Weird Quota

It's only Wednesday and I've already maxed out my "Weird Quota" for the week.

Weird Lunch: As I was standing in line at the gas station yesterday I couldn't help but notice a man about my age staring at me from the next line. He stared. I ignored him. He coughed to get my attention. I took an interest in my feet. Fortunately I got out of line first and made haste toward my car. I thought I was in the clear... Until he peeled out of the parking lot to catch up with me at the light. "Real funny dude," I thought as he revved his engine behind me.

I thought I'd lose him as I turned onto work's road. But I didn't. He followed. I pulled into the parking lot and figured he'd just keep on going. He didn't. He parked at the end of the drive, hanging out his car window, and stared. He didn't pull off until after I was safely in the building. What exactly did he hope to accomplish? Did he think I'd be wooed by his vacant stare? Or that glob of spittle dripping from his open mouth? Ooooh, or how special he made me feel as he chased me down the road?

Weird Call: Last night I got a call from a girl who I went to high school with. This girl and I have never been more than acquaintances, not to mention I haven't seen or spoken to her in over five years. She started the conversation off by mentioning that she was house hunting. According to her, my house was one of the ones her real estate agent had pulled for her to look at. "Unfortunately it's just too much out of my price range. But we drove by and I think you've done an amazing job on the place." "So how did you know it was my house?" "My real estate agent told me your name. I was so surprised I decided to 411 your number!"

First off, I've NEVER known an agent to disclose that type of information. Secondly, I have an unlisted number. "You know, my Dad is a real estate agent too. He says the real estate market has burst. House values are going way down. Houses that used to market at XX are now selling at XX." I couldn't believe the strings of sugar-coated bullshit coming out of this girl's mouth. "I've been watching the MLS for months and although the realty market has dropped down, prices are still sticking pretty high in Florida."

"By the way, you're on a septic tank right?" "Yup." "Is it below the shed?" "Um, no it's actually buried in the back yard." How did she know where the shed was located if she'd never set foot my property? "Because I'd like to put in a swimming pool." It was about then that I started trying to get off the phone with her. "You know, even if you sell your house for XX, you'll still make a XX profit." "And HOW do you know that?" "My real estate agent told me how much you bought the house for three years ago."

"Well, I have to go. It was nice talking to you." "Hey If you decide to go down to XX though, you'll call me first right?" "I don't think I'll move if I can only get that much for my house." "Oh. Ok. Well maybe if you and your boyfriend want to hang out some time?" I felt my palms starting to sweat. I hadn't mentioned Hoop once in the whole conversation. I don't know if I even said good-bye to the girl before hanging up the phone and calling out. Hoop thinks she's my secret stalker. He wants to invest in a taser just in case. Mom thinks her real estate agent is really her father, and he passed on this confidential information in the hopes that she could butter me over.

One thing is for sure... I will be so glad to get out of this town.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: I used to be fluent in sign language. I'm really rusty now.
Hoop's Mom: Interpreters make good money. Maybe you two could get into something like that.
Tink: I could teach you what I know, Hoop.
Hoop: That'll be a short lesson.
...
Tink: You're lucky you're cute.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
(6:30 this morning)
Hoop: Baaaaby.
Tink: Hmmm?
Hoop: Wake up.
Tink: Uh uh.
Hoop: I love you.
Tink: What do you want?
Hoop: You have five minutes until you have to get up.
Tink: What does tha- No Hoop. Not now.
Hoop: Pleeease?
Tink: I have to jump in the shower in five minutes.
Hoop: Pleeease?
Tink: No.
Hoop: You can time me.

After Dinner Mint:
Alzheimer-Grandfather: When's the waitress going to take our order?!
Hoop: She already did Grandpa.
AG: She did? What did I order?
Hoop: Mahi-Mahi fish.
AG: What the hell is Mommy-Mommy fish? That sounds disgusting!

DOT: Twisted Tink has been updated with a new chapter, "Mirror Mirror." Fill up your mug and click on over to fill your head. Comments and guesses as to what's going to happen next are always welcome!