Thursday, August 14, 2008

Suzy Homewrecker

I woke up this morning in a funk. Hoop was still sleeping when I stumbled out of the shower to look for clothes. After wading through piles of dirty ones, I finally found the unfolded stack Hoop had washed the night before. I had been slaving away over the stove at the time, too busy to supervise. Had I known he was only going to wash the clothes I'd already worn for the week, I might have been able to salvage my morning. But I hadn't, and here I was, faced with a dilemma. Do I wear the outfit I wore on Monday or mix-and-match and hope no one notices?

"FUCK!" I yelled, kicking at the nearest pile of dirty clothes. For a moment my inner kid popped through and shouted, "Wheeeeee!" So I kicked another... and another. Then I upended the large basket of unfolded clean clothes. Then I kicked the dryer for good measure. I was just starting to feel better when Hoop ran out of the bedroom, rubbing his eyes. "Whasgoinon?" "I want a part time job," I told him. "Oh-Kay," He mumbled. "I'm serious. I can't keep up with all this shit AND a full time job AND plan a wedding AND cook dinner every night."

Hoop opened his eyes a little wider. "So you want to be a part time house wife?" "Yes!" Then I thought, "Oh my God. Did I really just say that? I DID! Holy shit, I meant it. That's it, I'm brainwashed. Those fuckers at the life improvement center really did it. They turned me into Suzy Homemaker. Now I'm going to start talking like I belong in Stepford. I might as well go buy an entire set of aprons with Monday through Friday stitched on them." "It'll be OK, baby." Hoop rubbed my arm lovingly. "You keep getting ready and I'll go find you an outfit to wear." So it's true... They got Hoop too.

Dun, dun, duuuuuuun.

P.S. Sorry I haven't been around to everyone's blog to comment this week. Things have been crazy around here. I'll be sure to stop by soon! For those of you waiting on your contest winnings, I'm running a little behind. Are you seriously surprised? But the good thing (for you) is, I keeping adding more stuff to it the longer I wait to go the post office. They'll be shipped in the next couple of days. Much love, Homebloys.

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37 Comments:

At 14 August, 2008, Blogger Maggie said...

OMG. I'm going to see about sending over some de-programmers right away. This is serious.

 
At 14 August, 2008, Blogger the planet of janet said...

oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

 
At 14 August, 2008, Blogger Knight said...

Holy crap you ARE brainwashed! Whatdowedo whatdowedo whatdoweDO??!!

Obviously I'm not much help in serious situations. I think you should wear the clothes you wore the day before and claim you and Hoop went on an all night bender.

 
At 14 August, 2008, Anonymous emily said...

Hey, don't knock the homemaker thing until you try it! I thought like you did - and then, I became a housewife (without all of the "housewife" stereotypes, thank you very much), and I LOVE IT! Just think...all those things you HAVE to do - you can do them at your leisure, and in your pajamas! Not at a desk in heels! It's fantastic! You and I, we still have our shit together enough to NOT let ourselves fall into the bored housewife/Stepford/daily apron rut, so you - like me - will be fine, if you decide to give it a shot. The biggest downside is the part-time paycheck. But if you can swing it, even for a few months, give it a shot. If you hate it, you can find a job that doesn't make you want to quit every day!

(And to any haters who think I sound lazy - I have kids, so I'm keepin it real...no bon-bon eating going on here.)

 
At 14 August, 2008, Blogger Tink said...

Emily: *Sigh* You are so tempting me. I just keep thinking about all the stuff I could get done! Maybe... Hey, I don't have kids. Will that put me more in the Stepford catagory? ;)

 
At 14 August, 2008, Blogger Pamer said...

those Stepford Wives were hawt!!!

 
At 14 August, 2008, Blogger LL said...

Yes. :P

But a word of warning... the hardest workers I know are stay at home women. Of course it's productive work so...

 
At 14 August, 2008, Blogger gary rith said...

maybe before you know it there would a Hoop Jr?

 
At 14 August, 2008, Blogger Reb said...

Hey, if you can manage on part-time wages for awhile and it lets you get caught up on the insanity that is your life? Why not? You may find you can do something from home that would make you money too. You never know until you try.

Stepfords were all about catering to their husbands and children - I can't see you doing that. Hoop would still have to pull his own weight.

 
At 14 August, 2008, Blogger meno said...

Maybe you don't want to BE a wife, you just want to HAVE a wife.

<3 back at you.

 
At 14 August, 2008, Blogger womaninawindow said...

It's really quite comfy over here on the other side. (Insert glinting smile.) And you look really pretty in your nifty sweater and your white high heals. hehehe

Also, I only work part-time and I still can't keep up with the farging laundry!

 
At 14 August, 2008, Blogger g-man said...

Hell baby, I wish *I* could stay home! I keep telling my lovely wife to climb that corporate ladder so I can stay home and take pictures :)

Hell you are what 23 or something?? Work now while you can still work and party, that way you save enough to just party when you get to be 40.

 
At 14 August, 2008, Blogger Newt said...

I had about 5 months off between jobs and at first it was fun but then I needed to be around people. And I'm not a peopel person. That terrified me when I realized that me, the most unsocial person on the planet, missed people.

 
At 14 August, 2008, Blogger fiwa said...

Hey, why diddnya take a picture of the outfit Hoop picked out? Heck, it probably looked halfway decent - Hoop has pretty good taste. I shudder to think what I would wear if my husband picked out my clothes.

love 'n stuff -
fiwa

 
At 14 August, 2008, Blogger Bizarro Aunt Jackie said...

