Introspective

We live in a world where so many people can't be trusted.

Not the people we pay.
"You can call me. But it's going to cost you."
"I know it's forty grand below asking price. But it's the best offer you're going to get."
Not the people beside us:
"Watch out! That car was leaning into our lane."
"How'd they get in front of us? Weren't we in line first?"
Not coworkers.
"I overheard Cathy was getting a hysterectomy!"
"Could you file this for me? Marc said you weren't busy."
Not even our doctors.
"It's a freckle."
"It's a bug bite."
"It's cancer."

So on the chance of being screwed over, we get cold. We act hard. We try not to care too much. Which is why when we do, it's so damn significant. To get close to someone, REALLY close to them, is a gift. The problem with letting people into your heart is that you're suddenly exposed. The chance of being wounded is bigger. All your faults and insecurities are laid bare. Sometimes I forget that. Not that there are people who could hurt me, but rather that I'm someone on the "inside" too. That there are people I could hurt. You can get punch drunk on that kind of love.

"That was stupid." *Poke*
"Why do you always lose things?" *Poke*
"Grow up." *Pop*

And suddenly that little poke creates a hole. You've seen people with holes in their heart. You've probably been one. Sure, the holes scar over. But it's never the same. The skin there is a little tougher, less likely to give. I've had lots of loved ones hurt me over the years. My father was a big one. He practically used my heart as an ashtray. I survived. I believed the ordeal made it less likely that I would hurt people. Then I fell in love. Truly in love. The kind of relationship that butterflies you open so that everything inside falls out. "Oh look! There's my yellow belly. Here's my soft inside. Do you see that golden heart? Your turn."

This morning, Hoop and I got into a minor spat. I said something a little hateful and it hurt him. We're fine. It wasn't even that big of a deal. But it made me realize that I need to be more careful. I'm too close to the source. I know exactly where the buttons are without even thinking about them. My words, if said by someone else, would probably be inconsequential. Little pokes. But said by me, the person who knows every fault line and weak point, they're more like punches. It's crazy. Just when I think I have things figured out, life tosses me something else to chew on! I feel like the perpetual student, with Life as the teacher. As much as that can sting... I hope it's always like this.

Second Anual Blog Header Show Down:
Thanks to everyone who voted! The three finalists for Monday's Sudden Death Match are:

A Few Good Sporks

Pink Tink

Pouty Tink


Poll will begin at 3pm (Eastern time) on Monday and end at exactly 3pm on Tuesday.

Have a great weekend!

Vacation Recap Continued

Tuesday, June 19th - Thursday, June 21st: For most of Tuesday and part of Wednesday it stormed. Which sucks when you're on an island where the only thing to do is swim and soak up sun. Hoop and I watched from the deck as the clouds blew in. Within seconds we were shivering from the cold. The drop in temperature was immediate. Moments before, we'd been sweating in our suits and wishing for a breeze. It was eerie. Then the wind picked up. Before we could blink, the heavy plastic table and chairs went flipping into the guardrail. Debris from the beach somersaulted down the road and people went running for cover. The force of that little storm made us realize how vulnerable the island inhabitants really were. When Katrina visited two years ago, they didn't have a chance in hell.

Before Katrina:


After:


Fortunately, this was just a little storm. By Wednesday afternoon it was bright and sunny again. Hoop and I took advantage of the reprieve and headed for the local bird sanctuary. I readied my camera, hoping for some photo ops of exotic birds. What we got were a bunch of crows and a surprised turtle. On the drive out, just as I was complaining about the state of the place, Hoop hit a bird. "Oh great!" He said. "That was probably the only rare bird they had!" We got out to inspect the damage, but the bird was gone. So we hauled ass back to the house before any of the locals noticed. Can you see the headlines? "Tourists killed by lynch mob after getting involved in a hit and run with Dauphin Island's favorite bird." I'm not fucking dying that way.

Later that day we made a trip to the Estuarium.

