Where Stupidity Reigns
InADvisable: Thank you Folioweekly for providing the blog fodder.
Women Seeking Men:
CATCH THIS BUTTERFLY. Unique, educated, long-haired, slim girl looking for gentleman who enjoys discussing politics and having great fun! The smallest things. A sip of wine on the sand. Gentleman, 55-69, let's be classy together. Still happy at heart! Only a sip? Well you let me know when that's going to happen and I'll be sure to take the rest of the bottle off your hands, OK?
Men Seeking Women:
THE BUFFET OF LIFE. Equality, Independence, freedom, variety, honesty and individuality. All this and good company, simple pleasures and sinful desires! Single white male, 50, 6', 200, non-smoker, non-drinker, seeking open-minded, shapely female for cool friendship. This guy is GOOD. I almost forgot he was looking for a Fuck Buddy.
I Saw You:
NOTE TO THE BUG MAN. Mr. Proquest bug man: you serviced me very well. You strong, gentle man. Me: a tall, skinny hunk of a man. I hope one day you will finish servicing me even better. Miss you very much. I'll donate some termites to your cause!
HOT BARTENDER. You: Tall and handsome. Me: short, great personality, attractive but needs dental work. I come to your work every night waiting for you to give me a sign. I love your cocktails. See ya soon! At least she's an honest stalker. Sad when bad teeth are your major defining feature. They'll make the police sketch easier to draw.
TALL SEXY GIRL. With the magnificent schnoz. I watched you take a baby step, stumble and fall backwards. You know I would have caught you had you gone forward; maybe I will see you try again. Huh. I would have thought a large nose would help her balance.
YOU WERE COMCASTIC! You: 5'8," drunk girl sleeping at Lynch's corner table using words like "yins," "Stillers," and shouting "this is Amurrica" before you went unconscious. Me: Lonely sailor preparing to leave. Let's meet at Atlantic for Red Bull/Vodkas and patriotism. What does this have to do with internet/cable?
ASIAN MOVIE MONSTER. You: Asian, long-haired, with Simpsons tie, works at the theatre. Me: short, with more to love, face of Han but body of Jabba. I sense the force is strong with you; you can spring my roll any time! That's if he can find it... I'm never eating sushi (or jello) ever again.
Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: I love you.
Tink: I love you more.
Hoop: That's not possible.
Tink: Yes it is. I have a meter that I check regularly. It says that my love for you is higher.
Hoop: Then your meter is broken.
Tink: No it's not. I have another meter that checks that the first meter is working.
Hoop: Then the batteries must be dead on the second meter.
Tink: No, I have a meter man check the second meter once a week.
Hoop: Then your meter man is an idiot.
Tink: *Gasp* Are you calling God an idiot?!
Hoop: *Blink* What?
Tink: Oooo, you're going to Hell.
Hoop: Now you're just trying to confuse me!
Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: I hate the commute to work!
Hoop: I wish I could afford to buy you a helicopter.
Tink: And a pilot to go with it?
Hoop: You wouldn't want to learn how to fly?
Tink: I could... But I'm a creature of habit. I'd forget to put gas in the tank one day and then the gas light would come on and I'd be like, "I can make it!" But I wouldn't, and instead of coasting into work I'd crash land into it.
Hoop: Oh-kay. Nix the copter idea.