Wednesday, September 17, 2008

"I Do What I Want!"

That's Hoop's line when I tell him he can't do something, like eating two Snickers bars in one sitting... or believing he can fly without the aid of a plane. In the case of the first scenario, I ended up chasing him around the house yelling, "I will smush it!" So he shut himself in the bathroom and yelled back, "I do what I want!" like an insolent kid. I'm having one of those days today. I don't feel like piecing together all these thoughts to form a coherent post. So I'm just going to ramble. Probably a lot. Because damn it, that's what I want. It's not considered "jumping the shark" if I warn you I'm doing it first, right?

Sunday afternoon, Hoop wrapped his face in one of my old bandannas and declared he was going to mow the lawn. Have I mentioned how much I love that riding lawn mower? I think it might be an aphrodisiac. An hour after Hoop started mowing, I went out with a cold glass of water and my camera. Hoop threw the mower in park when he saw me coming and started gesturing wildly with his hands. Little did I know, it was his pathetic attempt at gang signs. My boy, he's so white he's clear. "What?!" I screamed over the noise. I swear it looked like he was trying to tell me he'd lost his finger but that I shouldn't worry because it was only the tip of it.

Fucking-a.

When he realized I didn't have any idea what he was trying to do, he quickly cut off the machine, enabling me to see that he still had all of his digits. So of course, I didn't mention the fact that I thought we'd have to start calling him Stubby. Don't think that I wouldn't either. I had a dream last night that I went to use the bathroom at a bar and some chick wouldn't let me enter the stall. So I punched her between the eyes and it knocked her out. The dream ended when I couldn't decide whether I should run away or pee first. I've had punching dreams before, but the punches either never connected or my hand went through the target like jello.

Then again, I wasn't a badass at Wii boxing before.

My coworker just stopped me on my way to the coffee pot to ask if I had anonymously entered her into a muscular dystrophy challenge. Apparently, someone from work entered her without her consent. Now she's going to have to go downtown at her lunch next Wednesday and participate in a curbside fundraiser. If she doesn't show up, someone is going to come and "kidnap" her. Does anyone else find this kind of creepy? I'm all for a good cause. But, I like to choose when and what I'm rallying for. I also find it disturbing that my first thought was that this might be a trap. Possibly one put on by the Scientologists.

There are other things I could discuss with you, like the fact that Hoop's parents are both certifiably crazy (IMHO). <-- Stands for "in my humble opinion", not "I'm (a) ho". But really, who likes airing out dirty laundry on the net? Not me. No way. Have I mentioned that his Mom still hasn't gotten me the addresses for the people she wants to invite to the wedding? Now she wants us to bring all the stuff to her house this weekend so we (I) can work on it at her convenience. I hope someone gives me a gun as a wedding present... with silver bullets... and a self targeting mechanism, because Jebus knows I can't aim.


I won't even get started on Hoop's Dad; because no one likes to see me unleash the She-Hulk. She sucks the happy right out of the party. In other news, the A/C on my car is fixed. Yay for Hoop! I dropped my dress off at the local seamstress this weekend. Mom kept telling me how skinny I looked and I had to keep explaining that the corset I was wearing was redistributing my fat. If it wouldn't keep me from eating, or breathing, I might be coerced into wearing one every day. And, as a final note to this weird ramble/recap, I'm including a link to the funniest stuff on the web. Yesterday's edition was one of my all time favorites.

Enjoy!

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26 Comments:

At 17 September, 2008, Blogger furiousBall said...

you best stop oppressin' the Hoop. The Hoop does what the Hoop wants to do.

 
At 17 September, 2008, OpenID kcinnova said...

You said Silver Bullets! hahaha, time to pop open the Coors Light (how would THAT go over at work??) On the other hand...that isn't a bad idea of a way to get through time spent with distressing relatives...

And just for you, I'm gonna post a pic of my dh on riding mower. He'll make Hoop...I mean, Stubby! ...look cool. As cool as A/C in a car.

 
At 17 September, 2008, Blogger Maggie said...

ah inlaws and stumpy fingers - totally normal.

 
At 17 September, 2008, Blogger Jay said...

I think you should start calling Hoop "Stubby" anyway. I'm sure he'd love that nickname. ;-)

I just checked with Admiral Ackbar and he agrees that this charity thing sounds like a trap.

 
At 17 September, 2008, Blogger Peggy said...

I say that of course Hoop does as he wants. It also means that you can do the same too, if you want.

With regard to the future m.i.l. - Just "forget" to bring the invitations and keep blowing her off about them. Learn to make passive agressive work FOR you for once!

 
At 17 September, 2008, Blogger gary rith said...

I dig your dude's tractor, you know?

 
At 17 September, 2008, Blogger meno said...

I too find that kidnapping shit to be creepy.

What a weird thing to do to someone else without their consent. If it were me, i would call in sick that day. (Passive-aggressive much?)

 
At 17 September, 2008, Blogger Reb said...

