Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Irregular

5 Minutes Of Random Thoughts:
Start. A week ago someone made an offer on our house... for 38 grand less than the asking price, and with the stipulation that we'd pay to tear down a tree and install a pool. No shit. This house thing? It's getting old. At this point I'd be willing to TRADE someone houses. My ad would read, "Are you a redneck? Are you looking to get sun on the rest of your body? Got a cute little place out in the country? Trade houses with me and live 15 minutes from the beach with access to more than just a tractor store." I went to the gas station at lunch and met a woman wearing a dirty sundress with no shoes and a mouth full of holes. You know what my first thought was? Where the hell does SHE live? Because it's starting to dawn at me that all the good lots of land are owned by rednecks, passed down through six generations of mud-bogging, frog-leg-eating, wife-beater-wearing country folk. They decorate their yards with broken down cars and grills made out of old beer kegs and have no idea what they have under that mess they call lawn furniture. That's where all the good land in Florida is hiding. End.

August Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. craziest nonsense insane I hope that means I being nominated officially.
2. reality show hoops is pregnant
Is it mine?!
3. "shit out letters"
You are one talented mo'fo!
4. "arabella day" It's June 29th. Mark your calendar.
5. hoophoop weird That's probably the name of the kid he's bearing me.

Not Far From The Tree:
(Driving back from a business dinner while on the phone with my Mom)
Tink: So I'll be over tomorrow night after work.
Mom: Great! You know we'd love to have y-
Tink: -Shoot. Hold on Mom, my boss is flashing me.
Mom: WHAT?!
Tink: With his lights! *Laughing* He's flashing me with his lights.

Around The Water Cooler:
Tink: We went to this beautiful spring on Saturday.
Rep: Were there fish in this spring?
Tink: Uh, I don't know. I didn't see any.
Rep: Because I wouldn't get in if there were fish.
Tink: Oh-kay. Why?
Rep: Fish bite.
Tink: No they don't! They nibble.
Rep: I wont eat fish either.
Tink: Are you really that much of a pussy?
Rep: I figure, if I don't eat them they wont try to eat me.

Days Til Hoop's Back: 9

24 Comments:

At 15 August, 2006, Blogger Jay said...

That was a pretty bitter, but hilarious 5 minutes of random thoughts.

Funny, I was always told that if I flashed female employees I would get fired. I guess the rules are different in Florida.

 
At 15 August, 2006, Blogger Mignon said...

That wasn't an offer. That was more like a butt-f*ck!

You can't tell me you had that convo with your mom then didn't dream about your naked boss.

 
At 15 August, 2006, Blogger Mike Y said...

"If I don't eat them they won't eat me."-- That had me in stitches.

And does everyone have to flash you? LOL!

I wish you all the best with lil hoophoop ;)

And I know what you're talking about with the land. I think that's why I left FL. Lot's a rednecks in Jax. You can always go to St. Augustine. They've got original buyers there ;) Just don't expect to drive above 25. btw, despite growing up in CA, I learned to surf in St. Augustine. Pretty sad, huh?

 
At 15 August, 2006, Blogger Kim: The Mom, The Myth said...

You forgot upholstered furniture. You know you're red if you have a living room suite from a furniture store (as opposed to a patio store) sitting in grass.

 
At 15 August, 2006, Blogger Pamer said...

Fish Bite?? Is that like when a redneck's face looks like a fish, like an over-bite??

We only have Frost Bite up here.

I'd be more worried about little alligators nibbling on my toes than fish.

 
At 15 August, 2006, Blogger Jay said...

With his lights? You expect me to buy that?

 
At 15 August, 2006, Blogger Chelle Y. said...

I am like your nerding co-worker, I do not like fish either, which is one reason why I stay away from lakes!

Hey, I think I saw a few of those houses in N.C when I was there!

 
At 15 August, 2006, Anonymous mamatulip said...

