If "worry" were a food...

...I'd be fat.

5 Minutes Of Random Thoughts:
Start. We live in the age of quizzes and tests. All meant to stimulate, entertain and scare the shit out of us. According to the Death Test, I'm going to die on November 25th 2036 at the young age of 53. The probable cause of death? Cancer, homicide, or ELECTROLYSIS. Who knew hair removal procedures were so dangerous! And if you believe Doprah's RealAge Test, I'm already a 26.15 year old trapped in the body of a 23 year old. Which means I only have 26.85 more years to publish a book, win the lotto, run for president, discover Atlantis, and take over the world. Talk about pressure. Do you think I could finally rent a car if I prove I'm already past the age of 25, mentally? "Excuse me. This test says I'm well past the required age... What do you mean it's not legit? Pffft, the internet doesn't lie." Or college? I own my own house and they STILL want to see my parents tax statements before qualifying me for a grant. Speaking of money. You know what? Money sucks... I'm ready to go back to the barter system. How many ears of corn do you think it would take to buy a house? End.

Today's Spam Mail:
Carnivore Carne from Joshua Nguyen
Orbit Joyful from Lawrence Knox
Facial Drain from Sandy Pickler

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: Please quit playing with that lighter.
Hoop: Sorry. It's habit.
Tink: What is it with boys and fire?
Hoop: I had a friend in grade school who accidentally caught some woods on fire.
Tink: See?
Hoop: I also had a friend who drank a bottle of peroxide.
...
Hoop: And a friend who stuck a ruler in an electrical outlet.
...
Hoop: And a frie-
Tink: -Holy shit. Shut up!
Hoop: What?

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: Do you mind if I pack everything from the bedroom closet?
Hoop: No, go ahead.
...
Hoop: You're not just packing my stuff so you can kick me out and keep it, are you?
Tink: *Blink* Yes, Hoop. You've figured me out. I only wanted you for your collection of stray game controllers and old baseball trophies.
Hoop: I knew it!

"Get Out Of Monday- Free" Card

I came back to the blog this morning and realized nothing on my To-Do list had been accomplished, not the flashy new header, not the post sorter, and no one alphabetized my pens by brand and color. Evidently, and this may come as a shock to some of you, I don't HAVE a staff!

Weekend Recap:
1. Hoop and I got in a lengthy discussion on the way out of X-Men 3 over which superpower was the most unbelievable.
2. We agreed it was Multiple Man's.
3. Cyclops didn't even make the list.
4. Everyone knows a man who shoots lasers out of his eyes is totally plausible. Duh.
5. Sunday, we went to look at horses with the family.
6. The horses' owner had a pet Chihuahua who was both deaf and blind...
7. ...and ran into walls A LOT.
8. I tried to mow the knee-high grass in our backyard yesterday.
9. The mower choked 8 times. "@*!#?"
10. But I kept on trying...
11. ...until it started smoking. "That's it, I'm done."
12. I was greeted at my door Saturday by two well dressed people who handed me a "complimentary" 2 liter of Pepsi.
12. I thought they were Jehovah's Witnesses.
13. Or Taste Testers.
14. Or Rapists.
15. They were really Vacuum Salesmen.
16. When I wouldn't let them in my house one of them got down on their hand and knees in the dirt and begged.
17. So he didn't notice when I slammed the door.
18. I woke up this morning to Hoop yelling that he'd stepped in dog shit.
19. So what did I do? I got up and cleaned it off for him.
20. If that ain't love I don't know what is.


Contest courtesy of Odd Mix:

Remembrance:

Hoop's grandfather has Alzheimers. He built this bird house village back when he was well. Now, he barely remembers making them.

(Some random weekend pictures)

One Eared Pup?


The View


Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: You are such a Perv.
Tink: I'M the Perv? Whatever, Perver.
Hoop: Perver?
Tink: Yeah. Kind of like, "Dumb and Dumber."

Today's Spam Mail:
Boundless from Sue Alford
Shun Allotment from Cecily Milligan
Snappy Backyard from Kit Bennett
Poplar Jellyfish from Frank Maloney
Slobber Register from Persy Davila

Not Far From The Tree:
Mom: *Hands over two stones*
Tink: What are these for?
Mom: They're "Sex Rocks."
Tink: "Sex Rocks?"
Mom: Yup.
...
Tink: Ok. WHY are they "Sex Rocks?"
Mom: Cause they're just fucking rocks.

Things That Make You Go, "WTF?":
1. That was like the Cirque du Soleil of sex. Only the clowns were drunk.
2. Elderly lesbians make me think of curtains made out of old roast beef, slapping together.
3. There were Llamas, Turkeys, and Ostriches... And that was just the petting zoo.
4. It's the aliens. They're coming to abduct you.
5. Drunk people always claim to see pink elephants.

Leave A Message

The staff of Pickled Beef will not be back until Tuesday. If you're having an emergency blog craving, please turn to one of the lovely blogs at the right.

Beep.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: If you'd done it-
Hoop: DONE it?
Tink: I mean... No, that's right. I said "you'd" before it.
Hoop: "You'd" isn't a word.
Tink: Yes it is! It's a contraction of "you had."
Hoop: *Chuckles* You'd.
Tink: Shut up. I'm right. *Sings* Oops, you'd done it again.
Hoop: What are you doing?
Tink: I was just checking.
Hoop: And?
Tink: So, it's hick sounding.
Hoop: Uh huh.
Tink: I'm still right!

Courtesy of Odd Mix:

In honor of the Memorial holiday, the words for this weekend are:

Duty
Remembrance

So get snapping!

Today's Spam Mail:
Axiom Mormon from Thomas Blankenship
Radium Laborious from Nora Castillo
Lipstick Pedal from Mary Links
(One of these is made up. Can you guess which one?)

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: The words for this weekend's photo contest are "Duty" and "Remembrance."
Hoop: For "duty" you could take a really artistic picture of all that dog crap in our yard.
Tink: What?! *Laughs* Ohhh, I get it. I said DUTY, d-u-t-y. Not DOODIE, d-o-o-d-i-e. Ya nerd.

Daily Hoop Conversation 3:
Hoop: I don't understand the Rambo sequels.
Tink: Why's that?
Hoop: In the first one, Rambo goes insane and chases after an innocent man. So what does the government do in the second one? They hire him. The man should have been locked up in a loony bin to rot.
Tink: They should have made him break out or something.
Hoop: I'm going to make a new Rambo movie.
Tink: Oh yeah? You could call it, "Rambo 1.5."
Hoop: Or, "Rambo 4: 2 and 3 never happened."

DOT: Twisted Tink has been updated with a new chapter, "A History Lesson" So fill your mug and click on over to fill your head. Just be careful of the Dogwood trees.

P.S. I'm not sure if the story is flowing well anymore, as it's been awhile since I read it in its entirety. I'm going to look it over this weekend and possibly make some changes. Feel free to comment if you see some holes in the plot that need to be mended.

Have a fabulous weekend!

Fit For A King

I almost cancelled the appointment with out real estate agent last night. "You have to look at this house I found you," Mom insisted. So we went. The description read, "Master bed and bath fit for a King!" I think "King" was their way of glorifying "Man." The bathroom had TWO showers in it. One was a typical tiled tub and shower. The other (right next to it) was a large, open, plastic monstrosity. I tried to find a picture for you... Word to the wise, don't type "shower models" into Google. You will NOT get "models of showers."

The bathroom had only one sink, with barely enough counter around it to hold it in. I mean, where's a girl supposed to place her hair crap and make-up? I mentally tore down one of the showers and replaced it with a double sink. I demolished the existing sink and replaced it with a fancy towel cabinet. Normally I would have passed on a house that needed work. But despite the odd bathroom, the house sat on the most gorgeous lot you could ever imagine. Hoop and I were sold before we even entered the house. Imagine sitting on your porch and looking down into a wooded valley, a prairie Sanctuary.

