Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Mike-y Liked It!

So why didn't I?

"Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest," an essay.
Tink Erbelle
Composition For Dummies 101

Keira Knightley's overbite drives me insane. You can think me shallow, but it wasn't as prominent in the first movie. Although to be honest her head didn't look as huge in the first movie either. I guess that's what happens when the rest of you is a walking skeleton. I was also unimpressed with her acting, which annoyed me so much I couldn't fully involve myself in the movie. Instead I sat there wondering, "Maybe she's hungry? She's totally eyeballing that parrot."

Did anyone else notice how much of a hussy Elizabeth has become? She dumps her fiance in the first to be with Will. Then she practically throws herself at Jack in the second. Who's next, Davy Jones? Why doesn't she just add insult to injury and go for Will's dad? What happened to Disney making movies with morals? Oh wait...

Lion King- Uncle tries to kill off brother and nephew.
Bambi- hunters shoot Mamma deer.
Dumbo- little elephant gets teased for birth defect.

My biggest beef (pickled beef to be exact) with POTC was that everything I loved from the first movie was erased with the second. There was absolutely no chemistry between Will and Elizabeth. I thought Will's reaction to "the kiss" in the end was pathetic. Hoop would have beat the other dude's ass. Speaking of ass, could Will possibly get anymore up Jack's? I used to have a crush on Orlando Bloom. I think it was the Elf ears. *Purrrrr* If you had told me a month ago that I would get bored seeing him on the big screen for two and a half hours I would have said you were mad.

One of the only things I liked about the movie was Jack (Johnny Depp) himself. The character followed suit with everything I loved from the first, and I thought Johnny was as charming and versatile as ever. The graphics for Davy Jones and his crew were remarkable, although the Kraken left a little to be desired. There were scenes where I was reminded of those old Godzilla movies, minus the Japanese to English dubbing. Bill Nighy (Davy Jones) and Naomie Harris (Tia Dalma) were equally impressive. I still want to know what the hell was wrong with her mouth though. It looked like she'd been eating Smurfs.

The movie probably isn't as horrible as I'm making it out to sound. But I'd much rather dash your high expectations so you're satisfied when you see it, than have you as disappointed as Hoop and I felt when we left. Hoop's so mad he wants to write a blog about it. Of course I encourage it, because who wouldn't want to see Hoop write a blog?

"I Survived My Family Vacation":
When my littlest brother was much younger, people said he was going to grow up as either a Policeman or a Crook. He's a mixture of everything and their opposites. He's loving and selfish, lazy and creative, evasive and courageous. It's a little difficult to take sometimes, but we love him so much. What I didn't realize is that not everyone in our family "likes" him.

My grandmother is dealing with a lot of difficult transitions. Lately her life has been consumed with surgeries, my grandfather going senile, her friends dying, moving, or replacing her. She's scared, and it's made her a little bitter. During our vacation she took to picking on Lil Bit, the person with the least amount of self esteem. I later called it, "an abuse of her adult power." What little kid could fight back against the bullying of an adult family member?

Of course this brought on fights with my Mom, verbal ones in public places. On the last morning of our stay my grandmother took to screaming and carrying on in the hotel restaurant. She was unstoppable. My Mom took refuge in our room. Papa Bear, always the reactionary one, made us kids go down to sit with our grandparents. But when we arrived they'd already left. I told the kids they could go back up to the room and Papa Bear told them to stay.

There are a few things you should know before I continue. Papa Bear is a retired Navy Seal. He's a very large man. He's also not used to people picking fights with him. But I'm not used to people shaking my little brother either. What started out as a conversation outside quickly escalated to my step dad overreacting and treating Lil Bit like a full size adult. I didn't appreciate it. When I tried to break them up I was quickly shoved to the side. Something snapped. My maternal instinct went in over-drive.

I don't think I've ever beat on someone like I did that day. I don't ever think I've screamed such vile things at someone either. I would have stopped if he'd just let Lil' Bit go. But it continued... long after he'd thrown me on the ground between the two hotel doors, leaning on them so I couldn't get back out. It didn't end until I screamed at a hotel employee, amid 40 other guests, to call my Mom. That's how my trip ended. I still have bruises.
I'm not sorry. We haven't talked about it since.

So... Yeah. I don't think I'll be taking another family vacation for awhile.

At least not with MY family.

Have I mentioned I have a week trip planned with Hoop's family in August? Oy.


At 18 July, 2006, Blogger Jay said...

Ok, I'm not going on vacation with your family either. I'm sorry it all turned out that. But, I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and your brother. You did the right thing.

At 18 July, 2006, Anonymous TB said...

Good god that sounds awful. I am so sorry but so in admiration of you for what you did to defend your brother. Amazing.

