Thursday, December 28, 2006

My Shared Minute

"Most of us pretend, with greater or lesser success, that the minute we live in is something we can share." ~Gregory David Roberts (Shantaram)

I crawled into the kitchen this morning for some coffee and found nothing but a bare pot. "Maybe I'll just eat some grinds," I thought. If that isn't an indication of how long this holiday has dragged on, I don't know what is. By Saturday, Hoop and I will have celebrated Christmas FOUR times! As a kid I would have thought that was pretty cool. But as an adult? My "holiday cheer" and "good-will to men" is stretching pretty thin. Papa Bear is going to burn the tree this weekend. Because, well... We're apparently redneck like that. If you see some chick roasting marshmallows over her flaming tree, it's me.

The point of all this mental vomit is that I don't really have anything great to blog about. The holiday has sucked the funny right out of me. So instead of some clever post with "Daily Hoop Conversations" and such, I'm going to tell you a horror story. It all started with a very sincere and thoughtful gesture. My Grandma, the one from my Father's side, sent me a Christmas card the other day with her email address written inside. So I wrote her and then she wrote back. Evidently that's how these things work. Attached to her email was a photo. "Your family," she wrote. I was curious, I hadn't seen any of them in over ten years. What I saw when I clicked on it though made me wish I was adopted...

It looked like a homemade production of "The Hills Have Eyes." Some of my cousins never grew into their heads. Others were lacking necks and waistlines, hidden under pudgy rolls of fat and fur hair. We are Italian afterall. All but one was frowning, and he had holes where teeth should be. Babies were being held up by their arms, bodies dangling, as if their parents were proclaiming, "Look what I made!" One cousin wore make-up so black I thought her eyeballs were missing. "That is not my family," I thought while deleting the picture. I still haven't figured out how to delete the memory of it though. So my question to you all is... How long do I have? How long until my Father's freakish genetics kick in? Cause I swear they all looked normal when I was a kid!

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19 Comments:

At 28 December, 2006, Blogger Sunshine said...

I always keep in mind that old mantra "don't judge a person by their family" because so many of my family members are so completely whacked, that if I hadn't lived them or heard them, I wouldn't believe most of the family stories are true.
Most pathetic of all might be this gem of a conversational tidbit:
Me: I wish she (mother) would just move away somewhere else, no one wants to see her and she doesn't deserve to see me or any of my kids
Brother: *snort*
Me: I think the next time I need to hear anything about her, someone can let me know when she dies, then maybe I'll send a bunch of flowers
Brother: *snort*

And the whole whacked family issue isn't something I even feel the energy to blog about for the most part.
If it is any consolation, I think you're totally cool even if your family photo looks like something from "Deliverance".

 
At 28 December, 2006, Blogger Newt said...

Your beauty goes to the very marrow of your bones darling. You have nothing to worry about.

 
At 28 December, 2006, Blogger Jay said...

I think their environment probably
contributed to their freakishness. So, that probably won't effect you.

As much.

LOL .. kidding .. I kid because I care.

Even when you don't think you have something to say, you have something to say. uhh .. yeah, I think that's what I meant.

OH, and don't burn the tree. Donate it to a local lake and fish conservation group. They use them to build bass habitats in the lakes. That wasy rednecks can get years of joy out of your tree.

 
At 28 December, 2006, Blogger Mike Y said...

Ahhh Tink ;) I'm sure if you had the "bad" gene, it'd have surfaced by now. You poor thing you.

I'm pretty over the holiday too. It's snowing again and I'm sick of having a white Christmas. Now, I'd like some sun again ;)

 
At 28 December, 2006, Blogger Chris said...

My dad's side of the family is like that. Yeee-ikes! They sent a family photo on a coffee mug some years ago. I took that bad boy and left it at the thrift store where I hope someone adopted it and pretended that was THEIR North Dakota redneck family...

ANYWAY. I'm 40 and my brother's nearly there and we just look like each other, not like any of those scary fat'n'furry folks on my dad's side. So - you might luck out...

