Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta

Hoop had a dream last night that I cheated on him with a Gangster...

He was tipped off when I bought a bunch of "How To Make Gang Signs" books.

We played the new Grand Theft Auto last night before bed. You don't think that had anything to do with it, do you? Because I was getting pretty into it. For awhile I was just walking around knocking grocery bags out of people's hands and then running. Then I spent twenty minutes looking for a hooker before Hoop pointed out that it was daylight and they were probably all sleeping. Oh man, I can't wait to see the search terms I get from that sentence.

I had serious issues when it came to driving in the game though. It turned out to be a lot more complicated than real life. I tried to scratch my butt while turning and ended up on the wrong side of a cliff (the bottom). Then I *accidentally beat up a bum and the police came to get me. I tried to surrender but they shot me dead in the street anyway. Evidently, as in real life, cops are dicks. *I was attempting to steal his metal drum filled with fire and his face connected with my hand. Dude should have gotten out of my way.

Speaking of bums... If someone were to interview a bunch of bums and then publish their work, would you read it? *Cough* Theoretically speaking, of course. When I asked Hoop the same question he didn't answer. But he did suggest a title. "Bum Juice." Bum. Juice. I don't know either. I think he might be sniffing glue at work. Our receptionist just nonchalantly sent out a page that we should avoid a certain highway because the police are having a shootout. I just looked it up and according to the news, the shootout was with a bum.

Whoa.

Weekly Words Challenge 33!

The words for this week were One and Water.

How did you interpret them?

One

One - penny, friend, gigantic lemon, in a check, made with magnets, first born using one finger, on a house, on a briefcase lock, on a package, on a billboard.

A few close up...





Water and Gin

My new favorite drink.

The words for next week are:
Three
and
Fire

For the next two weeks we're going to be working with a mixed theme of numbers and elements. If you haven't joined the fun yet, go here for details. Don't forget we now have a Flickr group too. Everyone is welcome to join. Happy snapping!

Daily Etsy Pick:
Colored Fountain Tee
Gate To The Secret Garden Cuff

WTF Etsy?:
Metal Necklace
Zariah
Presents Opening Children

Sonday...

...the day after Sunday that should be Monday, if my brain actually chose to acknowledge it. But it hasn't. It would rather pretend it's a no-day. So please, excuse my vacant stare and drool. Pickled Beef will be back on schedule tomorrow with the WWC. Instead, why don't you head over to Sunshine's for the beginning of Blog Prom week? Today's featured post is on prom tunes!

Rated Arrrr, Mateys!

Around The Water Cooler:
Sales Guy 1: Kathy was telling me about this costume party she had last night.
Sales Guy 2: Costume party?
Sales Guy 1: It was an all girl costume party, if you know what I mean.
Sales Guy 2: Like... Pirate costumes?
Sales Guy 1: What? No! Like lingerie. I think they had blow-up dolls and stuff there too.
Sales Guy 2: Oh. Well, that makes more sense.
Tink: Really? Because I'm actually more confused.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(Dedicated to Mamatulip.)
Hoop: Bay-beeee.
Tink: Yeah?
Hoop: I need lovin'!
Tink: You're low?
Hoop: Uh-huh.
Tink: Want me to fill you up?
Hoop: Uh-huh. Right here. *Points to crotch*

Random Conversation:
Car Salesman: You'd be amazed what people tell me about the cars they bring in for trade.
Tink: Oh yeah?
Car Salesman: This one chick pulled up in a car that had a broken dashboard. She told me she'd busted it while having sex.
Tink: She told you that?
Car Salesman: So I got a good look at the chick, because you have to after hearing information like that.
Tink: Right.
Car Salesman: I came to the conclusion that the fella musta been trying to get away. Because that girl had dirt in her ears. Both of 'em! Nasty.

Have a fantastic weekend Homebloys!

Last Monday

My younger brother has a mind like a steel trap. He remembers everything. He won't let you forget it either. I'm STILL paying for the time I yelled at him not to come into my bedroom. He was four. We look very much alike, he and I. We came from different Fathers, but you'd never be able to tell just by looking at us. We were each born with a tiny flesh-colored birthmark on the apple of our right cheek. We have the same large front teeth and dirty blond hair that always looks wet. We even sound alike. But I was not built with the same memory. Day to day occurrences don't stick to my brain like fly paper. I can't even tell you what I wore on Monday.

