Thursday, May 18, 2006

Back To Basics

White Flag: After everything that happened yesterday, would you believe Mom called this morning to ask if Hoop could watch the dogs while we're gone? I just stood there, staring at the phone. Yesterday DID happen right?! Because I feel like I'm dreaming. "I'll pay him $500 and we'll make a kennel for them outside." She said it like it was a new idea.

When I called Hoop to forewarn him he sighed and said, "I'll probably just do it. I could buy something nice for myself with the money." What? NO. Not after I fought so hard yesterday. This, coming from the man who honestly thought my Mom was just trying to ensure he stayed out of trouble while we're gone. I feel like a super hero. Only one with some pathetic power like... "The ability to run in circles and not fall down!"

Thank you again guys, for being so supportive and wonderful. I couldn't ask for better friends.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: When we move I'm buying a new TV.
Tink: Yeah? I'm buying a vacuum cleaner.
Hoop: That sounds...fun, babe.
Tink: I need a new one. Ours sucks.
...
Tink: Well technically it DOESN'T. That's the problem.

InADvisable: Thank you
Folioweekly for providing the blog fodder.

Women Seeking Men:

NEED GOOD FRIEND. Seeking friend, companion, older, for fun, telephone, coffee, and some computer "know how." "Computer know how?" Cut the crap. You're just looking for a free technician.

Men Seeking Women:

BRING OUT THE FLAVOR. Shake your tree and fill your fruit, taste brand new to heal your fresh, add to the good life. I bring out the flavor; it's your world, best if I keep freshness at a maximum. I feel like we should all be snapping our fingers...and doing drugs. How exactly does one "keep freshness at a maximum?" I keep picturing his pickle in a Ziploc. It's not sexy dude, it's scary.

ANTIQUES. Estate sales. Garage Sales. Old Houses. Single white male seeks woman interested in weekend adventures. Looking for gems among junk. Oh-ho. A metaphor. I get it! By "junk" you mean the kind of people who place ads here. The "gems" being the people who read them and make fun of all you sorry asses, right? Good Luck.

SEXY HANDSOME GUY. Looking for nice, sweet girl. Must be 18 to 30 and compromise in everything. I am waiting patiently for your response. Don't be shy; my door is open for you ever and ever. What's that? Hold on a second. Oh? Uh huh. Ok, I'll tell him. Katie Holmes is saying, "Call me!"

YOU, ME AND POONIEL. If you recognize the reference you are probably a good match. Former hippie gone to the dark side. All my hair and teeth, most of my brain cells. Seeking similar yin to my yang. Roll the dice?
You know you live in the south when people feel the need to assure you they have all their teeth.

I Saw You:

MARTINIS. You: sexy, provocative mother at Martinis last Saturday. Me: handsome drunk man standing by the door. You liked my Lynyrd Skynyrd Jack Daniels shirt. Me too slow, you started humping nasty guy at bar. Should have grabbed you first.
A drunk chick humping some nasty guy at the bar? I mean... HOW could you let her get away?!

FUELED BY SPARKS. TSI Monday nights. You: kitty faced blonde waxing poetic about bloodshed. Me: bespectacled red-head with Tourette's syndrome and lots of bruises. We wont always be homeless, and we have a long swampy summer ahead of us! I think I have multiple personalities... Because this ad could have come from nowhere else but my deranged head. That or my new best friend. Although multiple personalities would explain the black outs.

BEAUTIFUL BANKER. You: beautiful curly-haired blonde leaving Jacksonville Bank Downtown. Me: Tall, dark and handsome wearing Oceanwaves and reading Folio Weekly on the corner. You could've been a model. Call me. I want to make a deposit in your bank. You know, you were doing alright until that last line. I ALMOST thought you were a nice guy. "Make a deposit in your bank." Pfft. I'd like to wear your face as shoes.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Hoop: Did you see that commercial?
Tink: Which one?
Hoop: For the male enhancement drugs?
Tink: I didn't know I should've been paying attention to it hon.
Hoop: One of the possible side effects was BLINDNESS.
Tink: Wow. That's awful!
Hoop: So it's true...
You CAN go blind from too much masturbation.

18 Comments:

At 18 May, 2006, Blogger Arabella said...

I wish there were pictures to go with the ads. And, yes, when I pass car accidents, I look.

 
At 18 May, 2006, Blogger Mignon said...

Sometimes I think Hoop is the smartest person I've ever eavesdropped on, and then, sometimes...
W
ould guys buy Viagra just so they could whack off for three straight days? I guess you could sell it as a diet drug too?

