Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Darling Belladonna

Hoop and I were already pretty high on the anticipation of our upcoming vacation when Nash suggested we go out drinking. So maybe I wasn't as careful to milk my drinks as I normally do. Within the first half hour I was feeling the effects of the martinis, which turned out to be less rum-and-pineapple and more rum-with-pineapple-garnish. The three boys, who were only drinking beer, had to clear a pitcher each just to catch up. "I have to call Allison when I'm drunk." I reminded them repeatedly. "I PROMISED." "I think you're already drunk." Hoop laughed.

Finding no reason to disagree, I dialed her number. Unfortunately, Allison was also out drinking and couldn't hear her phone over the music. Nash suggested I sooth my itchy finger by drunk dialing the President instead. Even tipsy I wasn't foolish enough to do it. So I handed my phone over to Nash and Bob instead. Hoop's convinced the FBI is tracking us now. "White house," A female voice answered. "Yeah, I'm trying to get ahold of President Bush," Nash said politely. "Their offices are closed until Monday morning, 9 am." "What time do they open Monday morning?" Bob slurred.

"9 am." There was an edge to her voice now. "How long is the average wait time to speak to a liaison?" "You really need to speak to the staff on Monday, sir." Bob, clearly losing focus, asked her what time the office opened again. "I already told you that." The rep was starting to get pissed. "I'm sorry ma'am. I have bad reception. I have Cingular." Then he thanked her, told her he loved her and hung up the phone. If anyone else is interested in making a total ass out of themselves to some poor sap stuck answering the President's phone on a Saturday night, call this number: 1-202-456-1414.

Afterward, we took pictures pretending to destroy things around town...

Hey look, a floating door!

On our way back toward the house, we crossed paths with a bum. "Spare a dollar?" He asked. "What will you do for it?" Bob called back. I think it's pretty obvious who our instigator is now. The bum wobbled on the spot, obviously drunk. "Could we get a picture with you? Or maybe a video?" Nash suggested. "I'll tell you a poem!" We all snickered. I honestly expected something along the lines of Dr. Seuss. What came out instead was simply shocking. I've translated it below for you. The video was far too dark to post. I've researched and it doesn't appear to be something published. I call it "Darling Belladonna". Enjoy. I'll have more stories for you tomorrow!

On the street it's straight.
Western philosopher living in an Eastern world.
Dividing illusion from reality.
On the path to becoming enlightened.
The door to another galaxy.
A white dove flying at night.
Zig-zags out of perception-
-and hands you the key to knowledge.
An hourglass ticking and running low.
Following the steps and seeds of destiny.
Performing acts of respect for power-
-in a manner of natural assurance.
His boiling mind, it stands out far like a tunnel.
A vision of illness within a star.
Bringing him further into the world-
-of the protector and the hidden.
Wide awake with horror, with fear.
Recalling recollections of an ancient time.
Swimming through dreams of sparkling light.
Down to the gates of eternity.
And by the way darling Belladonna.
Open your hands so we can dance.

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At 21 May, 2008, Blogger fiwa said...

lol... I love the picture of you hanging off the door.

Now, like the big red button you told us not to push, I am tempted to call that number, just to see if it REALLY goes to the white house. Bet they're going to get a lot of hang up calls today. ;)

I love the poem. I hope you gave the man his dollar - that is well worth it!

At 21 May, 2008, Blogger Tink said...

We ended up giving him $3.50. :)

At 21 May, 2008, Blogger Jay said...

You are now definitely on somebody's list in Washington. You'll find out who's next time you fly. ;-)

I couldn't have come up with that poem if I was stone cold sober. You have some pretty articulate bums down there.

At 21 May, 2008, Blogger the planet of janet said...

that's some deeeeeeeeeeeeeeep bum poetry, kiddo.

At 21 May, 2008, Blogger meno said...

That's one hell of a poem. I wonder if he wrote it.

I'm glad the door didn't suddenly open and knock you ass over teakettle.