Wish I was a better "Housewife". I am just pitiful... and sickening. I wish I could be organized and get shit together. I would LOVE to be well off-enough to do what I wanted. :(

 
At 14 August, 2008, Blogger Queen of no man's land said...

Those betterment things are kinda likes craps.. they can jump 15 feet..

and my inner child once kicked a clothes basket of dirty clothes from the bedroom, through the living room..through the kitchen..through the back porch..and out the back door (and I did NOT open the screen door) I was spewing so many cuss words I had to make up new ones..

CLETUS learned how to use the washer after that..

 
At 15 August, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You love Tom Cruise
You love Scientology.
You cant resist the call of L Ron Hubbard!

 
At 15 August, 2008, Blogger Jay said...

Yeah, well if you start posting pics you you vacuuming while wearing a dress and heels I'm outta here. LOL

Or if you wear a house dress and have your hair in rollers while going to the grocery store so you can look "presentable" when Hoop comes home I'm gonna laugh. A lot.

 
At 15 August, 2008, Blogger Peggy said...

Um why would you give a shit about wearing something that you wore to work on Monday. It's clean right? Not only is it clean, Hoop washed it. I would have been joyful.

 
At 15 August, 2008, Blogger mrspao said...

We used to have a teacher at school who wore a different outfit every day for about 2 months until she wore something the same. It was really weird because nowadays I don't really look too closely at what my co-workers are wearing just that they smell clean!

 
At 15 August, 2008, Anonymous Ellie said...

i want to see the outfit he picked. sorry i am of course worried that you have both been brain washed but for some reason i have this idea of you walking into your room to the most horrendous compilation of clothes!!

 
At 15 August, 2008, Blogger Tink said...

Meno I DO! I really want a wife. Do they still do those mail order things or has that been ruled illegal? ;)

Ellie: Oddly, Hoop has amazing taste in clothes. He once bought me a dress and shoes, without having me try it on, for a fancy office dinner that night. It was gorgeous too. I should try to find that post for you.

Jay: I should start a whole line of photos called Suzy Homewrecker. It would be a bunch of hot women doing house work in heels and flicking the bird to the camera. ;)

G-Man: I'm 25. I'd love to work, save up, and party. But you see, I bought the project house from hell... which I think corrupted our cars. Now we're up to our ears in problems.

 
At 15 August, 2008, OpenID kcinnova said...

C'mon over to the other side!
I've been here since I was pregnant with boy#1...which is good, because there is no way I could have worked full time anymore...my body went into full time baby production mode. (scary, isn't it?!)
I'm proud to be a kept woman. Of course, keeping up with the house and 4 boys and keeping the man happy is a lot of work. I still have to complain about stuff at the end of the day, but that's just to decompress. I love my job: company car and great benefits. My DH would probably make a better homemaker in a lot of ways--and he'd LOVE to stay home himself--but I'm not giving up my career just yet. Maybe in a few years we'll trade places, when he retires from the Army. Our own project house could use his attention...

 
At 15 August, 2008, OpenID kcinnova said...

*tee hee*
Hoop, Jr.
*tee hee*

 
At 15 August, 2008, Anonymous Ellie said...

i actually remembber the post - when you got changed in a lay by? thats awesome my man has attrocious taste

 
At 15 August, 2008, Blogger furiousBall said...

your inner kid popped through? like that creature thing in that dude's stomach in Total Recall?

"Quaid..... release your mind."

 
At 15 August, 2008, Blogger gary rith said...

Hoop Jr and Tink Jr, TWINS!!!!!!!

 
At 15 August, 2008, Blogger Tink said...

Furiousball ROFLMAO! That's nasty, dude.

Gary: Nooooooo.

 
At 15 August, 2008, Blogger Katie said...

Hee hee.

I like being a homemaker - most of the time when the kids aren't being terrible.

And I know where you could get a nice apron. ;)

 
At 15 August, 2008, Blogger Knight said...

Oh No! You were arrested! Do you need bail money?

 
At 15 August, 2008, Blogger Ginni Dee said...

Hey being a Stepford wife isn't all that bad...

Hey being a Stepford wife isn't all that bad...

Hey being a Stepford wife isn't all that bad...

bad...

bad...

bad...

 
At 16 August, 2008, Blogger Fortune Cookies said...

snap out of it Tink! we all have our weak moments, who doesn't want to escape the rat race, after all? but stepford? really? you can be more like bohemian house mistress, doesn't that just feel better ;)

 
At 16 August, 2008, Blogger mamatulip said...

But dude, when you're a homemaker you get to sit around all day and eat bon-bons and watch Oprah! IT'S AN AWESOME LIFE!

 
At 16 August, 2008, Anonymous Turtle said...

If I can work full-time, plan a wedding AND move an entire 2-bedroom, 2-bath house to Texas, you can handle yours. What about all your mad money for stuff? You'll miss it. Besides, you'll get bored if all you do is sit around and play Suzy Homemaker. I know I do. Food for thought.

 
At 17 August, 2008, Blogger HalfAsstic.com said...

Wow. I dunno what to say... My image of you is still, somehow, intact!
It'll be OK. If you're gonna stay at home more you'll have more time to hold off the other Stepford Wives. ;)

 
At 17 August, 2008, Blogger Chris said...

I think kicking the clothes around redeemed you. Hoop's on his own, though. ;)

 
At 18 August, 2008, Blogger Jay said...

Be careful of your toes, when kicking all that stuff. You never know what lies within an innocent-looking pile of laundry.

 

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