Hoop: So, what's in this place?
Worker: Fish.
Tink: Are there dolphins?
Worker: No.
Tink: No dolphins? How about turtles?
Worker: No.
Hoop: How much does it cost to get in?
Tink: Seven bucks each.
Hoop: Seven bucks!
Worker: *Rolls eyes*
Hoop: And all you have here is fish?
Tink: *Reads Sign* It looks like they just showcase the fish from this area.
Hoop: Screw that. Let's just go to the beach and look at them for FREE.

The rest of the vacation (Friday through Sunday) was spent celebrating Hoop's Mom's birthday, then my Grandmother's, and then painting another room in the house. If it weren't for Hoop's motivation to get the house completed before our next vacation in August, I think I'd procrastinate finishing it until we're ready to move again. I've realize something... I hate painting. I hate having to prime the baseboards twice. I hate spending five hours on three doorframes because the damn things have six sides apiece. Most of all, I detest having to take a Brillo sponge with me into the shower when I'm done. For some odd reason, no matter what I'm wearing, I will get paint on every limb of my body. Once I managed to cover a foot, an elbow, and part of my forehead... And I was just touching up.

Annual Blog Header Show Down: Don't forget to VOTE! Results can be found here. The contest ends on Friday at 5pm Eastern Time. The Sudden Death Match between the three finalists will be on Monday, July 2nd.

The Contestants

Welcome to the Second Annual Blog Header Show Down!

In the left corner, three new contestants:
(Click For Larger View)

A Few Good Sporks

Pink Tink

Armed and Cuddly


In the right corner, three old contestants:
(Click For Larger View)

Pickles and Cows

Tinkatude

Pouty Tink


Who will win when they go head to head in the first round of the Show Down?

Da Rules:
1. Please, only vote ONCE. If you'd like to see the poll results, you can go here.
2.The poll ends this Friday at 5pm (Eastern Time).
3.The top three contestants will compete in a Sudden Death match on Monday.

CURRENTLY I'M UNABLE TO GET THE POLL TO POST. FOR THE TIME BEING GO HERE TO VOTE.

A Word From Our Sponsors:

Many thanks to Mamajulo, who sent me the spork featured in "Armed and Cuddly." You are a great friend and a wonderful writer. I will think of you whenever I'm eating peas.

Many thanks to Hoop, who rode with me to Taco Bell last night at 10pm just so I could get a spork for the header "A Few Good Sporks." You love me, despite the fact that I'm crazy... Despite the fact that we drove 15 minutes just to order a Coke... Despite the fact that the cashier handed us enough plastic utensils to keep us from washing silverware for a month and probably thinks that we're poor. You're the most awesome person I know.

Sweet Home Alabama

Saturday, June 16th: Hoop and I met up with fellow bloggers Tammy and Sarah, and their motley crew of husbands and college friends. I wasn't sure what to expect. Although, fortunately, I'd already been warned to expect this guy:

I can only imagine what his tan lines looked like.

It didn't take long for Hoop and I to feel at home. Tammy and Sarah are two of the coolest cats you could ever hope to meet. Shit, by the end of the day we were making gang signs together. If that doesn't show love, Homey, I don't know what does.

Sunday, June 17th - Thursday, June 21st: Hoop and I had expected the drive to Dauphin Island to take anywhere from four to five hours. The reality was more like seven and a half. Which landed us right in the middle of Hickville by 10pm Sunday night. I scanned the surroundings while Hoop drove, desperately looking for the back road MapQuest said to turn on. Fucking MapQuest. We found a main road out on the drive home. Not only did it shave twenty minutes off our route, but it kept us out of shooting range.

The only thing that dotted the desolate, dark road was the occasional reflective sign. Triangle 1. Square 54. "Maybe they're house numbers," I thought. Then I saw four more Triangle 1 signs. "Guess not." Just when I was beginning to think we were in a "Hills Have Eyes" remake, the darkness broke and we arrived at Dauphin Island. Our first impression of the beach town was grim. The only thing in sight was a tiny gas station and a bait shop that turned out to be the town's only grocery store. The rest was made up of houses built on stilts.