It has no garage. It's in the middle of NOWHERE, 40 minutes away from civilization. The rooms are huge. The main bathroom is bizarre. It's on a winding dirt road with no street lights. It's 5 minutes away from my parents. So if you think we've lost our bloody minds, you're probably right! But then again, you haven't seen this view. It practically seduces you to stop breathing altogether. I could list off a million pros and cons about the house, the same ones that kept me from sleep last night. But I'm not going to say anymore. I'm not going to get my hopes up and I'm not going to jinx this. Just... cross your fingers for us OK?

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: *Burp*
Hoop: I can top that. *Fart*
Tink: That's not fair. They're in totally different categories! Get your own division.
Hoop: What is this, the Gas Olympics?

May Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. Ow Blog I'm so sorry. Please don't sue. Bad Blog! Bad!
2. Tigon stupid reek like poo Tigon think you reek too.
3. Intense orga Sims If you can't spell it, you shouldn't have it.
4. crude jokes Sweet!
5. really crude jokes Alright.
6. amazing jokes crude We get it already!

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: What do you think of this house?
Hoop: It's got power poles in front of it.
Real Estate Agent: So?
Hoop: I'd like to keep all my hair and limbs, thank you.
Real Estate Agent: *Confused stare*
Tink: You DO realize the Oblongs are a cartoon right?
Hoop: No, that shit really happens!

Thought Bubble

Do you know what I think?
Stop guessing.
I know you don't.

I think the only reason Britney Spears is having another baby is because she screwed up the first one so badly... It's like a "Do-Over."

I know, it's really not fair to make fun of people who are such easy targets. But if it wasn't her, it would be Ms. Lohan. And let's face it. She's the kind of gal that makes you want to teach your sons to date ugly girls. She's a downer. At least Britney is funny in the, "Hey-look-at-the-redneck" kind of way and not the, "Please-let-her-choke-on-that-silver-spoon-she-does-crack-with" kind of way.

Enough smut. Well, at least the celebrity variety. Mine is way more real.

F is for Fight: You might remember two weeks ago when another student and I made the decision to drop our horrid Algebra Two class, barely two days into the semester. Since we'd missed the window for removing ourselves, we were instructed to write a letter of petition to the Vice President of Student Affairs. I got a response back yesterday.

"Your petition to have voided Algebra Two has been DENIED."

Evidently it's not good enough to have paid for a service that wasn't rendered. The girl who dropped with me was informed by her counselor that death or surgery would have been the only valid excuse. Neither of us can get ahold of the V.P. personally. So... It's war. I had a GPA of 3.33 before I entered this class. I didn't even stay two days and it has ruined me. The school is nothing but a scam, a clever ploy to get your money.

And I'm sure our local paper would love to hear about it.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: Make my chin more square.
Tink: I'm trying to fix your eyes right now.
Hoop: Don't they have better mouths?
Tink: It's not going to be exact Hoop.
Hoop: If it has MY name on it, I want it to look like me.
Tink: Jesus, it's a Sim! I thought you weren't interested in this stuff.
Hoop: Well I just wanted to help you get it right.
Tink: Uh huh. Can I have my game back?
Hoop: In a minute babe. I'm working on my hairline.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
(While watching Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children)
Tink: Is that a condom?
Hoop: What? No, I think it's an armband.
Tink: Oh.
Hoop: What the hell are those glowing orbs?
Tink: I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out the plot.
Hoop: There's a plot?!
Tink: Oh my God. Alright, we have to turn this off.
Hoop: Good. That piano music was getting on my nerves.
Tink: You know why I don't like Japanamation films? Even when they interpret them for you, they STILL don't make sense!

And for the hell of it...

Cravings

Sometimes house hunting is like being diabetic and wanting candy. I was out from 5 to 9:30 last night looking at four very beautiful houses that were entirely out of my price range. I almost had myself convinced that I could afford them too. I called Mom on the way back. "No Tink. You can't," was all she said. And that's all it took. Suddenly I felt anxious to get home. "What the hell am I doing?" I asked Hoop when he got off of school. "Sure, this house is tiny. Sure, it has no land and no garage. But we're 25 minutes away from the beach and I OWN it. Maybe I'm an idiot. Would you tell me if I were an idiot?"

He said I'm not an idiot.

He also says I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, so...

A year ago I knew I was due for a change. Back then it was like rain on the horizon. It was comforting and distant enough not to stress over. But now? Now it's like a lightening storm going off in my head. I feel gullible and volatile all at once. Tell me I can afford a mansion. Tell me I'll have horses and goats and geese. Tell me I can fucking fly and I swear I'll try to believe you. "The mortgage on this house would only be such-n-such a month," my real estate agent says. I look around and see the dogs in the yard and handprints on the walls and our plates on the shelves. What I keep missing is the dollar signs in her eyes.

"Well such-n-such is 75% of my monthly income," I whisper.

And then I forced myself to mentally shut the door on this beautiful dream.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(Through text messages)
Tink: How's your day going?
Hoop: Fine. That's weird. I picked up my phone right when you text because I had a feeling you were going to send one.
Tink: Mwahahaha. My plan for us to join brain waves is almost complete! Now you're STUCK with me.
Hoop: Wow. That's kind of scary babe. You know, you don't really have to go through all that trouble.
Tink: Hmph. Fine. Spoil my master plan.
Hoop: Oh alright. You can keep working on your mad scientist project if it makes you happy.
Tink: It does.

Today's Spam Mail:
Megaton from Rosamund Riddle
Follow Fatuous from Leo Brooks
Silent Wrapper from John Banks

2 Minutes Of Random Thoughts:
Start. They say that "Diamonds are a girl's best friend." They also say, "A dog is a man's best friend." So is that why they make jeweled dog collars? I just don't get it. Maybe it's because my dog will gladly wear bandanas, string, underwear, and toilet paper bows around her neck if I let her. She'll also roll around in dirt and dead animals if I don't watch her. And her look is distinctly that of a diseased Gremlin. So... I don't think a fancy collar is going to make that much of a difference. Not to mention I'm too broke to afford my own bling, let alone some for my ugly dog. End.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Hoop: Ooooh, lingerie.
Tink: We can't afford it.
Hoop: What if you just tried some on, and then we ran back to the car for a quickie?
Tink: Ah ha ha! What is wrong with you?
Hoop: I'm a man. EVERYTHING is wrong with me.
...
Hoop: So?
Tink: No Hoop.

The Fuckit Point

To quote Hoop, "Once you hit the 'Fuckit Point' there's no turning back." It's Monday. At sometime during the drive to work my motivation went kamikaze and threw itself from the car.

Talkin' Tongues: On the way back from my parents house Saturday I saw a church with the sign, "Da Vinci Code Session Sundays." It was right across the street from the church that announced, "Halloween hurts Jesus" back in October. Did I mention? I live on a Bible Belt. I'm about the last hole, which places my parents at the buckle. Their little town has two stop lights, one grocery store, and thirty-four churches. 90% of the houses in their town have 10 Commandment signs in their yards. They're even at the local restaurants and stuck to the back of cars.

When they moved there, my Mom was afraid that people would turn on her for having a Pro-Kerry bumper sticker. She outright refused to attach the Darwin Fish I bought her. Florida country folk tend to be a little narrow minded. I don't think many even realize there are more religions than just their own. Whenever they notice my fish I hear, "Thas a strange lookin' Jesus fish you got der. It has legs!" And then they laugh like I'm just some crazy kid. School systems there try to incorporate the bible into history lessons. "Slavery? Well that reminds me of Jesus. He was a slave too!"

