"I Saw You"

Thank you Folioweekly for providing the blog fodder.

I Saw You:

STEAMING SHORTY. You: Hot, long, heavy tinted dreads, meow mix eyes, perfect cupful bottom. Me: Tall, handsome, giant, 6'9", black clothes, hair, eyes. Saw you at The Pearl dancing like an airplane. You stole my mind away. Willing to meet you anywhere. "You stole my mind away." Phew. Thank God! That explains it all. Because I'm trying to understand how dancing like an airplane is sexy. And "cupful bottom" makes me think she was wearing a bra on her ass.

BROKEBACK PARTS ROOM. You: Lovable, portly guy in parts room with package tape dispenser. Me: Scruffy guy in shades, cap and cargo shorts. I think you know where to meet me. I think we have compatible parts! That movie has RUINED same sex ads. The only correlation between Brokeback Mountain and this Parts Room is the two gay men in them. Only, the ones in the movie were HOT. If you want a better movie to plug, try "The Birdcage."

CRAZY LOVE. You: Talking to a light pole on 10th and Pearl. Me: Pushing a shopping cart with Porsche license plates. Let's get together at soup kitchen! I'm sorry. The light pole told me I should hold out for the guy with the BMW shopping cart on J. Turner. But I hear the Boom-box karaoke singer on Beach is interested.

Men Seeking Women:

OLD WALRUS. 2006 VW Convertible, 24 hours another world, grown up flower child, long-haired, touchy-feely activist seeking yippy female. This whole ad confuses me. Old Walrus? 24 hours another world? YIPPY female? I think he should have scrapped it all and stuck with "Burned out druggy seeks small dog."

Women Seeking Men:

CLASSIC '48 CADILLAC. White, beautiful green headlights, nice curves, can be taken out of storage by confident, mature driver who has a firm hand on the wheel, for slow drives down shady lanes, with possibility of new garage, only serious drivers considered. Taken out of STORAGE? Jesus lady. You might as well say, "Bring the Windex. Thick layer of dust." Or "Bring grease. Garage door may stick a little." And I know the whole headlights reference was for your eyes, but I can't stop picturing you with sickly green nipples.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: So you're going to the builders tomorrow to look at house plans right?
Hoop: Yup. While I'm there I'm going to ask how much it would cost for them to build a separate game room too.
Tink: I really don't think it's in budget.
Hoop: It couldn't be that much! I just want one room. Well, maybe two. One for arcade games and another for a home movie theatre. And a bar. Plus, we could totally eliminate the need for a fridge if we got a walk-in beer cooler.
Tink: Uh... right.
Hoop: It would probably be a good idea to get a bathroom added on too, so you don't have to walk all the way back into the house. Our neighbors will be knocking on our door all the time, hoping to get invited in. And we'll be like, "Nuh uh. Movie time started at 9. You're late. You'll just have to come back next week." And we could charge a $5 cover at the door for all you can drink beer.
Tink: Whatever Hoop. Just please don't forget to ask about the HOUSE.

DISCLAIMER: Be prepared for strong sexual content in 2.5 seconds. The staff of Pickled Beef cannot be held liable if you continue reading and are appalled, offended, or corrupted. Thank you, that is all.

The Dildo Song: Dedicated to Rude Cactus, who will be the first to hear about all the disturbing search terms this brings me.

What rolls down the stairs?
Alone or in pairs?
And makes a buzzy sound?
It's long. A schlong.
A marvelous dong.
Everyone knows it's Dildo.
What fits in a sock?
Feels better than cock?
And unlike a man, it's slow.
It vibrates a bit.
Feels great on your clit.
Everyone knows it's Dildo.
It's Dildo! It's Dildo!
It's big, it's fleshy, it's ribbed.
It's Dildo! It's Dildo!
Yes, that's right. It's ribbed.
What fits in your crack?
Some even have sacks?
The penis you don't have to blow.
They're not just for gays
They use double A's.
Everyone knows it's Dildo.
What makes you cum?
And fits in your bum?
Some of them even can glow.
A dink. A dink.
In marvelous pink.
Everyone knows it's Dildo.
A long fleshy tube.
Use oil based lube.
Not just for neighborhood Ho's.
For a girl on the go.
With no time for beau.
It makes for a perfect fellow.
They're Dildo. They're Dildo.

Have a great weekend!