6:30 the next morning, we awoke to the sounds of breakfast cooking. How could we miss it? Our bed resided in the middle of the living room. Fuzzy headed and hungry, I walked around like a zombie, weaving my way around people and pets. All in all we had ten adults, four kids, and three dogs. I was beginning to regret our choice of vacation spots, until we hit the beach. There's nothing like a little sun and salt water to lighten my mood. And here we had TWO beaches. One on each side! Hoop wasn't as impressed. "There are oil rigs?!" He asked, pointing just off the coast. "Is the water even safe?"

It was. I hope. I'll let you know if I start glowing. Besides the rigs, Dauphin Beach is home to many dolphins and hermit crabs. Both of which we saw in abundance while there. No shit guys, I think it might be the hermit crab capital of the U.S. I'm used to seeing those things in STORES, not milling around like cattle. Our favorite part of the vacation was when we swam the bay. We kept walking further and further out, expecting it to get deeper. But it never did. A mile out, the water was still chest level. It was amazing. Hoop and I could have stayed out there all day.

To Be Continued...

Vacation Backlash

I wish everyone would take a vacation at the same time. Maybe then I wouldn't come back to 56 urgent emails and a stack of work the size of my head.

I don't have a small noggin either.

So you can understand the mix of awe and horror I felt after opening my office door. "Awe" at the thought that my desk could accrue that much paperwork in a week's time. "Horror" at the thought of trying to weed through it all.

I'm currently on page six.

It's going to be a long week. So forgive me for not posting my vacation recap today. I'll post it tomorrow, along with the header poll. Until then, enjoy these snapshots. Further explanations to come.

(Dauphin Island, Alabama)

Pink Sky At Night


Aftermath Of Hurricane Katrina:


Boarded Up


Gravestone For A House


Anticipation


Splash


Humbled


Beach Condos...


...Ultra Skinny


Oil Rig Off The Coast



Courtesy of Odd Mix:

Water:




Spirit:


P.S. Pocky, for those who asked in Friday's post, is a Japanese snack. They're biscuit sticks covered in flavored creme, usually chocolate or strawberry. You can find them at Wal-Mart in the international food section.

P.P.S. Thanks to everyone who made sure the blog didn't burn down while I was gone. I found the tower of beer cans especially amusing. Any one care to snitch confess how the dog got glued to the table?

So Long, Suckers!

Hoop and I will be on vacation from June 16th until June 24th.

Part of the vacation will be spent meeting up with fellow Bloggers in an undisclosed location in Florida. I don't know what to expect. But I've been forewarned, it will probably involve large amounts of alcohol and the misuse of a fake horse head. I've already been given the "go ahead" to take black mail pictures. They don't have any idea what they've agreed to, do they?

The other part of the vacation will take place in Alabama (of all places). Every time I mention it I hear dueling banjos in my head. Hoop's Dad has rented a house on the beach. There are four couples and two singletons going, and there are only three bedrooms. Hm. At least there's a beach. I might actually get a tan and look like I belong in Florida!

If I get time before we leave, I'll post again. I'm trying to drum up some headers so you guys can vote on a new blog theme while I'm gone. This one is starting to feel like my eleven year old pair of boots, comfy, but not really in style anymore. If I don't get to it, I'll post them when I get back. If you're feeling froggy, go ahead and leave me some suggestions. What would you like to see up there? Any ideas for a new tag line?

As much as the blog withdrawals are going to hurt, I'm really looking forward to this retreat. My sanity depends on it, guys. Just the other night I found myself trying to open the house with my car alarm button. Scared the shit out of me. I thought someone was breaking into the house. Then I realized, we don't have an alarm system! Maybe I shouldn't advertise that. We do, on the other hand, have two ferocious, people-eating Rat Terriers. Grrr.

While I'm away: Jay is in charge of guarding the beer stash, Corky is in charge of watching Jay, and Meno is in charge of filming the evidence when they both fail. Mama T's job is to jump on the table and yell, "Stop that!" If anyone gets hurt in the process, go see Susan. Complaints can be taken up with Lefty, because I know he won't give a damn. Newt is in charge of being bossy. She very rarely gets the chance.

