Tomfoolery

Hoop pantsed me last night. TWICE. Pantsed by my own boyfriend! Isn't there an unspoken rule against that? Fortunately, we were in the privacy of our own home. I was scooping ice cream at the time and had to waddle my way to the sink before I could pull my shorts back up. The second time happened right after he beat my hand with a wet sock. Foreplay, you say? No. He was keeping me from doing laundry. Isn't that lovely? Then he cleaned the bathroom! He also took out the trash and helped me make dinner. No, it's not my birthday. I think perhaps he's feverish. Fevers can cause irregular behavior, right? Perhaps I'll turn on the heater and get a foot rub before this passes.

Tuesday night, Hoop and I took a bike ride around the "hood." There's an elementary school a few streets away that uses goats, instead of mowers, for lawn control. They keep a small herd of them penned around their holding pond. I noticed some children feeding them while I was driving home and it gave me the idea of a bike ride. When I called Hoop to suggest it, he was less interested in the ride and more interested in the welfare of the kids feeding the goats.

Hoop: Don't goats bite?
Tink: Only a little. It's more like a nibble.
Hoop: That's not what I heard. Those children better be careful. Otherwise they might lose a finger!
Tink: Goats don't eat fingers!
Hoop: Are you sure?
Tink: Yes.
Hoop: Well, I better drive by and make sure the kids are OK. Just in case.

The kids (both goat and human) were fine. I haven't seen any fingerless children running around lately, and the goats didn't seem blood thirsty when we went to see them that night. But I'll let you know if the situation changes. Maybe I'll have my camera on me and I can make the first ever, "When Goats Attack" video.

New footage of the infamous Loch Ness Monster. Which looks a lot like a water snake. Hmm.

Universal Studios of Orlando is making a new theme park! "The Wizarding World of Harry Potter," will open in late 2009.

Twisted (Tink) has been updated with another revised chapter, "Magic Beans." This chapter has taken the place of "Hanging Around" and "Going Up." We're getting closer to the spot I left off with, before I lost my mind and decided to revise the whole damn thing. Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read and comment!

Tongue Wagging

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: Do you remember when you first bought your car and I pushed you to pick a name for it?
Hoop: Yeah.
Tink: Well, I just thought of a really good one.
Hoop: *Groan* What?
Tink: Little Timmy!
Hoop: That sounds like the name of a handicapped kid.
Tink: Exactly.
Hoop: I'm not naming my car that.
Tink: Poor Little Timmy.
Hoop: Not unless we can start a fundraiser for him.

May Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. employees who have to ask permission to pee Now that's what I call incentive to move up the corporate ladder.
2. horseshoe crab's pee Welcome to the ocean.
3. Nipples taste So you're saying maybe THEY ate the onions?
4. alanis morissette peeing in a cup That's about as ironic as her song.
5. Yo ho You better be a pirate, buddy.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
(While walking on the beach)
Dog Walker: You can't have flashlights here.
Hoop: We can't have flashlights?
Dog Walker: No, it's turtle egg season.
Tink: I've NEVER heard of a flashlight ban, and we come here all the time.
Dog Walker: *Shrug* My wife got yelled at by the cops last night for having a flashlight. They told her they could have taken her to jail.
Hoop: Aw man! That kind of ruins the plans for tonight.
Tink: Well, thanks for the warning.
(Walks away)
Hoop: What are we going to do? Should we head back to the car?
Tink: *Looks over shoulder* Here's what we're going to do.
Hoop: What?
Tink: We're going to wait until that guy leaves...
Hoop: Uh huh.
Tink: Then we're going to turn our flashlights on.

Around The Water Cooler:
Coworker: Do you want to go to Wendy's with me for lunch?
Tink: No, thank you. I have peanuts.
Coworker: Peanuts aren't a lunch.
Tink: I'm trying to conserve money by spending no more than $1 on lunch each day.
Coworker: $1 isn't going to get you very far.
Tink: It goes further than you think. With $1 you can get a water and a package of cookies, or a bag of chips, or a coke and a pack of gum.
Coworker: That's pathetic, Tink.
Tink: I call it the "Dirt Poor Diet." It might just be the new trend.
Coworker: I'm getting you a burger.
Tink: That makes you my first share holder!

Seven Seconds

They say that when you get into an accident your life flashes before your eyes. But it doesn't. There just isn't enough time. But seven seconds is long enough. It was enough time for Hoop to yell "Oh shit!" while he slammed on the brakes and turned the car to impact on his side. It was long enough for my drink to levitate out of my cup and splatter across the dashboard and windshield. It was enough time for me to close my eyes, and for there to be $3,000 worth of damage to Hoop's car.

