Thursday, August 07, 2008

Suspended Animation

There's a blank spot in my brain where positive thoughts should be.

I've been prodding it for awhile, waiting to see what stimulates it.

So far, nothing.

It seems to be effecting the rest of my brain too. I haven't cleaned the house in a month. I know, ew. We've been doing laundry on a need-to basis. Groceries? Pfft. I've been eating soup for three straight days. I come home and literally wander around. It's not that there isn't a million things to do, some fun (like reading) and some not (like mowing). I just can't find the motivation to DO them. I decided to walk the dog yesterday... the fat one. She started pulling me toward home after five minutes. I was like, "No. We're doing this, damn it!" I expected to feel something afterward. Lord knows the dog did. But I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel rejuvenated or tired or even accomplished.

There are so many things wrong right now... in my life, in the world. I get hung up on all the problems and I just stop moving. Like maybe if I stay real still they'll forget I'm here. Hoop and I have been on a losing streak for about two years now. If it's not house troubles it's car troubles. If it's not financial problems it's emotional ones. For awhile I seriously wondered if I was bad luck. "Or maybe it's Hoop. Or maybe it's us." But now I'm starting to think that the world is generally a little fucked. I woke up yesterday morning and decided I was going to move forward, finally. I was going to use my optimism as my shield, deflecting bad juju as I went.

The day started off fine. Then the work started piling up. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. My boss had the nerve to ask me what I "do for this company, exactly". All of a sudden I couldn't find my shield. Where was is?! *Panic* Did it get buried under this rising pile of shit? Then I came home and tasted smoke on Hoop's lips. His Mom blew us off AGAIN on the list of wedding guest addresses. I realized we were out of soup. Suddenly, I found myself sobbing quietly on the kitchen floor. Irrationally, I wondered if I could make a run for it. Maybe, if I left right then (alone), I could get away before the problems noticed. But I'm weak. I decided to crawl into bed instead.

Each day this empty space inside my head gets bigger. It stretches itself out, taking possession of neighboring territories. I wish I could call it a hostile takeover. But it isn't. It feeds on apathy. There used to be this voice inside my head. It was strong and beautiful. "I can...!" "I will...!" "I am...!" But now it tells me, "I can't..." "I won't..." "I'm not..." The relief comes when it doesn't speak at all. Sometimes I'm overcome by anger and I think that I would do anything to have that voice back. Anything! But at what cost? I wish someone could tell me. But then again, what if it wasn't what I wanted to hear?

What if it meant giving up everything?

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53 Comments:

At 07 August, 2008, Blogger moo said...

honey, you aren't alone. There is something in the air these days ... and you've had a bad year, let's be honest.

Every day is a struggle for most people. They'll show you the happy, shiny facade, but we are all scared, lonely, and insecure on the inside.

I hope you start feeling better soon.

 
At 07 August, 2008, Blogger Alice said...

man, i could have written this post just about verbatim right now. the word that most describes me right now is "apathy," followed closely by "self-doubt" and "mild despair." and i don't even know WHY. everything seems to be mostly fine in my life... everyone seems to be having a rough summer, though. i expect this to pass - the bad stuff always does, so i refuse to think that this time it might not.

 
At 07 August, 2008, Blogger Newt said...

Ok, I see how to fix this. You need to come up here in a couple of weeks and go with Nettie and I to the fair. Trust me, some fried cheese curds and deep fried twinkies make the world a better place. Seriously. It is amazing how perfect life seems after a few hours at the fair. It's the greatest therapy in the world!!!

 
At 07 August, 2008, Blogger Tink said...

Mmmm, cheese curds!

 
At 07 August, 2008, Blogger Lauren said...

You are not alone.

 
At 07 August, 2008, Blogger Sparkling Red said...

It's no wonder you feel that way considering what you've been through. That was me after my divorce. First day alone in my own apartment I curled up on the rug in my otherwise empty "living" room and wailed.

