huh. I would have thought a large nose would help her balance.

YOU WERE COMCASTIC! You: 5'8," drunk girl sleeping at Lynch's corner table using words like "yins," "Stillers," and shouting "this is Amurrica" before you went unconscious. Me: Lonely sailor preparing to leave. Let's meet at Atlantic for Red Bull/Vodkas and patriotism. What does this have to do with internet/cable?

ASIAN MOVIE MONSTER. You: Asian, long-haired, with Simpsons tie, works at the theatre. Me: short, with more to love, face of Han but body of Jabba. I sense the force is strong with you; you can spring my roll any time! That's if he can find it... I'm never eating sushi (or jello) ever again.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: I love you.
Tink: I love you more.
Hoop: That's not possible.
Tink: Yes it is. I have a meter that I check regularly. It says that my love for you is higher.
Hoop: Then your meter is broken.
Tink: No it's not. I have another meter that checks that the first meter is working.
Hoop: Then the batteries must be dead on the second meter.
Tink: No, I have a meter man check the second meter once a week.
Hoop: Then your meter man is an idiot.
Tink: *Gasp* Are you calling God an idiot?!
Hoop: *Blink* What?
Tink: Oooo, you're going to Hell.
Hoop: Now you're just trying to confuse me!

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: I hate the commute to work!
Hoop: I wish I could afford to buy you a helicopter.
Tink: And a pilot to go with it?
Hoop: You wouldn't want to learn how to fly?
Tink: I could... But I'm a creature of habit. I'd forget to put gas in the tank one day and then the gas light would come on and I'd be like, "I can make it!" But I wouldn't, and instead of coasting into work I'd crash land into it.
Hoop: Oh-kay. Nix the copter idea.

Pee-In-Your-Pants Good

InADvisable: Thank you Folioweekly for providing the blog fodder.

Women Seeking Men:

MY COWBOY LOVER. Looking for early 20s country boy, must love fishing, hunting, being outdoors. Huge truck is a plus. Me: 5'11", 145 lbs, country girl who loves anything outside: four wheelers, mud bogging, etc. Let's get dirty! Welcome to FRDN, Florida's Redneck Dating Network! If you have all of your teeth, press one. If you have more than two baby-daddies, press 2...

TESTING THE WATERS. You: hard working, outgoing, real man, loves Jesus, mud bogging, motorcycles, camping, and treating their women well. Mechanic a plus. 40-60, no young kids, no addicts. Me: single white female, 40's, willing to take a chance. I like how she slid the "mechanic a plus" line in there. This ad feels like a really cheap way of finding a new handyman. Make sure you check out the "pipes" before the car, buddy.

Men Seeking Women:

BENT HALO GOLDEN HEART. Old soul seeks playmate! Single white male, 50, 6', 200, seeking witty, erotic, slightly tainted, puritan female. Somewhere lost between misery, monogamy, and upward mobility is truth, poetry, and peace on earth! Can you dig it? Put. The bong. Down.

WHERE ARE YOU? White, 57, seeking adventurous lady to sail wherever the winds blow, marriage possible. So if you want an affectionate, honest, loyal man that's into family not sports, quiet evenings cuddling up together, I'm your guy. One child OK. But he draws the line at one and a half.

I Saw You:

THE ATLANTIC. Me: looking ultra hot in snake skin boots. You: looking sweet and vulnerable, unconscious in the bathroom. There's something sexy about a grown man being carried out like a baby! Meet me at the ATL for some projectile vomiting! Just make sure you check her purse for Rufies first.

FALLING FOR A FATALE. Arm wrastlin, PBR guzzling, First Coast Rollerderby girl. I can't roll you out of my mind. See you at your next bout? Knock 'em out!

WACKO'S BAR AND GRILL. You: hot, white lady; I think you're in love with me. We talked about you going to nursing school. I'll help you fund it. Me: short, big, white guy in tank top with Jheri curl mullet. Of course she loves you! Mullets are so irresistible.

ROBOT AFFAIR. You: Camel lashes, monster mashes, Godzilla and Panda-Z. I'll keep you warmer than a Transformer buy a robot I'll never be. But can you guess who would write this for you? Tell me the password and see.

