Friday, January 27, 2006

Luke, I am your fodder.

Might I suggest some coffee? A donut? A comfy chair? A lobotomy? Ok, the last one was a trick question. I sold the equipment for that long ago. You're probably going to need at least two of the first three though. Sunday is my birthday and I'm taking Monday off. So this post has got to stretch you through to Tuesday. I promise I'll make it worth it.

One Eye: Last night during class, the girl that reminded me so much of TW asked if I had a "cig" she could bum. Of course I did, being that there's nineteen smokable days left before I make everyone around me's life a living hell with my raging withdrawals. So we sat outside in the courtyard talking. Actually she talked. I was talked at.

TW Lookalike: So my boyfriend doesn't let me drive.
Tink: Oh?
TW Lookalike: In the eleven months we've been together I've only driven twice. He's really on my shit list lately. A roommate and I moved last weekend. I had ordered all this bedroom furniture that I couldn't possibly put together myself so I paid the moving people to assemble it. They were doing such a great job I thought I'd ask if they wouldn't mind setting up all the other furniture in the house too. They agreed as long as we paid them in alcohol. They stayed for five hours putting our house together! So then my boyfriend was mad because I had all these strange men in my house. But I told him, "If you had been here to help, I wouldn't have needed those guys."
Tink: Where was he?
TW Lookalike: I don't know. He disappeared for the weekend. He kept asking, "Want to know what I did this weekend?" I just answered, "No, Asshole. I moved fucking furniture all weekend. The last thing I want to hear is how much fun you had."
Tink: So... Why doesn't he let you drive?
TW Lookalike: Oh, right. Because I multitask. He doesn't understand how I can put on make-up and drive. It scares him. He's always asking, "How can you see?!" I tell him, "I have one eye open! One eyed people can drive can't they?"
Tink: No. No, they can't.
TW Lookalike: For real? Damn. Well I won't tell him that.
...
Tink: What car do you drive again?

Sucker: On the way home from school I heard an interview with
Sean Paul. God, I love his yummy Jamaican accent. I can't understand half the things he says, but who really needs to? There was a moment where I got really confused though. Sean Paul was talking about a local school that a relative of his attended. "He's really good at Sucker." I turned up the volume and leaned in. Sucker? Surely my gutter head was getting the best of me. Nope, there it was again! It wasn't until later that it dawned on me. Sucker. Succer. Soccer. Ahh... Ok.

Karaoke: After school Hoop and I made a run for our favorite hole-in-the-wall coffee bar. It wasn't until we sat down that we realized they were setting up Karaoke equipment. "Well that's a first." Hoop grinned. The people who frequent our coffee house look like they've just broken out of rehab, or prison, or the looney bin. There are people with three foot Mohawks and clothes made out of safety pins. The women paint their makeup on and the guys all look like they're contemplating suicide. They DON'T look like people who would sing Karaoke.

Our first contestant was a bona fide Hippy. A curtain of tangled hair framed his face as he adjusted the mike and cleared his throat. Suddenly, the speakers crackled with the sound of "Friends in Low Places" by Garth Brooks. "No way," Hoop whispered underneath his breath. What came out of the Hippy's mouth was a cross between Kermit the Frog and Adam Sandler, if ever such a thing could be imagined. We laughed until we cried. The guy was brilliant.

The next contestant was a chubby girl with spiky red hair. She jumped up to the mike and yelled out, "Garage sale at blahblahblah street tomorrow. FREE BLACK PUSSY!" Then she sang "Lady Marmalade," never once reading the words off the screen. There were renditions of Snoop Dogg by people who couldn't rap. There was a lively round of "The Time Warp" from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. All in all a crazy and highly entertaining night. Neither Hoop nor I braved the stage. Although I think he secretly wanted to. On the way home he played all the songs he knew the words to. We car danced and sang until we were sore in the throat.

I Saw You:
You: hottie at Planet Smoothie. Sunday, you at Tan USA. Me: Just a customer. Love to get into bed with you, a tanning bed that is! Love the music on your laptop; you can click my mouse anytime! I used to call masturbating for girls, "Double clicking the mouse." Makes this ad take on a whole new meaning eh?

Men Seeking Women:
51, 5'10, 188, Caucasian, graduate, fit, tan. Voted best-looking in Jr. High School Book, how about that! Interests: Cooking, Sports, Racing, Concerts. Letter, pics are nice, same here. Wanna see Michael McDonald's son? 1st. "How bout that?" I think that you are f'n pathetic. You are 51 years old. What the hell does it matter what you were voted in Jr. High School?! 2. I had to Google
"Michael McDonald." Impressed? Not really... I'm also not 51 and trying to weasel off my Jr. High title, so maybe I'm missing the boat on this.

Women Seeking Men:
I'm not Barbie. Oh well pookie, you're no Ken! SWF, 51, 5'5", 200, shapely, easy going. I love men! Single, unattached, non-smoker without baggage or bad breath! Must be independent, open-minded, normal, yet adventurous! Can you handle the adjectives? DING! I think we have a match!

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: I never hear you fart.
Tink: If I could, I'd push one out for you right now.
Hoop: But you do right? I mean, everyone farts.
Tink: Of course I do. I pick my nose too.
...
Hoop: I think I smelled one once.
Tink: That's nice dear.


