Thursday, October 26, 2006

Homeless For The Holidays

Yesterday, after everything had been straightened out with my Realtor and the contract had been signed, I was notified that there was an inspector at my house. I've been well informed of what an inspection entails. I just thought I'd get more notice. I couldn't help the overwhelming feeling of panic and anger that came over me. For lack of a better description, I felt violated.

The night before I had woken up to the tell tale sound of a dog gagging. For a split second I weighed the option of throwing Duff off the bed and onto the floor. "But then I'll have to clean the carpet." So I let him puke all over us. What I didn't know was that he'd eaten massive amounts of shit (literally) before we'd gone to bed. As I rolled over to wake Hoop up, I stuck my hand straight into a pile of gritty goo.

After Hoop had crawled out of bed, I got up to turn on the lights. It looked like someone's ass had exploded. I almost started crying. Fortunately I was too tired to drum up anything more than determination. "What are we going to do?" Hoop mumbled sleepily. "Get in the guest bed," I barked while pulling off the ruined sheets. It was 1 o'clock in the morning.

Now let's go back forward to that phone call. The moment my Realtor mentioned the inspection, I instantly thought of those stinky sheets. Part of them were in the wash. The other half was ON the washing machine. I hadn't had time to air out the house either. For three hours I thought of little else. Until lunch rolled around. I called my Realtor in hopes of some news. "Oh yeah. They've postponed it until tomorrow."

Of course they had!

After the 21st of next month, Hoop and I will be homeless. Hopefully we'll find a new house before that happens. For the moment I'm focusing on where to stash our things, and who might be able to take the dogs. How much notice do the utility companies need to get things shut off on time? How far can we go without making the drive to work impossible for both Hoop and I? The list keeps piling up. And yet... I'm anxious, but I'm not overly worried. I have no doubt we'll be OK. It'll be a great adventure. I just hope we're not homeless for Christmas. Because I refuse to go without a tree.

And it would look awfully funny on top of my car.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(While placing an order at McDonalds)
Cashier: You two have the exact same eyes!
Hoop: Uh... Thanks?
(On the way out)
Tink: Hoop?
Hoop: Yes?
Tink: There's something I need to confess.
Hoop: What's that?
Tink: We're... distantly related cousins. *Sigh*
Hoop: Damn it! You know our kids are going to be born with three arms now.
Tink: I know. We're going to spend a fortune in arm removal surgery.
Hoop: And that bothers you more than the incest?
Tink: Well, I DO love you. So as I see it, you're stuck with me now, three-armed kids and all.

Hoop Quote Of The Day:
(While almosts getting sideswiped by another car)
Fuck me up the Donkey ass!

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
(As the dog bounds across the yard)
Hoop: Duff, you're like the Mini Clydesdale to the German Shepard.
Tink: ...
Hoop: ...
Tink: WHAT?
Hoop: I don't know. It sounded smart.

(While at a faculty dinner with Hoop's new company)

Around The Water Cooler:
Hoop: This is my girlfriend Tink.
Coworker: Nice to meet you!
Tink: Good to meet you too.
Coworker: What do you do for a living?
Tink: I work as a Training Coordinator, among other things.
Hoop: That's how we met.
Coworker: Awesome!
Tink: Yeah, I trained him.
Hoop: She taught me how to do my job too.
Tink: *Snort*
Coworker: Huh? *Confused look* Ohhhh. I get it now!

Around The Water Cooler 2:
Coworker: I wish I'd brought my camera.
Tink: I have one!
Coworker: You do? Wow! That's great.
Hoop: She is great. That's why I hired her for the night.
Tink: Yeah, I was the "Come Prepared" package.
Hoop: By the way, what time do I need to get you back?
Coworker: *Blink*

23 Comments:

At 26 October, 2006, Blogger Jess Riley said...

Tink, this post is exactly why I love you. I laughed out loud at your second paragraph, which I felt bad about because I've dealt with regurgitated poop before. But not on that kind of scale.

Also, so sorry about the homeless situation! My fingers are crossed that living arrangements will be made in short order.

 
At 26 October, 2006, Blogger Chelle Y. said...

Yay, the conversations are back!

I always had to clean up the dog puke because Mike had such gag reflex. Poor guy!

The say thing is that they were his dogs too! :)

 
At 26 October, 2006, Blogger mamalujo1 said...

That inspector wouldn't have cared one bit about those sheets, or the smell. Ya worrywart! Where did Duff get "massive" amounts of shit to eat?

Glad to hear you have a contract, and I will think good, closey type thoughts. Hopefully now that your realtor can smell her commission. she will do her job adequately!

You know, I live down the road from a woman whose last name is Anheuser, she's a good friend of my Mom's and she's from St. Louis, and she's rich as heel.

 
At 26 October, 2006, Blogger Newt said...

For us, the worse dog moment was after Max ate an entire 3 pound bag of jerky. Oh man. It was flying out both ends of that dog. And it was completely disgusting. Let's just say we have never had jerky in the house since.