Last night Hoop and I went to see "The Da Vinci Code." I read the book when it first came out, sparking six months of extensive research on the subject. So of course I set myself up for the movie to be a big disappointment. I love Tom Hanks. But he was not the right person to be playing this role. It was also a little irritating that the focus of the movie was more on the characters than the history. I was deep in thought when we got up to leave. It was Hoop who pointed out that something was wrong. Of all the people leaving the theatre, not a single one spoke. The crowd that left was as silent as a parade of mimes. It was almost like they were scared.

When we got home Hoop and I talked for two hours on the topic of religion. He's always trying to stretch my brain with all kinds of "what ifs." What if God didn't make us? What if WE made God? What if the only thing keeping the government stable is religion? What if there is no meaning to life? What if the only reason we exist is simply because of our instinct to survive? What if the idea of heaven and hell was just created to keep us from misbehaving? What if this is it? Questions with no answers. Questions that only lead to more questions.

I feel like I'm getting practice for parenthood. :)

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(While at our favorite hole-in-the-wall coffee shop)
Employee: Excuse me! If you want to sit down in the lounge you must be a member.
Tink: A member?
Employee: Yes. We're now a V.I.P. coffee lounge. You must pay a $10 membership fee to join.
Tink: A fee? What about the tourists?
Employee: *Shrugs*
Hoop: So let me get this straight... You want us to PAY to sit on your stinky couches in your dark and dank room sipping on coffee we've already paid for?
Employee: I'm sorry. It's the new policy.
Hoop: You poor bastard. You must get awfully tired of people laughing in your face. I hope they pay you well.


Contest courtesy of Odd Mix:

Mirror

Missing


(And some random weekend pictures)

The Bridge At Night

Big Bug

Tink, On The Rocks

Thank the Noodle God above, today is FRIDAY! I have painters coming over tomorrow to appraise the house. Sadly, that means my night is going to consist of dusting and toilet scrubbing. Fortunately... I plan on doing it drunk. I figure I can con Hoop into helping if I get him drunk first, and then make him think it was HIS idea.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: I love you Sugar-Pie.
Hoop: Did you just call me "Sugar-Pie?"
Tink: Yeah, it's an original pet name.
Hoop: I love you too, um... Angel-Tits.

May Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. Betty rubble laugh My secret is out.
2. It's dildo it vibrates a bit Some even change temperature. Ooooo. Aaaaah.
3. What happened to tink and the red dot That's right folks! I'm going to be starring in my own Tampax commercial!
4. Sunshine cupcakes Screw you.

Today's Spam Mail:
Climb Colonial from Portia Peterson
Decentralize TLC from Rupert Groves
Parcel Fearlessness from Roddy Mcghee

Things That Make You Go, "WTF?":
1. He's not going to marry you! He's still kicking the tires.
2. You'd be a really hot fat girl.
3. I'd give it all up just to have a third arm.
4. There's only one culture I don't understand and that's "Redneck."

Courtesy of Odd Mix:

The words for this week are...*Drum Roll*

Mirror
Missing

So get snapping!

DOT: Twisted Tink has been updated with a new chapter, "The Loneliest Number." If you get a chance, flit on over and let me know what you think. Suggestions and compliments comments are always appreciated!

Have a fabulous weekend!

P.S. To the comments I didn't get a chance to answer...

Deb: My Mom has 10 dogs because she used to be a breeder. When she decided to quit, due to cost, difficulty, and bad genetics, she realized they had all become pets. She couldn't decide which to get rid of, so she didn't get rid of any at all.

MrsPao: You can get Cake Batter ice cream at "Cold Stone Creamery." Hopefully you have one near you. The stuff is addictive!

Back To Basics

White Flag: After everything that happened yesterday, would you believe Mom called this morning to ask if Hoop could watch the dogs while we're gone? I just stood there, staring at the phone. Yesterday DID happen right?! Because I feel like I'm dreaming. "I'll pay him $500 and we'll make a kennel for them outside." She said it like it was a new idea.

When I called Hoop to forewarn him he sighed and said, "I'll probably just do it. I could buy something nice for myself with the money." What? NO. Not after I fought so hard yesterday. This, coming from the man who honestly thought my Mom was just trying to ensure he stayed out of trouble while we're gone. I feel like a super hero. Only one with some pathetic power like... "The ability to run in circles and not fall down!"

Thank you again guys, for being so supportive and wonderful. I couldn't ask for better friends.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: When we move I'm buying a new TV.
Tink: Yeah? I'm buying a vacuum cleaner.
Hoop: That sounds...fun, babe.
Tink: I need a new one. Ours sucks.
...
Tink: Well technically it DOESN'T. That's the problem.

InADvisable: Thank you Folioweekly for providing the blog fodder.

Women Seeking Men:

NEED GOOD FRIEND. Seeking friend, companion, older, for fun, telephone, coffee, and some computer "know how." "Computer know how?" Cut the crap. You're just looking for a free technician.

Men Seeking Women:

BRING OUT THE FLAVOR. Shake your tree and fill your fruit, taste brand new to heal your fresh, add to the good life. I bring out the flavor; it's your world, best if I keep freshness at a maximum. I feel like we should all be snapping our fingers...and doing drugs. How exactly does one "keep freshness at a maximum?" I keep picturing his pickle in a Ziploc. It's not sexy dude, it's scary.

ANTIQUES. Estate sales. Garage Sales. Old Houses. Single white male seeks woman interested in weekend adventures. Looking for gems among junk. Oh-ho. A metaphor. I get it! By "junk" you mean the kind of people who place ads here. The "gems" being the people who read them and make fun of all you sorry asses, right? Good Luck.

SEXY HANDSOME GUY. Looking for nice, sweet girl. Must be 18 to 30 and compromise in everything. I am waiting patiently for your response. Don't be shy; my door is open for you ever and ever. What's that? Hold on a second. Oh? Uh huh. Ok, I'll tell him. Katie Holmes is saying, "Call me!"

YOU, ME AND POONIEL. If you recognize the reference you are probably a good match. Former hippie gone to the dark side. All my hair and teeth, most of my brain cells. Seeking similar yin to my yang. Roll the dice? You know you live in the south when people feel the need to assure you they have all their teeth.

I Saw You:

MARTINIS. You: sexy, provocative mother at Martinis last Saturday. Me: handsome drunk man standing by the door. You liked my Lynyrd Skynyrd Jack Daniels shirt. Me too slow, you started humping nasty guy at bar. Should have grabbed you first. A drunk chick humping some nasty guy at the bar? I mean... HOW could you let her get away?!

FUELED BY SPARKS. TSI Monday nights. You: kitty faced blonde waxing poetic about bloodshed. Me: bespectacled red-head with Tourette's syndrome and lots of bruises. We wont always be homeless, and we have a long swampy summer ahead of us! I think I have multiple personalities... Because this ad could have come from nowhere else but my deranged head. That or my new best friend. Although multiple personalities would explain the black outs.

BEAUTIFUL BANKER. You: beautiful curly-haired blonde leaving Jacksonville Bank Downtown. Me: Tall, dark and handsome wearing Oceanwaves and reading Folio Weekly on the corner. You could've been a model. Call me. I want to make a deposit in your bank. You know, you were doing alright until that last line. I ALMOST thought you were a nice guy. "Make a deposit in your bank." Pfft. I'd like to wear your face as shoes.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Hoop: Did you see that commercial?
Tink: Which one?
Hoop: For the male enhancement drugs?
Tink: I didn't know I should've been paying attention to it hon.
Hoop: One of the possible side effects was BLINDNESS.
Tink: Wow. That's awful!
Hoop: So it's true... You CAN go blind from too much masturbation.

As The Blog Turns

I almost didn't post today.

