Tuesday, January 31, 2006

"Birfday" Weekend

Somewhere in the back of my mind this morning there was a seven year old version of myself kicking and screaming, "I don't wanna go to schoooool!" Taking a day off is both thrilling and depressing. At first you wake up and feel like you should be somewhere. Then you realize that you don't. Then you wonder why the hell you're up so early. Eventually you settle into the idea that you have a day off... A paid day off. I sat on the toilet yesterday morning and thought, "Right this moment they are paying me to take a shit. Jesus, this is the best day EVER!"

Later on that morning I drove to my Mom's for a "Girls' Day." This is always (by far) the best present I could hope for. When my Mom and I team up you can guarantee both of us will end up in tears of laughter by the end of the day. We drove around looking for my present, drinking coffee and unraveling the mysteries of our universe. I thought, "Right now work is paying me to discuss the length of a pig's orgasm." It's speculated to be thirty minutes if you're curious. Although Mom and I seriously question the methods scientists used to prove that.

Inevitably when you play hooky from work, there are going to be points in the day where you suddenly realize that it is indeed a work day for everyone else. Around noon I looked down at my watch and thought, "I'd be having lunch right now. I wonder if my lunch buddy is lonely without me." At three I wondered how much work would be waiting for me. At three o'five I thought, "Who the hell cares?" At five I panicked. "Oh no! My day off is officially over. Where'd it go? I'm not ready to leave!" Because everyone knows, you're no longer on a holiday when the clock rolls around to the time you would normally get off your job.

When the alarm clock sounded this morning, I had the sudden notion that today was my day off. "I'm going to roll over and sleep for thirty more minutes, then I'm going to shower and drive to Moms, then we're-" It suddenly dawned on me. "No!" I flipped the covers off and bolted toward my cell phone. "What's the date?" Once my head cleared, I stood in front of my dresser and pouted. That's when the seven year old came out and threw herself to the floor in a fit of kicking and punching. I thought about calling in sick. And then the seven year old disappeared and the twenty-three year old came out. It sucks being an adult.

Birthday surprises: Sunday morning I woke up to Hoop kissing my face and whispering, "Happy Birfday Baby." I rolled over and promptly gagged on the smell of breakfast. He looked so pleased, I couldn't refuse his sweet gesture. As I sat up in bed, munching on food with a dead tongue, Hoop walked back in carrying a package. His face beamed with pride. I stared at the green plaid wrapping paper and felt my heart swell. "Did you wrap that yourself?!" "Yup. Look, there's even one perfect side."

I tore into the paper and squealed.

It grinds the beans. It can be programmed to turn itself on and off. It shuts itself off after an hour if you forget about it. It's pretty much self cleaning. It's the ultimate lazy person's coffee maker. I'm in love. 300 Brownie Points for Hoop!

Frankenstein: Hoop and I always have strange experiences at the
gas station near our house. A couple nights ago I went in and noticed the male attendant had ductape around his neck. It was just too odd to ignore. "What happened to you?" He pulled his shirt down around one shoulder to show that the ductape extended down his arm as well. "I work construction during the day. A bolt gun got away from me." I quickly paid for my things and then ran back to the car to tell Hoop, who did not believe me. Saturday night on the way home, we debated whether to stop at a gas station along the way or wait until we made it to our usual one.

Hoop: Come on. You know you want to see Frankenstein!
Tink: The sick thing is, I do.
Hoop: I have my camera. Maybe we can snap a picture of him. We can get a picture of his wife if she's working too. It would make for colorful stories.
Tink: No way. YOU take a picture.
Hoop: I would never be able to pull it off.
(Just before entering the gas station)
Hoop: Are you going to do it?
Tink: No... I can't.
Hoop: I knew you wouldn't.
Tink: Oh shut the hell up.

So of course I did it. I strolled up to the counter and calmly lied straight to their country faces. "Today's my birthday. We're going on a mini-adventure and taking pictures of everything. Can I take your picture?" The husband and wife scooted in together and smiled broadly. The wife made Mrs. America waves at the camera. When I finished she gave me a free lotto ticket and he tried to throw down a five, which I politely declined. As we were leaving, Frankenstein called out, "You know, you guys are my favorite customers!"

I felt awful. "Hoop, I'm going to hell for this one." He laughed and ushered me into the car. We sat in our driveway, looking at the cheerful picture of our gas station attendants. Hoop zoomed in the image until all that filled the screen was the man's neck. "Oh my god," was all I could say. "That's nasty!" Hoop proclaimed. The ductape had been removed to reveal a pussing gash about two inches long.

Hoop: Now we have proof.
Tink: Yeah...
Hoop: You OK?
Tink: They gave me birthday presents! He said we were his favorite customers.
Hoop: You could always print them a copy of the picture.
Tink: True! That would make me feel much better.
Hoop: See? They'll never know.

It's amazing how we humans justify things.

Thanks for all the birthday greetings! I hope you all had a great weekend.



At 31 January, 2006, Blogger ragingmom said...

Duct tape on a gaping neck wound??

happy belated birthday!

At 31 January, 2006, Anonymous TB said...

That is the exact thought process I go through on a day off.

Loving your birthday present... it makes me wish more than ever I still drank coffee. It's like coffee porn.