 
At 26 October, 2006, Blogger Chris said...

Man, how come I don't have any coworkers like you two? I just have the kind like *Blink* the Coworker.

 
At 26 October, 2006, Blogger Alien said...

I love Hoop. (happy, happy sigh) LOL!

 
At 26 October, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

Jess: Even though I was thoroughly disgusted, I saw the humor in the situation too... I feed the dog in the morning to avoid midnight potty runs, and he gets so hungry in the evening he eats poop. Evidently poop doesn't digest well, so he pukes it up and I have to get up anyway to clean it. I think I'd rather have the midnight potty runs.

Chelle: Every time Hoop gags I tell him, "What are you going to do when you have kids?!"

Mamalujo: "That inspector wouldn't have cared one bit about those sheets, or the smell." I know it wouldn't have affected his job. I just didn't want to be remembered as the woman whose house smelled like poo.

"Where did Duff get "massive" amounts of shit to eat?" In our backyard buffet.

Newt: Ewww. Im never going to eat another Slim Jim again.

Chris: If it makes you feel any better, I wish we had a coworker like YOU. At least you would get our oddball jokes.

Alien: Who couldn't love that big Mook?

 
At 26 October, 2006, Blogger Mignon said...

I missed the we-got-an-off post, so, well, damn!! I'm very happy for you guys, as this means more healthy visits to the crapper, right? We just lowered the price on ours today, which means little for the health of my colon...

 
At 26 October, 2006, Blogger graymama said...

Thanks so much for the laughs!

I have to admit that I spit out my ginger ale when I read about the shit-puke :-P

Hooray on the house!!!! Don't worry you and Hoop will have a great home and tree for Christmas :-)

Re: DHC #1
All I can hear in my head is "I'm your sister. I'm your sister" mingled with the sound of a pounding headboard.

 
At 26 October, 2006, Blogger Jay said...

Hoops coworker probably went straight home and emialed every he knows to tell them about the crazy weirdos he met at that party. haha

Congrats on selling the house. I was just reading about the huge drop in housing prices over the last month and the high inventories in so many places. Maybe you guys have hit the market at the perfect time to get a good deal on a place!

 
At 26 October, 2006, Anonymous susan said...

I've got to get a job with a water cooler so that I can mess with my coworkers there! Of course, our conversations would be nothing at all like yours...oh well..scratch the water cooler job.

Just think, the inspector would NEVER forget about you!

 
At 26 October, 2006, Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

I just had the inspection done on my house and I felt like I took it right up the....uh, you know. Bend over.

 
At 26 October, 2006, Blogger Lucia said...

Congrats on the sell. At least you don't have to keep cleaning up for people to look at the house. The gagging story gave me a chuckle. Been there. Done that.

 
At 26 October, 2006, Blogger gawilli said...

Glad you have a buyer! Last year we were in the middle of a huge remodeling project for Christmas and didn't think we would have a tree. Shortly after Thanksgiving we received a "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree" in the mail from my daughter. It was about four feet tall with one big red ornament. It held us over until we could bring a real one in the house. I think it will have a permanent home for the holidays now!

You guys will make it! We are all thinking good thoughts for you.

 
At 26 October, 2006, Blogger Mike Y said...

Chelle's right. I totally gag! And I managed to get through the diaper thing. I did my time before Brendan ate solid food ;)

But that exploded ass imagery really got me. I almost yacked all over my laptop.

And I do hope things work out with the sale and with finding a new house.

 
At 26 October, 2006, Blogger Jay said...

That last one is AWESOME.

The last time we gave blood, the lady asked if Jason was my brother, to which I replied "Fuck you."

Apparently I'm a little defensive about incest.

 
At 26 October, 2006, Blogger Jay said...

That last one is AWESOME.

The last time we gave blood, the lady asked if Jason was my brother, to which I replied "Fuck you."

Apparently I'm a little defensive about incest.

 
At 26 October, 2006, Blogger EE said...

Ok.....EWWWWWWWWW......but OMFG, that is so totally something I would have or HAVE done...but minus the shit part. Blech... (((You guys)))

In other news....congrats on the sale of your house! GL finding a new one. :)

 
At 27 October, 2006, Blogger Rude Cactus said...

Its a strong couple who can stick together through three armed kids ;-)

 
At 27 October, 2006, Anonymous wordgirl said...

Good luck finding a house. Maybe you'll do well under pressure now that your house is sold. Poor Duff...I'm sure he was humiliated.

 
At 27 October, 2006, Blogger mrspao said...

Yay - glad to hear you sold it!

 
At 27 October, 2006, Blogger eric said...

how liberating that must be to be compelled to eat your own shit. like licking your own balls.

i don't understand why i can't comment on your weblog from my home computer.

e+

 
At 31 October, 2006, Blogger Arabella said...

Congratulations on the contract!!! And good luck on finding the place of your dreams. :)

 

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