At 21 May, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That is quite a poem, and well worth the $3.50!

The door reminds me of "Monsters, Inc."

At 21 May, 2008, Blogger Peggy said...

I have never dialed drunk. I never even thought of it. I guess it shows how dull I was when drunk.

At 21 May, 2008, Blogger Knight said...

I love that door picture.

What lovely bums you have in your neck of the woods. I had a friend that drunkly asked a crazy guy what he would do for a dollar. They did a jig and sang "Please give me a quarter, help me feed my baby!" This went to the tune of "If you think I'm sexy and you want my body." They got their earned money.

I bet the white house gets odd calls all day long.

At 21 May, 2008, Blogger Woman in a Window said...

Why is it that every time I come here I lament growing old...drunken nights and poetry and destroying things and small thighs...(?) Oh ya, I remember why now, I'm getting old(er)! Sounds like fun! (being you, not me)

At 21 May, 2008, Blogger gary rith said...


At 21 May, 2008, Blogger LL said...

I believe you're supposed to "push" on that kinda door Tinkie...

At 21 May, 2008, Blogger Pamer said...

you gave him Tree Fiddy??? Tree Fiddy???

(that was a lame attempt at doing Chef's Dad from South Park)

Actually that was a pretty good poem...probably deserved $3.75

At 21 May, 2008, Blogger musingwoman said...

I have bad reception. I have Cingular.

Good cover.

Also, I'd like to quote you on my blog. Would you email me about it? (trying to keep my face unsporked)

At 21 May, 2008, Blogger Eric Shonkwiler said...

Are you sure that bum wasn't Morrison? Hidden underground for years and let loose? Here to tell us to ride the snake?

At 22 May, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, bums who have Ph.D's in English lit.

My bums just want smokes and "money for gas".


At 22 May, 2008, Blogger Jo said...

Whoa. That poem was incredible. The whole situation is so eerie & yet lovely.

I love the pic of you & the door...reminds me of Alice in Wonderland.

At 22 May, 2008, Blogger Chris said...

Hmm, I wonder if that bum was actually a poet laureate slumming it...

At 22 May, 2008, Blogger furiousBall said...

although you have weird elbows, you've got nice getaway sticks.

At 22 May, 2008, Blogger OneDaisy said...

How beautiful!
I have now decided that I want to meet the instigator and go drink martini's with you. When will work for you?

At 22 May, 2008, Blogger Kelley said...

Wow. I am in awe of drunk dialing President Bush.

At 22 May, 2008, Blogger Alice said...

holy crap. it's never occurred to me to drunk dial the PRESIDENT. ballsy!

At 22 May, 2008, Blogger Tequila Mockingbird said...

hmm, you should totally call me when youre drunk. and hey, if you are up to the challange, i'll be in tampa visiting family and friends aroudn the 4th of july, feel free to come stalk me and see if you can keep up.

At 22 May, 2008, Blogger moo said...

ah, to be young again.

Where the hell did you get the president's number??

At 22 May, 2008, Blogger Heather said...

I'm with Moo... I would have NO idea how to find the president's number. Can you just call 411 for that??

Also, that poem was pretty good for someone who probably spends 90% of his waking hours drunk. Glad he got his full $3.50. :-)

At 22 May, 2008, Blogger Sparkling Red said...

That is one kick-ass poem. The bum should start a poetry blog. $3.50 actually buys quite a long time at an internet cafe.

At 22 May, 2008, Blogger Reb said...

I wanna be young again, just for a little while. Pretty good poem, I wonder what his life was like before he hit the skids. Cool picture of you hanging on the door, I see Monsters Inc. in that.

At 23 May, 2008, Blogger said...

I am jealous. You clearly have a higher class of bums in your neck of the woods than I do. And I have to commend you on your choice of drinking buddies. Good job.

At 23 May, 2008, Blogger Janet said...

obviously he was (is?) an intelligent person at one makes me sad to wonder what happened.


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