What I remember are the details that everyone else's brains deem too trivial to keep. I remember how things smell and taste and sound just by thinking about them. Sometimes I don't even have to do that much. I'll be driving along and suddenly I'll smell my classroom from third grade. I'll be reading a book and recall the sound my Dad's alarm clock used to make. This afternoon I was getting a cup of coffee and suddenly I remembered the black trash bags my friend's crazy aunt used to throw out her door every Wednesday... Ten years ago. There was nothing special about them. Except maybe for the fact that we thought they contained dead bodies.

Her name was Dot. Crazy Aunt Dot to the two fifteen year old girls who watched her. Dot was a recluse. She never left her trailer at the u-bend of K's parents' driveway. She just threw her trash out every Wednesday for us to retrieve. "What do you think she does in there?" K asked me one morning as we smoked our cigarettes, waiting for our ride. "Maybe she sneaks out at night and kills people!" That's where it started. Poor Dot. We'd look through her windows when we thought she was sleeping. When she died, no one noticed until trash day came and there wasn't anything flung outside her doorway. That was all I knew about Dot. I forgot it just as quickly as it came.

Four years later, K moved into that trailer. Neither of us must have remembered Dot, because we didn't question any of the spots on the carpet. Instead, we got out paintbrushes and drew murals on the trailer walls. I drew a gigantic fairy. Later, when the paint was covered with more respectable colors, that mural was left and a frame was added around it. I wonder if anyone asks who drew it anymore. Next door to K's was her Grandmother's house. I remember K telling me that her Grandma ate meat raw, and that's why they wouldn't let her into McDonald's anymore. I'm sure it was meant to be taken differently. But I couldn't look at the woman without being a little afraid after that.

I don't think I'll ever have a story that's interesting enough to tell. Not a whole story anyway, not one with a middle and a plot. But I could fill volumes with details. I could tell you about the pig skull we found when I was eight while building a fort out of corn husks. It rose out of the mud, white and full of teeth. My friends and I were so scared, we ran away and never came back. I could describe in perfect detail the way hot metal smells after it's been sautered, or bleach when it mixes with the sticky residue of ice cream. I could tell you how to make my "world famous" sundae exactly how I made it when I was six. But for the life of me, I can't remember what I wore last Monday.

Maybe I'll remember it four years from now...

Weekly Words Challenge 32!

The words for this week were Five and Wind.

How did you interpret them?

Five


A couple close up...



Wind


(Random)

Table Pattern


Koi Pond


Koi Pond (In Fresco)


The words for next week are:
One
and
Water

For the next three weeks we're going to be working with a mixed theme of numbers and elements. If you haven't joined the fun yet, go here for details. Happy snapping!

Daily Etsy Pick:
Moron Plate
Bombs Away Tie

WTF Etsy?:
Awesome Orange Booger
Birth Control Charm Bracelet

Announcements!!

(Now with TWO exclamation points)

Mark your calendars homebloys. Next Monday starts the beginning of Sunshine's Second Annual Blog Prom. Last year I was voted most likely to spike the punch... and I DID. I know, it's like one of those "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" scenarios. You don't want to miss it. I might even bring real booze this time. Instead of just lemon extract, which is cheap and effective (168 proof!), but not very classy. So now the question is, who wants to be my date? I swear I won't puke in your car.

Here's the timeline:
Monday April 28 - Let's talk about our Prom theme songs.
Tuesday April 29 - Embarrassing Prom stories.
Wednesday April 30 - Favorite movie Prom scenes!
Thursday May 1 - Submitted Prom photos will be posted with links to participating bloggers.
Friday May 2 - PROM!

Also... The WWC now has a group on Flickr. Of course something that organized could never have come from my head. It was Stella's brilliant idea. The moment she suggested it I got ridiculously giddy, causing Hoop to think I had finally gone off the deep end. Instead of just suggesting I might, which is what I normally do. So please, join. Then we can be all clickish and buy jackets with our names on them!

