The Queen Mama's Meme: Five Firsts in 50 Words or Less
My First Car: A mint condition powder blue 1985 Plymouth Reliant. It was 15 years old with 21,000 original miles on it. I hated it at first, absolutely loathed the color and boxy shape. But it grew on me. It had bench seats that I would wax before picking up friends. Then I would hit corners just to slide them into the windows. The car was also damn near indestructible. In its lifetime the Reliant was sabotaged, hit, slept in, sat on, smoked out of, and ridden hard. But it always got me from point A to B. I loved that ugly car.
My First Crush: I had a boyfriend in Kindergarten named Stephen. He bought me a ring out of a candy machine, which I promptly lost. He was heartbroken. One day while out on the playground, we found a broken Opal ring out by the fence. He gave it to me when our parents arrived to take us home. As our Mom's were pulling us toward the cars he called out, "---- ----, you better not lose that ring cause it's the LAST one I'm giving you!" I lost it a week later.
My First Word: ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM... And then I popped the bottle back in my mouth and crawled off to rewrite the Constitution for better baby rights everywhere.
My First Pet: I've had numerous cats throughout the years, a few dogs, a Parrot that some kid fed Playdough and killed, some mice that bred themselves to a population of well over 100, 3 turtles, a slew of fish, and a fly on a string. But the first pet that I could actually call mine was a Rat Terrier named Jazzi. I didn't like her when my Mom brought her home. She was whinny, needy, and not the prettiest ball of tub I'd ever seen. But she wanted nothing to do with anyone else. She wanted me. I've had her for over seven years now. She's my living foot warmer, my furry baby, and a partner in crime. I couldn't have asked for a better "accidental" friend.
My First CD: The "Free Willy" soundtrack. No shit. I still have it, although I wouldn't dare listen to it.
Shellular Phones: Last night while walking one of the most tacky discount departments stores I've ever seen, I came across a basket of gigantic ceramic Conch Shells. Without hesitation I grabbed a shell, cupped it over the whole side of my face, and began to talk as if it were a phone. Hoop stared at me with a look I couldn't quite decipher. Suddenly he reached out and grabbed a shell himself. There we stood, two jackasses with huge Conch Shells up to the sides of our heads, talking to each other through them from two feet away. That's what love is my friends. Sharing the same world, even if it is a little nuts and not exactly normal. Even if you're the only two people who understand it. That's love.
Daily Hoop Conversation:
(After watching a commercial for "Male Enhancement")
Hoop: Should I get some of that honey?
Hoop: Come on. You wouldn't like a bigger hammer?
Tink: Again with the hammers?
Hoop: *Nods and smiles*
Tink: Babe, if the hammer gets any bigger the nails are going to run away scared.
Hoop: Are you just saying that?
Tink: No. Now shut up.
Hoop: You're awesome.
Tink: Yeah yeah, whatever.
Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
(While roaming around a department store, Hoop flings a butterfly net over my head)
Hoop: Caught ya!
Hoop: You don't like this do you?
Tink: Not particularly.
Hoop: I can't believe they make net's this big!
Hoop: I mean...I can't believe your head is that small.
Hoop: Shit. I mean... I can't believe they make head shaped nets.