Thursday, May 22, 2008

My Mom Loves Gay Techno

Which is either a fantastic title for a book, or a great reason for group therapy.

Ever since I bought my Mom an Ipod for her birthday, we've been swapping music on a weekly basis. For the most part we like the same stuff. Scary, I know. Did I mention that my Mom owned an Eminem CD before I did? Don't worry, we're beyond that now. Lately our lists have been peppered with artists and groups like Spoon, Yoav, Hellogoodbye, and Lily Allen. But every once in awhile, in the middle of a perfectly normal playlist, my Mom will throw in something completely different...

Gay techno.

I'm not using that term figuratively either. I mean no offense. I used to live with a bunch of gay clubbers. One of the guys used to borrow my clothes and the sad part was, he looked better in them than I did! Every night it was the same music, the same bubblegum beats. I have a vision permanently burned into my memory of the chubby one dancing around the house singing "Simon saysssss, 'Take off your clothes!'" And now here those songs are again, embedded in my perfectly boring mix of alternative and pop.

It's like biting into a black licorice jelly bean when you thought it was blueberry. "Tell me you're joking. You're joking, right?" I asked Mom the first time it came up. She laughed, admitting her strange obsession and said, "Aren't they great?" No, they're not. They're weird. The other day I was happily listening to Beck and all of a sudden a song titled, "What heterosexual males fear the most" popped up. I wish I was making that up. The group is Delphinium Blue. Check it out and tell me if I'm wrong. I'm working on an intervention.

Speaking of interventions, a male coworker pulled me aside yesterday to confess something... He doesn't like my shoes. Apparently, my super-comfy Easy Spirit sandals are "old ladyish" and only fit for "garden work". But it took ten minutes of buildup to figure out what he was even confessing to in the first place. He started out with the whole spiel of "Don't be offended. I'm only saying this to you because I consider you a friend. Friends don't let friends look stupid, right?" I was starting to get scared that maybe I had some kind of gross stain on my pants.

Like that time [name removed] sharted and told us he'd sat in chili. But no, my only offense was wearing unhip and ugly shoes. I am never going to hear the end of this from my two favorite fashion-savvy homebloys. Yeah, you know who you are. Please, no citations! After I got over the shock, and then the relief, I hit him with my best WTF?! face. How dare he! I don't talk to him about his outdated, stripe-down-the-side 90's dress shirts! Can you feel my outrage? I'm mentally punching him in the face with every "!" mark. Take that! And that! And that!

But you all didn't come here to hear about my Mom's weird fetish for Gay Techno, or my ridiculous shoe intervention, or even the fact that my pants are wearing out in the ass pockets. Surely a sign that I have too much junk in the trunk. You came here to hear about the rest of my vacation. Well it all seems rather anticlimactic now. I'll give you the inebriated abbreviated version. The day after we bought the car, Hoop and I heard the death cries of our starving bank account and decided not to spend any more money for the rest of our vacation.

We opted to check out some local parks instead. The first stop we made was to a little known forest that was mainly used for horseback riding. About halfway in, we realized the map we'd snagged from the park stand was five years old and completely outdated. In short, we were lost. After about an hour of hiking in the Florida sun, with no other hikers in sight, Hoop decided to air out his "boys". This followed him stripping off his shirt. Not to be outdone, I decided to strip my shirt and bra as well. We walked like this for at least forty-five minutes, grinning like fools and carrying our clothes.

Then something blue flashed ahead. I dropped to the ground, scrambling to untangle my bundle of clothes. "What is it?" Hoop asked, not even perturbed. It was two horseback riders. They were on a different trail, but still in plain sight of us. Fortunately, neither of us were seen (I hope) and we eventually found the end to the trail. All that stripping of clothes though led to some interesting tan marks in varying degrees. I think next time we'll bring sunblock... and perhaps a better map... and maybe some lube.