It took a lot of time, but I got through to the other side, and I'm glad that I kept going. One day at a time. This too shall pass.

What's your address- can I mail you some soup?

 
At 07 August, 2008, Blogger fiwa said...

You are SO not alone. I don't mean to depress you worse - but Clarke and I have been on a streak of bad luck for the entire 11 years we've been married. And that's not to say I don't love him - we just have bad luck.

You are feeling overwhelmed by some very specific things right now, and it's completely understandable. It's exhausting.
Have you thought about going to your doctor to see if you can get a little help to bubble you over the rough patch?

And what Moo said? That is brilliant.

You've got my email address - I am here any time you want to talk. I'm sending you mental hugs.

love you -
fiwa

 
At 07 August, 2008, Blogger Knight said...

I certainly know how you are feeling Tink but don't give it all up. You know what has been helping me lately? Finding the one thing that would make a difference. In my case that is a new job. So any extra effort I can find (instead of cleaning and laundry) I put towards making that happen. It's the only thing making me get up and go.

I'll call your relatives and get the addresses for you. It might freak them out but they will deal with it. I can come slap the smoke off of Hoops lips if you think it might help.

 
At 07 August, 2008, Blogger Jay said...

It used to be that when I got this way I just drank. That's really not a good idea though. Just in case you were wondering.

I think you need some me time. Not "ME" as in some Jay time .. but hey, Jay time is a good thing too hahaha ... but time to yourself. Like just get up and go somewhere that you enjoy. The beach, shopping, a restaurant you love, a movie, TWO movies .. whatever. No cell phones or anything like that either. Just give your brain time to process everything and let ideas slosh around for a while and let decisions make themselves.

 
At 07 August, 2008, Blogger Mamalujo said...

OK, I'll step up and be the presumptuous jackass who thinks he can be that someone you wish would tell you what to do.

You can't run away from your problems. Don't even try.

But what about the ones you CAN fix? Even if the fixes seem to cost too much? That's exactly what your asking yourself when you say, "What if it meant giving up everything?" If you're asking the question, it means you already know the answer. Yes, you do.
You don't have the dealbreaker in your life yet; a child. You're still in a position to be utterly selfish. If you're going to tell us that the empty space is taking over, then you're going to have to listen to someone (me, I guess) tell you to change things. Your voice isn't gone; it's screaming out loud at you.

 
At 07 August, 2008, Blogger captain corky said...

It aint always easy is it? It seems like the shit's hitting the fan everywhere you turn these days. But it will get better. And if you can't trust Captain Corky on that, who can you trust? ;)

 
At 07 August, 2008, Anonymous Kate said...

This post brought tears to my eyes. Your words echo so true inside my head.
Sometimes it just feels like life keeps knocking you down and knocking you down... and you wonder how the heck you're ever going to be able to get back up again, or if you even want to keep trying anymore.

I know I lurk here more than I comment, but know that I understand and that I'm sending you a hug.

 
At 07 August, 2008, Blogger Gordo said...

Oh, Tink. The bad is all over the place. If my friend in Ireland can get a better job, you can come through this.

Here's a French-Canadian comfort food for you: Poutine. You take a plate of french fries, sprinkle a good handful of mozarella cheese curd on them, then smother the works in gravy (preferably chicken). Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

 
At 07 August, 2008, Blogger Alice said...

You've been through a lot of things and it gets difficult to pull yourself out from the pit.

From a chick who went through depression after both pregnancies, don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. I hate to recommend pills as an easy answer, but Zoloft did wonders for me and I only needed them for a short time. Your Dr. may have suggestions.

*lots of hugs*

 
At 07 August, 2008, Blogger Sassy Mama Bear said...

Sweet thing I hear depression and anxiety within your words....things I know far too well.
Take it a step at a time. First this weekend relax, let yourself feel freedom.
Then start tackling things a little at a time.
Just know you are NEVER alone in this.
Running is not the answer, hiding won't make it go away.
You my dear are a survivor, and this too shall pass.
We have to have hope, always.

