Sun Starved

(Just a bit of fluff.)

I sit in glass doorways at lunch, limbs outstretched to the limit of their skin. My Florida soul feeds on sunlight. But I live in the dark, rising before the sun and barely chasing it home, always with the car between us. My office window overlooks the shadow of a roof. The sunlight teases, reflecting off of cars and trees, but never me. I catch it at lunch, warming a concrete stoop. Book and bag in hand, I throw myself at it. It welcomes me by sucking the moisture from my skin, a heat that tingles before it burns.

Before I can enjoy it long, that marvelous Florida sun, a raindrop falls and hits my open book. I stare at it for a second, that big wet punctuation mark. But there's no use trying to pretend it doesn't exist. Up North, where suns are meek and clouds aren't raging beasts, you might be able to bide your time. Not here. Where one drop falls, three thousand more are sure to come. So I retreat from the sun, not a moment too soon, to that doorway in filtered air and light. And my needful soul consoles itself in the fingers and toes of my outstretched limbs.

"Gullible" Is Not In The Wikipedia

Seriously, it's not.

I realized today that I'm a very gullible person. Which is shocking, because I always perceived myself as more of the sceptical type. Monday I got a text message from an acquaintance asking if I would like to go out for lunch this week. I said yes and asked which day. She replied, "Not Wednesday. My Mom is taking me out to lunch for my birthday." We agreed on Thursday instead. Thursday (today) rolled around. I got another text from her at 8. "Are we still on for lunch?" "Yup. Where at?"

"Let me check how much money I have," she answered. I thought that was a little odd, considering she had known that we were going to have lunch since Monday and that SHE had been the one to suggest it in the first place. Shouldn't she have set some money aside for it? I waited and waited for a response. Finally, she text back. "I'm broke." It was then that it dawned on me. I'd been duped. This "friend", who I would have otherwise not contacted, had gone out of her way to let me know it was her birthday.

Then, after planning a lunch date for the day after, conveniently ran out of money. With so little notice, she would have guessed that I wouldn't have packed a lunch. Geez. I sound like Vizzini. "But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me." In the end I caved and offered to pay. "Great! It can be my b-day present." She replied without a moment's hesitation. "How about Sonny's?" I'd been thinking more along the lines of Wendy's, but whatever. I figured it was my punishment for being so damn gullible.

So, what traits of yours have been unceremoniously revealed to you?

Lumpy Heart

Today is Hoop's and my three year anniversary...

...it was also supposed to be Chris' 25th birthday.

I know it's selfish, but I really wish they didn't fall on the same day.

We used to joke about it, how Hoop was such a "sweet" guy, taking me out as a gift to his brother. Bless Chris' heart, it never seemed to bother him. I sang Happy Birthday to him in the car this morning. I imagined a bunch of angels clutching their ears in pain while I did it. Too bad there aren't any strippers in Heaven. God has probably reformed them all by now, huh? Maybe some cute angel will jump out of his cake instead. Or maybe they're all sick of cake by now, seeing as everything is made from the stuff. Well, it is in MY Heaven. Maybe Chris would rather have an angel jump out of broccoli. That might be kind of difficult though.

I miss Chris. I miss what he was to Hoop too, his best friend. Whenever we got in a fight, it was a comfort to know that Hoop had someone to vent to and that Chris would never say anything negative about me. He was that kind of person. You couldn't know the guy without loving him. There was always a part of me that was a little jealous of Chris too. It was tough living in that kind of shadow. It still is... Hoop went in to work at noon today and he won't be getting home until eight. It's just as well. He didn't feel like celebrating anyway. But I kind of do. Three years is a big deal to me. So I've decided to treat myself to something nice tonight.

Perhaps flowers, or a movie, or a batch of fat-filled cupcakes?

If you had $20 and two hours of alone time, what would you treat yourself to?

Pause

I was so deep in dream this morning when my alarm woke me, it literally felt like the bed was pushing me up from its middle. It was expelling me, like skin to a splinter. I was at the part in my dream where I realized our wedding was today and that nothing had been prepared. The DJ had just asked me what songs she should play and I was about to confess that I didn't give a damn. Somewhere between showering and dressing my brain rebooted, remembered that it was Thursday and that the wedding was still another month and a half away. Thank God.

But I'm afraid a part of myself remained in bed anyway. Maybe it watched me leave and then went back to sleep. Regardless, my body, here at work, is acting like its waiting for the reunion. It's not budging until it gets that missing piece back. I tried exercising at lunch. I tried feeding it. But it's stubborn. "Let's do some work," I tell it. We start in on some random spreadsheet and the next thing I know, we're googling recipes for pumpkin bread and it's two hours later. I feel ADD, without the neato hyperactivity.

I'm not depressed; I'm just not really that interested. Here's my confession, I haven't worked in two days. It's worse today than yesterday. I've been here, just not mentally. I don't know what I've done with the time either. Surely it wasn't anything productive. By the feel of things, it wasn't anything fun either. I'm on pause. Part of me is curious to see how long I can let it go on before there are consequences. Will there be consequences? In a place where no one knows all I do, where I could go three days without a conversation, consequences could be fun.

In Other News:
Blogtations has featured one of my quotes in a YouTube video! It's really well done, and I'm not just saying that because I'm bias. Go check it out. Seriously, there's nothing going on here anyway. ;)