Mamalujo's job is to be the resident gutter head (pretend you're me and it should be easy). Edge is in charge of being Bad Cop. BG, you're Good Cop. Maggie, you're job is to document it all in the form of a poem. If all else fails, call on Wordgirl. She lives with four men, which practically makes her a superhero. As for everyone else, I'm counting on you to build a shrine in my honor look pretty. I know you won't let me down.

See you on the flip side!

Tink

A Little Somethin' Somethin'

Tagged: by Chelle

Use ONE WORD for each answer.

Yourself: Nutty

Your Partner: Nuttier

Your Hair: Scraggly

Your Mother: Strong

Your Father: Waste

Your Favorite Item: Chapstick

Your Dream Last Night: Dirty

Your Favorite Drink: Coke

Your Dream Car: Mazda

Your Dream Home: Finished

The Room You Are In: Office

Your Fear: Clowns

Where You Want To Be In Ten Years: Loved

Who You Hung Out With Last Night: Hoop

You’re Not: Shy

One of Your Wish List Items: Ring

The Last Thing You Did: Peed

You Are Wearing: Smile

Your Favorite Weather: Sunny

Your Favorite Book: Adventure

Last Thing You Ate: Pocky

Your Life: Crazy

Your Mood: Hopeful

Your Best Friend: Hoop

What Are You Thinking About Right Now: Leaving

Your Car: Utilitarian

What Are You Doing At The Moment: Duh

Relationship Status: Taken

What Is On Your TV: Commercials

What Is The Weather Like: Enticing

When Is The Last Time You Laughed: Today

Tagging: Anyone who wants to play.

365 (and 2 More)

I started this blog well over a year ago. But it wasn't until Tuesday that I hit the 365 post mark. A post for each day of the year! For two months I've been anticipating the day I could say that. Yes, I'm really THAT much of a nerd. Then I looked at the post counter this morning and realized... I'm two days late! At first I considered going back and erasing two of my earlier posts to make it an even 365. But that seemed a little neurotic extreme. In the process of trying to find posts to eliminate, I found some real gems though. Posts about conversations and feelings I'd totally forgotten about. Which is really why I started this blog. I started it so I would remember. Thankfully, it ended up as something so much more than just a diary. It became the meeting ground for wonderful people like you.

So, thank you!

If you stick around for the next 365, I'll bust out some door prizes.

Random Conversation:
Stranger: Are those cupcakes good?
Tink: Very.
Stranger: Are they expensive?
Tink: Somewhat.
Stranger: Like what, fourteen bucks?
Tink: No, more like three.
Stranger: Oh... What's the frosting to cupcake ratio?
Tink: ...
Stranger: Because grocery store cupcakes are always loaded with more frosting than cake. I hate that!
Tink: Um. They're pretty good all the way around.
Stranger: Good to know.

Hoop Quote Of The Day:
"If I died, would you kill yourself?"

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: Work is pissing me off.
Tink: What's wrong?
Hoop: Everything shifted after we changed managers. Instead of being on top of the game, I'm just mediokra now.
Tink: Mediocre.
Hoop: That's what I said!
Tink: No, you said mediokra. Okra is a vegetable.
Hoop: I should name my blog that!
Tink: Okra?
Hoop: Meaty Okra.
Tink: Pickled Beef and Meaty Okra. We're going to be the freaks of the blogosphere.

Twisted (Tink) has been updated with another revised chapter, "Casino City." Click on over and tell me what you think!

Btw: Hoop and I got a huge kick out of reading your comments to his post last night. He promises to try and make time tonight to respond.

My Second Big Debut

Check this out, I was invited to post a cover. This could be a huge break, a front page article on the world renowned site of Tink! Now I just have to find something to write about.

I guess I can start with some "Deep Thoughts" by Hoop.

This country is so messed up. It is so easy to be a kid. I was able to do whatever I wanted. I played five different sports a year, I hung out with all my friends whenever, and I couldn't do wrong without absolute forgiveness. Then what happens after you leave the nest? Life slams you in the face with a fat sack of moldy tangerines. There is no longer time to do whatever you want. It was all an illusion. I think our society should teach one way. If you are allowed to do all those things as a kid, shouldn't you be able to do them as an adult? I vouch for everyone to only work August through May from 8:00am to 3:00pm. With an hour for lunch of course. God I can't wait for vacation next week.

