Thursday, June 07, 2007

Where Stupidity Reigns

InADvisable: Thank you Folioweekly for providing the blog fodder.

Women Seeking Men:

CATCH THIS BUTTERFLY. Unique, educated, long-haired, slim girl looking for gentleman who enjoys discussing politics and having great fun! The smallest things. A sip of wine on the sand. Gentleman, 55-69, let's be classy together. Still happy at heart! Only a sip? Well you let me know when that's going to happen and I'll be sure to take the rest of the bottle off your hands, OK?

Men Seeking Women:

THE BUFFET OF LIFE. Equality, Independence, freedom, variety, honesty and individuality. All this and good company, simple pleasures and sinful desires! Single white male, 50, 6', 200, non-smoker, non-drinker, seeking open-minded, shapely female for cool friendship. This guy is GOOD. I almost forgot he was looking for a Fuck Buddy.

I Saw You:

NOTE TO THE BUG MAN. Mr. Proquest bug man: you serviced me very well. You strong, gentle man. Me: a tall, skinny hunk of a man. I hope one day you will finish servicing me even better. Miss you very much. I'll donate some termites to your cause!

HOT BARTENDER. You: Tall and handsome. Me: short, great personality, attractive but needs dental work. I come to your work every night waiting for you to give me a sign. I love your cocktails. See ya soon! At least she's an honest stalker. Sad when bad teeth are your major defining feature. They'll make the police sketch easier to draw.

TALL SEXY GIRL. With the magnificent schnoz. I watched you take a baby step, stumble and fall backwards. You know I would have caught you had you gone forward; maybe I will see you try again. Huh. I would have thought a large nose would help her balance.

YOU WERE COMCASTIC! You: 5'8," drunk girl sleeping at Lynch's corner table using words like "yins," "Stillers," and shouting "this is Amurrica" before you went unconscious. Me: Lonely sailor preparing to leave. Let's meet at Atlantic for Red Bull/Vodkas and patriotism.
What does this have to do with internet/cable?

ASIAN MOVIE MONSTER. You: Asian, long-haired, with Simpsons tie, works at the theatre. Me: short, with more to love, face of Han but body of Jabba. I sense the force is strong with you; you can spring my roll any time! That's if he can find it... I'm never eating sushi (or jello) ever again.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: I love you.
Tink: I love you more.
Hoop: That's not possible.
Tink: Yes it is. I have a meter that I check regularly. It says that my love for you is higher.
Hoop: Then your meter is broken.
Tink: No it's not. I have another meter that checks that the first meter is working.
Hoop: Then the batteries must be dead on the second meter.
Tink: No, I have a meter man check the second meter once a week.
Hoop: Then your meter man is an idiot.
Tink: *Gasp* Are you calling God an idiot?!
Hoop: *Blink* What?
Tink: Oooo, you're going to Hell.
Hoop: Now you're just trying to confuse me!

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: I hate the commute to work!
Hoop: I wish I could afford to buy you a helicopter.
Tink: And a pilot to go with it?
Hoop: You wouldn't want to learn how to fly?
Tink: I could... But I'm a creature of habit. I'd forget to put gas in the tank one day and then the gas light would come on and I'd be like, "I can make it!" But I wouldn't, and instead of coasting into work I'd crash land into it.
Hoop: Oh-kay. Nix the copter idea.

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At 07 June, 2007, Anonymous wordgirl said...

Your imagination never ceases to amaze me and even though your Hoop conversations are totally real, they sound sort of imaginary as well. I think that's a good thing. They're never boring.

At 07 June, 2007, Blogger Newt said...

***Still chuckling over Hoop conversations*****

At 07 June, 2007, Blogger Nettie said...

Good Lord I wanna be a fly on your shoulder for an entire day.

At 07 June, 2007, Blogger Edge said...

It makes me feel so happy I'm not the only one who reads the personals for entertainment. And shouldn't all male ads just read, "Looking for fu%* buddy. Have pulse? Can fog a mirror? Please apply."