At 31 January, 2006, Blogger V said...

NICE coffee maker! Good boy!

Ok...the duct tape thing I just can't even comment on....must purge thoughts...must purge thoughts! ew!

At 31 January, 2006, Anonymous Spamboy said...

Creepiest gas station I ever went to was in Shreveport, LA, the night that LSU won their national championship. The woman who ran the register was so torn up -- her arms, chest, and neck were covered with prison tattoos that were administered by a shank, I'm sure.

At 31 January, 2006, Blogger The Gradual Gardener said...

Maybe to thank them for the photo you should bring them a roll of gauze. Or a box of Band-Aids.

At 31 January, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

Ragingmom: I'm take it from your double "?s" that this isn't normal? I seem to forget what is, while living in the country with rednecks. :)

TB: Coffee porn! LOL Mine must be a super star.

V: Let it out... You're safe here. Unless the rednecks in my area figure out what a "cumpooter" is.

Spamboy: You know what I call that? Gas station security. Who the hell would WANT to rob her?

Gradual Gardener: They might be happy with some sewing needles and thread. I have a feeling they're the do-it-yourself type.

At 31 January, 2006, Blogger mama_tulip said...

Ain't no better present than a coffee maker. It trumps everything, including sex.

Wouldn't it hurt if you peeled a piece of duct tape off of a gaping flesh would?

At 31 January, 2006, Blogger Alien said...

My husband works construction and has, on more than one occasion, used duct tape to stop the bleeding until he could go get stitches. Now mind you, his were small but deep finger and knee wounds... NOT 2-foot long gaping pussy neck wounds. LOL!

Glad you had a fantastic birthday! We missed you!

At 31 January, 2006, Blogger wordgirl said...

Gross! That's gonna leave a scar!

Happy Birfday. Why do some people pronounce it that way? Just wondering.

At 31 January, 2006, Blogger Mrs. Harridan said...

I was hoping to get to see the photo of the duct taped pus-y (pussy?) wound! But they sound so nice, I know you wouldn't want to betray them by posting it.

Glad you had an awesome birfday!

At 31 January, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

Mama T: I'm hoping he put some sort of padding over the cut before laying out the tape. *Shudder* Either way, he's "hard core."

Alien: *Snort* 2 INCHES. LOL Dear God, can you imagine what a two foot gash would look like? I can't see any amount of Duct tape holding that together! ;)

Wordgirl: I have no idea. Hoop only says it that way to be funny. Although I don't really understand that either. It makes him sound like he has no teeth.

At 31 January, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

Mrs. Harridan: Oop, I missed ya. LOL Pussy wound puts a whole different picture in my mind! I can't really post their picture without asking first, which defeats the whole covert operation. But MAYBE I can get the close-up of the wound. Do you guys really want to see it though?

At 31 January, 2006, Blogger EE said...

I want that coffee maker. Bad. LOL Definate brownie points there.

The duck tape...on his NECK is very odd. Yikes.

At 31 January, 2006, Blogger mE said...

Owowowow... the thought of removal of duct tape from a wound like that just gives me the willies. Eek!

Coffee Heaven - Hoop is a GOOD man, definitely a keeper. And he WRAPPED it? It's definitely loooooove...



At 31 January, 2006, Blogger Mignon said...

Please please don't post the picture of the neck wound! I'm still haunted by teeb's picture of her torn-off fingernail...

So what did your mom buy you? And on what are you basing the 30-minute pig orgasm?

"Dead tongue" - I love that. I always think mine feels like wood in the morning. Ha! Jim and I both have morning wood!

At 31 January, 2006, Blogger Chris said...

He maybe didn't have a gaping neck wound until he tried taking the duct tape off... Ouch!

Wow, what doesn't that coffee maker do? (No, no, you don't need to tell me... la la la la la la)

At 31 January, 2006, Blogger The Queen Mama said...

Glad you had a great day off with your mom.

And I wanna come back in the next life as a pig...

At 31 January, 2006, Blogger Alien said...

LOL! Inches... feet... Who's counting? ;)

At 01 February, 2006, Anonymous Amanda B. said...

Happy Birthday late!

At 01 February, 2006, Blogger Carrie said...

Now THAT is one multi-taskin' coffee makin' machine!

Sounds like a fun weekend and Happy Birthday!

At 01 February, 2006, Blogger Carrie said...

Alien: Jason's done the exact same thing with duct tape. He swears it works better than stitches. Gross!

At 01 February, 2006, Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

my family thinks that duct tape fixes EVERYTHING. Obviously, we are not alone.

I can't believe a pig is getting it better than I am.

At 01 February, 2006, Blogger Arabella said...

Happy Birfday, Tink!

I selfishly missed you. You always make me laugh. :)

At 01 February, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

Well I don't want to give you all nightmares. If I do post it, I'll be sure it's just a link for those who want to see it.

Mom got me a stereo to replace my 13yr old relic. No more tape deck! LOL

I have NO idea where I heard about the 30 minute pig orgasm. It was probably one of those random "Fact" emails or web pages. Either way it's most likely false. But man, wouldn't you HATE to be the person who tries to prove it?

At 02 February, 2006, Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

Wow, breakfast in bed on your birthday.

Poor guy at the gas station, next thing you know he'll have gangrene. So, where are the pictures?

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