I would also like to leave an argument for how much I love Tink more than she loves me. I am getting older, fatter, and losing hair. She is practically perfect in every way. How could I not love her more? Need I say more? Case closed.

Hoop

Beautiful Earth

Courtesy of Odd Mix:

The many beauties of EARTH...

Night Watch:


Sunset On The River:


Ivy:


Forgotten Wheelbarrow:


Red Door:


Sunflower Field:


Wayward Crab:


(Random Pictures)

Moments before the eyeball incident...


Leaving An Impression


Fat and Lazy


What Is It?


Did you play?

You Had To Be There

Saturday: Saturday morning, I met Mom and Grandma down town for a Ladies Day. We surprised Grandma with a ring for her birthday. One even I, an apathetic jewelry wearer, could appreciate. The stones were African Orange Sapphires:

Isn't it beautiful?

Grandma paraded it through town, waving her hand around in unnecessary gestures, hoping that someone would take notice. After lunch Hoop suggested we drive to Daytona. I was hesitant at first, considering our luck with traveling lately. Every time we try, something unfortunate happens. Luckily, the only unfortunate "happening" this time was that we didn't want to drive back home. It was 8 o'clock when we got there, witching hour for the locals and tourists. A concert was in full swing on the beach. Everyone was sipping Mai Tais, waiting for the fireworks. Hoop and I grabbed a drink and hovered in the doorway of the bar, looking for a seat. If Captain Charles and his lady Stacy hadn't called us over, we might have finished our drinks and left. Instead, we stayed on until one, long after the tourists and more sensible locals had disappeared.

Three rounds in, tongues began to loosen. There were boasts and brags and strange confessions. I vaguely remember Hoop telling them that I dance whenever dessert is made. They begged to see my "Cupcake Dance." Heavy headed, I thought about it. But somewhere in the back of my head, a little voice yelled through the rum cloud. "Not without dessert first!" A girl has to have standards, you know? The Captain professed to be a Green Beret. It seems laughable now. The guy was the same size as me! His girlfriend Stacy was stolen goods, snatched from a two year relationship barely six months before. She flashed us her diamond ring as the Captain asked if we were married. "Not yet," Hoop replied. That got an eyebrow raise out of me.

By the end of the night, the Captain was inviting us back to his boat. "It has three beds and two baths!" Which made my head swim for a moment. Who the hell had we been drinking with, royalty? Hoop and I declined the offer, despite Captain's adamant insistence that we come along. I don't fare well on boats. Boats don't like me. I can't imagine one taking pity on me simply because I'm drunk and trying to sleep. Instead of the spinning sensation I normally get when intoxicated, this room would ACTUALLY be spinning. So Hoop and I said our good-byes, traded numbers, and headed for the beach. Later that morning, once sobered, we made our way back to the car. On the way out we were approached by a wayward crab and a drug dealer.

Hoop had just picked the crab off the street when the dealer came by and ruined our photo op. Somehow in the confusion, Hoop dropped the crab and there was much discussion afterward whether the poor crustacean had lost an eyeball. There we were, (Hoop, the drug dealer, and me) on our knees, trying to find the crab's missing eye. Apparently it hadn't been lost at all, simply misplaced. We all had a good laugh and parted ways. The drug dealer pausing for a moment to wave and call Hoop by name, a mystery I later unraveled when I realized I had been yelling, "Is it blind, Hoop? Is it blind?" several times after the accident. On the way home, Sunday's hangover began, splitting my head with the pounding of drums. But it was worth it. If you're ever bored or in need of an adventure, I recommend Daytona.

Sunday: Hoop and I did absolutely NOTHING. That's what we get for having too much fun the day/night before.

Monday: In the mornings I'm usually oblivious to everything but the road and my radio. But this morning, I happened to turn my head and catch the most amazing sight... A field of sunflowers. The moment felt like it went on forever. I couldn't help but feel optimistic about the day. It was as if those flowers had been planted for me.

How was your weekend?

