Back To Basics
White Flag: After everything that happened yesterday, would you believe Mom called this morning to ask if Hoop could watch the dogs while we're gone? I just stood there, staring at the phone. Yesterday DID happen right?! Because I feel like I'm dreaming. "I'll pay him $500 and we'll make a kennel for them outside." She said it like it was a new idea.
When I called Hoop to forewarn him he sighed and said, "I'll probably just do it. I could buy something nice for myself with the money." What? NO. Not after I fought so hard yesterday. This, coming from the man who honestly thought my Mom was just trying to ensure he stayed out of trouble while we're gone. I feel like a super hero. Only one with some pathetic power like... "The ability to run in circles and not fall down!"
Thank you again guys, for being so supportive and wonderful. I couldn't ask for better friends.
Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: When we move I'm buying a new TV.
Tink: Yeah? I'm buying a vacuum cleaner.
Hoop: That sounds...fun, babe.
Tink: I need a new one. Ours sucks.
Tink: Well technically it DOESN'T. That's the problem.
InADvisable: Thank you Folioweekly for providing the blog fodder.
Women Seeking Men:
NEED GOOD FRIEND. Seeking friend, companion, older, for fun, telephone, coffee, and some computer "know how." "Computer know how?" Cut the crap. You're just looking for a free technician.
Men Seeking Women:
BRING OUT THE FLAVOR. Shake your tree and fill your fruit, taste brand new to heal your fresh, add to the good life. I bring out the flavor; it's your world, best if I keep freshness at a maximum. I feel like we should all be snapping our fingers...and doing drugs. How exactly does one "keep freshness at a maximum?" I keep picturing his pickle in a Ziploc. It's not sexy dude, it's scary.
ANTIQUES. Estate sales. Garage Sales. Old Houses. Single white male seeks woman interested in weekend adventures. Looking for gems among junk. Oh-ho. A metaphor. I get it! By "junk" you mean the kind of people who place ads here. The "gems" being the people who read them and make fun of all you sorry asses, right? Good Luck.
SEXY HANDSOME GUY. Looking for nice, sweet girl. Must be 18 to 30 and compromise in everything. I am waiting patiently for your response. Don't be shy; my door is open for you ever and ever. What's that? Hold on a second. Oh? Uh huh. Ok, I'll tell him. Katie Holmes is saying, "Call me!"
YOU, ME AND POONIEL. If you recognize the reference you are probably a good match. Former hippie gone to the dark side. All my hair and teeth, most of my brain cells. Seeking similar yin to my yang. Roll the dice? You know you live in the south when people feel the need to assure you they have all their teeth.
I Saw You:
MARTINIS. You: sexy, provocative mother at Martinis last Saturday. Me: handsome drunk man standing by the door. You liked my Lynyrd Skynyrd Jack Daniels shirt. Me too slow, you started humping nasty guy at bar. Should have grabbed you first. A drunk chick humping some nasty guy at the bar? I mean... HOW could you let her get away?!
FUELED BY SPARKS. TSI Monday nights. You: kitty faced blonde waxing poetic about bloodshed. Me: bespectacled red-head with Tourette's syndrome and lots of bruises. We wont always be homeless, and we have a long swampy summer ahead of us! I think I have multiple personalities... Because this ad could have come from nowhere else but my deranged head. That or my new best friend. Although multiple personalities would explain the black outs.
BEAUTIFUL BANKER. You: beautiful curly-haired blonde leaving Jacksonville Bank Downtown. Me: Tall, dark and handsome wearing Oceanwaves and reading Folio Weekly on the corner. You could've been a model. Call me. I want to make a deposit in your bank. You know, you were doing alright until that last line. I ALMOST thought you were a nice guy. "Make a deposit in your bank." Pfft. I'd like to wear your face as shoes.
Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Hoop: Did you see that commercial?
Tink: Which one?
Hoop: For the male enhancement drugs?
Tink: I didn't know I should've been paying attention to it hon.
Hoop: One of the possible side effects was BLINDNESS.
Tink: Wow. That's awful!
Hoop: So it's true... You CAN go blind from too much masturbation.