I don't really have anything funny to say.

In fact, I'm feeling quite the opposite of funny today.

But then I started thinking... You all have shared your bad days with me. You've raged, hurt, mourned and fought. I didn't love you any less for being human. In fact, I found I loved you more for sharing. So I hope you all will understand. I hope you can forgive me.

The family has been planning a trip to California for almost a year now. The tickets are bought. The hotel rooms are booked. I haven't been on a vacation longer than four days since I was 16. Just us: Mom and Papa Bear, Gma and Gpa, Lil' Bit and Big Bit, and me. Hoop was invited, but can't go. I have two weeks of vacation to his one, and he decided to use his days for the week of his graduation from Business school instead.

I can't tell you the last time I went on vacation with my family. I'm always excluded because someone has to watch the house and their 10 dogs. I don't mean to sound bitter. I understand how difficult and expensive it would be to board them all. But for once I was really excited not to be in charge of it. And then Mom asked me if Hoop would mind. "I'll pay him $100 a day!" For a moment even I was convinced it was a good idea. And then it dawned on me how much it wasn't.

Let me color in the lines a little bit for you. Hoop would have to get up at 5:30 to let all 12 (including our 2) dogs out. He'd have to leave by 6 to make it to work at 7, work for 11-13 hours and leave directly from work to drive an hour back to my parent's house. He'd spend the remainder of the night in the middle of nowhere with absolutely no one to talk to but 12 dogs. Then it would start all over in the morning. Not to mention the weekend. And then there's school on Tuesdays until 10:30 PM. The dogs would be caged for 17 hours.

When I mentioned all of this to Mom she suggested Hoop take some days off work without pay. "We'll compensate him." I tried to make her understand how irrational that idea was for a sales guy in the middle of summer. They'd fire him. "We'll build a kennel outside so the dogs won't be caged so long." For every problem I came up with, she had an answer. I proposed the idea to Hoop. "No," was all he said. "No?" "No, it's much too difficult with my schedule. Besides, I'd like to go out with the guys during that weekend." I couldn't blame him. He had every right.

I sat in the bathroom crying. No one tells my Mom "No." She doesn't understand that word. She'll be mad at me. She'll be furious at Hoop. She'll take it as an insult to the family. Families help each other out. Which almost always boils down to sacrificing yourself when the occasion arises. I can't let Hoop lose face in front of my family. But I can't disappoint my Mom. They have no other options.

So I've decided to stay. I was a fool to think I'd have gotten off so easily.

I stayed up all night. I smoked. I cried. I thought about driving to nowhere. Somewhere between Conan O'Brien and the start of infomercials I realized, "The only way to make everyone happy is by making yourself miserable. You can't think of everyone AND yourself." And then I lied. I came into work this morning and emailed a horrible lie to my own Mom. "I'm not going to be able to get the vacation days after all. So I'll be able to watch the dogs if you use the money you would have paid Hoop to reimburse my ticket."

Not five minutes later came her response, "That's bullshit! They can't take away your vacation days. Call me right now." But I can't. I can't lie to her in person. 30 minutes, an hour, two has ticked by. "What do I do?!" I text Hoop. "Tell her the truth. She'll get over it." No she won't. She'll be hurt. She'll be mad. She'll be stuck. He doesn't even care. My thoughts are a blender of all the words they've fed to me.

I can't even self destruct properly!

(Hoop) "I'm either going to go out with the guys that Friday or Saturday. But you don't have to worry. I'll behave."
(Tink) "That's nice."

(Tink) "I'll just stay. It'll be easier for me to watch the dogs since I won't be working."
(Hoop) "Aw babe. Well you know I'll come visit you."

(Mom) "If I board them then I'll have to get them all caught up on vaccinations too. I can't afford that."

(Hoop) "I'll watch them, for you."
(Tink) "But I don't want to make you do something you don't want to."
(Hoop) "Then I'll just tell your Mom 'No' and she'll have to get over it."
(Tink) "But then what will she do with the dogs?"

(Tink) "If I tell her I lied, then I can't lie again. It's done."

B.L.A.H.

(Bored.Lethargic.Apathetic.Horny.)

It's one of those days.

A Window To My World:
Normal: The dog tearing up his stuffed animal...
MY Normal: ...and watching Hoop give it CPR.
Normal: House hunting.
MY Normal: Rating the houses solely on bathroom size.
Normal: Declining a house.
MY Normal: And then asking to buy their furniture instead.
Normal: Paying to go horseback riding...
MY Normal: ...on the back of a mule.
Normal: Getting cut on something sharp.
MY Normal: Getting cut by the flimsy plastic CD tray on my computer.
Normal: Pointing at my eye.
MY Normal: But getting so close I poke it instead.
Normal: Writing a snotty email about my boss to a co-worker.
MY Normal: And then coping it to him as well.
Normal: Apologizing for the above.
MY Normal: Telling him I did it on purpose.

May Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. bowflex grandmother That woman amazes and disgusts me.
2. doggie adhd Maybe we can put our hellions together and see if they can wear each other out.
3. "everyone knows it's dildo" It starts... 'Bout time!
4. a marvelous dong Are you bragging or looking?
5. "i lived in toledo, ohio" I am so sorry.

TAGGED by Arabella:

1. First name? Tawanda! Ok, that was a lie. It's Cristen.
2. Were you named after anyone? Nope
3. Do you wish on stars? Only if they're falling
4. When did you last cry? Last night during Grey's Anatomy. Although I don't know whether it was over Denny dying or the pure stupidity of Meredith.
5. Do you like your handwriting? No. Because the only time I ever see it is during school, scribbled over twelve pages of notes.
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Honey Ham. Mmmmmm *Drool*
7. When is your birthday? January, the age of Aquarius.
8. What is your most embarrassing CD? Free Willy. No shit. It was my first CD, followed by Wayne's World.
9. If you were another person would you be friends with you? In the words of Napoleon Dynamite, "Heck Yes!"
10. Do you have a journal? That's kind of what this blog is isn't it?
12. Would you bungee jump? Over a pit of marshmallows.
13. What is your favorite cereal? I don't really eat the stuff. I'm more of an egg and biscuit sort of gal.
14. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? I live in Florida. They're either flip flops or slip ons.
15. Do you think that you are strong? That depends on who you're comparing me to.
16. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Cake Batter.
17. Shoe Size? 7 to 7 1/2
18. Red or pink? Red
19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? Inside: my ability to worry myself over maybes, should haves, and could bes. Outside: my broad hips. I once had a friend's Mom tell me they were "good birthing hips." I was 15.
20. Who do you miss the most? My brothers when they were little.
21. Do you want everyone you send this to to send it back? Why the hell would I want it back? What, you didn't like it? You're too good for this Meme?
22. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? Black and black. No, I'm not going to a funeral.
23. Last thing you ate? Smore cookies.
24. What are you listening to right now? The voices in my head.
25. If you were a crayon what color would you be? Cornflower.
26. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Mom
27. Fingers or toes? Fingers
28. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? That depends on if they're walking toward me or away. Grrrr.
29. Do you like the person who sent this to you? She's dahhhling.
30. Favorite Drink? Cherry Coke
31. Favorite Sport? Jello wrestling.
32. Hair Color? Multi. I'm sort of a brindle.
33. Favorite office supply item? My "Swingline" Stapler.
34. Do you wear contacts? No.
35. Favorite Food? I'm a pig. It's pretty much all good.
36. Last Movie You Watched? Hidalgo.
37. Favorite Day Of The Year? Halloween.
38. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? Both. Although scary movies with happy endings suck.
39. Summer or winter? Summer.
40. Hugs or Kisses? Hugs.
41. Favorite dessert? Creme Brule
42. What's On Your Mouse Pad? The impression of my hand.
43. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? Grey's Anatomy *Grumble, grumble*
44. Favorite Smells? Men's cologne, puppy's breath, baby's skin, baked goods.
45. Favorite Sounds? Laughter and chimes.
46. Stones or Beatles? Stones.
47. What's the furthest you've been from home? NYC
48. What books are you reading? Do HTML ones count? *Sigh*

Monday Overload

I accidentally put "Overlord" at first. Hmmm.