Sorry dude, but I'm LOL that people put an offer in on your place for almost 40K less than asking price and wanted you to install a POOL for them. My god. Gotta love real estate...

And dude, I'm with your co-worker. I hate, hate, HATE swimming in water with fish. *shudder*

 
At 15 August, 2006, Blogger mrspao said...

38 grand less - that's just rude!

 
At 15 August, 2006, Blogger Betty said...

38 grand less? They don't want to buy your house. They're just "tire kickers".

 
At 15 August, 2006, Blogger graymama said...

Tink: -Shoot. Hold on Mom, my boss is flashing me.

ROTFL! My mom would have reacted the same way

If Hoop can have your baby, can he teach other men how, so women don't have to.

 
At 15 August, 2006, Blogger Chris said...

"My boss is flashing me." *choke* I hope you take legal action!

 
At 15 August, 2006, Blogger EE said...

I got a good giggle out of 'my boss is flashing me' too. Funny stuff.

And your random thoughts...girl, you offered me to come stay w/ you, but ummm, are you SURE you don't want to come HERE instead, lol. No rednecks quite like you guys have out there. Promise. ;)

 
At 15 August, 2006, Blogger F&W said...

"I went to the gas station at lunch and met a woman wearing a dirty sundress with no shoes and a mouth full of holes. You know what my first thought was? Where the hell does SHE live? Because it's starting to dawn at me that all the good lots of land are owned by rednecks, passed down through six generations of mud-bogging, frog-leg-eating, wife-beater-wearing country folk." Um...Tink? You just described Britney Spears and Kevin Federline to a T. Are you sure it wasn't them you saw?

House stuff does suck. Sorry it's not going as planned. I like to think that just means the Universe has something really cool in store for you and it's just not ready yet.

 
At 16 August, 2006, Blogger Mary said...

PEople in Oregon like to walk around barefoot. As I was entering the hospital today, I saw a family there to visit someone. The mom and dad SEEMED normal, but had 2 kids with them, one about up to my shoulder, and the other almost as tall as me and they were BAREFOOT.

At a hospital. almost teenagers. BAREFOOT. Ugh.

I hope you can find a buyer for your hosue soon, plus the perfect house to move in to!!!

 
At 16 August, 2006, Blogger Freakazojd said...

38 grand below?! They can't be serious...I don't blame you for being mad. That offer's beyond stupid - it's insulting. Then again, I don't know what your house looks like. If it's a 3-room shack with an outhouse, then maybe a $38-grand reduction is in order, haha! Then again, who wants a 3-room shack with an outhouse and a pool? ...Oh wait...

I agree with you r/e the fish: they definitely nibble. They like toes. It tickles.

 
At 16 August, 2006, Blogger Katherine said...

OH god, the house part of your post just had me howling. Got hooked with the "frog-leg-eating wife-beating..."

 
At 16 August, 2006, Blogger Foo said...

Search term #3: Just look at how much the letters OWWWWWWWWWW resemble a saw blade. <KARL>Mmm-hmm.</KARL>

 
At 16 August, 2006, Anonymous OddMix said...

The last conversatin war too funny. What an idiot.

 
At 16 August, 2006, Anonymous OddMix said...

I suck at typing today.

 
At 16 August, 2006, Blogger Rude Cactus said...

Shit out letters? Kinda gives "your body is trying to tell you something" a whole new meaning.

 
At 16 August, 2006, Anonymous wordgirl said...

Wait, wait, wait...back the HELL up a minute. They wanted you to build a pool BEFORE they would buy the house??
Bastards!

 
At 17 August, 2006, Blogger mE said...

HA. Accept the offer, and leave an inflatable wading pool half-buried in the back yard. Maybe with a half-blind sealion in it...

 
At 22 August, 2006, Blogger FA said...

The sad but true fact is that most large land tracts are owned by rednecks. Just like you said, passed down from generation to generation. The even sadder fact is they usually want a mint for it, yard cars, buried trash, old tractor implements, decrepit trailers and all.

 

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