Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Home Depot Is Heaven...

...and the people who work there are Gods.

The realtor is coming over this afternoon to take pictures of our house. She's a very nice lady (like a shark wearing lipstick). And I'm sure she won't judge me (to my face). So last night, in anticipation of our house guest, I came home with the intention of knocking out everything on the "Honey-Do" list. Hoop had school and I was looking forward to a five hour guilt-free-OCD-ADD cleaning frenzy. Well, that's how it was supposed to turn out.

Hoop ended up being sick and skipping out on school. The tropical storm that's rolling through decided to camp out on top of my damn house. I found that having a guilt-free-OCD-ADD cleaning frenzy is impossible when there's someone relaxing on your couch watching TV like we're not in some "desperate cleaning crisis."

And by now you're probably wondering where the hell Home Depot comes into all of this.

Blip forward about two hours. I found myself standing in front of replacement fan blades at Home Depot, seconds away from exploding into tears. It all started when I took down the existing blades to scrub off the putty that had held all those stupid glow stars on. Evidently putty turns into cement after being exposed to air too long. *Blip* Hoop ditches to play video games *Blip* I pretend the floor is Hoop's head and I throw a screwdriver at it. *Blip* We fight (Hoop and I, not the floor). *Blip* I drive off to Home Depot in a huff.

I stared at the limited selection of fan blades in front of me for thirty minutes, comparing and recomparing them to the one I held in my hand. "Why don't any of these have large holes like mine?! I'm standing here at 9 o'clock at night with absolutely no idea what I'm doing." My nose started to tingle. "I am NOT going to cry in the middle of Home Depot." And suddenly I spotted an employee.

The older gentlemen studied the blade for a minute. "We don't carry this. It's part of an easy assembly fan." I felt my body take on weight. "Don't panic. It's OK," he told me reassuringly. "They're reversible." I looked up at him suddenly. He laughed at the look of confusion on my face. "See this button? You just press it and it all comes apart. Then you just flip the blade and resnap it together." It was that simple.

"Oh my God. You just made my night! Thank you SO much! I can't even tell you how much this helps. I mean seriously, THANK YOU!" I think my profession of gratitude startled the employee. He took a few steps back and than erupted into laughter.

Talk about overkill. I bet that man has never met someone so appreciative over a stupid fan blade in his entire life.

I took the blade back and marched toward the front of the store. "The people at Home Depot are GODS," I told my Mom over the phone on the way out. There was a chuckle behind me. When I turned around, it was to a whole crew of young male stockers. And every single one of them had heard me. I blushed and told my Mom I'd call her back. The stockers grinned like fools, wished me good-night, and asked if I needed help to my car... Help carrying what, my lone fan blade?

Mom says you can't make up stories that good.

June Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. Cannoli filling like Walmart
LOL. What? You mean cheap and tasteless?
2. Social pariah
Gee, Thanks. You know, you wear coke bottle glasses and an eye patch for a few years as a kid and they NEVER let you live it down.
3. Dad saddle -- for when little kids "ride horsey" on their dad's back Thank you, because we needed that clarified.
4. Yakety yak teeth
5. Cum Man Man Man Do you stutter? Or is that an echo?


At 13 June, 2006, Anonymous mamatulip said...

Man, I wish some of those Home Deopt gods would come to Canada. I hate going to HD here...they seem to only hire people with a third grade education.

At 13 June, 2006, Anonymous TB said...

I hate going to HD unless I know exactly what I'm looking for because nine times out of ten, NO ONE can help you. I've cried in the screw aisle on two occasions.

Hang in there! After today all you have to do is keep the house clean until you get an offer. Just take it in little chunks instead of focusing on everything at once.

At 13 June, 2006, Blogger Arabella said...

It's funny how you and Mignon and Teebs are all going through the similar things with your houses at the same time. Well, "funny," from, you know, my vantage point of sitting on the couch and not packing.

I'm glad the Home Depot guys were so helpful. Good luck with the sale of the house. :)

At 13 June, 2006, Anonymous OddMix said...

I am glad that the Big Orange Toy Store managed to save your evening.

It really pisses me off to hear about a guy who sits on his ass and watches while a lady works to fix up the house. That is not "Masculine", it is "Childish" and "Asshole". Really chaps my ass.

At 13 June, 2006, Blogger Jay said...

You know, I kinda have to agree with Odd Mix on this. Tell Hoop, that we all think he should be more helpful. I'm not going to laugh at you for not knowing that the fan blades were reversable. But, Hoop should have known that. All guys should instictively know that fan baldes are reversable and how to do basic lawn care and auto/house maintenance.

I could spend hours in HD. Then go across the street to Lowes and spend hours looking at the same stuff there.

At 13 June, 2006, Blogger Mignon said...

Hey Soul Sistah - should we have a race to see whose sells first?

Crying in the screw aisle... the story of my life, Teebs.

At 13 June, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

Mama T: You know, I don't think there are ALWAYS resident HD Gods at mine either. I think they just took pity on me last night. :)

TB: Crying in department stores is the worst. You can't exactly hide it, and you can't leave because you still need what you can't find. I'm trying to stay sane girl. Thank you, as always, for the support.

