Clam Bake

Thanks to The Stranger, Seattle's version of our Folioweekly, for providing the blog fodder.

I Saw You:

GARY TO PIGPEN. I owe you an apology from '98, and I have something for you. Is it a gun? Because with a name like Pigpen...

YOU STOLE MY PURSE... I should have asked for your number but felt dumb in front of your Dad. I really hope to run into you again, minus the theft of course. I can't remember the date, but it was a Tuesday I think. You should have let him keep your wallet. Maybe then he would have used the address on your ID to STALK you and you wouldn't have to worry about it.

Women Seeking Men:

INTELLIGENT, CURVY, LOVES SEX. Looking for a sexual relationship with someone who doesn't suck. If you're an idiot, I don't want you. If you're attractive, funny and like a big ass then I'm your lady. Huh. I would have thought "sucking" would be a good thing.

CHILD POET NYMPH. I am 21 years old. I am into fairies, elves, and dressing up like a little girlish/boyish doll. I am looking for daddy between 36 to 50 to take care of me. A fairy and boyish dolls? The man you're looking for is Jackson. First name Michael.

Men Seeking Men:

GOOD LOOKING GUY WORSHIPS FEET. Seeking aggressive, arrogant man who likes forcing a masculine guy to sniff/lick his smell feet and pits. Invite me to your next football party! Bigger, smellier feet are better. That's just WRONG dude.

Swingers:

SUPERHEROS SEEK ALFRED. Wanted, part time bat cave manager. Want to come home after a hard day of slaying supervillians to a clean house and a sub at my feet. Must understand our desires and pull all your resources into making it happen. References required. So... You want a slave. I bet you get tons of calls for that position.

TURNING 50- NEED FUN. My 50th birthday. I would like to watch my beautiful wife, with the most gorgeous breasts, getting gang banged. Don't expect to be winning the "Husband Of The Year" award anytime soon bub.

Shout Out: My Mom used to say that sometimes the only way to get an answer is to project the question out into the universe and hope it comes back with a resolution. As it turns out, the internet will do in a pinch. Thank you FA for solving my Horse Earmuff problem! Anyone else have a question they'd like to throw out into the Cosmos?

Today's Spam Mail:
Regrettably Common-law Wife from Solly Bass
You don't think these things are prophetic or anything, do you? Like tea leaves? "Oh magic Spam mail, send me an email on what will make me rich!"

Hoop Quotes Of The Day:
1. "I read what you said about my orange shirt."
(Thanks for throwing me under the bus on that one Alien! You might be receiving a shirt in the mail.)
2. "How do they know you didn't just make me up?"

I'll try to get some DOT out by tomorrow. Thank you all for the wonderful comments you left in yesterday's post! Although I'll probably have to start doing some ego deflation to Hoop if you continue.