Scatterbrained

It's Friday, the day I've been waiting for since Sunday night.

If you're expecting some masterpiece post here, you might want to move along now. Instead, I give you more evidence of my addiction to lists.

Awesome Bud Light Commercials:
1. Swear Jar
2. How Ugly Girls Get Asked To Dance
3. Secret Fridge
4. Hidden Bud Light

Stoopid Peapole:

After the little escapade Hoop and I had with Walmart on Monday, I decided to email a complaint to the website. The response I got back was that they were sorry for my inconvenience and that the second desk I had ordered had been damaged in shipping. So without asking, they were cancelling my order and refunding me the money. Niiice. Apparently their method of dealing with pissed off customers is to piss them off even more.

The sheriff who released Paris Hilton from jail.

Most of us use "..." to signify a dramatic pause or halt in a sentence. This person uses it as replacement for normal punctuation. Seen in an email, "I look forward to working with all of you in the first quarter on these opportunities...and as stated before our fundamentals are in place...we have nothing to fear...lets go get the volume!!!" Correction, there are also three (count them, THREE) !'s in there as well.


Courtesy of Odd Mix:

The words for Tuesday are Air and Earth.

June Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. Horse in a bikini It better be a big bikini
2. Ms. suzi had a bunny Ms. suzi had a cat one went to heaven the other went to hell-o operator It was a steamboat, and the steamboat had a bell. Duh.
3. walmart "we don't have to dress up" So, you wear that ugly blue vest by choice?
4. Stupid realtor I see you've had the pleasure of meeting mine.
5. tomato soup and dog pee That's one way to lose weight.
6. my boyfriend's nipples taste like onions *Gasp* My long lost brother!

Have a GREAT weekend guys!

Where Stupidity Reigns

InADvisable: Thank you Folioweekly for providing the blog fodder.

Women Seeking Men:

CATCH THIS BUTTERFLY. Unique, educated, long-haired, slim girl looking for gentleman who enjoys discussing politics and having great fun! The smallest things. A sip of wine on the sand. Gentleman, 55-69, let's be classy together. Still happy at heart! Only a sip? Well you let me know when that's going to happen and I'll be sure to take the rest of the bottle off your hands, OK?

Men Seeking Women:

THE BUFFET OF LIFE. Equality, Independence, freedom, variety, honesty and individuality. All this and good company, simple pleasures and sinful desires! Single white male, 50, 6', 200, non-smoker, non-drinker, seeking open-minded, shapely female for cool friendship. This guy is GOOD. I almost forgot he was looking for a Fuck Buddy.

I Saw You:

NOTE TO THE BUG MAN. Mr. Proquest bug man: you serviced me very well. You strong, gentle man. Me: a tall, skinny hunk of a man. I hope one day you will finish servicing me even better. Miss you very much. I'll donate some termites to your cause!

HOT BARTENDER. You: Tall and handsome. Me: short, great personality, attractive but needs dental work. I come to your work every night waiting for you to give me a sign. I love your cocktails. See ya soon! At least she's an honest stalker. Sad when bad teeth are your major defining feature. They'll make the police sketch easier to draw.

TALL SEXY GIRL. With the magnificent schnoz. I watched you take a baby step, stumble and fall backwards. You know I would have caught you had you gone forward; maybe I will see you try again. Huh. I would have thought a large nose would help her balance.

YOU WERE COMCASTIC! You: 5'8," drunk girl sleeping at Lynch's corner table using words like "yins," "Stillers," and shouting "this is Amurrica" before you went unconscious. Me: Lonely sailor preparing to leave. Let's meet at Atlantic for Red Bull/Vodkas and patriotism. What does this have to do with internet/cable?