I bought a few books this weekend. One of which was the newest and final book by Kurt Vonnegut, "Armageddon In Retrospect." If you've never read anything by him before, I would not suggest making this your first. But, if you're familiar with the author already, you need to add this one to your collection. One of the first sections of the book is the last speech he ever wrote. It was a speech he would not live to make. As his son so eloquently put, "Two weeks later he fell, hit his head, and irreversibly scrambled his precious egg." Now my paper friend is no more.

One of the best paragraphs in the book so far is this, "My advice to writers just starting out? Don't use semi-colons! They are transvestite hermaphrodites, representing exactly nothing. All they do is suggest you might have gone to college." Vonnegut was always wise like that. I finished another book over the weekend, "The Definitive Book Of Body Language." Everybody should invest in this little gem. Especially if you live with people, deal with people, or happen to be a person. All of which are perfectly fine. The only drawback is that Hoop keeps asking me if I'm analyzing him.

He's so paranoid...

There Are No Stupid Questions...

Just stupid conversations.

Not Far From The Tree:
Tink: You know what I hate?
Mom: What?
Tink: Commercials that portray women giggling over make-up. Who does that? I have NEVER giggled over make-up.
Mom: I giggle over make-up all the time. Is this wrong?
Tink: It is. You should definitely stop.

Around The Water Cooler:
Coworker: I just got attacked by a Blue Jay!
Tink: Maybe you were by its nest.
Coworker: Maybe. It dove at me when I went to the mailbox. Then it sat on the ground going, "Grrrrr."
Tink: Oh yeah? It was growling at you?
Coworker: Well... You know what I mean. It was acting like it wanted to growl at me.

Not Far From The Tree 2:
Mom: Want to go see a movie tomorrow?
Tink: Sure!
Mom: What's playing?
Tink: Um... "Leatherheads" is playing at 11:30 and "Smart People" is playing at 11:45.
Mom: What's "Smart People"? Wait. Is that a stupid question?

P.S. Twisted (Tink) has been updated with a new chapter, "The Sacrifice." Comments, suggestions, and critiques greatly appreciated! No seriously. I'm giving you permission to be brutal. Just no tomato throwing, OK? I'd hate to have to clean the blog again.

Have a fantastic weekend homebloys!

Lo-Cal Post

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: Oh no.
Hoop: What?
Tink: Itch!
Hoop: Where?
Tink: On my back.
Hoop: I'll get it.
Tink: Up. Up. Up. No, right. Down. Down. Ahhhhhhh.
Hoop: Better?
Tink: Oh yeah. Thank you! That was a bad one.
Hoop: Don't worry. I tracked it down and killed it.

I'm like butter baby. I must be on a roll!
The incredible and talented Jo gave me the "Better Than Butter" award last week. As usual, I'm just now getting around to acknowledging it. Thank you for spreading the love Jo! I'm honored to have you as a homebloy.



April Search Terms:
(What people type into search engines that gets them here)
Beef gangster They call me Tony Baloney Montana.
All hands on the poop desk Can I at least swab it first
diaper boy website
carmeltoe
uglies woman ever 3D I only recommend it for the blind.
arm wrastlin
Easter boobs

P.S. I'm halfway through the next Twisted Tink chapter. For those still following along, expect additions by the end of this week.

Weekly Words Challenge 31!

The words for this week were Closeup and Background.

How did you interpret them?

Background


Closeup


(Otter Spring Park)

Reflection

In 1958 they built a pool around this spring. But it's since been abandoned, home now to many types of plants and fish.



Old Lodge


Tree House


Jungle Trail!


(Fun At The Fair)

Happiness


Pure Oil


4H Art


Fancy Ducks


Frodo Goat


(Random Pictures)

Playing With Polymer Clay


New Do


(For Tequila Mockingbird)





The words for next week are:
Five
and
Wind

For the next four weeks we're going to be working with a mixed theme of numbers and elements. If you haven't joined the fun yet, go here for details. Happy snapping!

Daily Etsy Pick:
Thaumatrope Illusion Necklace

WTF Etsy?:
Arm Platter

T1ts & A55

Thanks to all who listened to Hoop bitch below about his horrible coworker.

