Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Weird Quota

It's only Wednesday and I've already maxed out my "Weird Quota" for the week.

Weird Lunch: As I was standing in line at the gas station yesterday I couldn't help but notice a man about my age staring at me from the next line. He stared. I ignored him. He coughed to get my attention. I took an interest in my feet. Fortunately I got out of line first and made haste toward my car. I thought I was in the clear... Until he peeled out of the parking lot to catch up with me at the light. "Real funny dude," I thought as he revved his engine behind me.

I thought I'd lose him as I turned onto work's road. But I didn't. He followed. I pulled into the parking lot and figured he'd just keep on going. He didn't. He parked at the end of the drive, hanging out his car window, and stared. He didn't pull off until after I was safely in the building. What exactly did he hope to accomplish? Did he think I'd be wooed by his vacant stare? Or that glob of spittle dripping from his open mouth? Ooooh, or how special he made me feel as he chased me down the road?

Weird Call: Last night I got a call from a girl who I went to high school with. This girl and I have never been more than acquaintances, not to mention I haven't seen or spoken to her in over five years. She started the conversation off by mentioning that she was house hunting. According to her, my house was one of the ones her real estate agent had pulled for her to look at. "Unfortunately it's just too much out of my price range. But we drove by and I think you've done an amazing job on the place." "So how did you know it was my house?" "My real estate agent told me your name. I was so surprised I decided to 411 your number!"

First off, I've NEVER known an agent to disclose that type of information. Secondly, I have an unlisted number. "You know, my Dad is a real estate agent too. He says the real estate market has burst. House values are going way down. Houses that used to market at XX are now selling at XX." I couldn't believe the strings of sugar-coated bullshit coming out of this girl's mouth. "I've been watching the MLS for months and although the realty market has dropped down, prices are still sticking pretty high in Florida."

"By the way, you're on a septic tank right?" "Yup." "Is it below the shed?" "Um, no it's actually buried in the back yard." How did she know where the shed was located if she'd never set foot my property? "Because I'd like to put in a swimming pool." It was about then that I started trying to get off the phone with her. "You know, even if you sell your house for XX, you'll still make a XX profit." "And HOW do you know that?" "My real estate agent told me how much you bought the house for three years ago."

"Well, I have to go. It was nice talking to you." "Hey If you decide to go down to XX though, you'll call me first right?" "I don't think I'll move if I can only get that much for my house." "Oh. Ok. Well maybe if you and your boyfriend want to hang out some time?" I felt my palms starting to sweat. I hadn't mentioned Hoop once in the whole conversation. I don't know if I even said good-bye to the girl before hanging up the phone and calling out. Hoop thinks she's my secret stalker. He wants to invest in a taser just in case. Mom thinks her real estate agent is really her father, and he passed on this confidential information in the hopes that she could butter me over.

One thing is for sure... I will be so glad to get out of this town.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: I used to be fluent in sign language. I'm really rusty now.
Hoop's Mom: Interpreters make good money. Maybe you two could get into something like that.
Tink: I could teach you what I know, Hoop.
Hoop: That'll be a short lesson.

Tink: You're lucky you're cute.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
(6:30 this morning)
Hoop: Baaaaby.
Tink: Hmmm?
Hoop: Wake up.
Tink: Uh uh.
Hoop: I love you.
Tink: What do you want?
Hoop: You have five minutes until you have to get up.
Tink: What does tha- No Hoop. Not now.
Hoop: Pleeease?
Tink: I have to jump in the shower in five minutes.
Hoop: Pleeease?
Tink: No.
Hoop: You can time me.

After Dinner Mint:
Alzheimer-Grandfather: When's the waitress going to take our order?!
Hoop: She already did Grandpa.
AG: She did? What did I order?
Hoop: Mahi-Mahi fish.
AG: What the hell is Mommy-Mommy fish? That sounds disgusting!

Twisted Tink has been updated with a new chapter, "Mirror Mirror." Fill up your mug and click on over to fill your head. Comments and guesses as to what's going to happen next are always welcome!


At 21 June, 2006, Anonymous mamatulip said...

Dude, that is CREEPY about that girl calling you! Like just...weird.