Have a fabulous weekend guys!

Labels:

26 Comments:

At 27 January, 2006, Blogger Arabella said...

I still can't get over these personal ads. "How about that!" he says. Sheesh.

Happy Birthday, Tink!!!

 
At 27 January, 2006, Blogger DH said...

Happy Birthday! Enjoy!

 
At 27 January, 2006, Blogger The Gradual Gardener said...

Kermit the Frog and Adam Sandler? Don't they kind of sound the same anyway?

Happy Birthday!

 
At 27 January, 2006, Blogger mama_tulip said...

WOO HOO! HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL!

Have a great weekend.

And, uh...what kind of car does the TW lookalike drive? Yanno, just in case...

 
At 27 January, 2006, Blogger Chris said...

Happy Birthday!!

Um, yeah, what kinda car was that?!

The karaoke experience sounds priceless!

 
At 27 January, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

Thanks guys!!

Arabella: I know, smug bastard.

DH: Glad to see you on girl!

Gradual Gardener: I'm going to have to do a comparison. Maybe something like the "Pepsi Challenge." Which of these is Kermit and which is Adam?

Mama T and Chris: A Bubba Truck. Which makes it all that much scarier.

 
At 27 January, 2006, Blogger mE said...

Happy Birthday, Youngster! I hope that you and Hoop do something exciting and special - although it's hard to imagine anything more festive and interesting than that karaoke session... (for excitement, remember that conversation with the TW clone when you are driving on the highway).
;D

~Eileen

 
At 27 January, 2006, Anonymous TB said...

Happy birthday Tink! Enjoy your long weekend and watch out for that first personal ad guy, he sounds like he might have body parts in his basement.

 
At 27 January, 2006, Blogger V said...

Thanks for the extra dose! Have a fantastic birthday!!! :)

 
At 27 January, 2006, Blogger mama_tulip said...

Ummmm...what the hell is a Bubba Truck?

 
At 27 January, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

A huge truck, usually driven by rednecks. They usually have huge whip antennas and tires big enough to go mudding in... Or in her case, squashing other vehicles and people in.

Here's a picture of one:
http://studlystevo.tripod.com/Big%20Truck%202.jpg

 
At 27 January, 2006, Blogger mama_tulip said...

LMAO!!!

 
At 27 January, 2006, Blogger wordgirl said...

Those personals and the people who write them...so delusional! Happy Birthday, Tink!

 
At 27 January, 2006, Blogger EE said...

I'm loving "double clicking the mouse" LOL

And karaoke at a coffee house?! That's just odd, LMAO

Happy Birthday :)

 
At 27 January, 2006, Blogger The Queen Mama said...

KARAOKE!!!!!!!

Hubby and I went through quite the Karaoke phase when we still lived in our little hometown and before we had kids. Because there really was nothing else to do.

I would have about three drinks before I could talk myself into gracing the stage, and then my favorite songs were a toss-up between "Jose Cuervo," "Passionate Kisses," and "Something to Talk About." Oh, and once there was a really drunken group sing to "Love Shack." Ahhh...good times. Thanks for bringing back the memory.

And...go ahead and push a loud one out for Hoop. He must get in touch with your flatulent side.

 
At 27 January, 2006, Blogger The Queen Mama said...

Oh...and happy birthday! Have a great time!

 
At 27 January, 2006, Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

Happy Birthday!

You're gonna quit smoking? Congratulations! I'm gonna barricade my house in, well, just in case things happen.

 
At 28 January, 2006, Blogger Mignon said...

Happy Birthday!!

Is that really true about the one-eyed people not being able to drive? Damn! Another reason for them to take away my license!

 
At 28 January, 2006, Blogger Mrs. Harridan said...

TW Lookalike sounds a little insane. My boyfriend would have some 'splaining to do if he was gone the whole weekend while I was moving into a new place. And then he'd be picking his teeth up off my new floor.

Happy Birthday weekend!

 
At 29 January, 2006, Blogger Alien said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TINK! I hope you have a wonderful birthday weekend!

(And you really need to just let some rip in front of Hoop. I used to fart on Steve's head when we first moved in together. When he didn't leave, I knew we were meant to be married. LOL!

 
At 29 January, 2006, Blogger Pixie LaRouge said...

Happy Birthday, Tink!!! Have a wonderful day, and be a princess (tell Hoop to get you a crown)

 
At 29 January, 2006, Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

Happy Birthday!! Have a great weekend - then of course, tell us all about it.

 
At 29 January, 2006, Blogger John said...

Well...I read it all in one sitting. I should have broken it up over the next few days...but that just failed horribly.

 
At 29 January, 2006, Blogger Heather said...

Happy Birthday TINK!! Hope it went great!!

 
At 30 January, 2006, Blogger julie said...

Hi Tink!
Thanks for the giggles! I'll be stopping by frequently (hope my co-workers don't notice I'm giggling when I should be doing something uninspired).

 
At 31 January, 2006, Blogger V said...

Welp, where are yuh? I officially miss reading you now. :(
Birthday hangover?

 

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