Thursday, March 22, 2007

"Be a good girl"

To love and to be good are a choice.

Like it or not, it isn't in our nature to be either. If it were, it would come easy. Living things are made to survive. Plants strangle one another in the pursuit of light. Animals become dispensable to each other depending on necessity. Humans, although we try, can never look outside the world we see through our own eyes. But we think. We calculate. We create excuses and reasons, theories and meanings. We defy our instincts of survival in order to understand something more.

Anyone who's played with fire can tell you how much the burn hurts. But put a man or woman's family in the middle of a burning building and you'll see how quickly they jump into the flames. Can you imagine your pine tree doing that for you? How about your cat? Change the scenario. Imagine if that family wasn't theirs. The chances of them jumping in to rescue them would be diminished to less than half. I'll admit, I'd be more inclined to pick up the phone and dial 911 first.

As a kid, I thought the lines of good and bad were clear. Cleaning your room was good. Stealing from the candy drawer, bad. The older I got the fuzzier the lines were. Now I see they're nonexistent. I stop myself at least twenty times each day and wonder "I feel this is OK. But is it GOOD?" It's a horrible goal, one you'll never know if you've reached. I feel I'm a "good" person. But some days I flick off cars in traffic. I cuss. I drink. I pleasure my partner in a way that is still illegal in some states. Does that overrule everything else?

Each day is a struggle. We build our walls up and then we break them down. And if we aren't the masonries, someone else is. What happens if you live your life as "good" as you can, loving as much as you will, and then someone else doesn't play fair? What if you get punished instead? All of this, this winding introduction, has absolutely nothing to do with any of you personally. Believe that. It has everything to do with my own personal battles. I woke up this morning, after having a hole blasted through my defenses last night, and I thought, "I have to try harder."


Nash has a son, born to a woman who has little regard for anyone but herself. This woman, previously his wife, is friends with another woman who was previously Hoop's wife. The plot was pretty thick before I came around. When Nash's son was barely one years old, his wife dropped the kid off and never came home. He left the military to find her. What unraveled after that is complicated. In the end, Nash divorced with primary custody, and Hoop divorced soon after. The Mother was rarely heard from again. Enter Tink. From the beginning, Hoop and my relationship has been plagued with reminders of his past.

There were calls from his ex, emails, and rumors. It didn't help that his ex became pregnant soon after. It wasn't his, but the doubt was enough to wound. I tried to be good. I tried to love and trust. We changed phone numbers. We avoided places we knew she'd be. I stopped myself from playing her game. It was tough. I constantly felt like I was living in her shadow, giving up, stepping down. But eventually it stopped and life carried on without a single thought of her. Then Nash reenlisted in the Army. A month later his ex called the base and demanded he hand over their son.

There was only one thought. How did she know? How, from three states away, did she know what he'd done and where he was at? We found out last night. Hoop and Nash's cousin, Adam, has been in constant communication with Hoop's ex since they parted. I would have been less offended if he'd slapped me in the face. Not only had he divulged to her Nash's address and information, but details about Hoop and my relationship. He let the wolf in. He chose her allegiance instead of mine. He broke a blood bond and jeopardized the safety of a little boy.

It's so hard to be good. My mind is screaming in protest.

I don't want to love my enemy. I don't want to do the right thing.

I want to retaliate.

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At 22 March, 2007, Blogger Jay said...

Wow ... I'm sitting here trying to come up with something to say here. If I told you or anyone to do the right thing and now retaliate or anything like that I would be the biggest hypocrite on Earth.

To get sold out by family. That's by far the lowest of the low.

At 22 March, 2007, Blogger spellconjurer said...

I BE LOVIN YOU!!!!!!!!!!! and I be mailing a package too.

At 22 March, 2007, Blogger fiwa said...

Oh Tink, I'm so sorry you're going through that. My family played some similar games when I divorced my first husband. It took me a looong time to forgive and move on. I don't think there is any forgetting.

Who knows why the cousin would do that - maybe he has feelings for her himself.

I'm sending you virtual hugs.
Always ready to listen -

At 22 March, 2007, Blogger Chris said...

Oh, that sucks. Here, let me kick him for you. *kick kick kick*

Feel better?

At 22 March, 2007, Blogger graymama said...


I am sorry to hear that you have a Peter Pettigrew in the family :-( Can I cut off his finger, turn him into a rat and send him to Azkaban?!

Seriously, I know it is hard, but always think of the boy before making a decision to do any deed bad or good. When OS's schizophrenia put her in the hospital a lot, the battle over my niece ensued, the shady behavior within the family started to happen, etc... People even family can get pretty nasty.

I am here if you want to chat about it!

{{{{more hugs}}}}

At 22 March, 2007, Anonymous mamatulip said...

Tink...I'm really, really sorry.

I don't know what else to say, other than that. And that if there is any time you want to vent, or scream, or whatever, you know how to find me.

Hang in there...and you know, you don't always have to be the good girl. I'm just sayin'.

At 22 March, 2007, Anonymous snookie said...