ASIAN MOVIE MONSTER. You: Asian, long-haired, with Simpsons tie, works at the theatre. Me: short, with more to love, face of Han but body of Jabba. I sense the force is strong with you; you can spring my roll any time! That's if he can find it... I'm never eating sushi (or jello) ever again.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: I love you.
Tink: I love you more.
Hoop: That's not possible.
Tink: Yes it is. I have a meter that I check regularly. It says that my love for you is higher.
Hoop: Then your meter is broken.
Tink: No it's not. I have another meter that checks that the first meter is working.
Hoop: Then the batteries must be dead on the second meter.
Tink: No, I have a meter man check the second meter once a week.
Hoop: Then your meter man is an idiot.
Tink: *Gasp* Are you calling God an idiot?!
Hoop: *Blink* What?
Tink: Oooo, you're going to Hell.
Hoop: Now you're just trying to confuse me!

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: I hate the commute to work!
Hoop: I wish I could afford to buy you a helicopter.
Tink: And a pilot to go with it?
Hoop: You wouldn't want to learn how to fly?
Tink: I could... But I'm a creature of habit. I'd forget to put gas in the tank one day and then the gas light would come on and I'd be like, "I can make it!" But I wouldn't, and instead of coasting into work I'd crash land into it.
Hoop: Oh-kay. Nix the copter idea.

Just Add Alcohol

Sorry I didn't post yesterday.

I was hiding out in my fort.

Unfortunately, because the fort was invisible, people kept finding me. I need to learn how to make myself invisible too. Work has been overwhelming lately. It's our busy season and I'm going on vacation in a week and a half. Which means everyone is rushing to dump as much as they can on my desk before I leave. I call it "The Great Asshole Race of 2007."

We got Hoop's car back last night. We're $1,600 in the hole and the damn thing is STILL overheating. We haven't even touched the bodywork yet. I keep thinking this year will get better. My Mom's theory is that all the bad stuff is getting knocked out in the first half of the year and that the second half will be better. On July 2nd at noon, the year will officially be half over. I think we should all celebrate.

I didn't take any pictures over the weekend, despite my good intentions. It bums me out. I was really excited about Odd Mix's word selection. Bless Hoop's heart, he couldn't stand to see me so glum, and tried in vain to spark a muse. He made shadow puppets on the wall using Duff's toys. The headless pony made an appearance as well as the humping monkey. Yes. They were together.

Stoopid Peapole:

Seen on a professional document from corporate office, "Not every vendor carried these products just for your information's."

The other night, Hoop and I went to pick up a desk we had ordered from Walmart.com. Regardless that the desk had already been paid for, the employee behind the counter refused to help us without a confirmation number. Hoop asked if the number could be obtained by calling a help line. The girl shrugged. Neither the employee or the manager knew what the help desk number was. So Hoop took a shot in the dark and dialed 1-800-Walmart. Lo and behold, it worked.

Overheard on the radio, "Your girlfriend shot at you, and now you're wondering if you should break up with her?" "Yes."

June Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. granny huge boobs, papa likes feeling them Maybe he's just trying to rub her knee.
2. Easter bunny boobs You are one sick puppy bunny.
3. Itty Bitty Titties I'm detecting a theme here.
4. fraudulent hermaphrodite photos
5. wireless vibrating underwear for him Does it come with GPS tracking too?
6. purchase pickled beef It can be yours for 3 easy payments of... $25,000! What a steal.

Check out this awesome video of a couple of "Quick Change Artists." I've watched it four times and I can't figure out how they do it!

Tomorrow: Everyone's favorite, Folioweekly ads!

Death To Mondays

Around The Water Cooler:
Boss: You busy today?
Tink: Yup.
Boss: What are you doing after lunch?
Tink: Building a fort.

