Luke, I am your fodder.
Might I suggest some coffee? A donut? A comfy chair? A lobotomy? Ok, the last one was a trick question. I sold the equipment for that long ago. You're probably going to need at least two of the first three though. Sunday is my birthday and I'm taking Monday off. So this post has got to stretch you through to Tuesday. I promise I'll make it worth it.
One Eye: Last night during class, the girl that reminded me so much of TW asked if I had a "cig" she could bum. Of course I did, being that there's nineteen smokable days left before I make everyone around me's life a living hell with my raging withdrawals. So we sat outside in the courtyard talking. Actually she talked. I was talked at.
TW Lookalike: So my boyfriend doesn't let me drive.
TW Lookalike: In the eleven months we've been together I've only driven twice. He's really on my shit list lately. A roommate and I moved last weekend. I had ordered all this bedroom furniture that I couldn't possibly put together myself so I paid the moving people to assemble it. They were doing such a great job I thought I'd ask if they wouldn't mind setting up all the other furniture in the house too. They agreed as long as we paid them in alcohol. They stayed for five hours putting our house together! So then my boyfriend was mad because I had all these strange men in my house. But I told him, "If you had been here to help, I wouldn't have needed those guys."
Tink: Where was he?
TW Lookalike: I don't know. He disappeared for the weekend. He kept asking, "Want to know what I did this weekend?" I just answered, "No, Asshole. I moved fucking furniture all weekend. The last thing I want to hear is how much fun you had."
Tink: So... Why doesn't he let you drive?
TW Lookalike: Oh, right. Because I multitask. He doesn't understand how I can put on make-up and drive. It scares him. He's always asking, "How can you see?!" I tell him, "I have one eye open! One eyed people can drive can't they?"
Tink: No. No, they can't.
TW Lookalike: For real? Damn. Well I won't tell him that.
Tink: What car do you drive again?
Sucker: On the way home from school I heard an interview with Sean Paul. God, I love his yummy Jamaican accent. I can't understand half the things he says, but who really needs to? There was a moment where I got really confused though. Sean Paul was talking about a local school that a relative of his attended. "He's really good at Sucker." I turned up the volume and leaned in. Sucker? Surely my gutter head was getting the best of me. Nope, there it was again! It wasn't until later that it dawned on me. Sucker. Succer. Soccer. Ahh... Ok.
Karaoke: After school Hoop and I made a run for our favorite hole-in-the-wall coffee bar. It wasn't until we sat down that we realized they were setting up Karaoke equipment. "Well that's a first." Hoop grinned. The people who frequent our coffee house look like they've just broken out of rehab, or prison, or the looney bin. There are people with three foot Mohawks and clothes made out of safety pins. The women paint their makeup on and the guys all look like they're contemplating suicide. They DON'T look like people who would sing Karaoke.
Our first contestant was a bona fide Hippy. A curtain of tangled hair framed his face as he adjusted the mike and cleared his throat. Suddenly, the speakers crackled with the sound of "Friends in Low Places" by Garth Brooks. "No way," Hoop whispered underneath his breath. What came out of the Hippy's mouth was a cross between Kermit the Frog and Adam Sandler, if ever such a thing could be imagined. We laughed until we cried. The guy was brilliant.
The next contestant was a chubby girl with spiky red hair. She jumped up to the mike and yelled out, "Garage sale at blahblahblah street tomorrow. FREE BLACK PUSSY!" Then she sang "Lady Marmalade," never once reading the words off the screen. There were renditions of Snoop Dogg by people who couldn't rap. There was a lively round of "The Time Warp" from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. All in all a crazy and highly entertaining night. Neither Hoop nor I braved the stage. Although I think he secretly wanted to. On the way home he played all the songs he knew the words to. We car danced and sang until we were sore in the throat.
I Saw You:
You: hottie at Planet Smoothie. Sunday, you at Tan USA. Me: Just a customer. Love to get into bed with you, a tanning bed that is! Love the music on your laptop; you can click my mouse anytime! I used to call masturbating for girls, "Double clicking the mouse." Makes this ad take on a whole new meaning eh?
Men Seeking Women:
51, 5'10, 188, Caucasian, graduate, fit, tan. Voted best-looking in Jr. High School Book, how about that! Interests: Cooking, Sports, Racing, Concerts. Letter, pics are nice, same here. Wanna see Michael McDonald's son? 1st. "How bout that?" I think that you are f'n pathetic. You are 51 years old. What the hell does it matter what you were voted in Jr. High School?! 2. I had to Google "Michael McDonald." Impressed? Not really... I'm also not 51 and trying to weasel off my Jr. High title, so maybe I'm missing the boat on this.
Women Seeking Men:
I'm not Barbie. Oh well pookie, you're no Ken! SWF, 51, 5'5", 200, shapely, easy going. I love men! Single, unattached, non-smoker without baggage or bad breath! Must be independent, open-minded, normal, yet adventurous! Can you handle the adjectives? DING! I think we have a match!
Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: I never hear you fart.
Tink: If I could, I'd push one out for you right now.
Hoop: But you do right? I mean, everyone farts.
Tink: Of course I do. I pick my nose too.
Hoop: I think I smelled one once.
Tink: That's nice dear.
Have a fabulous weekend guys!
Labels: Daily Hoop Conversations