I love the superhero comment. What if we all had some secret wonderful ability like that and we just had to discover it ourselves. I think mine is to know the exact amount of dishwashing soap to squirt on the sponge for a sink full of dishes. I know! Whoa.

 
At 18 May, 2006, Blogger Newt said...

One of my husbands favorite shirts reads: "I'm like a superhero only with no powers and no motivation."
I love that shirt. When I found it for him I thought he might be offended but he wears it all the time. His other favorite: an MPR shirt that reads: "Cling tenaciously to those few remaining brain cells."

 
At 18 May, 2006, Blogger Chris said...

Those ads just leave me shaking my head and resolute in my singleness!

 
At 18 May, 2006, Blogger Melissa said...

Hoop should just have a big old party at your mom's house. ;)

I hope this all works out and you get to go, hon!

Thanks for the much needed laughs.

 
At 18 May, 2006, Blogger Jay said...

Is there anybody on Earth you can drive a person crazier than his/her mother?

Clarence Darrow (I think) once said something along the lines of "Our parents ruin the first half of our lives, and our children ruin the other half"

Of course, I have no kids, so my mother is doubling up.

Maybe Hoop's answer today came after some time reflecting on the whole thing. Sounds like he's thought it over and thought of something positive that can come of it. And, maybe he's just decided to be the martyr ... er .. to do what he knows will make you happy. Yeah, that's it, what will make you happy.

 
At 18 May, 2006, Blogger mama_tulip said...

I am just LMAO at your Hoop conversation. LMFAO.

 
At 18 May, 2006, Blogger ragingmom said...

Speaking as someone who is old enough to BE your mother, and who is also a travel agent for Guilt Trips Inc, BOTH of you tell your mom no.

 
At 18 May, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

Arabella: Me too. I keep picturing them as the contestants on Mad TV's "Lowered Expectations."

Mignon: Evidently this pill enables you to um... "tent" for 36 hours! WHO would want that? You couldn't leave the house or sleep on your stomach.

Newt: Where did you find the first shirt? Hoop's already worn out the "If you tap it, they will come" keg shirt. :)

Chris: You should only use these as a deterrent from dating people from the SOUTH. And even then- just check their teeth.

Melissa: That's what I told him to do too. The house sits on 5 acres with a fire pit. It's perfect. He might as well use it.

Jay: Or maybe he's realizing all the speaker equipment he could buy to enhance that new TV he wants. ;)

Ragingmom: I KEEP telling her "No." I'm thinking the words turn into gibberish by the time they reach her ears. Maybe Hoop and I should practice saying it at the same time. Like a chant? hehe

 
At 18 May, 2006, Blogger Jay said...

Tink: You mean like a really sleek, cool Bose DVD/CD/Stereo system with wireless speakers that can pick up the signal anywhere in the house or outside on the deck? Naw, I'm sure he was only thinking about making you happy.

Ok, making you happy AND a Bose system, maybe. LOL

 
At 18 May, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

Holy shit Jay. That is EXACTLY the stereo system Hoop wants. See? You are my proof that all men think alike. That, or you're psychic. In which case you must leave. My head is a dirty circus.

 
At 18 May, 2006, Blogger Jay said...

LOL .. closer to psychotic.

 
At 18 May, 2006, Blogger EE said...

LMAO at those ads, those are TOO funny.

I hope the trip works out!!!

 
At 18 May, 2006, Blogger Newt said...

I got it at Kohl's for x-mas 2004. I tried to google it but I couldn't find anything. I'll get the exact wording on the shirt and let you know. You could probably have it made up for him. It's just a black t-shirt with the saying printed across the chest.

 
At 18 May, 2006, Blogger Peevish said...

Good Lord. Did you say NO again?

 
At 19 May, 2006, Blogger Alien said...

OMG! Can *I* come to Hoop's party at your mom's house? That sounds like fun! LOL!

(((Tink)))

 
At 19 May, 2006, Anonymous TB said...

Your mom is a force to be reckoned with. Man I'm sorry about all the added stress. I know you don't need it. Hoop is a keeper though.

I had a thought. Perhaps you could put an ad in the I Saw You pages for a dog sitter?

I Saw You - Normal looking, non psychotic guy walking a labrador in the park. How'd you like to make some extra scratch?

 
At 19 May, 2006, Blogger Chelle Y. said...

Maybe your mom has selective memory? I am telling you, she sound like my mom. I love my mom to death too!

 

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