Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Mazzel March

March Hit Statistics:
1. The primary day for hits was Thursday.
2. The most popular hour being 3pm.
3. The top referrers were Jay and Mamalujo.
4. The most used search term was, "T."
5. My favorite search term was, "Beer Wallpaper." Interior decorating for the TRUE alcoholic.
6. The highest hit post (214) was on March 14th, the day of Attaboys.

31 Quirks for 31 Days:
1. It has taken me 24 years to realize that the biggest challenge I will ever face is not understanding others, but rather understanding myself.
2. Last week I spent three hours surfing the web for cars, only to have Hoop toss my carefully selected stack of ads to the side. They weren't what he was looking for. I should have understood. Instead, I wanted to cry.
3. Then it hit me. I didn't care if I found the solution. I wanted the recognition that I had TRIED.
4. What an awful mentality to have in a society that rates you on usefulness.
5. Now I know how the maker of waterproof sponges felt.
6. When I was a kid I couldn't wait until I was old enough to eat dessert for dinner.
7. Now that I'm an adult I get cravings for salads and soups. Go figure.
8. I spent thirty minutes this morning brain storming new porn titles.
9. My top ten are: Mighty Joe Hung. The Pursuit Of Horniness. Happy Meat. Creamgirls. Men In Back. Snow White and The Seven Whores. Stranger Than Friction. The Filth Element. All Quiet On The Western Cunt. Get Well Poon.
10. I think when God was handing out brains, mine fell on the floor and rolled through the dirt first.
11. Hoop says my farts smell like cereal.
12. Do you think that has anything to do with growing up in the same town as a General Mills factory?
13. My Dad and I used to wake up in the morning, sniff the air, and place bets on what kind of cereal they were making.
14. I always guessed Lucky Charms. The thought of those Leprechauns sitting on rainbows making marshmallows all day...
15. ...was better than the thought of them being out of work and terrorizing us little kids like they did in that
16. I never quite got over teething.
17. Most often the victims of my chewing habit are pens and tape.
18. One time it was a glowstick at a beach party. I ended up with dye in my mouth and neon teeth for two days. It was the first time that people encouraged me to talk MORE.
19. Sometimes (when I'm alone) I hum Barney songs.
20. I can never spell Restaraunt" "Restaurant" correctly.
21. One of the most frustrating parts of my job is coaching people how to use a computer.
22. I can sympathize with the temp employees who don't know how to use a mouse because they've worked labor jobs their whole life.
23. What I can't understand is when I get asked how to forward an email by a superior who is a college graduate.
24. I'm so bored right now I actually Googled Barbie to see if she still came with shoes.
25. And then I went on KFC's website to complain about an order of food I got last night. Somehow they'd managed to make it both cold AND burned.
26. Then I looked up upcoming movies for 2008. They're making a Jurassic Park 4 by the way.
27. After that I practiced typing my name backwards to see how quick I could do it.
28. I think I have adult onset ADD...
29. ...Or maybe it's the paint fumes. The guy at Home Depot told Hoop and I our kids are going to be born with two heads and three arms from all the paint we've been exposed to.
30. So on top of pretending to be experts they're pretending to be fortune tellers now? Shit, sign me up for that gig!
31. Have you noticed that fortune cookies don't actually have fortunes in them any more? They're more like sayings. "A rat who gnaws at a cat's tail invites destruction."
32. Hoop thinks it's because the cookie makers got sued when someone didn't get rich like their fortune told them they would.
33. Just in case, I think the makers of Girl Scout Cookies should start printing "FAT" on their product.
34. Because that's what I'm going to be if I finish off this box I've been working on all morning.



At 03 April, 2007, Blogger Jay said...

Those porn movies names are hilarious. Actually porn movies names are always funny. Much more creative than the movies themselves. Or so I've been told.

I've had lots of trouble with KFC in the past too. I once went into one at 6:30 a night and they told me they didn't have any chicken.

KFC ... no chicken?? WTF?

At 03 April, 2007, Blogger Pixie LaRouge said...

Hi! Haven't hopped by in rather a long while, so this is me hopping by and saying "Hi!" The Garden is currently shut down, but I'll get it back up before too awful long... maybe. Unless this baby comes sooner rather than later. And then the blog gets to wait. Good to be back for a visit, though. And good to see the quality of the hilarity hasn't suffered a bit!! :)

At 03 April, 2007, Blogger Kell said...

A Jurassic Park IV? Cool! Although they should ask you to come up with a title--you're much more imaginative.

I have Thin Mints in my freezer, that way I have to actually get up to get a couple. Out-of-sight, out-of-mind theory. Not working so well.

At 03 April, 2007, Blogger Mike Y said...

LOL! I can never spell restaurant correctly without using a spell checker. Seriously! It's a pain. Frankly, I think everyone else spells it wrong and I've got it right ;)

And I'm with you on the Girl Scout Cookies. I'm totally addicted to them.

BTW, using your site as an example of my Google/Blogger login remedy :)

At 03 April, 2007, Blogger Chris said...

I have words I can't spell correctly, and some I can't type correctly to save my life. Of course, under pressure, I have no idea what they are.

At 03 April, 2007, Blogger Mary said...

dude we use waterproof sponges at work!! hahahah waterproof is GREAT when the person is all bloody and you want to be able to wash it out....

At 03 April, 2007, Anonymous wordgirl said...

Those girl scout cookies can really pack on the pounds. You eat one and then you think "no more". Then you tell yourself how one more can't possibly hurt. I tell myself I need to have one for each butt cheek so that they'll be even. So...now they're both huge.

At 03 April, 2007, Blogger Peggy said...

OMG - Restaurant is my greatest stumble word of all time. I've spent years rearranging sentences to avoid using it.

At 04 April, 2007, Blogger mamatulip said...

I love ALL of your quirks. And your porn titles.

Barbie does come with shoes. And jewelry. And cowboy boots, and mirrors, and handbags...

At 04 April, 2007, Anonymous susan said...

Somebody insists on only going to authentic asian places...they don't have fortune cookies in those. BOO! At least now I know that I'm not missing out on much.

At 04 April, 2007, Blogger Arabella said...

I don't care how sweet and nice those Girl Scouts are...those cookies are the work of Satan.

At 10 April, 2007, Blogger Lefty said...

Mmm...beer wallpaper...


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