And yes I would love to read a Hoop blog.

At 18 July, 2006, Blogger Newt said...

Way to go Tink! I agree with Jay, very proud of you for standing up to the parental unit.

I went into POTC having heard the rumor that the CGI was a mix of jaw dropping amazing and cheesy. So I wasn't surprised by some of the bad shots. I guess I am so fixated on J.D. that I don't really notice the rest of the movie. You're review is actually pretty fair. One of the newpaper reviews I caught said that JD's act was getting old but I disagree with that. I think he played the part perfectly. As you so eloquently pointed out. Grant you the idea of Capt. Jack is not new but he plays him to such perfection that what succeeds is that fact that we are on yet another adventure with him. And I love the line about eating smurfs. You nailed that one! By the way if anyone left during the credits they ran a scene at the end with the dog sitting in village leader's chair with a bone in his mouth. It was priceless.
Tink, will you go see POTC 3?

At 18 July, 2006, Blogger Odd Mix said...

Yep, Jay nailed it. Only I don't think I even want to go to the local McDonald's - much less on vacation. The ravages of age can wreak such havvock on a family.

I would like to point something out that you have probably already realized. I have seen pictures of PoppaBear, and while I am not condoning PoppaBear's actions at all, as a large, former SeAL he was capable of hurting you and your brother very badly if his self control had slipped at all. He didn't. Even under what he probably felt was an unprovoked, all out attack, he sought to immobilze, not incapacitate, you. Anyway - I hope you are able to talk through it eventually.

And thanks for the movie review!

At 18 July, 2006, Blogger mamalujo1 said...

Gosh Tink, sounds pretty rough. Kudos for being there for Li'l Bit. Take care of yourself.

At 18 July, 2006, Blogger F&W said...

I don't know what to say, Tink, other than I'm sorry that the trip you were so looking forward to was coloured with things unexpected and unwelcomed. Thanks for standing up for Lil Bit. He will never forget that.

As for POTC, thanks for the review. I think I'll wait for the DVD. ;o)

One more thing...I would totally read a Hoop blog. Which, if said really fast, sounds like Hooplag! (as in hoopla...I'm the only one who finds that funny, right?) *sigh*

At 18 July, 2006, Blogger Mike Y said...

Tink, what can I say? I feel so honored.

I agree, Johnny Depp was awesome in it. It just about made up for that nightmarish performance as Wonka.

And, I've got to also admit that I'm not all that impressed with Orlando Bloom. He was a cool elf. But since then??? Perhaps it's just the difference in chromosomes, but I cannot understand why so many women (including my wife) think he's a catch. Personally, I think he'd make a better looking girl, given the fact he really has no build as a dude.

Now, as far as Keira is concerned... She made me wanna be a pirate :) I don't really know what else to say without getting myself into trouble. I guess it's the eyes.

With respect to the family festivities... wow! It's too bad and I'm glad you guys haven't discussed it since. Sometimes those things happen. Love to swap some stories with Papa Bear, though. Still trying to raise our son to be a frogman too.

But getting back to the story, we had an incident like that, perhaps a year ago. We were coming back from a nice dinner out in SF, when my BIL started mouthing off and patronizing me. I didn't really appreciate it. Oh, I had asked him to drive our truck since I had had a margarita with supper. Yes, I am a light-weight these days as I only drink once to twice a year.

Anyway, I asked him to pull over. My intention was to change seats with him, let Chelle sit next to me and he could sit in the back with his wife. Rather than support that, he really lauched a full on verbal assault. So... I turned from my passenger seat and decked him. I tried to get in a few more shots, but I think I had his wife's finger in my eye while her other hand was busy ripping one of my ears off.

Honestly, she put up a much better fight than him.

Unlike your incident, I didn't let the evening go by before apologizing to him. I'm not good with the mouthy types, but it's not a good enough reason to fight these days. I stopped the brawling when I left the Navy in '92. It took him a few days to simmer down, but we made up. I hope your family members can do the same and you can feel safe to do another family adventure. And good luck with Hoop's family. They aren't looking forward to being abducted and anal probed are they? It sounds like a lot of fun if you were living back in Roman days. But now??? I don't think so.

Thanks again for sharing this and for elaborating on both the movie and the vacation. Oh, and good luck getting Hoop into that pink cowboy hat. I think we're still struggling to come up with another good dare for this year. Someone mentioned something about a pig, but I'd be afraid of getting mistaken for dinner.

Take care,


At 18 July, 2006, Blogger Jess Riley said...

Excellent essay about POTC; I concur 100%.

And I'm so sorry to hear your family vacation turned out like that! How awful. *hugs*

At 18 July, 2006, Blogger Betty said...