Weekend Recap:
1. Hoop and I went out and saw Knocked Up on Friday night.
2. Even with our expectations really high, we thought the movie was hilarious. We gave it four thumbs up. I laughed until my cheeks hurt.
3. In one scene they showed a very graphic image of a baby being born. All the men in the audience, including Hoop, recoiled and shouted "Ugh!"
4. Saturday morning, Hoop had to work. So I slept in and then lazed around on the couch like a good girlfriend. I hadn't even showered by the time he got home.
4. Our original plan was to go to the beach. If I skip the sun for too many days my color goes back to day-glow and I can't wear shorts for fear of blinding people.
5. Unfortunately, the weather had other plans. It stormed all day.
6. At one point Hoop suggested we go anyway and look for shark teeth. The sky responded by opening up and dumping another torrent of water on us.
7. We took that as a sign that we should stay home and watch movies while eating ice cream instead.
8. Clouds KIND OF look like scoops of ice cream. Interpret it how you want.
9. The other movie we watched was Pan's Labrynth. I found the movie both beautiful and violent, a fairy tale NOT meant for children's eyes. Hoop and I enjoyed the movie, although I'm not sure I would watch it more than twice. We gave it three thumbs up and one thumb down.
10. Sunday, I had a Girl's Day with my Mom. We ate well, laughed hard, and spent waaaaay too much money.
11. Although in the end, the $200 ring my Mom got for my Grandma's birthday ended up being worth closer to $1,000. So maybe we didn't spend too much.
12. Fuzzy logic folks. It gets me out of half of life's battles.

Not Far From The Tree:
Tink: This card would be perfect for Hoop's birthday.
Mom: *Reads Aloud* Now that you're turning 30, I should probably start calling you "Ma'm."
Tink: Isn't that great?
Mom: Ma'm?
Tink: *Cracks up*
Mom: You're so strange.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(At the movie store)
Hoop: Wait... Pan's Labrynth has subtitles?
Tink: Yeah. But you don't even notice them after awhile.
Cashier: The movie is REALLY good. You'll like it.
Hoop: I hate subtitles! Do they have a dubbed version?
Cashier: Not yet. It'll probably be a couple of years.
Tink: Come on, Hoop. Let's just get it.
Hoop: *Loud whisper* But you know I can't read!
Cashier: *Open mouthed stare*
Tink: Oh my God.

How was your weekend?

Ma'assalama, May

May Hit Statistics:
1. The primary day for hits was Thursday.
2. The most popular hour being 4pm.
3. The top referrers were Sunshine and Maggie.
4. The most used search term was, "slang for intercourse."
5. My favorite search term was, "dos boobs." Because three is too many, and one just isn't enough.
6. The highest hit post (229) was on May 8th, the day of Sunshine's Blog Prom. Ah, good times!

31 Quirks for 31 Days:
1. My Dad once tried to invent a vibrating tampon.
2. I can't believe I haven't told you this already.
3. I was 18 at the time. He asked my friends if they would like to try it out.
4. They were crazy enough to consider it. If it hadn't been for the threat of shock from the watch batteries, they might have even gone through with it.
5. A few years later I looked it up on the net for a lark. Turns out, someone had already invented it...
6. ...as a means for controlling cramps.
7. Not exactly the purpose my Father had in mind. He was never one for practicality.
8. I fully believe the "dirty old man" gene runs through my family line. My Grandfather owned a bar, an underground gambling ring, and an adult toy store.
9. When he died, they found 33 black trash bags filled with porn in his garage.
10. Every morning on the drive to work, I fight the feeling that I'm crossing over to the dark side.
11. I'd switch jobs, but I'm not sure what my alternatives are.
12. My Mom, the professional career counselor, says I should find something that uses my natural talents.
13. So far I haven't found anything that requires an experienced daydreamer.
14. It's very disheartening.
15. I've been doing these monthly quirks for over a year!
16. I figured I would have run out of things to say by now.
17. Apparently, you all and Hoop provide ample fodder.
18. What a cool word. According to dictionary.com, fodder means "people considered as readily available and of little value."
19. Oh. Ouch.
20. Pfft. What the hell do the dictionary people know anyway?
21. I have dimples in my earlobes.
22. I have an innie belly button.
23. I think I have an irregular amount of smell receptors in my nose.
24. Things to me don't always smell the way they do to others.
25. My friend's car smells like butter.
26. My pants smell like burnt wood.
27. The sales room smells like unwashed feet.
28. THAT one I firmly believe is true. The sales guys can deny it all they want.
29. We have a soap thief at work.
30. Full bottles of soap will go missing within an hour of being put out.
31. Who the hell steals soap?!
32. I talked to my boss about it. He asked how I didn't see the culprit, since my office is right next to the kitchen.
33. Which leads me to believe...
34. ...my split personality is doing it.
35. I knew she was evil!

Have a great weekend!