Home Depot Is Heaven...

...and the people who work there are Gods.

The realtor is coming over this afternoon to take pictures of our house. She's a very nice lady (like a shark wearing lipstick). And I'm sure she won't judge me (to my face). So last night, in anticipation of our house guest, I came home with the intention of knocking out everything on the "Honey-Do" list. Hoop had school and I was looking forward to a five hour guilt-free-OCD-ADD cleaning frenzy. Well, that's how it was supposed to turn out.

Hoop ended up being sick and skipping out on school. The tropical storm that's rolling through decided to camp out on top of my damn house. I found that having a guilt-free-OCD-ADD cleaning frenzy is impossible when there's someone relaxing on your couch watching TV like we're not in some "desperate cleaning crisis."

And by now you're probably wondering where the hell Home Depot comes into all of this.

Blip forward about two hours. I found myself standing in front of replacement fan blades at Home Depot, seconds away from exploding into tears. It all started when I took down the existing blades to scrub off the putty that had held all those stupid glow stars on. Evidently putty turns into cement after being exposed to air too long. *Blip* Hoop ditches to play video games *Blip* I pretend the floor is Hoop's head and I throw a screwdriver at it. *Blip* We fight (Hoop and I, not the floor). *Blip* I drive off to Home Depot in a huff.

I stared at the limited selection of fan blades in front of me for thirty minutes, comparing and recomparing them to the one I held in my hand. "Why don't any of these have large holes like mine?! I'm standing here at 9 o'clock at night with absolutely no idea what I'm doing." My nose started to tingle. "I am NOT going to cry in the middle of Home Depot." And suddenly I spotted an employee.

The older gentlemen studied the blade for a minute. "We don't carry this. It's part of an easy assembly fan." I felt my body take on weight. "Don't panic. It's OK," he told me reassuringly. "They're reversible." I looked up at him suddenly. He laughed at the look of confusion on my face. "See this button? You just press it and it all comes apart. Then you just flip the blade and resnap it together." It was that simple.

"Oh my God. You just made my night! Thank you SO much! I can't even tell you how much this helps. I mean seriously, THANK YOU!" I think my profession of gratitude startled the employee. He took a few steps back and than erupted into laughter.

Talk about overkill. I bet that man has never met someone so appreciative over a stupid fan blade in his entire life.

I took the blade back and marched toward the front of the store. "The people at Home Depot are GODS," I told my Mom over the phone on the way out. There was a chuckle behind me. When I turned around, it was to a whole crew of young male stockers. And every single one of them had heard me. I blushed and told my Mom I'd call her back. The stockers grinned like fools, wished me good-night, and asked if I needed help to my car... Help carrying what, my lone fan blade?

Mom says you can't make up stories that good.

June Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. Cannoli filling like Walmart LOL. What? You mean cheap and tasteless?
2. Social pariah Gee, Thanks. You know, you wear coke bottle glasses and an eye patch for a few years as a kid and they NEVER let you live it down.
3. Dad saddle -- for when little kids "ride horsey" on their dad's back Thank you, because we needed that clarified.
4. Yakety yak teeth
5. Cum Man Man Man Do you stutter? Or is that an echo?