I DRINK Hurricanes
A while back I decided to give up watching the news. It's too depressing. Hoop won't listen to Fiona Apple songs for the same reason. He calls it, "wrist slitting music." And for the most part I haven't missed hearing about the daily murders in Jacksonville, or the traffic accidents on Spaghetti Junction. CNN has the "Personal Crime Risk" of Jacksonville posted at 281%. Isn't anything over 100 a little extravagant?
Every once in awhile NOT watching the news has bitten me in the ass. Like now... Evidently there's a Tropical Storm named Ernesto making a visit on Thursday. I was totally oblivious. This mug shot was taken on his way out of Cuba.
Ernesto. Pfft. Not exactly the kind of name that strikes fear in the hearts of men. They should start adding descriptions at the end for emphasis. Like, "Ernesto the Shit-Kicker" or "Ernesto the Home-Wrecker." Those might make me get out the plywood and nails. For now my provisions list will remain:
1. Batteries for flashlight What flashlight?
2. Batteries for vibrator Check
3. Food There might be some cans of ravioli in the cabinet.
4. Drinks Beer is very important. Pick up 24 pack on the way home.
5. Ice The beer wont have time to get warm.
6. Clean Clothes If the power goes out it's going to be too damn hot to wear clothes.
7. Clean WORK Clothes If the power goes out I'm sure not going to work either.
8. A deck of cards Of course. Although no strip poker. Remember? No clothes.
There's something funny about Floridians' memories. It's akin to a pregnant woman's. Please, no hate mail until I finish. A pregnant woman has her baby, and it hurts like hell. Hurts so much she might even vow never to do it again. But usually she does. She forgets, and for good reason. The baby outweighs the temporary cost. Floridians are like that with Hurricanes. The storms blow through, the power goes out for weeks, it's hot, there's a shortage of food/gas/ice, offices close down and sometimes there's serious structural and road damage.
Yet we stay.
"Who could give up sunshine and beaches?!"
"At least we can predict them."
"I don't fear Hurricanes. I drink them!"
And chances are we'll act nonchalant about the next one too.
In 2004 it took three huge storms and all of the above problems for me to finally put plywood over my front window. I spray painted it with the words, "1-Charley. 2-Frances. 3-Ivan. 4-SALE!" The next year I laughed about it. I told people how safe we were when storms grazed by, too close for comfort. And thankfully none hit. This morning I rolled my eyes at the mention of Ernesto. "He's just a Tropical Storm. It's too late in the year for a major Hurricane." And then I found articles on 2004's Frances and Jeanne. They came through in early to mid September.
Huh. I guess I shouldn't be so cocky.
Daily Hoop Conversation:
(While walking down town)
Hoop: Stupid whistle.
Hoop: My nostril has been whistling for two weeks.
Tink: I don't hear anything.
Hoop: *Puts nose up to Tink's ear* Hear it now?
Tink: Sounds like a regular nose. How's mine sound? *Puts nose up to Hoop's ear*
Hoop: It's not nearly as bad as mine *Puts nose up to Tink's ear*
Tink: *Looks around* People are going to think we're not normal.
Hoop: I'm NOT normal. My nostril is whistling!
Hoop's got an interview today at 2! Think happy thoughts for us.