Hee hee - I was thinking that "Ho Ho Ho" arrived too late for Christmas, but it sounds like its twisted view of the holiday is quite timely... Pay particular attention to "Pachabel's Tantrum"!

 
At 28 December, 2006, Blogger Mary said...

Poor Tink....you just need to get shitfaced drunk again, do something really odd, and maybe that will make you forget what you saw. It's worth a shot anyways....

even when you don't TRY to be funny, you are :)

 
At 28 December, 2006, Blogger mrspao said...

My nephew's photos that were taken by a photographer are so scary we keep them in a drawer. I have some nicer photos I took that I'd put in display instead! I'm going to have to dig the ugly ones out when the bil and sil visit though...

 
At 28 December, 2006, Blogger Pamer said...

you can pick your nose but you can't pick your family...funny that i heard dueling banjos while reading your post

 
At 28 December, 2006, Blogger Mignon said...

Tink, who went and sucked the funny out of these holidays? Mine were distinctly devoid of humor, unless someone was watching me try to assemble a wagon at 11 at night, Christmas Eve. They would have laughed at my misfortune, I'm sure.

Sorry about the hick pic. (See? Even that wasn't funny.)

 
At 28 December, 2006, Anonymous mamatulip said...

Christmas ate your brain, too? At least I'm not alone. ;)

Jesus, FOUR Christmasses? You must be all sorts of turkeyed out.

Sorry, but I'm LMAO at the description of your family. I'm also LMAO because the first thing I thought of when I read that last paragraph was something Dave said to me one day when I was crying about something someone in his family did...he said, "You can pick your nose but you can't pick your family." And I see that someone has already shared that piece of wisdom with you...so I'm going to just leave it at that. Because it's sad but true in some cases. LOL.

 
At 28 December, 2006, Anonymous wordgirl said...

I think you'll always be beautiful. Part of what makes people age badly is--okay--genetics, but Cynical Bastard is right in his assertion that environment adds its own two cents. Also...diet and education. You've got plans for your life, Tink, don't include winding up looking like the resident of a tenement slum or some overalled urchin hanging off the front porch in the movie, "Deliverance". You're better than that. Start believing it.

 
At 28 December, 2006, Blogger Alien said...

Oh, you're fine. You're old enough now that I think if the freakishness of your genetics was going to take effect, it would've taken effect by now.

It's your kids you need to worry about. Mwaaahaaahaaa! ;)

 
At 28 December, 2006, Blogger meno said...

Stock up on Nair baby!

Christmas can go away and not come back for several years in my opinion.

 
At 28 December, 2006, Blogger FA said...

How can you say you have the funny sucked out of you? It was so000 hard not erupting in laughter while reading the description of the photo.

 
At 28 December, 2006, Blogger spellconjurer said...

Tink,,,,you adorable, delectable, cute, squishable, huggable, loveable, hoot-i-fied, shining example of the goodness of humanity,,,,,,,,,,,When? When is someone going to finally admit to you that you're the mailman's kid? (no offense Tink's bodacious mom) I don't know why they torture you with this "history". Find the mailman. He's the golden ticket. I bet he's decended from royalty anyhow. Princess Tink. Princess Tinkle. Princess Tinkles a lot. Please hold while I call Mattel's new toy development line,,,,,

 
At 29 December, 2006, Blogger EE said...

I think it's ok. You're alright. ;)

From what I can tell, everyone is pretty much over Christmas at this point. Hang in there chickie!

 
At 29 December, 2006, Anonymous Susan said...

Alien already said my first thought! My next thought is that perhaps your grandma is just a great kidder?

 
At 29 December, 2006, Blogger Chelle Y. said...

I think, Tink, that you are adorable! You have a great sense of humor too! You are going to be fine!

Hey, I love Christmas, but since all my family is gone now, it is just Brendan and me. Everyone else went back to reality! :)

 
At 05 January, 2007, Blogger graymama said...

I am reminded of 2 things:

1) I just watched JUNEBUG over the holiday because of your raving review :-) Remember that it can feel really good to drive away from all of the chaos at the end.

2) "The Defective Simpson Gene" Remember like Lisa you are female, so you have turned out just fine :-)

 

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