Friday, May 05, 2006

"I Saw You"

Thank you Folioweekly for providing the blog fodder.

I Saw You:

STEAMING SHORTY. You: Hot, long, heavy tinted dreads, meow mix eyes, perfect cupful bottom. Me: Tall, handsome, giant, 6'9", black clothes, hair, eyes. Saw you at The Pearl dancing like an airplane. You stole my mind away. Willing to meet you anywhere. "You stole my mind away." Phew. Thank God! That explains it all. Because I'm trying to understand how dancing like an airplane is sexy. And "cupful bottom" makes me think she was wearing a bra on her ass.

BROKEBACK PARTS ROOM. You: Lovable, portly guy in parts room with package tape dispenser. Me: Scruffy guy in shades, cap and cargo shorts. I think you know where to meet me. I think we have compatible parts! That movie has RUINED same sex ads. The only correlation between Brokeback Mountain and this Parts Room is the two gay men in them. Only, the ones in the movie were HOT. If you want a better movie to plug, try "The Birdcage."

CRAZY LOVE. You: Talking to a light pole on 10th and Pearl. Me: Pushing a shopping cart with Porsche license plates. Let's get together at soup kitchen! I'm sorry. The light pole told me I should hold out for the guy with the BMW shopping cart on J. Turner. But I hear the Boom-box karaoke singer on Beach is interested.

Men Seeking Women:

OLD WALRUS. 2006 VW Convertible, 24 hours another world, grown up flower child, long-haired, touchy-feely activist seeking yippy female. This whole ad confuses me. Old Walrus? 24 hours another world? YIPPY female? I think he should have scrapped it all and stuck with "Burned out druggy seeks small dog."

Women Seeking Men:

CLASSIC '48 CADILLAC. White, beautiful green headlights, nice curves, can be taken out of storage by confident, mature driver who has a firm hand on the wheel, for slow drives down shady lanes, with possibility of new garage, only serious drivers considered. Taken out of STORAGE? Jesus lady. You might as well say, "Bring the Windex. Thick layer of dust." Or "Bring grease. Garage door may stick a little." And I know the whole headlights reference was for your eyes, but I can't stop picturing you with sickly green nipples.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: So you're going to the builders tomorrow to look at house plans right?
Hoop: Yup. While I'm there I'm going to ask how much it would cost for them to build a separate game room too.
Tink: I really don't think it's in budget.
Hoop: It couldn't be that much! I just want one room. Well, maybe two. One for arcade games and another for a home movie theatre. And a bar. Plus, we could totally eliminate the need for a fridge if we got a walk-in beer cooler.
Tink: Uh... right.
Hoop: It would probably be a good idea to get a bathroom added on too, so you don't have to walk all the way back into the house. Our neighbors will be knocking on our door all the time, hoping to get invited in. And we'll be like, "Nuh uh. Movie time started at 9. You're late. You'll just have to come back next week." And we could charge a $5 cover at the door for all you can drink beer.
Tink: Whatever Hoop. Just please don't forget to ask about the HOUSE.

DISCLAIMER: Be prepared for strong sexual content in 2.5 seconds. The staff of Pickled Beef cannot be held liable if you continue reading and are appalled, offended, or corrupted. Thank you, that is all.

The Dildo Song: Dedicated to Rude Cactus, who will be the first to hear about all the disturbing search terms this brings me.

What rolls down the stairs?
Alone or in pairs?
And makes a buzzy sound?
It's long. A schlong.
A marvelous dong.
Everyone knows it's Dildo.
What fits in a sock?
Feels better than cock?
And unlike a man, it's slow.
It vibrates a bit.
Feels great on your clit.
Everyone knows it's Dildo.
It's Dildo! It's Dildo!
It's big, it's fleshy, it's ribbed.
It's Dildo! It's Dildo!
Yes, that's right. It's ribbed.
What fits in your crack?
Some even have sacks?
The penis you don't have to blow.
They're not just for gays
They use double A's.
Everyone knows it's Dildo.
What makes you cum?
And fits in your bum?
Some of them even can glow.
A dink. A dink.
In marvelous pink.
Everyone knows it's Dildo.
A long fleshy tube.
Use oil based lube.
Not just for neighborhood Ho's.
For a girl on the go.
With no time for beau.
It makes for a perfect fellow.
They're Dildo. They're Dildo.