 
At 07 August, 2008, Blogger Jen said...

Awwww, Tink . . . It's hard being an adult. Life is so much tougher at this age. Remember when things could be fixed with a "kiss" and some "ice cream"? Me too.

I miss those days.

Try to remember that things will be tough, but the tough stuff passes. It just takes longer than a kiss and ice cream.

Big hugs to you & Hoop.

 
At 07 August, 2008, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Everythings not lost!

If all elese fails you could marry a unicorn :)

 
At 07 August, 2008, Blogger Janet said...

I can't give you anything better than Orhan Kahn did :-)

Hugs, Tink, hang in there!

 
At 07 August, 2008, Blogger womaninawindow said...

It's just a day...OK, a week. Well, maybe a month. It might stretch into three. Hell, I should know, people and animals dropping dead around me since spring. Others dragging their zombie asses by me and smiling slit smiles. What else is there though? Go to Walmart and buy some soup, maybe some slippers. Come back here. I'm always glad to hear from you - you and your very light wings. Really, you've got those. YOu might just be sitting on them on your kitchen floor.

I like you. Get happy(er)...

 
At 07 August, 2008, Blogger geenalyn said...

awww sweetie..i know how you feel...and it will get better you just have to keep plodding thru. We're all here for you...

 
At 07 August, 2008, Blogger Mike said...

Welcome to real life, young lady.

Life beats on you and beats on you and beats on you till you break.

Or don't break, whichever the case may be.

They don't teach you this in school. Instead, they teach you everything is fair and you get as many tries as you want to pass.

In real life, you don't.

The bad news is, it doesn't get any better.

The good news is that you do.

 
At 07 August, 2008, Blogger flutter said...

the beauty of it is, that you can make up for it, externally. Like I do, on sticky notes.

 
At 07 August, 2008, Blogger Chris said...

*hug* I know the place you're in, sweetie. It's a hard place to get out of, but really, it's worth it. Telling the blososphere, aka your friends, is a great first step. Remember me taking it not that long ago?! Take little steps, so you don't overwhelm yourself. If you can at all work in some exercise (some 15-30 minute walks, maybe?), it will have definite mood-lifting effects in 2-3 weeks.

 
At 07 August, 2008, Blogger Allison said...

My life has sucked lately too in many ways and I feel just like you, so for me to come here and give you advice and tell you to "take it day by day" and "to work through it" would be totally hypocritical of me.

So let's just both get drunk tomorrow night (it's Friday anyway), and call each other. We'll laugh, we'll cry, we'll make fun of people, and we'll curse the world and everything in it. We might not feel any better on Saturday morning, but at least for an hour or so tomorrow night, we'll forget about how much life has been shitting on us lately, right?

I love ya, girl, and you know that. We'll get through this shit somehow. And if we don't, we'll just drink ourselves blind. Deal?

 
At 07 August, 2008, Blogger Queen of no man's land said...

TINK,, You need to talk to the REAL LIFE FAIRY TALE PRINCESS,, and see if she will throw you in the LOONY BIN with the rest of us... that will open your mind...well...we have booze and drugs there,,so.. it might not open your mind... but it sure as heck will make you laugh...

 
At 07 August, 2008, Blogger Allison said...

And now that I've had to chance to read most of the other posts, I feel bad. LOL! Everyone else offered you sound advice and gave you all sorts of (((hugs))) and stuff.

But I find that when I post something a bit sad or depressing, the comments that I like the most are the blunt, sarcastic ones that make me laugh. I'm not a "huggy" person at all, so I actually get uncomfortable when people give them to me, even via the internet. (I think there's some deep-seeded issues there, but I refuse to acknowledge them right now.)

So if you wanted me to hug you, I apologize, but it just ain't happening. I'd really prefer to belly up to the bar, down a shot or two (or fifteen), and laugh -- even if only momentarily -- before I have to wake up the next day and face the demons that have invaded my life.

