Weirdees

Thank you Folioweekly for providing the blog fodder.

Women Seeking Men

HERE I AM WHERE ARE YOU? Widowed too young, white, 49, Leo is my sign, let's meet to wine and dine, just to talk would be fine. I smoke, letting you know- so you don't choke, plain simple folk, lots of fun, try me hon! A rhyming ad. How... cute. Maybe you and your date can hit up a Dr. Seuss convention.

SEEKING SUGAR DADDY. Slim, curvaceous, attractive professional single female wishes to enhance her lifestyle with personable professional having life's finest amenities. This classy beauty boasts 0 baggage, 0 tolerance for drama. Highly effective Kama Sutra adventuress. Qualified? You know business is slow when the prostitutes are advertising.

SIMILAR INTERESTS? Travel, Jesus, family, divorce, romance, passion, honesty, commitment, beach, canoeing, shopping, dining. Similar interests? Write, print, stamp, send. I should request an ad space next to hers...

"SIMILAR INTERESTS? Local, Satan, hermit, bachelor, torture, obsession, lies, kidnap, desert, hunting, robbing, cannibalism. Seeks opposite. I'll. Find. You."

Men Seeking Women

SEEKING SEXY SMOKER. Handsome, divorced, white, 5'10" 180, 57, well-educated, financially secure, affectionate, quality traits. Especially prefers a woman who smokes! Should be reasonably attractive, affectionate, monogamous and appreciate a man who will love you completely and your cigarette smoke too. Oh yeah. Because there's nothing sexier than dirty talk through a mechanical larynx.

FRESH OUT OF B.S.! I'm the big 5-0, 6', 205, gray-white hair, physically fit, non-smoker, non-drinker, restoring my aluminum castle. Enjoy being with open-minded, sensual women that know ideal men are indeed imperfect! "Restoring my aluminum castle." Is that a fancy way of saying "Getting my trailer out of hock"?

EXCELLENT DANCER. Mature, Bostonian, excellent dancer, sports car enthusiast seeks elegant ballroom dancing partner. Romantic co-pilot for mutually good times, experience preferred, willing to train right candidate. Life is a romantic banquet, let's not starve. Most people shoot low once they get to the point of needing an ad. Not this guy. He wants a ballroom dancer who knows how to co-pilot a plane. I hope you're rich, Buddy. Otherwise you'll be enjoying that banquet alone... With some Vaseline.

I Saw You

BE MY CHILLI PEPPER! You: pierced hot tamale who makes me wanna get spicy! I hope your nacho bell is grande. Me: Sista you can't resista', red beans and rice didn't miss her! Come dip your chip in my salsa anytime. Mmm. Taco Hell. I'll have a Chalupa without the side of stupidity please.

ASIAN ELVIS. You: more Elvis than Bruce Lee. Me: Short haired minor. Saw you first on the wrong side of the tracks in San Marco. Haven't stopped wanting you since. Could you bring my heart back across the Buckman? Elvis always did love minors.

RED BOWTIE AFFAIR. Saw you, Pee-Wee Herman look-alike, at UNF sporting Greek letter AT. Is that frat house as much fun as the playhouse? I hope so. Me: Cowboy Curtis. I think we were made for each other; let me lasso you down. I always thought those two had a thing for each other! Curtis was always telling Pee-Wee, "You know what they say! Big boots...big feet!" Uh huh. We're on to you Curtis.