I DRINK Hurricanes
A while back I decided to give up watching the news. It's too depressing. Hoop won't listen to Fiona Apple songs for the same reason. He calls it, "wrist slitting music." And for the most part I haven't missed hearing about the daily murders in Jacksonville, or the traffic accidents on Spaghetti Junction. CNN has the "Personal Crime Risk" of Jacksonville posted at 281%. Isn't anything over 100 a little extravagant?
Every once in awhile NOT watching the news has bitten me in the ass. Like now... Evidently there's a Tropical Storm named Ernesto making a visit on Thursday. I was totally oblivious. This mug shot was taken on his way out of Cuba.
Ernesto. Pfft. Not exactly the kind of name that strikes fear in the hearts of men. They should start adding descriptions at the end for emphasis. Like, "Ernesto the Shit-Kicker" or "Ernesto the Home-Wrecker." Those might make me get out the plywood and nails. For now my provisions list will remain:
1. Batteries for flashlight What flashlight?
2. Batteries for vibrator Check
3. Food There might be some cans of ravioli in the cabinet.
4. Drinks Beer is very important. Pick up 24 pack on the way home.
5. Ice The beer wont have time to get warm.
6. Clean Clothes If the power goes out it's going to be too damn hot to wear clothes.
7. Clean WORK Clothes If the power goes out I'm sure not going to work either.
8. A deck of cards Of course. Although no strip poker. Remember? No clothes.
There's something funny about Floridians' memories. It's akin to a pregnant woman's. Please, no hate mail until I finish. A pregnant woman has her baby, and it hurts like hell. Hurts so much she might even vow never to do it again. But usually she does. She forgets, and for good reason. The baby outweighs the temporary cost. Floridians are like that with Hurricanes. The storms blow through, the power goes out for weeks, it's hot, there's a shortage of food/gas/ice, offices close down and sometimes there's serious structural and road damage.
Yet we stay.
"Who could give up sunshine and beaches?!"
"At least we can predict them."
"I don't fear Hurricanes. I drink them!"
And chances are we'll act nonchalant about the next one too.
In 2004 it took three huge storms and all of the above problems for me to finally put plywood over my front window. I spray painted it with the words, "1-Charley. 2-Frances. 3-Ivan. 4-SALE!" The next year I laughed about it. I told people how safe we were when storms grazed by, too close for comfort. And thankfully none hit. This morning I rolled my eyes at the mention of Ernesto. "He's just a Tropical Storm. It's too late in the year for a major Hurricane." And then I found articles on 2004's Frances and Jeanne. They came through in early to mid September.
Huh. I guess I shouldn't be so cocky.
Daily Hoop Conversation:
(While walking down town)
Hoop: Stupid whistle.
Tink: What?
Hoop: My nostril has been whistling for two weeks.
Tink: I don't hear anything.
Hoop: *Puts nose up to Tink's ear* Hear it now?
Tink: Sounds like a regular nose. How's mine sound? *Puts nose up to Hoop's ear*
Hoop: It's not nearly as bad as mine *Puts nose up to Tink's ear*
Tink: *Looks around* People are going to think we're not normal.
Hoop: I'm NOT normal. My nostril is whistling!
Hoop's got an interview today at 2! Think happy thoughts for us.
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17 comments
17 Comments:
Stay safe! And well lubricated, of course. :)
I wondered what you were thinking about Ernesto. I drank Hurricanes once too, at Pat O'Briens. God, what a hangover. It looks like blood coming up. Good luck to Hoop!
There have been "Ernestos" coming out of Cuba towards Florida for years. What's the big deal?
Could Hoop and his whistling nostril get on Letterman's stupid human tricks? You guys' would get a free trip to New York.
Oh and "He's just a Tropical Storm. It's too late in the year for a major Hurricane."
Hirricane Katrina hit New Orleans one year ago today. .. just sayin'
Beer is of course the most important provision one can have in times of emergency. It has many uses:
1. Clean wounds - not that you'd want to waste it or anything but they alcohol content may be great enough to sanitize a cut.
2. Make a raft - cans float right? Tie a few hundred together and get going...and take your beer with you at the same time.
3. Situation neutralizer - with someone who's freaking out? Neutralize them or yourself, the choice is yours.
I'm sure they're are many more but don't forget the chips either. :)
Good luck on the job interview Hoop!! We're rooting for you.
Oh, and please notice I'm not the last to comment this time. LOL!
I have always wondered what the draw is to live in places that get hit by hurricanes...and then winter hits here and I realize what exactly the draw is.
STAY SAFE!!!
Katherine: Lubricant! I knew I forgot something on the list.
Mamalujo1: Mmmm, puking up a substance that looks like blood. Almost sounds better than when I threw up green beer.
Jay: I don't think we could get on Letterman unless he could hold a tune. I'll check on that tonight though. hehe
FA: YAY! You're not the last commenter today FA. And I love your beer justifications. Although I don't think a 24pk will be enough beer for a raft. Perhaps I should buy a case or two more...
Mama T: "I have always wondered what the draw is to live in places that get hit by hurricanes" Well it's definitely not the cheap property! All joking aside, I promise we'll be safe.
This is me, thinking happy thoughts! Stay safe, stay warm, stay dry.
Just got a call from Hoop. He said they really really liked him! He's going back on Thursday for a second interview and to spend the day seeing the company.
I'm the same way about the news. Blech...
Maybe you should write Tink's Guide to Hurricane Survival - sounds like a bestseller to me!
You and Hoop crack me up, listening to each other's noses! LOL
We moved to the Florida Keys shortly after Hurricane Andrew and I remember driving through and being in awe of the massive destruction. Within a wk after moving there, a small other hurricane came through the Keys and the particular one we were one (Shark Key, I believe) was *completely covered in water. Something about having to sleep and live on a pool table for over 24hours is a bit freaky. LOL! Scary stuff.
Stay safe Tink!
I'm not worried about Ernesto either. It's not going to be strong enough to cause much damage. Maybe some flooding in low lying areas, par for the course around these parts.
See? I sound like a native Floridian already!
Make sure you have extra vibrator batteries just in case though.
PS I hope the interview was a hit!
The Floridians' memories are also like when I get really really drunk and I say "I will never Drink AGAIN!"
Then next weekend...*BAM*...memory lapse.
Be safe
We moved to Pensacola for a year right after George hit. I kept saying that I couldn't understand how people could live here and be so close to the water and what were they thinking? Then we drove around the beaches. Oh. Because it's paradise, that's why!
Be safe. And good luck to Hoop for round 2!
well, be careful anyway. when i lived by the s.c. coast a few years back, tropical storm earl killed a person.
henry rollins once said that we should have tougher names for hurricanes. he suggested the gnarliest one be named "the first four black sabbath albums."
and here i was thinking about a job in jacksonville ...
e+
Tink,
I definitely don't miss the hurricanes. Taping up windows and then taking tape off is no fun. I was never actually hit by them in Jax. And Orlando wasn't a problem. And when I was in Daytona... I was tanked anyway, so who cared ;)
And great about the 2nd interview for Hoop. Yay Hoop!
Now you've got me worried for you ! Stay safe and boarded up and hopefully it will pass you.
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