Dammit, I wish you lived closer. We would be so trashed off our asses right now, it wouldn't even be funny. Sigh.

You and Hoop should really consider some real-estate in the Poconos. It's beautiful up here and we could be those "two drunk girls that everyone loves" at all of the local bars...

 
At 08 August, 2008, Blogger Reb said...

Tink, first off clean the house and get some groceries. The world always looks better with clean sheets and a full tummy.

Then brush up your resume. Even if you don't apply for another job, you know that you can and that helps with the "trapped" feeling. A friend of mine always says, "I was looking for a job when I got this one!"

Tackle the things you can fix in small steps. Owning property and vehicles - you never need to wonder where your money has gone to. It may sound trite, but damn it is true!

There is nothing wrong with a little chemical intervention if you really think it is that bad. Talk to your Dr., that is what they are there for.

Oh and Gordo is bang on with the poutine. OMG that stuff is good!

 
At 08 August, 2008, Anonymous SgtTwistd said...

I know how your feeling TwistdTink! I've been craving a good ole night of alcohol and good times lately...
Sometimes we have to talk back to ourselves when we get into a negative groove. Tell those damned negative feelings where they can go! The world seems to be in some sort of funk... The economy, gas prices, etc. Its dragging us down!

I think its about time I make some poutine to see what its all about! :)

 
At 08 August, 2008, Blogger mrspao said...

Hug x I know it has been hard - pao and I went through a similar phase of life when we first got married when nothing seemed to go right for it. Hope it gets better for you and if you ever manage to get over here - we'll do all we can to put a smile on your face.

 
At 08 August, 2008, Blogger Michael Knight Rambo said...

I'm from Canada and I agree- there are few foods better than poutine. Trust me. I've eaten it a thousand times.
You have some beautiful pictures on Temporary/Permanent. The sand is never a match for the waves. There's comfort to be taken when you realize NOTHING is permanent.
I've never seen a cat skeleton in a tree or a car trying to make a left on a busy street that was still there a week later... with a skeleton in it!!! Everything works itself out. Eventually.
Some wise words: (whatever works for your situation)
"Do your work. Then step back.
The only path to serenity."
-Lao Tzu- Tao Te Ching
"What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight. Build anyway."
-Mother Theresa
"Trying is the first step to failure."
-Homer Simpson
Me,I drink. But I have friends/ coworkers who take pills for depression and anxiety and they work.

 
At 08 August, 2008, Anonymous kcinnova said...

Oh, Tink!!!
Much good advice above, I'm thinking esp. Reb's & Moo's.

"Better living through chemicals" is something that made sense after I finally realized I couldn't pull myself out of the pit on my own. It's not a panacea, but it sure as heck makes a difference. I call them my happy pills.

Every winter (Jan? Feb?) I get really down, stop cleaning, stop shopping... sound familiar? Reb is right, you WILL feel better with clean sheets and a full tummy. It's just hard to make that happen, but YOU CAN do it!!!

Hang in there, Tink. We're all pulling for you. And I venture to say, those of us who pray are praying for you, too.

 
At 08 August, 2008, Blogger Lisa said...

Tink, I usually read and not comment, but your post has me in tears.

Please go to your doctor. Explain everything that has happened in the last little/long while and what you have been going through . . . or, heck, just pick a couple of posts (especially this one) and let the dr read it himself. Pills aren't always the answer, but they can help you survive at least until your natural optimism makes a reappearance.

Take care of yourself and know that many, many people out here are pulling for you.

 
At 08 August, 2008, Blogger furiousBall said...

we'll all make it tink. keep yourself focused on the good bits and believe me, it will work out.

either that or you'll end up homeless and addicted to meth, doing weird elbow tricks for money

 
At 08 August, 2008, Blogger Hilary said...