At 21 June, 2006, Blogger mamalujo1 said...

It's not hard at all to find out what someone paid for their property; it's usually a public record at the courthouse. Same thing maybe with the septic field. As far as the boyfriend, what with Homeland Security these days, maybe that too is out there!

I am SO glad I'm out of my testosterone twenties.

At 21 June, 2006, Blogger Chelle Y. said...

Yeah, creepy, on both incidents!

Your AG is so cute. I so remember those kind of conversations with my grandma. Sadly, she cannot talk anymore. Sometimes, you have to laugh, to keep you from crying.

By the way, I forgot a lot of my signs too. I do however remember the "cuss words." I used to sign them to my hubby when he made me angry, and he had no idea what I was saying. Haha!

You could teach Hoop those! :)

At 21 June, 2006, Anonymous OddMix said...

Yuck. Creepy people always... uh, creep me out.

And, Chelle, I bet that your husband figured out the gist of what you were signing pretty fast.

At 21 June, 2006, Blogger Jay said...

If you see that creep again, get out of your car and write down his plate numbers and then get on your cell phone as if your calling the police or something. That always gets rid of me .. er ... should run him off. ;-)

Also, maybe you should call your RE agent and confront her about that phone call. Tell her if she's is trying to put together a deal with another agent by giving him confidential info you'll spork her face off. And then hire a lawyer and go after her license. I don't trust RE agents at all.

I should totally start an advice collumn. haha

At 21 June, 2006, Blogger Chelle Y. said...

Oddmix, I was not that brave. I did it behind his back! Yeah, I am a seven year old little girl! :o)

At 21 June, 2006, Blogger EE said...

Ewww, both that wack job who followed you and that chick w/ TMI creeped ME out and it was YOU it happened to...yuck.

I *totally* LMAO at Grandpa in that last convo...too, TOO funny. ~snort~

At 21 June, 2006, Anonymous mrspao said...

Oooh that's a bit weird and scary. Why on earth anyone would do that really puzzles me! I wonder if her father is anyway involved with your real estate agent.

At 21 June, 2006, Blogger Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

Those first two stories both freak me out. You might need two tasers.

At 21 June, 2006, Blogger FA said...

The car guy --what a wacko...oh wait he wasn't doing that in the car was he?

The creepy girl --whoever has been handing out your info should be shot. However, mamalujo1 is right, a lot of that stuff is online but the whole scenario would be extremely bothersome to me.

At 21 June, 2006, Blogger Chris said...

Damnation, that is just way too much creepiness. I picture you saying (stealing from Jack Nicholson in "As Good As It Gets"), "If you're seeling weird, we're all full up here."

But those were excellent Hoop conversations!

At 21 June, 2006, Blogger Heather said...

That woman had SOME nerve calling you up and trying to get you to lower your price just because she knew you back in the day!!

I think I would have hung up as quickly as I could too!!

At 21 June, 2006, Blogger Mignon said...

I want to say something about all of it, but lordy, the mommy-mommy fish is making me laugh and laugh. And it DOES sound disgusting! Although, no more disgusting than baby lamb...

At 21 June, 2006, Blogger Peevish said...

Ah, the swooning romance of a horny male in the morning!

At 22 June, 2006, Blogger R. Robyn said...

I'm glad your life is interesting.

At 22 June, 2006, Blogger V said...

Holy CRAP! Blogger is letting me comment?????? This has GOT to be a first in WEEKS! Of'll probably spew all over me when I hit submit. Anywho....nice stalkers you've got there. Who DOES that (in either case??)? She would've just moved to the top of my list of People-I-Do-Not-Want-To-Subject-My-Former-Home-To. ICK! Freak.

At 22 June, 2006, Blogger Arabella said...

Oy. Creepy, in both instances. I'm glad you lost the first guy; definitely write down his plates and call the police if you see him again. Maybe you should move here to New York City, where you'll be safe.

At 22 June, 2006, Blogger Pixie LaRouge said...

The freaks are out tonight, tonight...

But I LOVE the mommy-mommy fish. Alzheimer's so totally has some compensations, if you're willing to laugh through your tears.


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