NyQuil Makes You High

(A post written by Hoop while sick with the flu.)

Dear Rich People;

By rich people I am speaking of sports stars, rock stars, actors/actresses, corporate big boys, and Bill Gates. This is an essay to explain why one of you should give me 2 million dollars. I will accept charity, free P.R., and I really like money. That's all. I work hard and it's taking longer than I expected. So please help speed up the process. Have you ever given a bum money? Well, I have. I know it's not that satisfying and my girlfriend made me delete the picture I took of him sleeping. But that's not the point.

The point is that girls think an act of charity is sexy. They love it! Giving a couple million dollars for no reason to some guy you've never met before? That's an aphrodisiac to them. It's good P.R. Speaking of P.R., this is a chance to make a huge deal out of how generous you can be. Think about it. This is a chance to make the news, crack jokes with Letterman, or just put it in your life story. I'll even read it! I am but a mere financial representative. I go to work every day and do the best that I can. But this process could take me ten years or more, and I'll probably have kids by then.

When I gave that bum money, I maybe had $100 to my name. I gave him $3. That was 3% of my net worth that I gave away for no reason! He probably used it to buy booze or crack or something. See, I won't do that. I'll invest it. My girlfriend still talks about that bum. It makes a great story for when we're out drinking with friends. That's what you'd be creating here, a LEGEND. Don't you want to be a legend? Don't let my future wife and kids live a lower middle class life. So... Who's coming to bat? Anyone? The race begins now!

~Hoop