Signing people up is not cool at all. You could tell your MIL that you have done all the cards and as she didn't give you a list of names, there are only ten left over ;)

 
At 17 September, 2008, Blogger Knot said...

I kept hearing Kenny Chesney's "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy" during that post.

Knot

 
At 17 September, 2008, Blogger Mary said...

Oddly enough I had no idea what "jumping the shark" meant until recently. And then when I did hear it for the first time, i believe it was in reference to my sister dying BEFORE she jumped the shark. Uh it was an odd conversation between my brother, dad, husband and myself.

I heard the other day that those with higher IQ's dream more.... ;-)

 
At 17 September, 2008, Blogger Michael Knight Rambo said...

Hoop's "pathetic attempt at gang signs" is a shout-out to the West Coast!
See the W's?
WW!

 
At 17 September, 2008, Blogger mamatulip said...

Dude, this post has it all: men acting like stubborn children, riding lawnmowers, gang signs, swear words, Scientology digs, a She-Hulk...

WICKED.

 
At 17 September, 2008, Blogger moo said...

I think we all want to be little kids again ... and indulging that in your partner makes for a VERY fun marriage (trust me on that one!!)

My husband will "hold his breath" when I say he can't do something. It cracks us both up and eases tension.

 
At 17 September, 2008, Blogger PEACE said...

A riding mower, how cool, I think you should take that chore and let your guy take on the inside jobs, like dishes.

When do we get to see a picture of the dress?

Breathe, stay calm, all will work out.

 
At 18 September, 2008, Anonymous SgtTwistd said...

Tink's next book,

"The Obstinate Adventures of Hoop,
I do what I want"

All I want is a mention at the beginning of the book Tink! ;) lol

 
At 18 September, 2008, Blogger Terri said...

its been too long since we've had a funny and real post from you like this - its nice. What's the countdown now, something under two months right? Very excited for you.

 
At 18 September, 2008, Blogger Fortune Cookies said...

hehehe, hoop sounds like Cartman! Wifester's version of "I do what I want" is "STOP telling me what to doooooooo!" either way, they need us to keep em' in line. I agree, that charity thing sounds like the works of the Scientologists!

 
At 18 September, 2008, Blogger Jen said...

sounds like your family in-laws should get together with my family in-laws. . . .

 
At 18 September, 2008, Blogger Farmer*swife said...

Riding lawn mowers/tractors rock!

I disagree with jay. I don't think Hoop would like being called "stubby." It might infer another "digit" and most men don't like that kinda' thing. ;-)

You make me laugh! I giggled through your ramble. I love rambles! Can't wait for a pic of you and Hoop in full wedding attire. You are going to share one when y'all return from Honey-moonin'? Right?

Happy Thursday!

 
At 18 September, 2008, Blogger Dianne said...

I wish I was a bitchy MIL, I spend all my time saying (and meaning) "whatever you guys want" or "are you happy?"

and the little bitch treats me like beer left out in the sun

but I digress ...

You make me laugh

 
At 18 September, 2008, Blogger Chris said...

The Corset Diet. You must write the book and you will be rich.

 
At 18 September, 2008, Blogger Chelle Y. said...

Sounds like Hoop needs a spanking! Haha!

 
At 19 September, 2008, Anonymous susan said...

It's up to you to make Hoop think that what he wants is really the seed that you already planted in his head...good practice in case you ever have kids!

Then again...it's kinda fun living with an overgrown kid...at least most of the time.

 
At 19 September, 2008, Blogger Kelly said...

Ah, the joys of in-laws and wedding planning! How I don't miss them....

I'll work on your veil this weekend, I promise. Don't panic!

I think you should post pictures of Hoop on the tractor. You know, so the rest of us can enjoy too.

 
At 20 September, 2008, Blogger Chatty said...

Future Mom-in-law seems to be - AT THE VERY LEAST - a veritable queen of passive aggression. To wit: When exactly is your wedding? And, ...she hasn't given you her guest list yet????

To be kind, perhaps she has:

a) forgotten (it having been so many years since she was joyfully joined in matrimony - or bondage, whichever - to her charming husband) how difficult it is to plan a wedding without knowing the numbers - so that you can alert the caterers, fix upon the number of tables (and tablecloths) necessary (thereby knowing how to attractively arrange said tables in the space allotted), address the invitations, etc.

OR

b) eloped, and doesn't know (or care) about the planning involved.

And "She sucks the happy right out of the party."...

May I swipe that phrase? It's priceless, and will be very very useful in day-to-day descriptions of several people I know...; )

Hang in there Tink - and:

Illegitimi non carborundum

Actually, the above is incorrect, and bad Latin, for many reasons - but is better known than what follows.

Because the more apt phrase - and I think you should memorize this, just because you CAN - is:

Noli nothis permittere te terere.

Which is the CORRECT Latin for:

Don't let the bastards wear you down.

But, either one will do - because insulting people in Latin is SO satisfying...even if you have to do it under your breath...

 
At 25 September, 2008, Blogger Lefty said...

You crack me up, lady. And how did you know about my momma's army boots?

 

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