Wow.. I really don't know what to say. I kinda-sorta know a little bit how you feel... on a much smaller scale but that's not important. It's so hard to find trust sometimes, and you have a good reason not to at this point. *loooots and loooots of hugs!* I know I don't know you too well, but I'm here for venting if needed!

At 22 March, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a well used frying pan you could borrow?

I know this is no laughing manner. I feel so bad for you and guilty for being pissed off for the last few days. This is much worse. I hate the feeling that someone has been keeping a secret. It has happened to me and probably everyone. But still it is as bad as if he were to sleep with her too. I feel for you and all I can say is heed your advice, take deep breathes. And my advice, one foot in front of the other. This is definately a test of your love dear friend.

At 22 March, 2007, Blogger Gracey said...

I sure hope he fights to keep his son especially since she is the one who ran off in the first place and abandoned them. If it were the other way around and Nash had left, the courts would never give him custody.

She sounds to be a deceitful woman and it seems that this cousin could be under her "spell". (not excusing him at all though) My uncle's ex was exactly like that and would use people to get the information she wanted. I don't blame you for wanting to retaliate; it's human nature!

At 22 March, 2007, Blogger Kell said...


I am so sorry you're going through this. It's just so unfair and I'm angry for you. That poor little boy. It's amazing how callous some so-called parents can be.

At 22 March, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

:( Tink that sucks. I would be beyond pissed off. And that poor little man. I hope he is doing okay. (((nash's son)))


At 22 March, 2007, Blogger meno said...

Incredible. I have chills up and down my spine from this.

The only good thing is that you have found the leak.

What the hell is he thinking? What could his motivation be?

I am sorry.

At 23 March, 2007, Anonymous susan said...

Oh wow...

I can't even imagine what the "right" thing to do is in this instance. You've been betrayed and that child may have to suffer. (Not to mention all the rest of you that love him)

I think the good thing to do it whatever is best for that little boy and the father that has never left him....

At 23 March, 2007, Blogger Alex said...

What in the hell is Adam's problem?!

Deep breaths, Tink. Sending a huge hug or two or four hundred.

And I personally believe that love DOES come naturally to people, but society has taught us otherwise. Try, try, try to find compassion for what a horrible self-inflicted hell those women must live in, in order for them to find it necessary to treat other people that way.

Sometimes people are jerks and there is no two ways around that. Let your anger have its time in the forefront of your thoughts, and then dismiss it without action. It *will* fade in intensity and by sending out the good, you WILL get the good back. You will. You (and Hoop and Nash and Nash's son) will be okay.

At 23 March, 2007, Blogger Kim: The Mom, The Myth said...

Oh Tink. I don't even know what to say. That's horrible. I'm so sorry.

At 23 March, 2007, Blogger Sunshine said...

This entire situation sucks ass.
I get the whole betrayal by a family member, it does hurt more because family is supposed to have your back and they don't.
Very sorry...

At 23 March, 2007, Blogger Ellie's Mommie said...

I think being betrayed by family is the worse. I have a relative who just took advantage of my Dad (who is sick) on a car deal. It's hard b/c on one hand you want to turn the other cheek, but on the other you can still feel the knife in your back.

As far as the moral delima between what's "right" and what's "good", I think it's a matter of motive. If you retaliate for the sole purpose of revenge that's one thing. If you retaliate for the purpose of teaching a lesson and maybe protecting others in the future, that's another.

Or maybe I'm just trying to justify my own actions as both "right" and "good".

Whatever the case, I would definately have my guard up to prevent him from causing further damage for your and yours.

Best Wishes!

At 24 March, 2007, Blogger EE said...

It can be SO hard to be the bigger person. To turn your head on what you know is not ok, to make the choice to *be the bigger person*


Offended is right. And I agree w/ MamaT, you don't always have to do the right thing.

***hugs**** Chickadee

At 25 March, 2007, Anonymous Mrs. Who said...

If Nash has primary custody, then she has to do a lot in the courts to get that changed. I know where you're coming from, though...we've had a battle in the courts to get my husband's sons away from his ex who married a sex offender. Although you want to retaliate, you HAVE to do the right thing by the boy. Because YOU are a better person than his so-called mother.

At 26 March, 2007, Anonymous TB said...

It is so very difficult to know how to respond to that kind of betrayal. My first thought is to cut him out. Protect yourself, have no contact, share nothing that he can use against you. But family relationships are often so complicated, is that even an option.
I'm sorry this is happening in your life. You and Hoop deserve happiness unfettered by this kind of bullshit. And for there to be a child involved makes it even worse.

At 26 March, 2007, Blogger Foo said...

Yikes. You wouldn't think you'd have a snake problem, so close to St. Patrick's Day and all.

I like to think that slimeballs like this will eventually get theirs.

At 27 March, 2007, Blogger eric said...

i think you know my feelings about the comfort i get, strangely, in the evils that men do that separates us from animals.

this isn't one of those cases. just cheap survival in the social sense.

and you're right ... a cat wouldn't run through a fire to save another cat. that's encouraging.


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