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33 Comments:

At 22 May, 2008, Blogger furiousBall said...

i remember one time in the office one coworker guy put some mp3s up on the company's mp3 shared server of a techno band called Dune. the other coworker, who was more of a classic rock kind of dude, played it and then yelled out across the office, "hey Jay, this would be great music to cornhole German dudes to."

 
At 22 May, 2008, Blogger OneDaisy said...

How dare he! I can't believe that someone would hit you or anyone else for that matter on a shoe violation. The nerve of some people. I mean, come on! They are just shoes and who cares. Holy Shit....what am I saying? Who the hell possessed my body and took away the sense that Jebus gave me to know that you don't wear shoes that belong to your gramma? I would say your mom but I have a feeling that, with her choice of music, she's wearing some sexy strappy number as we speak. LMAO! You are too funny girl. Love you.
(lube is much better than sun block and who needs a map when you have lube?)

 
At 22 May, 2008, Blogger Knight said...

Has your mother discover Mika yet? The black jelly beans are my favorite.
My male co-worker wears the same 90's shirts with white tennis shoes and dress pants. We held an intervention for him and took him shopping. I told them not to bother with me because if they give me crap at work I'm not afraid to hurt them.
I want to get lost naked in the woods! You have the most fascinating outings.

 
At 22 May, 2008, Blogger Jay said...

You're mother's musical tastes are a lot more hip than my mother's. My mother would fill her iPod up with Neil Diamond and Barry Mannalow. And very few songs on there would have been released after 1972.

I'll start looking around the net to see if anyone posted an videos people walking nekked in a Florida Forest that they took wile riding horseback. I wonder if that sentence would be a specific enough search query on Google? haha

 
At 22 May, 2008, Blogger Farmer*swife said...

Ha! Ha! Ha! You are so funny! Thanks for the laugh(s)!!

Actually? I'm kinda' curious to check out your mom's like in music...

Happy Thursday!

 
At 22 May, 2008, Blogger moo said...

My mom's musical tastes always surprise me too. How can she like Enya, Ozzy Osbourne, Disturbed, AND Journey?

Now I have a mental picture of naked people with fannypacks that contain nothing but sunscreen, maps, and lube.

Thanks.

 
At 22 May, 2008, Blogger the planet of janet said...

lol @ moo ... and realizing that i now have the same mental picture.

hold me, mommy, i'm skeerd!

 
At 22 May, 2008, Blogger mamatulip said...

Hoop airing out his boys reminded me of how yesterday, Oliver whipped down his pants and peed on a rock in our garden. He was thrilled w/ himself, especially because he'd peed standing up and hadn't peed on himself at all.

 
At 22 May, 2008, Blogger fiwa said...

You have more originality in your cuticles than most people have in their entire body. And you totally crack me up. :)

 
At 22 May, 2008, Blogger Denice said...

Dear gawd, that's hilarious both the gay techno and the nekkid hiking. I will no longer be so upset when my mother blares out Irish tunes when she is "drinking the sauce".

 
At 22 May, 2008, Blogger Chelle Y. said...

You should have punched the guy for real! :)

 
At 22 May, 2008, Anonymous kcinnova said...

I recently went shopping with a 17yo girl. I came home with, among other things, 2 pair of very cute sandals from Aerosoles. For some reason, she thinks I need to lose the middle-aged matron shoes. (Ummm...I *AM* that...) The sandals are pretty darn cute, but my Birkenstocks are just too comfortable to ignore as everyday wear.
My walk in the forest involved hiding from nuns (at least they weren't on horseback!) and uh... backpacks are more comfortable when wearing a shirt.

 
At 22 May, 2008, Blogger meno said...

Your co-worker would have a heart attack over my shoes. When i am wearing any.

But at least they aren't crocs.

 
At 22 May, 2008, Blogger Reb said...

Oh now I am blue! I miss all my pretty shoes! I think it is great that your mom has such eclectic taste in music. I hope you didn't burn any interesting bits while you were walking.