Weekend Downer: Heartbreak is finding the house of your dreams and then being told it was put on contract the day before. The house hadn't even been on the market three days. I thought for sure it would last at least one weekend. As we left, Hoop and I stared at each other miserably. I kept blinking so I wouldn't cry. The real estate agent hurried us along. I think she was nervous at the sudden loss of momentum our search had taken. I just wanted to go home.

The Upside: After dinner at my parents' house last night, Mom armed the family with orange tape and tennis shoes. This week they're having land cleared in preparation for horses. Mom wanted to mark some trees before they started demolition and requested everyone's help. "Now you know how to tell a good tree from a bad one right?" She asked me. "Not really, no." "The good trees are the ones with the birds nests in them. Just don't tell Papa Bear I said so." My Mom has a heart of GOLD.



Contest courtesy of Odd Mix:

Wonder


Motherly

My Mom's attempt to save some nests.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: Mom really wants to buy the horse across the street. The only problem is, it's two years old and never been broken.
Hoop: That should be easy to do though. Don't you just break a bottle of water over it's head?
Tink: What?!
Hoop: Yeah. The water makes them think they're bleeding.
Tink: *Sobs with laughter* Tell me you're joking!
Hoop: I'm serious. Someone told me their foreheads are so hard it doesn't hurt them.
Tink: Would it hurt you if I broke a bottle of water on your head?
Hoop: Not if you did it just right.
Tink: Whatever you do, don't mention this theory to my parents, alright?
Hoop: Oh-Kay... But you're going to feel pretty foolish when you find out I'm right.

Today's Spam Mail:
Low Key LSD from Linda Coleman
Fetal Junction from Viola Summers
Expertise Buttress from May Ruiz

Hoop Quote of the Day:
"Chili cheese dogs are like crack."

TAGGED by Foo:
(Who isn't even here to enjoy it)

I AM a wealth of useless information.
I WANT to feed the models of the world.
I WISH I could find a home worthy of my attention.
I MISS the dart board 90% of the time.
I HEAR too much private information.
I WONDER where I'll be in five years.
I REGRET not inventing "Cheese Whiz" first.
I AM NOT the most relaxed person.
I DANCE in the car, at the bar, in the hall, and while making cookies.
I AM NOT ALWAYS on time. Ok, hardly ever.
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS signs that stand for words.
I WRITE everything and anything down.
I CONFUSE my foot for food on occasion.
I NEED a free vacation.
I SHOULD try harder to be more.
I START each morning by stubbing my toe on the bed frame.
I FINISH Hoop's sentences with shit that doesn't make sense.
I TAG Newt, FA, EE, Rude Cactus, and anyone else daring enough to try.

Another Week Bites The Dust

When I first met Hoop he used to tell me, "I find something new to love about you everyday." And because we weren't quite at the "I love you" stage yet, I would smile and answer, "M'baby." Funny how it's OK to say you love some characteristic about a person when it's still too soon to say you love them personally. Hoop and I have grown out of that dance. When love is new, you feel the need to validate and classify it. And then (eventually) it becomes immeasurable.

So it's odd that seven months ago, for whatever reason, I started a list. It was a list I added to each and every day. A list of new things I loved about Hoop. And it grew. I thought I'd run out of things to add, or feel childish. But I didn't. There are 204 things on that list today. I didn't realize how large it had gotten! On the days when Hoop and I fight or things at work just won't go right, adding something to the list FORCES me to be grateful. It reminds me how fortunate I am.

10/28/05 That you're just as much of a closet klutz as I am.
11/07/05 That we're probably going to OD on coconut shrimp together.
11/11/05 How your tongue peeks out every time you make a difficult pool shot.
11/24/05 When you carry me to bed
12/04/05 Car dancing with you
12/20/05 How hard you laugh when I "Smushie Face" you.
12/31/05 The way you make sandwiches out of everything.
01/18/06 Sleep conversations
01/22/06 The fact that we moved everything all by our-fucking-selves!
02/08/06 Fighting to see who can pull the clothes from the washing machine first.
02/14/06 That you'd die with me if I ever had to take a mission to Machine City. ;)
03/06/06 That you get me.
03/14/06 The way you lay into a buffet.
04/14/06 How much you love cheese.
04/29/06 When you cheat for me at Putt-Putt
05/10/06 That you don't think I'm weak for crying.

Courtesy of Odd Mix:

In celebration of Mother's Day, this weekends words are...

Motherly
Wonder

So get snapping!

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(While watching Hidalgo.)
Hoop: I bet most American's really love this movie.
Tink: Why do you say that?
Hoop: Because it all boils down to a good ole' American cowboy shooting up Iraqis.
Tink: Holy shit. You're right. I didn't even think about it that way!
Hoop: I mean, did Bush himself write this?
Tink: *Makes face*
Hoop: OK, so NOT Bush... But maybe the people he pays to think for him.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: You know what I was thinking about during that test last night?
Hoop: What?
Tink: You in a Tarzan outfit.
Hoop: That's cool. But I'd much rather be Robocop.
Tink: ... How the hell is that sexy?
Hoop: *Shrugs* That's just who I'd rather be.
Tink: Oh, I can picture it now. *Makes motorized sounds* "Commence to having an erection. Activate thrusting movements, now." Ugh.

Daily Hoop Conversation 3:
Hoop: I love you.
Tink: And I love you.
Hoop: How come you never say, "too?"
Tink: Hmm. I don't know. I guess I just thought it was implied. I mean, if I'm saying it back then obviously I love you too.
Hoop: Oh.
Tink: Well if it makes you feel better... I love you TOO, Hoop.
Hoop: I love you more.
Tink: And I love you more too.
Hoop: ...

DOT: Twisted Tink has been updated with a new chapter, "Misjudgment." Pour yourself some java and click on over, the entertainment's free.

Have a spectacular weekend!

Melting

Dorothy was a twit. Sure she had cute shoes, but absolutely no common sense. So I've decided to learn from her mistakes. I'm not waiting. I'm throwing water on this bitch witch right now. We all walked into class last night with our 100 problems in hand, anticipating the dreaded quiz that would follow. But instead, the teacher walked in and instantly dove into the next chapter. There were murmurs of confusion and frustration. "We'll be taking the quiz in the last 20 minutes of class," she said smugly.

Three hours later, as my hand began to cramp and my eyes began to bob around like bath toys, the teacher passed out the quiz. "Now try not to screw up and use any of the methods we just learned. You're going to have to revert back to what you did two days ago. I know it's going to be hard." I swear she snickered. I stared at the paper. There were only three questions. "33% each," I thought glumly. And then I froze on the first one. So many people sighed, I thought the room was breathing. I worked the problem four times before I realized I was using the new methods. I tried to remember what I was supposed to do. But my brain was fried.

I thought of Mudslides and sleeping in and Hoop in a Tarzan outfit. When I looked down, box one had been filled with stick figures jumping off a cliff like Lemmings. Two and Three were easier, but two out of three still equals a D. I handed in the quiz and watched as the teacher's expression bled out like dye. I knew she was watching, but I refused to huff out like all the students before me did. So I calmly gathered my books, winking at the girl next to me. As I was walking out the door I made sure to make eye contact with the witch. I stared. She stared. And then I smiled. It was like I had dumped ice water on her.

Let's see how happy she can be without students to torment.