There's much wisdom in these comments, Tink. You have been through a horrendous time recently. I would worry more if you didn't react as you have. Cut Hoop and yourself some slack, and go make an appointment at least for yourself. We've all been there to some degree. We don't all have your guts to put it out there and accept public advice and concern. I'm going to email you a very short story that might just mean something to you.

I'm from Montreal originally.. I'd dodge the poutine! ;)

 
At 08 August, 2008, Anonymous Ellie said...

are you me? im sitting here crying going thank you for letting me know its not 'just me' i seem to go through phases of one bad thing happening after another and you get to a point where you dont feel able to manage.There is better day coming, right now you just need to stop and think about yourself and Hoop and make each other better. please dont be too hard on Hoop for smoking though, he is in exactly the same place as you are right now. he will stop again when he is a bit stronger im sure.
i know this is so wierd to be offering advice to a stranger but i really do care.
Ellie x

 
At 08 August, 2008, Blogger Tequila Mockingbird said...

huffing paint thinner will totally prod the positive spot in your brain...

totally kidding. but yeah, sometimes you gotta take a step back when you get overwhelmed. it helps the apathy from setting in too much.

*hugs*

 
At 08 August, 2008, Blogger Dianne said...

you sound a lot like where I was last fall. and I hadn't gone through as much as you have! I don't know if it all just caught up, if I couldn't fake it anymore, whatever ...

Just taking a shower was exhausting and everything seemed impossible.

You really should talk to your Dr. - stress and grief wreak havoc with our bodies and our minds. It's OK to need a little help.

Hugs kid.

 
At 08 August, 2008, Blogger The Real Life Fairy Tale Princess said...

Hang in there babe, it'll pass!!
*BIG HUGS*

 
At 08 August, 2008, Blogger gary rith said...

things in the US and the wrold aren't a whole lot of fun these days--if I may suggest working on anything creative could be good for your brain? You're such a fine writer and photographer....?

 
At 08 August, 2008, Blogger Fortune Cookies said...

Oh tink! (BIG HUGS) I feel yah on this. Depression is an abyss of apathy and sorrow, cycling over and over. I've lived with it for the majority of my life. Honestly, antidepressants help to regain that optimistic voice you once had. She'll be back, sometimes she just needs a kick start. Talk to a doctor. And keep taking that dog on walks. Exercise helps to get the brain chemistry back on track too. God knows me and my pooch could use more walks.

 
At 08 August, 2008, Blogger Tink said...

It's funny; I almost didn't submit this post yesterday. Then, I almost didn't allow comments. But just before I committed myself to either option I thought, "Why the hell not?" and hit submit anyway. I'm glad I did.

I don't know what I expected. A pity party? A sign? Part of me thought/hoped that no one would reply at all. It's an uncomfortable subject. Times are tough... for everyone. Who am I to sing to the choir?

I shouldn't have worried. But that's my problem, isn't it? I can't stop worrying. As always, you guys provided me with just what I needed, and probably more than I deserve. Advice. Support. Humor. Comfort.

It's amazing that each of you has a gift and that you give it so well. Mamalujo, despite my misgivings (while we're being honest), I can always count on you to be straight with me. Allison always makes me laugh.

Jay always makes me feel comforted. Newt always makes me feel strong. I could go on and on. You're ALL amazing. My world is brighter for having you in it. I can't deny the importance of this place and you people.

I don't know what will "fix" me. If someone knew the key to happiness they'd be selling it for millions. But I'm going to keep trying. It's all I can do. Forgive me if I lapse now and again. I'm only a fairy... er, human.

 
At 08 August, 2008, Blogger Tink said...

Oh and LL, if you're reading this, I'm still doing your personal post today. It'll be up from 4:30ish through the weekend.

 
At 08 August, 2008, Blogger jeanne_bean said...

Tink, I'm so sorry you feel so bad and you may recall that I am also a proponent of "better living through chemistry". It isn't a panacea, but it certainly helps you to get out of bed when before you couldn't even imagine dragging yourself out of it. You've had a rough time as has Hoop. You've told us, now tell your doctor. Believe me, just getting it off your chest will help.