Because if he mentioned her one more time to me, I was going to scream.

Speaking of Ginger, apparently she called out with Infantigo this morning. As in, that skin rash that generally only effects two through six year olds. Yeah, I think she's sleeping with her doctor.

I opened up my email box this morning to a bunch of interesting spam. By "interesting" I mean bizarre. How do spamers come up with this stuff? Do they have computer programs that generate random garbage? You'd think they would at least be equipped with spellcheck. I can understand the substitution of certain words, like "b@@bies" and "pen1s". But what's up with all the general grammatical errors? "Millionss of people accross the world have already tested THIS and ARE making their girlfriendds feel brand new sexual ssensations! YOU are the best in bed, aren't you?" Compliments from a stutterer perhaps?

Others are just pure nonsical. "There were four furnaces here, and they were all between plaisance and the coupee. What do you to thaw!" Wha? "A hedgehog to a lamb. If you had consulted me i should are like oil and wick exist, so long the light." Whatever you say, dude. Why don't they fill their emails with more interesting substance, like stories? They could even stuff them with subliminal messaging, or leave them with cliffhangers. "Once upon a time there was a beautiful business woman who had it all. But she was still unhappy. So she paid an under ground witch doctor to create a spell to..." Please click on link below to finish story.

LINK

Hoop and I had a pretty eventful weekend.

Friday night we went touring the area and got my SUV stuck in a ditch. I would like to add that Hoop was driving. I have no ideas of grandeur when it comes to my vehicle. I KNOW it's a piece of shit. After a half an hour of pushing, turning, and rocking the vehicle we resorted to destruction of public property. In short, I busted up an old barrier fence so I could lay down a track for my car to drive on. It didn't work. So much for being clever. Fed up and muddy, we decided to ask the local fishermen for help. They all declined. We must have looked pretty pathetic though, because one came back. With our powers combined... we got the stupid vehicle out.

Saturday afternoon we went to the county fair. We weren't expecting much, but it ended up being the best fair ever. There were sea lions there. Holy shit, SEA LIONS! They were right next to the Frisbee-catching dogs and the live butterfly exhibit. Afterward, we stopped by a nature park near our house we'd never noticed before. Evidently, we need to start being more observant. This park featured a sulfur spring, a beautiful view of the river, and tree houses. If it were better maintained, we might have even considered it for our ceremony location. A dilapidated lodge probably isn't the best backdrop for a wedding though.

Saturday night, Hoop and I drank beer and played with polymer clay. There have always been things I just assumed I'd be good at. Oddly, photography was never one of them. But for some strange (and obviously deluded) reason, I always believed I'd be a wiz with clay. And I am, if anyone is looking for a bunch of clay snakes or squiggles. I also make a mean circle. Sunday, Hoop and did yard work all day. For me, that constituted as yanking all the vines that have taken over our surrounding bushes and trees. By the time I was done, I had a four foot high pile and our shrubs looked rather naked. I think I scared one of the neighborhood kids on my way to the end of the driveway. Wrapped in vines, I looked like a large walking plant with arms.

How was your weekend?

GINGER

(Guest post by Hoop)

Hey everyone! I know it has been a long time since I have made a guest post, but it is necessary. Help would be very much appreciated. If you have ever been on the receiving end of this situation and are offended, I'm sorry. We have a very annoying, helpless, temperamental hypochondriac plaguing our office. We will call her "Ginger." She causes everyone to do more work and she is stressing out the manager beyond belief. She has called in sick 16 days so far this year but always presents a doctor's note. She won't stop asking questions. She always F's up. She is incapable of learning. She always has an excuse. She tries to transfer blame. She gets jealous and on and on and on...

The worst part is the other 5 of us are getting bad. The behind the back jokes are getting out of control. If she heard the bombs being dropped, surely she would take the old double barrel wrapped up in the rebel flag behind the seat of her boyfriend's duelly to her head. Granted, like a bear, it would take a few shots to penetrate to the brain and someone would have time to get help. Also assuming she could figure out how the gun worked. And that someone would help her. It is getting very ugly and this woman will not quit. We are in the lending business and we have way too many obstacles to overcome right now as it is. Our customers don't like her either. All she talks to them about is how our economy sucks. How can I get her to quit? I've assigned a heavy workload, but I find myself helping her do it.