 
At 22 May, 2008, Blogger Pamer said...

awww...now i wanna walk naked in the woods too

 
At 22 May, 2008, Blogger Jen said...

I would so love to walk with the husband in the forest like you did with Hoop! I would LOVE it! How much fun would that be? Um. Wait. You already know!

Great story.

You have to kinda laugh at your co-worker. . . I mean, well, punching is mo' better. Yeah. I'm "never minding" already - no need to say it. . . . .

 
At 22 May, 2008, Blogger Karen said...

Just the title of this blog is enough to keep me laughing for months. Oh, and my friends gave me a shoe intervention once. It just made my love for my camo heels that much stronger. :)

 
At 22 May, 2008, Blogger flutter said...

Dude. My mom? My mom plays guitar hero!

where do these women COME from?!?!

 
At 22 May, 2008, Blogger mrspao said...

It is rude to criticize your shoes! My co-worker who is a little odd has a real thing about commenting on how much he likes my handbags - he is just the weirdest person.

 
At 23 May, 2008, Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

I need to see the shoes in order to comment.

Your mother may be the on the cutting edge of trends. Invest in gay techno NOW!

 
At 23 May, 2008, Blogger gr said...

....lube......
Well!

'I'm the slim shadey, yes I'm the real slim shady and won't the real slim shady please stand up...' or however it went....

 
At 23 May, 2008, Blogger Christy said...

Wow. You two are crazy gutsy.

 
At 23 May, 2008, Blogger Peggy said...

My mother just got music back in her life via a cochlear implant. I should find out what she likes after living without music for 40+ years.

I like techno - in it's place.

 
At 23 May, 2008, Blogger butterfly girl said...

How can you be naked in the woods and not have at the very least a quickie?

You disappoint me.

;)

 
At 23 May, 2008, Blogger Chris said...

So the lack of sunblock suggests that one or both of you have some uncomfortable sunburns?!

 
At 23 May, 2008, Anonymous catscratch diva said...

Nekkid hiking. Awesome!

The gay techno... not so much.

 
At 23 May, 2008, Blogger Heather said...

Seriously pulled you aside to tell you he didn't like your shoes? WTF??

As for the hiking... you are braver than I. I would be too afraid of someone seeing me, not to mention walking into poision ivy or something!! :-)

 
At 23 May, 2008, Blogger Sassy Mama Bear said...

From gay techno pop to naked hiking in one post that has got to be a record.
At least you had a great vacation.

 
At 23 May, 2008, Blogger Tequila Mockingbird said...

i knew 50 cent wasnt cool when my mom started digging him. she's like "i really like that guy's sound"

ohhhhh geeeeze, mom. thanks for ruining that!

 
At 23 May, 2008, Blogger LL said...

You mean to tell me that I'm comment number 30ish and no-one has yet to ask for pics of the tan lines? What has happened to your commenters? You people should be ashamed...

 
At 24 May, 2008, Blogger womaninawindow said...

WTF? People care about our footwear. That so explains my social life!
Your nakedness reminds me of one time I encouraged my husband to strip down in the woods so I could take some artistic (really!) pictures...you know, the whole AT ONE WITH NATURE thing. It was years later when we returned to said location that I realized it was a very public, well hiked park. At least he was the naked one! (pictures now destroyed...not so artsy but quite ballsy!)

 
At 25 May, 2008, Blogger Jo said...

Your mom sounds adorable...the real question is, does she dance to the techno?

Old-lady sandals sound really comfortable. And flesh-colored...are they flesh-colored? Those makes me twitch.

We were hiking one day & came across a completely naked man standing in the bushes. He was holding an umbrella...for some reason that bothered me more--but you just solved it for me, he must've been worried about getting a sunburn!

 
At 26 May, 2008, Blogger JerseyTjej said...

I wanna come with you the next time...Having survived "water buffalo sandles, Christ Crusification slippers and Jellies...I cannot WAIT to get my hands on a pair of Easy Spirit sandals!!!

 

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