I wish you peace and lots of good fortune.

 
At 08 August, 2008, Blogger mamatulip said...

Aw, Tink. I'm sorry, love. You know what? You have every right to feel overwhelmed. I would too.

I hope things ease up this weekend for you.

 
At 08 August, 2008, Blogger tt said...

I 'see you' everywhere and decided to read you today. Wow...sorry chica. Sounds like you went roaming around my brain for a while...that's scarey. Sometimes it takes a while for things to pass or get worked out. In the mean time...we just keep on going..acknowledging to the universe that it is what it is....and looking for a bright spot in the day.
I crumble to the floor from time to time....I'm beginning to like it there...:)....it's cool and within reach of something cool to drink. :)
You're special girl!

 
At 08 August, 2008, Blogger Pamer said...

aw Tink

i wish i could offer some advise and comfort to you at this time...but it's kinda hard to do with only a comment box...

just know that you are amazing and you help us all smile more and laugh more and see the funny side of things more

it will get better...it has too, right?? **hug**

 
At 08 August, 2008, Blogger fiwa said...

I'm glad you allowed comments. We all want to let you know how much you are loved.

 
At 08 August, 2008, Blogger LL said...

Erm... what everyone else said...

The world has quite an oppressive feel right now, doesn't it... we even feel it out here.

Oh... btw... *smooch*

 
At 08 August, 2008, Blogger Catutes said...

Tink,
Hang in there. It is hard to find the sunshine amidst all the rain and gloom, I know. It's the small little things that can mean everything. A hug from Hoop, a good book and some friendly conversation. I can't say it's easy to look past the bad crap, as I'm struggling with the same things now, but holding the bright spots when you see them, certainly helps some.

We're all listening and here when you need to rant.
Catootes

 
At 08 August, 2008, Blogger Freakazojd said...

You've had a lot of absolutely wonderful comments here and I don't know that I'm in a place to offer anything that would be considered a valuabe addition. But I just wanted to let you know that I understand how you're feeling, and I'm sad to hear that you're feeling this way. It's a small consolation indeed to say that "This, too, shall pass" but it will. I hope that it passes sooner rather than later. Sending you lots of big MamaK hugs and positive vibes. :)
xoxo

 
At 09 August, 2008, Blogger coffespaz said...

I don't think I can offer anything more than what has already been said. We all hit those spots in our life, sometimes all together en mass!

Hang in there love! It will get better.

HUGS!!!!!!!!

 
At 09 August, 2008, Blogger the Bag Lady said...

Tink, sweetie...get up off the floor, re-read these comments, take a step back and a deep breath and look at how many lives you have an effect on every day!! I don't always comment, and I'm sure there are lots of others who don't, but I gotta tell ya, you make my world a little brighter, and I'm sorry that you're going through a bad patch right now.

Things will get better, or maybe you'll just get used to it, but in MY little corner of the world, if it wasn't for bad luck, the Cowboy and I wouldn't have any luck at all!!

So know this: you are not alone, and you have a lot of folks out here who care about you. Here's something I read (at exactly the moment I needed to) that struck me so deeply, I made it into a plaque and keep it on my desk where I can read it every day:

With all it's sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
(the Desiderata)

 
At 12 August, 2008, Blogger Saffa Chick said...

Ooh you just blogged my life. I'm in a funk too and trying to pull through it. House, money, job, bloke, aargh! Cleaning and shopping are too much like hard work, and if I don't do those Milord bloody won't. Not that he's annoying me with his own funk or anything.

I don't agree with pills, but then I've never taken any.

Take a walk, alone, to a quiet sunny place and watch the breeze in the treetops for a while. With chocolate.

And no, life is not always like this. Being a grown up does not mean being beaten down all the time. It will pass and you will have the serenity and flashes of joy back again.

PS. weddings are waaAAay more stressful on the bride than anyone realises, even the bride, until it's over.

 

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