I'm dropping the fucking class today.

And then I'm going out to celebrate.

Today's Spam Mail:
Mean from Pol Corbett
Antidote Orderly from Joey
Clutches from Elvira Williamson
Rejuvenate Covet from Hope Hammond

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: I should be on the next Unan1mous.
Tink: Oh yeah?
Hoop: Yeah, and my group wouldn't be stuck down there for more than a day.
Tink: You think so huh?
Hoop: The moment we arrived I'd announce, "You should all vote for me and then I'll divide it evenly amongst us."
Tink: Pffft. And WHY would they believe you?
Hoop: Because then I'd say, "If you DON'T, I'll make sure we all walk away with nothing."
Tink: You forgot the "Muwahaha" at the end.

I got a memo from my boss this morning with this attached:

And people wonder why I'm so anxious to leave.

Queen Of Swords

Would you believe me if I told you a feeling can be hereditary? I may have inherited my father's laugh and his sister's round face, but it has been the gift of my mother's uncanny intuition that has saved me the most in life. Not to make you think heeding it brings guaranteed happiness, but you're never doubtful that you're on the right path.

Through our history, every woman on my mother's side has bore only one daughter.

As my Mom flew out to Georgia to see my Great-Grandmother on her death bed, she was overcome with the sweet smell of her perfume. She ran to a pay phone, only to find out that Great-Grandma had passed away moments before the call.

My Grandma calls me out of the blue sometimes to ask me if anything's wrong. She always calls when there is too.

I had a dream one night that someone was crying. I woke up and suddenly felt the urge to call a friend. She didn't answer and I shakily went back to bed. An hour later the friend called back to inform me that she'd been in a car accident exactly one hour before.

These are facts, as we see them.

On the last night I spent at the flop house I sat shuffling a deck of tarot cards on my bed. It's not that I believe in them. It's not that I don't. I find the pictures and the concept fascinating. And I'm a bit fidgety, so the act of shuffling them always felt comforting. As I was going to put the deck away a card flipped out and landed on my knee. It was the Queen of Swords.

I stared at her sitting on her thrown with bare breasts, sword held high, a severed head in one hand and a valiant gleam in her eyes. I remember wishing I could feel as confident as she looked, fighting for what she believed in. Minutes later one of the roommates barged into my room. A fight broke out. I remember hitting a mirror. Somehow I ended up in the bathroom. The cops were called. I had patches of hair missing and deep scratches down my cheek and neck.

The deck lay sprawled across the room. The cards were crumpled, ripped, lost. The one card that didn't get harmed? The Queen Of Swords.

My head is misfiring today. I'm a bundle of nerves and worries that aren't founded. I keep thinking about that card from four years ago. Intuitively I know it's time to act. But on what? I keep looking for a sign. I keep hoping for a great revelation. Because that's what happens right? A card falls out, you smell perfume, you're plagued with dreams, the phone rings.

Maybe not.

Maybe that's not how it works?

Maybe we have to make our own signs.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: Did you hear the message I left at the house?
Tink: The one where you were telling the dog to go find me?
Hoop: Yeah.
Tink: Does that look like Lassie to you?
Hoop: *Stares* She looks more like Babe the pig.
Tink: Jazzi would be like, "Pfft. She can get herself."
Hoop: More like, "Good! Now I can eat the other dog while they're gone."

Today's Spam Mail:
Greedy Sickness from Richard Mann
Burner Scented from Olivia Robles
Industrial Mentally from Caspar Harvey

May Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)

1. bruce van patter's to make the king smile patter's to make the king smile patter's to make the king smile patter's to make the king smile There's medication for OCD now right?
2. Squat Juice Another one to add to my book of pooping metaphors. Don't laugh. I'm going to be filthy rich one day.
3. "my daughter" "my vibrator" If it smells funny I would clean it in alcohol and then find a better hiding spot for it.
4. "what's in your wallet"+spade+chubs If cards were called "Chubs (Clubs), Laids (Spades), Farts (Hearts), and Bling (Diamonds)," I think playing would become a lot more interesting.

Life, or something...else.

The Wicked Witch Of Algebra: After acing my first math class in five years, I felt brave enough to sign myself up for a summer Algebra class. Two days a week instead of one you say? Bring it on buddy! Three and a half hours instead of two? No teacher ever follows their schedule anyway. A test every single class? Whoa, wait a second. I didn't sign up for that shit. As I sat in class last night, I found myself wishing I had Dorthy's magical pumps. Anything to bring me out of the hell hole I was in.

I knew I was in trouble when the first thing out of my teacher's mouth was, "Thith clath will alwayth stay until 8:40." Nice, a lisp. Thankfully there are no numbers with S's in them... That's a joke people. I could have felt sorry for her. I could have felt sorry for us, the students, for that matter. But I didn't have time to register anything but hatred as the teacher started ruining the next seven weeks of my life. Not only are we going to be using all three and a half hours of the class period, timed so as I won't possibly get a chance to eat or relax after work, but we're going to have a test each class and over 100 homework problems a night.

"I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection."

Just when I thought it couldn't possibly get worse, the teacher tells us we are not allowed to: talk to anyone around us, be one minute late coming back from our 5 minute break, turn around to look at the clock, or sharpen pencils once class has started. I'm having flashbacks of high school, and not the cool kind. My last teacher was a lot more relaxed. Yet she managed to get the job done. I felt like a responsible adult in her class, not some troublesome teen. This woman uses words like, "Icky" and "Gross" to describe formulas. The real kicker though... She's MY age. How does that happen?

Today's Spam Mail:
Air Conditioning Sandbag from James Levy
Controversy Foothill from Leo Shafer

Writing On The Desk:
Teacher: Please fill out these forms about yourself.
Student 1: Why is this necessary?
Teacher: Because I like to know all about my students. Like once I had a girl in my class who used to live next to Tom Cruise!
Tink: Was he crazy back then too?
Student 2: Did he jump on her couch?
Student 1: Did he shake her and yell, "I'm so HAPPY to meet you!"
Teacher: *Glares* That's enough chit-chat.

Think Cynical: I am SHOCKED that Jay didn't cover this today. I don't usually dig into current news or gossip. I leave that to people who are more objective. Or at least don't refer to Paris Hilton as "the perfect test subject for 'designer paper bags' You know, as the next head fashion?" hehe

Anyway...

Last night David Blaine tried to break the "holding breath while under water" record. Unfortunately, he failed. And all he got as consolation were some seriously wrinkled feet and the possibility of nerve damage. Oh yeah, and thousands of adoring fans screaming his praises. The article above perfectly highlights the evening with quotes such as:

"I asked him if there was room for one more in there, and he gave me a nod," she said.

and

"I got water on my hand from his body," said excited student Anthony Taylor.

Because THAT'S the stuff that truly matters.

Patchwork Post

The Problem With Moving: Hoop, my little brothers, and I checked out three different pieces of property this weekend. The first was a pie shaped lot with a 10 foot entryway on a dirt road and butted up against two very dilapidated trailers. The ONLY thing right about it was the price. Since a 12 foot privacy fence was out of our budget, we decided to pass.

The next property was a long skinny lot on a major road. The agent listed off a dozen great features and then casually mentioned the "minor" problem with it. The original owner had died, leaving the property in the possession of the kids. Not only were they having trouble deciding how much to sell it for, but they couldn't agree on who should be in charge of selling it, or even if they wanted to officially list it at all. Um, yeah. PASS.

As we drove onto the dirt road of the third and last property, Hoop and I groaned. The road was a series of pits and bumps, with holes nearly three feet wide and two feet deep. "Can my SUV even make that?" I asked out loud. But we weren't given the chance to worry about it further, as the real estate agent gunned her mini-van. We all watched in amazement as the van plunged nose first into the holes and then rose with a roar and a cloud of dust. I followed behind meekly.