GOT LOONS? I saw you with your loons and you were wearing those black ankle socks looking hot. I was hoping that we could share the loons and enjoy long walks on the beach with them and, of course, each other! Ok, so I looked up "Loons" and it turns out they're a kind of bird. But at first I was imagining mental patients on leashes. So you can understand how it made the list.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: Absolutely not. I'm putting my foot down, Hoop.
Hoop: Oh yeah? Well, I'm putting mine up!

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: My jaw hurts.
Hoop: *Smirk*
Tink: I think I was gritting my teeth in my sleep.
Hoop: *Giggle*
Tink: WHAT?
Hoop: I'm sorry. It's just, jaw pain always makes me think of blow jobs.
Tink: So... Are you implying I gave you a blow job in my sleep?
Hoop: No. But that would be fantastic!
Tink: Fantastic UNLESS I was also a sleep eater.

April Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. Oh shit its tink I'm feeling the love.
2. pickled chihuahua noses
3. jazzi from ass like whoa
4. "i'm too chubby for my shirt"
5. lone sailor carpet cleaning A new Lifetime show maybe?

Updates:
1. We got Internet at the house on Monday! Look for a guest post from Hoop soon.
2. Tuesday, the new cabinets arrived. We're still waiting on the counters and there will be some paint and tile repairs once they're through, but things are starting to come together. I should have pictures after this weekend.
3. There isn't a new chapter for Twisted Tink this week because I'm editing all the previous chapters and making some much needed additions and revisions. Hang tight. There should be a new chapter next week, once all the smoke and construction noises clear.

Shallow Musings Of A Wannabe Armpit-Sniffer

(Creative post title brought to you by the "Blog Title Generator" at Dingchak.net.)

InADvisable: Thank you Folioweekly for providing the blog fodder.

Women Seeking Men:

I'M NOT YOUR WIFE! Or your Mother or the other woman you think you own! The term is friends with benefits! White female, 52, 5'5", 180, seeking open-minded, available, white male, non-smoker. No alcoholics or Viagra jockeys! I'm getting bored, guys! I have no idea why you're still single. *Backs away slowly*

I Saw You:

SHIVER ME TIMBERS. You: Sexy drunk pirate at Target. Me: Confused. Thought maybe I hit your boat in the parking lot. Would like to check you for scurvy. Send me a message by parrot.

THE PEARL. Thank you for watching over me as I vomited in the street and my friend looked for my ride home. I would like to thank you in person. Because nothing says "True Love" like puke.

HOT GUY AT PUB. You: Sexy, bald, dancing manager at Fionn MacCool's on Thursday. Me: thick Latina lover who wants to get inside your khakis. Maybe we could share a Guinness and I could see your sausage rolls? If he has more than one roll, you need to head for the hills.

Men Seeking Women:

I'M NOT HUGH HEFNER! You're no Playboy bunny sweetheart! I use dumbells, you take Paxil! I collect movies, you're a shoe junkie! We're both somebody's ex! White male, 50, 6', 200, seeks lovable single female.

ONE KIND OF GUY. I am shrewd, analytical and practical; I possess all the necessary qualities to become the right man for anyone's dream man. 50, 5'8", 150lbs, black hair, brown eyes, very confident with positive outlook on life. Shrewd. Analytical. Practical. Wow... You sound like a TON of fun. Maybe we can meet at the Laundromat on Friday and fold socks together.

TARZAN LOOK FOR JANE. Tarzan white, 46 seasons, 5'10", solid 180, seek Jane. Good if Jane like water, jungle animals, and high places. Ok if Jane have kids. Jane no take Tarzan to mall. Tarzan nice.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: I had a dream last night that I died.
Hoop: That you died?
Tink: Yeah. But then I came back as a ghost and gave you cupcakes.
Hoop: Cupcakes.
Tink: Uh huh. To console you.
Hoop: Well that was nice.
Tink: Of course! I was a friendly ghost.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Hoop: Shoes last me forever.
Tink: Me too. Do you know when I got these boots?
Hoop: Seventh grade.
Tink: *Blink* That's right!
...
Tink: Did I ever tell you about the time-
Hoop: -your friend took date rape drugs on purpose?
Tink: Uh, yeah.
...
Tink: You wouldn't happen to know when my period is going to start, would you?
Hoop: In about two to three days.
Tink: Damn... You're good.

Courtesy of Odd Mix:

The words for this weekend are...

Tumble
Twirl

Have a fantastic weekend!