Have a great weekend!


At 05 May, 2006, Blogger mrspao said...

I thought the first guy was into cats. Maybe I'm just weird!

At 05 May, 2006, Blogger FA said...

OMG I'm laughing so hard. Coffee burns when it comes out your nose.

Steaming shorty -- all I could think was poop.

Crazy love -- perhaps they should meet at the asylum; and what bums take out a classified ad?

Classic 48 Cadillac -- I'm with you on the green nipples. That was the first thing I thought as well.

At 05 May, 2006, Anonymous J said...

I'm going to have that song stuck in my head the rest of the day now. I can just picture myself standing in a crowded elevator at work, idly humming the "Dildo Song".

At 05 May, 2006, Blogger Newt said...

I'm with J. I'll be humming in the elevator, at my desk, at the copy machine, fax machine, printer.

At 05 May, 2006, Blogger EE said... too. LMAO!

And this
"Burned out druggy seeks small dog."
cracked me up, LOLOLOL

At 05 May, 2006, Anonymous TB said...

"The penis you don't have to blow" is by far the best line of that song. You are awesome.

At 05 May, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

MrsPao: ANYTHING is possible with that lot.

FA: LMAO. Steaming shorty. Oh that's going to be my new favorite term for it.

J, Newt, EE: The great thing is, it's perfectly harmless. If anyone asks, it's the "Slinky" song.

TB: I'd be more awesome if I'd been the one to make it up. I felt so weird asking him how the song went again. He was all too pleased to recite it for me too. :)

At 05 May, 2006, Blogger Rude Cactus said...

Two words - fucking brilliant.

At 05 May, 2006, Blogger Jay said...

The home theater and the game room ARE the house .. everything else is just details.

The Dildo song is the funniest thing I've seen in a long time. I'm going to sing it all weekend. Think I could find it on iTunes?

After the brokeback personal.....
Tink to Folio "I wish I could quit you!"

At 05 May, 2006, Blogger mama_tulip said...

"Let's get together at soup kitchen!"

I just peed a little.

At 05 May, 2006, Blogger Odd Mix said...

Green nipples. ::snort::

At 05 May, 2006, Blogger Cheryl said...

I'm speechless. Totally speechless. Caught between disbelief, disgust and laughing my A** off!

At 05 May, 2006, Blogger Mrs. Harridan said...

Why do older people always use the car metaphor? Oy.

Maybe you could talk Hoop into a Beermeister - fresh beer on tap, all the time! My brother has one and he loves it more than his wife, I think.

Is that the same dildo song your male coworker sang to you? If so, I think you could retire on your settlement from that lawsuit. Then you could afford THREE game rooms. ;)

At 05 May, 2006, Blogger Foo said...

Oo'er! [shocked smiley would have gone here, if images were @*&! allowed]

In the words of... one of Meg Ryan's characters in Joe Versus The Volcano, "I have no response to that."

I thought I had one for the whole '48 Caddy thing, but you went the same place I did with the green headlights.

Get. Out. Of. My. Head.

WV: "twxedcq" Where you learn about crunchy confections coated in chocolate and car-a-mel. Via ham radio (if you get this last bit, check yourself into Nerds Anonymous).

At 05 May, 2006, Blogger Peevish said...


Must Remember Not To Be Drinking Liquid While Reading Tink's Posts.

At 06 May, 2006, Blogger Jess Riley said...

First, this is hilarious. I am drawn back to the "You: talking to a light pole on 10th and Pearl. Me: Pushing a shopping car with Porsche license plates." Oh my. There are no words.

Second, I too have the dildo song in my head now.

Thank you, Tink. :)

At 07 May, 2006, Blogger eric said...

on brokeback mountain ... i loved the movie ... but why brokeback? what is it about that that makes it open for ridicule?

not to mention "ennis del mar, you whoreson sonofabitch, i wish i knew how to quit you!"


At 07 May, 2006, Anonymous sweatpantsmom said...

Are these for real?

'Meow mix eyes.' That is the worst line I've ever heard. Ever.

At 07 May, 2006, Blogger Jay said...

Feels better than cock? What?!?!

I can't get the image of green boobies out of my head now.

At 07 May, 2006, Blogger Chris said...

Sickly green nipples - that's exactly what I thought.

Ye gads, I hope these people all failed their composition classes. Yowza.


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