Tink I'm sorry your vacation turned out the way it did. But, I'm glad you feel so protective about your brother. I'm so impressed that you were able to "let it all hang out" in public. This little old uptight southern lady would have had trouble doing that. :)

At 18 July, 2006, Blogger Pixie LaRouge said...

If someone shook either of my sisters, I'd beat them. I don't care how large the shaker was, I'd still beat them. So go you. And, yeah, I don't recommend any more family vacations any time soon...

Haven't seen POTC yet. Might wait for the dvd, after your review and several others I've heard from people that I trust. On KK, pesimst says he'd find her really attractive if she'd eat bacon-cheeseburgers every day for six months...
As for Orlando, well, I like looking at him. But who really gives a damn when there's a Johnny Depp to stare at, instead!

ps, the word verification reads "tnquhdin" Fun to say aloud...

At 18 July, 2006, Blogger Arabella said...

So sorry about the end of your vacation! You're a really good sister, though.

I think a Hoop blog would be great!

At 18 July, 2006, Anonymous mamatulip said...

Tink, I'm really sorry that happened on your vacation. I have to agree with the other commenters who said they're proud of you for sticking up for your brother. You did the right thing, in my opinion.


At 18 July, 2006, Blogger Chelle Y. said...

Okay, okay, I am one of the weird ones who enjoyed POTC. I know, I know, I am a nerd, but I laughed. And, Mike, you laughed too! Admit it, you really want to be a pirate! No, you want to be Kiera? Hahaha!

Anyway, I am sorry to hear about your fight, but I am happy you stood up for your little brother. I would have done the same. I am pretty tiny, but I would do everything I could to protect my family.

You know, that "fight" that Mike wrote about in the comments? Well, as Kimmy was hitting Mike, I was hitting Wes. Haha! Yeah, that is something I do not want to repeat for a long time!

At 18 July, 2006, Blogger geenalyn said...

Tink...like others have said before i'm super proud of how you stood up for your brother...that takes a great person with a lot of character...

At 19 July, 2006, Blogger Rude Cactus said...

But...but...Keira Knightly is hot. Overbite or not. Isn't that enough to make it a good film right there? Okay, perhaps not to you.

At 19 July, 2006, Blogger EE said...

Keira Knightly.....***swoon*** that chick is HOT HOT HOT...overbite and all, LOL! I can't wait to see the movie to see who I agree w/ more. :)

Sorry about the vacation drama, I agree w/ the others, you did the right thing Tink, ((you)).

At 19 July, 2006, Blogger mE said...

Ummmm... I'm starting to appreciate the advantages of my family's "If I'm mad at you, you cease to exist" policy.

It may solve little, and cause festering pockets of emotional puss that last a lifetime, but at least we still have places where we're welcome to go in order to avoid each other!

Yeegads, poor Tink... you need a 'comfort treat'. Something a little more Real and Sustaining than Orlando Bloom.

Tell Hoop to cover himself in Dark Chocolate, that might help...

At 19 July, 2006, Blogger mE said...

Oops... The Cat demands a public apology. That's 'pus', not 'puss'.

(I maintain that festering pockets of puss would be even more traumatic, but she says if I don't apologize, she's going to leave a present on my pillow...)

At 20 July, 2006, Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

Bummer about that. You are cool for sticking up for your bro. And you almost kicked a Navy Seals ass.

At 20 July, 2006, Blogger Heather said...

Wow!! I'm sorry to hear your trip was so crappy!!

At 20 July, 2006, Blogger eric said...

wow. sounds like you disliked it more than i did (i sucked my teeth audibly when the credits rolled).

of course, it must be said that i only saw it because the theater didn't have a showtime for nacho libre it listed so i got a free ticket to POTC.

my interpretation was that she was manipulating jack sparrow, particularly with the last ninja fuck-you-over-hard move.

her overbite didn't bother me. it was more the unnecessary seriousness.

orlando bloom, so my wife tells me, ruined whatever capital he gained as a heroic heartthrob in LOTR when he played that douchebag in "Troy" and got his brother Hector into a whole heapa' trouble.

johnny depp is always good ... if he's in the right movie. this works for him.

the biggest problem i had with this thing is that it was so long and so little sense. perhaps cut an hour out of it and make the plot developments more sensible. i like long dorky movies, but this just seemed schizophrenic.

anyway ... thanks for the review.

and go see superman returns!


At 20 July, 2006, Blogger eric said...

blood is thicker than water, but blood is only as thick as blood.

you have to make tough decisions sometimes. some of us in families are considered the only "reasonable" ones. i'm told that's me.

it forces decisions and picking sides. you just have to do what's right.

i don't think anyone hurting a child or a woman half their size or more is acceptable no matter relation. it shouldn't be swept under the rug like so many dysfunctional families i know like to do.



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