Arabella: Ooooh. You jinxed yourself. You're going to find your dream house soon and then the bug will have caught. ;)

Odd Mix and Jay: Yeah, I felt a little duped. Not that I mind hard labor, but I don't think I should be left to do it alone when there's an able bodied guy around.

To his credit, he is sick and was just told by his doctor that he needs to lay off heavy labor so his back can heal.

Is it bad that I feel like that's just a bit of an excuse? It is, isn't it? I'm just so stressed and over-worked. There's only so much I can eat off my heaping plate before I puke.

Mignon: I hope you win. You already know which lovely house you'll be moving into when yours sells. I have... um. Yeah. I should probably get on that huh?

At 13 June, 2006, Blogger Foo said...

My nose tingles like that whenever I contemplate Doing Something to the house. I was good at things like English and math when I was in school—not shop. Consequently, I'm positive that I'm going to totally botch any home improvement probject more ambitious than a coat of paint or pounding a nail for a picture to hang on.

The prospect of sawing a hole in a wall or... or...

[minutes pass]

It happened again, didn't it? I, like, totally locked up.

Anyway, regarding the "Cum Man Man Man" thing may be a variation of "ohyes ohgod ohgod ohgod".

WV: "nwaaydm". Sometimes uttered in disbelief over the fall of a 20-sided die.

At 13 June, 2006, Blogger F&W said...

I love HD! Despite the troglodytes who work there, the tool corral is my very favourite. And while I'm a strong, independant woman, I would not hesitate to cry in there to use the tears to my advantage. There will always be some kind man working there (who seems to look just like my Dad) who can't stand to see a woman cry and comes to my rescue (or at least points out the difference between drywall screws and wood screws) Works everytime!

Hoop: Get off yer butt and help this woman!! Sick or no, surely a trip to HD won't kill you. Remember, she'd do it for you!

At 13 June, 2006, Blogger EE said...

Oh thank god...I have had moments like yours at Home Depot, that was so sweet of that man to be able to help you out!

OMFG, I have to dig up a photo I have. I HAVE a picture of this:
3. Dad saddle -- for when little kids "ride horsey" on their dad's back Thank you, because we needed that clarified.
It's called a "daddle", LMFAO!!! I'll hunt it down and post it sometime this wk, I have saved the photo/ad bc I wanted to send it into Jay Leno the thing is so hysterical!

At 13 June, 2006, Blogger Katherine said...

Oh that was funny! I wish I had bought stock in Home Depot years ago. I seem to end up there every week for something or other. Always helpful. I came here from Mean Girl to the Rescue.

At 13 June, 2006, Blogger wordgirl said...

Your mother is right. Even I felt relief after you got help from the Home Depot guy.

At 13 June, 2006, Blogger mamalujo1 said...

Hey Tink!

You said, "Why don't these have large holes like mine" !!!

Your sick, dirty-minded pal.

At 13 June, 2006, Blogger Alien said...

I despise Home Depot. I really prefer Lowe's. Sure, at Lowe's, the employees are no smarter than at HD (read: total lunkheads), but at least Lowe's is cleaner and makes me feel like I'm shopping in a store and not a dirty warehouse that has random ladders and equipment blocking the stuff on the shelves. Burn in hell HD!!!

(But I really AM glad that the HD dude could help you. LOL!)

At 14 June, 2006, Blogger Chris said...

Home Depot has employees?

At 14 June, 2006, Anonymous mrspao said...

I find it hard to doing a cleaning blitz when pao is at home sick because I feel resentful that I'm cleaning and he is watching TV etc. I've learned that it is a whole lot better if I lock him, oops, convince him to go to a part of the house where I am not so I can't actually see him.

I can completely empathise with wanting to burst into tears in a shop. You sound tired and a bit stressed by the house selling thing. When you've finished your OCD cleaning, get yourself out for a pedicure or a massage or something.

At 14 June, 2006, Blogger R. Robyn said...

Cum Man Man Man. I guessing it's an echo.

At 14 June, 2006, Blogger FA said...

I'm a firm beliver that Home Depot, Lowes, Wal Mart, and Microsoft are in cahoots to take over the world. The depressing part? They're all doing it with the shittiest customer service possible -- except for maybe fan man. I'll leave him out. :)

At 14 June, 2006, Blogger Jess Riley said...

I love coming here, because then I'm not a liar when I type "LOL."

You probably made those stockers' weeks. :) Great story.

At 15 June, 2006, Blogger Pixie LaRouge said...

LDB can't understand why I cannot, CANNOT clean when he's here. He'll comfortably settle in to watch a ballgame, secure in the fact that he worked a 10+ hour day, while I'm trying to vacuum under his feet. Mind you, I had also just put in a 10+ hour day taking care of two kids and cleaning the REST of the house...

Of course, he thanks me nicely for supper, clean clothing, a clean house. And then he pays me handsomely. So it's all okay.


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