Tune in next time when Hoop says ...


At 07 June, 2007, Blogger Lefty said...

Come on, you made up the one about the 5'8" drunk girl. Nobody is that desperate.

I am embarrassed to admit that Mrs. Lefty and I do that "I love you more" thing, too. I'll have to get her with that love meter thing. It isn't copyrighted, is it?

At 07 June, 2007, Blogger Allison said...

Wow. I was never really aware of how desperate people are until you started posting these personals. Holy shit, these people need a life. LOL!

At 07 June, 2007, Blogger Jay said...

Wow, who knew that God had time in his busy schedule to check your meter once a week. Does he have his own tool box so he can fix it if it is messed up? What am I asking? Of course he does. He's God! ;-)

I just love personals. They provide hours of entertainment.

At 07 June, 2007, Blogger Chris said...

Heh, I thought you were going somewhere TOTALLY different with the meter man there... ;)

At 07 June, 2007, Blogger geenalyn said...

i love when you post the personals, they are hysterical.

And OMG about your hoop conversations. YOu know its not nice to play with a man's mind...its too easy to do

At 07 June, 2007, Blogger Maggie said...

tell Hoop I figure if anyone goes to the trouble of having a meter, a back-up meter and a meter reader who is apparently divine, is obviously the one who loves more. This is a debate at our abode as well. i always win. just because. ok well i think it has something to do with sex...

At 07 June, 2007, Blogger Tink said...

Wordgirl: The trick is to unleash your inner five year old. Then nothing sounds stupid and whatever you say is completely plausible.

Edge: That's the truth! I had to give props to the guy for at least making it sound classy.

Lefty: I assure you they are the real deal. No matter how good my imagination is, I couldn't come up with material THAT good! I live in a town of desperate freaks. Anyone want to come for a visit?

Jay: I'm sure he contracts out to the angels every once in awhile. I mean, God is a really busy woman. ;)

Chris: Hoop did too. When I said meter man his brow got all furrowed. Hehe.

Geenalyn: Aw, but it's so much fun!

Maggie: I'm glad SOMEONE sees it my way.

At 07 June, 2007, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Oh I am so ELLEOHELL'ing at that copter conversation!!!!

At 07 June, 2007, Blogger Chelle said...

That last conversation is so cute! I'd get sick riding in a helicopter! Bleck!

At 07 June, 2007, Blogger meno said...

The Mister and i have this running converation about how women are so much more articulate than men.

His response? "Well duh!"

At 07 June, 2007, Blogger captain corky said...

I thoroughly enjoyed your commentary on the personals. Great stuff!

At 07 June, 2007, Blogger fiwa said...

Tink, you and Hoop could do stand-up. I would pay to watch y'all... TALK. Git your mind outta the gutter!


And thank you for your comment, sweets. I would miss you too. I'll be back. :)

At 07 June, 2007, Blogger Jay said...

Tink: "God is a really busy Woman"

Hahahaha ... She also hates my guts. LOL

/You didn't think I came back and read all the comments huh?

At 07 June, 2007, Anonymous mamatulip said...

I can't get past 'THE BUFFET OF LIFE'. That cracks me up for some reason. I love Folioweekly, man.

At 07 June, 2007, Anonymous gawilli said...

I would have the same copter dilemma - Willi always harasses me for running on fumes.

At 08 June, 2007, Blogger Peggy said...

I used to have the I-love-you-I-love-you-more conversations with the youngest boy (back when he was a sweet young tot). I always won because I said that I loved him more because I was bigger.

At 08 June, 2007, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

I guess you really do love him more. So much so you'd set him up to go to hell :p

At 08 June, 2007, Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

My bug man has never serviced me well.

You schooled Hoop in the Who Loves Who More game.

At 08 June, 2007, Blogger Freakazojd said...

Ditto on Debbie - you ROCKED that game! Your conversations are always so entertaining, and I must say how lovely it is to see people having so much fun in their relationships. It's simply beautiful!! :)


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