Any other ideas?

Hoop

Overachiever Award

For those of you who went above and beyond the call of duty, I present to you this award!


Overachiever Award (Small)
<a href="http://pickledbeef.blogspot.com/2008/04/overachiever-award.html"><img style="WIDTH: 185px; CURSOR: hand" height="105" alt="" src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3279/2401499226_b23bf35ba5.jpg" border="0" /></a>


Overachiever Award (Large)
<a href="http://pickledbeef.blogspot.com/2008/04/overachiever-award.html"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3279/2401499226_b23bf35ba5.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>

It's not too late for you to get your hands on one of these nifty buttons. All you have to do is post a picture or pictures for one or both of the April Fools Day WWC words. For those who get to take this nerdy spork home with you today, please leave an acceptance speech below. Much love homebloys. Rock out with your spork out.

Weekly Words Challenge 30!

The words for this week were Smooth and Rough...

...and Espieglerie and Monkeyshine if you decided to participate in the April Fools Day challenge. Not me though. I knew I was joking.

How did you interpret them?

Smooth

A rum that encourages you to drink.

Rough


(Random Pictures)

Japanese Plums


Grapefruit Buds


Camouflage



The words for next week are:
Close-up
and
Background

If you haven't joined the fun, go here for details. Happy snapping!

Daily Etsy Pick:
Fat Ninja Postcards

WTF Etsy?:
Naked Lady Mobile
Gigantic Bug Ring

Pride For Sale

Weekend Recap:
1. How low does someone have to get to sell their Mother's burial plot on Craigslist?
2. What about the wedding ring off their still-married hand?
3. In the past few months I've seen numerous postings for cars, jewelry, and wedding dresses all under the headline of "Lost job. Must sell!"
4. But today there was such a sadness in their posts. As if they were really saying, "Please don't make me do this."
5. How can anyone deny that we're in a recession?
6. I'm currently looking for a new car. Mine is costing me as much as a second mortgage each month.
7. Despite the fact that it guzzles gas and oil, both back tires are bald and losing air, that it has a severe coolant leak and that it can't go faster than 70mph without losing control...
8. I'll be sad to see it go.
9. Hoop keeps asking me what I want to get next. As in, "What color? What kind? How big?" My answer of "cheap" and "runs well" apparently isn't good enough.
10. I'll drive anything. No seriously.
11. If you wanted to strap on some wheels and could get me to work in under an hour, I'd pay YOU each month. You wouldn't even have to change out of your PJs.
12. Saturday morning we ate wedding cake!
13. After a month of anticipating and planning, my Mom backed out last minute. If she was waiting for me to reschedule because of her, it didn't happen. I had cake on the brain.
14. We decided on three tiers, each a different flavor. The bottom layer is going to be Hoop's favorite, vanilla with raspberry filling. The second layer is going to be almond and the third is going to be key lime flavored. Mmmm.
15. I took extras to Hoop's Mom and then finished off the rest for breakfast the next morning.
16. I'm wondering if I can do it again in a couple months. I might have to get my dress let out.
17. Besides being sold on the actual taste of the cakes, the ladies running the place were amazing. Neither had gotten more than an hour of sleep the night before. One due to baking and the other because of a concert. But instead of being dull, we chatted and laughed for over an hour.
18. Don't worry, I relieved Hoop halfway through. He didn't even hesitate on his way to the comic store next door.
19. Yesterday, Hoop and did some much needed house work and watched all three Lord Of The Rings movies.
20. I'm officially overdosed on LOTR.
21. Although I really shouldn't complain about watching Orlando Bloom for twelve hours straight.
22. There are worse things... ;)

How did your weekend go?

Mahalo March

March Hit Statistics:
1. The primary day for hits was Tuesday. WWC!
2. The most popular hour being 3pm.
3. The top referrers were Karen and Reb.
4. The most used search term was, "butt flu."
5. My favorite search terms were "Cmon tink, you know I was just kidding," and "pus filled neck wound."
6. The highest hit post (301) was on March 25th, the first day back from our vacation.