As the gap between our two cars grew I started to picture our agent laughing like a maniac as she pushed the peddle on her Mommy-mobile. "I think she's having fun," Big Bit laughed from the back. "Go faster, Tink!" Lil Bit yelled out. When we finally caught up to the agent's car it was totally coated in a brown film. She casually stepped from the van, tossing her fiery red hair with a flourish.

Then she grinned and said "I took you the scenic way. The other entrance is less than a quarter mile up the road." Hoop and I glanced at each other. The property was nice, Hoop's favorite by far. So it wasn't a pointless escapade. As for my car, I seem to be pushing it toward an early retirement. It hesitated to start this morning as if to say, "You WILL pay for yesterday."

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: I'd like to get one of those bathing suits that lets you tan through it.
Hoop: No, don't do that. Tan lines are sexy.
Tink: Tan lines are SEXY?
Hoop: It sort of reminds me of lingerie. As long as there's not too much of a contrast. It's not sexy if parts of you look like they're glowing. But a little hint of a line is really hot.
Tink: So, it's only sexy if the bathing suit looks like lingerie? And you have to make sure you get just enough sun to leave a faint line?
Hoop: Oh yeah.
...
Tink: What world are you living in Hoop?

Attack of the Spam: Remember when you could always count on spam email to have catchy titles like, "Sign up for a FREE car!" Or "Fill out this survey for a lifetime supply of diapers!" Those days are gone. They've now been replaced with what I call "The One-Liners." I'm pretty certain the words thrown into the subject lines of these emails are randomly drawn, all in the hopes that you might be interested in things like, "Horses, Venomous, or Gunpowder." My favorites are:

"Electrocution" from Kitty Duke
"Cheapness riddled" from Frank Gross
"Brand New Appendages" from Herbery Rojas

Oh my Gawd, I always dreamed of having an extra arm! Thank you Spammers!

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: I think that was the best waiter we've ever had.
Hoop: Yeah, he was pretty good.
Tink: We should tell him. It would probably make his night.
Hoop: Why don't you tell him. If I tell him it might seem a little-
Tink: -Gay?
Hoop: *Blink* I was going to say trivial. But thanks for your vote of confidence there babe.

Things That Make You Go, "WTF?":
1. The first thing I'm going to do when we buy land is run through it naked.
2. Can I see your drivers license? You know, just in case you decide to mug me.
3. Farts don't smell. They don't have any noses!


Brought to you by Odd Mix.

(#1) This weeks words were:

Challenge


Reveal

(The guy wearing this hairy helmet had hair just like it underneath.)

Peace


Be sure to join us for next weeks contest! Come on. Don't be shy.

"I Saw You"

Thank you Folioweekly for providing the blog fodder.

I Saw You:

STEAMING SHORTY. You: Hot, long, heavy tinted dreads, meow mix eyes, perfect cupful bottom. Me: Tall, handsome, giant, 6'9", black clothes, hair, eyes. Saw you at The Pearl dancing like an airplane. You stole my mind away. Willing to meet you anywhere. "You stole my mind away." Phew. Thank God! That explains it all. Because I'm trying to understand how dancing like an airplane is sexy. And "cupful bottom" makes me think she was wearing a bra on her ass.

BROKEBACK PARTS ROOM. You: Lovable, portly guy in parts room with package tape dispenser. Me: Scruffy guy in shades, cap and cargo shorts. I think you know where to meet me. I think we have compatible parts! That movie has RUINED same sex ads. The only correlation between Brokeback Mountain and this Parts Room is the two gay men in them. Only, the ones in the movie were HOT. If you want a better movie to plug, try "The Birdcage."

CRAZY LOVE. You: Talking to a light pole on 10th and Pearl. Me: Pushing a shopping cart with Porsche license plates. Let's get together at soup kitchen! I'm sorry. The light pole told me I should hold out for the guy with the BMW shopping cart on J. Turner. But I hear the Boom-box karaoke singer on Beach is interested.

Men Seeking Women:

OLD WALRUS. 2006 VW Convertible, 24 hours another world, grown up flower child, long-haired, touchy-feely activist seeking yippy female. This whole ad confuses me. Old Walrus? 24 hours another world? YIPPY female? I think he should have scrapped it all and stuck with "Burned out druggy seeks small dog."

Women Seeking Men:

CLASSIC '48 CADILLAC. White, beautiful green headlights, nice curves, can be taken out of storage by confident, mature driver who has a firm hand on the wheel, for slow drives down shady lanes, with possibility of new garage, only serious drivers considered. Taken out of STORAGE? Jesus lady. You might as well say, "Bring the Windex. Thick layer of dust." Or "Bring grease. Garage door may stick a little." And I know the whole headlights reference was for your eyes, but I can't stop picturing you with sickly green nipples.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: So you're going to the builders tomorrow to look at house plans right?
Hoop: Yup. While I'm there I'm going to ask how much it would cost for them to build a separate game room too.
Tink: I really don't think it's in budget.
Hoop: It couldn't be that much! I just want one room. Well, maybe two. One for arcade games and another for a home movie theatre. And a bar. Plus, we could totally eliminate the need for a fridge if we got a walk-in beer cooler.
Tink: Uh... right.
Hoop: It would probably be a good idea to get a bathroom added on too, so you don't have to walk all the way back into the house. Our neighbors will be knocking on our door all the time, hoping to get invited in. And we'll be like, "Nuh uh. Movie time started at 9. You're late. You'll just have to come back next week." And we could charge a $5 cover at the door for all you can drink beer.
Tink: Whatever Hoop. Just please don't forget to ask about the HOUSE.

DISCLAIMER: Be prepared for strong sexual content in 2.5 seconds. The staff of Pickled Beef cannot be held liable if you continue reading and are appalled, offended, or corrupted. Thank you, that is all.

The Dildo Song: Dedicated to Rude Cactus, who will be the first to hear about all the disturbing search terms this brings me.

What rolls down the stairs?
Alone or in pairs?
And makes a buzzy sound?
It's long. A schlong.
A marvelous dong.
Everyone knows it's Dildo.
What fits in a sock?
Feels better than cock?
And unlike a man, it's slow.
It vibrates a bit.
Feels great on your clit.
Everyone knows it's Dildo.
It's Dildo! It's Dildo!
It's big, it's fleshy, it's ribbed.
It's Dildo! It's Dildo!
Yes, that's right. It's ribbed.
What fits in your crack?
Some even have sacks?
The penis you don't have to blow.
They're not just for gays
They use double A's.
Everyone knows it's Dildo.
What makes you cum?
And fits in your bum?
Some of them even can glow.
A dink. A dink.
In marvelous pink.
Everyone knows it's Dildo.
A long fleshy tube.
Use oil based lube.
Not just for neighborhood Ho's.
For a girl on the go.
With no time for beau.
It makes for a perfect fellow.
They're Dildo. They're Dildo.

Have a great weekend!

Smorgasbord

5 Minutes Of Random Thoughts:
Start. Why is it taboo for me to talk about politics in the office, but OK for my male co-worker to sing a song about Dildos to the tune of the "Slinky" theme song? Why is it taboo for me to be (discreetly) with a co-worker (Hoop, duh), but OK for one of my bosses to tell me I better, "start popping kids out soon." This is also the man who eats fast food for two weeks while his wife is away because he can't work the oven. Not to mention the time he blatantly told me and another co-worker that our receptionist "acts smarter than she looks." I feel like I'm tattling. No seriously, there's a point in here somewhere. Ah, got it. The point is, a lot of people are STUPID. Was that it? No, but that's true too. The point is, I'm glad I don't own a gun... Or a ballbat. That's wasn't it either. Anyway. I'm running on ten hours of sleep, which strangely is like running on four. WHY is that?! Does it go backwards after seven? And all I can think is, "Screw it." It's on repeat in my head. No body better tap me cause I just might end up screaming it. So, how are you? End.