31 Quirks For 31 Days:
1. I have old lady hands.
2. That's why I don't wear more rings.
3. Although I own a whole jewelry box full. I pull them out and admire them some weekends. But after that, back into the box they go.
4. When I was small, my friend and I used to throw crab apples at his uncle's trailer...
5. ...who was autistic.
6. We didn't know that back then. All we knew was that he was a little odd.
7. He couldn't do anything for himself, but he could tell you every song and album name of any artist you mentioned...
8. ...and he had a wicked album collection.
9. I only chew crunchy things on the left side of my mouth.
10. I still collect stickers.
11. When no one is in the office, I walk around and fantasize about all the things I could steal.
12. But I never do.
13. I always tip, even when the service sucks.
14. I used to wish the same wish on ever falling star, tossed coin, and birthday candle. I wonder sometimes if that's why it came true.
15. When I was 18 I worked in a shoe store. They required me to wear nice clothes that I couldn't afford. So on the days I worked alone, I used to wear the new shoes around the store and put them back in the box before I went home.
16. My stoner Dad used to end every conversation with the words, "Peace, love, dove."
17. It drove me fucking crazy.
18. I still wonder why my first Step Dad never loved me.
19. I prefer the taste of coffee out of Styrofoam cups.
20. But I try to go green every where else.
21. Too bad most eco-friendly products suck.
22. When I was in the 9th grade I wrote the poem I wanted on my grave.
23. "Here lies a girl of love and light. God called to her and she took flight." Gag.
24. I've since changed my mind. I'd much rather it read:
25. "What are you looking at?!"
26. Maybe they could even include a picture of me on the tomb with eyes that follow people around.
27. One isn't the loneliest number...
28. Zero is. That poor guy doesn't even know HIMSELF.
29. I have so few friends my own age, I'm not sure how people my age are supposed to act.
30. I love objects with bird and fish patterns on them.
31. Yet I own neither.
*32. I have a hard time telling the taste of apples and pears apart.

P.S. One of the girls I was subbing for came back today! Hopefully this means I'll have time to work on Twisted Tink again. Updates to come.

Have a fantastic weekend Homebloys!

Friday Countdown Starts NOW

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: Look what fell out of the dryer.
Hoop: My work key!
Tink: You don't want to forget that again.
Hoop: Stick it in my butt crack so I don't forget it.
Tink: *Shrug* Ok.
Hoop: No. No! Not really!
Tink: You shouldn't tease me like that.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Hoop: Shit!
Tink: What's wrong?
Hoop: My shirt just ripped.
Tink: Do you have any others clean?
Hoop: Nope.
Tink: Just tell them you did it in the car.
Hoop: Smart thinking!
Tink: We really need to get you more clothes.
Hoop: I know.
Tink: Because that excuse is only going to work one time.

Pimp My Award:
Ginni Dee gave me the "E" award last Friday and (like the slacker that I am) I'm just now getting around to acknowledging it. So, thank you Ginni!

As is customary, I'm passing this prestigious award on to the below 10 people:
(Jebus... TEN?)
Butterfly Girl
Penelope Anne
Sparkling Red
Flutter
Knight
Gary
Reb
Tequila Mockingbird
LL
Scarlet Blue

P.S. The WWC words for next Tuesday have been reposted. They are SMOOTH and ROUGH. Espieglerie and Monkeyshine were just my lame attempt at an April Fool's joke. Although, if you'd like to try your skill on either, I'll give you 20 extra spork points! Which are good for absolutely nothing besides bragging rights. Ah well.

Weekly Words Challenge 29!

The words for this week were Shiny and Era.

How did you interpret them?

Every woman wants a SHINY new...

...purse car?

ERA

I bought this 1940's Stetson for a Pimp and Ho ball back in 2005. I secretly just wanted a reason to get it.

(So You Want To Be A Gangster?)




It's great for posing.

The words for next week are:
Espieglerie Smooth
and
Monkeyshine Rough

If you haven't joined the fun, go here for details. Happy snapping!

Daily Etsy Pick:
Waffle Plushie

Did you seriously just click that?