You're Getting Sleepy: Last night I had a dream that my Mom trained her cat to guard the front door of her house. If anyone tried to enter or leave in between the hours of eleven pm to six am the cat would go into a series of meows that oddly sounded like a security alarm. This worked so well that she bought a parrot to do the same for the back door. Unfortunately they weren't trained to alert her of hurricanes and her house was swept away, cat and parrot and all.

Start Your Engines: Odd Mix has started an excellent weekend photo contest that I know a lot of you will be interested in. *Cough* TeebsChrisMsJayMrsPao *Cough* Dust off those cameras folks and get creative. I'm off to wrestle Hoop's digital away from him.

Funnies: Did you hear? They're now making cars with a new and improved gas gage. It looks like this:

Someday, if Hoop and I ever get married:


DOT: Twisted Tink has been updated with a new chapter. It's called "Six Angry Dwarves." Mosey on over there when you get a chance and let me know what you think.

Memory Highway

Memory is a crazy woman that hoards colored rags and throws away food. ~Austin O'Malley

When I started preparing to move I thought of all the knickknacks I'd like to throw away: appliances that are never used and furniture too worn to keep. I assumed the only unsettling I would do was in dust, not memories. I've moved four times in the last five years. They were all difficult moves. Not like this one. This one feels easy. It feels right.

So why should this one be unearthing so many old memories? I sat around the house last night while Hoop was at school and thought back to a thousand little moments. I didn't think of old roommates or jobs or friends. I thought back to my childhood and that of my brothers. I remembered things I'd forgotten, and realized I'd forgotten a lot of the things I swore to remember. And then Hoop got home. I rambled off every memory I'd awakened. We laughed until we cried and then he kissed me... And then he thanked me.

The New Mommy: My youngest brother, Lil' Bit, was five when he decided he wanted a new Mommy. Instead of getting mad or feeling hurt, my Mom decided to play along with his temper tantrum. She picked up the phone and called information "Mommy's R Us." "What kind of Mommy would you like Lil' Bit?" She asked him. He stared at her in disbelief. "I want her to have BLUE hair!" He told her. Mom repeated his request into the phone. "And I want her to be YOUNG and NICE!" While he was rambling off his list of qualifications, Big Bit (who was almost seven at the time) and I snuck out the back door.

I will never forget the grin on Big Bit's face as we scrambled for the front door and rang the bell. "Your new Mommy is hear," Mom called out to him. We slapped our hands across our mouths to contain the laughter as Lil' Bit broke into screams and sobs on the other side of the door. "I was jus' kiddin'. I don't want a new Mommy!" he bawled loudly. Mom walked to the front door and swung it open as Lil' Bit threw himself into her legs and screamed in terror. "Look Lil Bit," Mom said. He turned around and stared at us, confused. And then it registered. Relief broke across his face and then rage. "I HATE YOU! I want a new family!" He screamed as we all burst into laughter.

May Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. "Yodeling in the canyon of love" I prefer "Lapping the little man in the canoe." But whatever.
2. Sloppy don sandwich My mental images for this are not pretty.
3. Gatorade advertisement and "sperm" and "is it in you" and fastest
I feel like singing, "One of these things is not like the other!"
4. You might be ghetto if you have to put stuff on layaway at the 99-cent store.

Around The Water Cooler:
Co-worker: So I walked in and asked the supervisors why Hoop wasn't being made to run errands like all the other guys.
Tink: Wait... You did what?
Co-worker: I walked in and asked-
Tink: No, I heard you the first time. You do realize that Hoop and I are together right?
Co-worker: Yeah. Why?
Tink: It probably wouldn't be wise to trash talk him to me.
Co-worker: Oh?
Tink: Yeah. You know, for future reference.
Co-worker: But I thought I could talk to you about anything.
Tink: You're not very bright.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(6:30 am, still in bed)
Tink: I just had the strangest dream!
Hoop: What's that babe?
Tink: We were building a deck. But because of this new law we had to go to the courthouse to pick up pre-approved blueprints.
Hoop: And then what happened?
Tink: We built a deck.
Hoop: Ok.
...
Hoop: And why is that strange again?
Tink: Um, I don't know exactly. But it was. Believe me.

Not So Insignificant

When someone asks about influential people in your life, you're more likely to think of a relative or good friend before you do some stranger you only met once. And how often do you think of an enemy as significant? Sometimes the most noteworthy people are the ones that will never know you intimately: authors you'll never meet, anonymous artists who spray paint feelings on walls, coworkers who only know one side of you, and blogger friends who understand so much and see so little.

Sometimes I wonder who I'd be if not for the millions of hands that have directed me.

* My father once gave me a silver dollar for "luck." It's one of the only gifts he ever gave that truly meant something. But this story isn't about him. It's about the man, the stranger I will never know, who saved it for me. I've carried the coin for ten years, seven years more than I would have. My friend and I had skipped school that day, too hungry to stay at lunch and too prideful to beg food off our friends. So we cleaned out the car for change and headed to Subway. When we reached the register we realized we were exactly $1 short of the bill. I reached into my purse and pulled out the silver dollar. "I guess I could use this. It's not like it's rare or anything."

I laid the coin out on the register and instantly regretted my decision. So we sat down and ate our food and I briefly told my friend how I'd come to have the coin. She must have known how guilty I felt, but the food was good and there was no taking it back. Suddenly a man walked toward us from the counter. I don't even remember what he looked like. Was he old? Was he fair? Who was he? What I remember is the way his hand brushed against the table as he slid me my coin. "You shouldn't give away things you care about," he said. As quick as he'd come, he was gone. Sometimes I wonder, does he remember me? Does he know how much that meant?

* I was new. She had been with the company for seven years. I was actually excited to be sharing a cube space with her. Maybe she would be my mentor? She was 60-70ish, thin, short, and lovely. She wore bright floral skirts and expensive shoes that announced her arrival with the clicking of heels. I admired her and secretly hoped that I might age as well someday. But, she was NOT as thrilled to meet me as I was to meet her. At what point did it start, I wonder? Was she determined to hate me? Or did I personally offend her that much?

She said I smelled. She claimed to be allergic to the very scent of me. I was banned from wearing perfume, lotion, and hair products. She coughed when I entered the room and continued throughout the day. She declared that I made everyone else in the office miserable because I made her suffer. She made ridiculous claims that my deodorant gave her hives. She called me indignant and disrespectful to my back and whispered "advice" to my face. It was a nightmare. She finally left, and everyone knew it was because of me. I think about her every morning as I put on lotion and perfume. It's because of her I will always take care not to tread on the people below me. Because of her I will be a kinder person. I hope she found happiness.

What seemingly "insignificant" person has influenced you?

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: I wish I had ta-tas like that woman on TV.
Hoop: You know, Wal-Mart sells enhancement pills for women.
Tink: Pfft. Those don't work.
Hoop: How do you know?
Tink: Fine Hoop. I'll go out tomorrow and get some breast enhancement pills, OK? You happy now?
...
Hoop: I don't think you should be mad at me right now.
Tink: No?
Hoop: No.
Tink: And why's that?
Hoop: Because you totally set me up!

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Hoop: I love you.
Tink: I love you more.
Hoop: If you really loved me more you'd do my homework.
Tink: Now who's setting who up?!

DOT: I've added three pictures to Twisted Tink. Can you find them? They're a bit crude. But it's the closest I could come to showing you the images in my head without help from some very expensive programs I don't have...yet. One can hope :). Let me know what you think. Don't be afraid to be critical!