Fortunately, we're OK. The car and our pride were the only things injured.

We were headed to Universal Studios for the day. It didn't turn out the way we'd planned. I was talking about Friday's post when I looked up and saw the back end of the car in front of us. There had been an accident. People slammed on their brakes. We noticed too late. Not even thirty seconds later, another accident happened behind us. That one involved two SUVs. One had a baby in it. The airbags deployed. No one was hurt. We all stood around, the passengers of six cars, and thought about how screwed our weekend was.

While waiting for the cops, other cars passed. They cheered. They took pictures. One guy mooned us. College kids on the way to the beach. I wanted to hurt them. How can people be so cruel? Hoop and I surveyed the damage. His beautiful new car! It was bleeding coolant on the hot cement, the word "Taurus" tattooed into the front bumper. I wanted to reverse the morning, take the hurt out of Hoop's eyes. Weren't we laughing just a moment ago? Seven seconds. Amazing how everything can turn upside down in so little time.

But what can you do? Life throws you lemons, you make Long Island Iced Tea. You regroup, reprioritize your money, and be grateful that you have someone to lean on.

It still sucks about the car though.


Courtesy of Odd Mix:

REJOICE in the HEAT:


Reggae Sunday


Look at all the people!


I wonder if they charged him admission.

(Random Pictures)

I Spy...


...a Rat Snake.


Think Green


White Oak


Duff's Decapitated Pony


Two For One Special: I'm guest posting over at Sunshine's today as well. Her computer got zapped and she's down and out for the week. So show the girl some love, since you know she's having withdrawals right now.

Of Sporks and Foons

If I could put a sticky on yesterday's post and leave it at the top of my blog forever, I would. It was that good. The comments were awesome guys. We even pulled Hoop out of hiding. So it's fair to say I'm all tapped out for inspired writing today. We're at the cusp of a three day weekend and my brain has already left for vacation. Instead, I bring you a bit of silliness...

THE HISTORY OF THE SPORK

1871- Edward Lear plants the seed for the first Spork (spôrk) in his poem, "The Owl and the Pussycat."

"Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling
Your ring?" Said the Piggy, "I will."
So they took it away, and were married next day
By the Turkey who lives on the hill.
They dined on mince and slices of quince,
Which they ate with a runcible spoon.

1874- The Spork revolution begins! Although the name "Spork" will not appear for several decades, patents for spork-like utensils are already being processed.


1943- William Mc Arthur invents the Splayd (splād), a combination spoon and blade.

1952- Hyde Ballard of Westtown, Pennsylvania files to have the name "Spork" trademarked. But instead, the name is trademarked by the Van Brode Milling Co. in 1969. The details of why Mr. Ballard never got the trademark are fuzzy. Personally, I think they Splayed him.

1996- The Spork design you know and love today was invented by Canadians, Hubert Gagnon and Aldo Balatti. Thus proving that Canadians really are the shit.

2001- The term "Foon" (fōōn) is born, an act of defiance against those who would use the much acclaimed Spork. Spork users are not amused. They demolish the rivals in a great pea eating contest.

2004- Mike Miller invents the Knork (nôrk), a combination knife and fork, while struggling to cut a slice of pizza. No one knows why he didn't just use his hands.

2005- Tink, author of the little-known blog Pickled Beef, creates the first ever Spork Defense System in an effort to stop content thieves.

Spork (spôrk): A combination spoon and fork.

Splayd (splād): A combination spoon and blade.

Knork (nôrk): A combination knife and fork.

Foon (fōōn): An anti-spork.

May Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
Chasing boyfriend with pink dildo Was he laughing or was he screaming when you did it?
foot in my face smell aunt
Do dogs secrete oil in their butt?
Spork jewelry Hey Newt! Do you want to handle this?
Free hermaphrodite photos As if someone would PAY.
Hairy bearded beef bear
pickle popper

Have a great holiday weekend! I'll see you all on Tuesday.

Technicolor Tink

I believe we all live colorful lives.

It's just that sometimes we're color blind.

Lately the colors of my life haven't been as vivid as they once were. I haven't enjoyed the simple things as much, too bogged down by the complicated ones. I realized this morning, during that tedious hour commute, that I don't like this cynical girl. "Where'd the other one go? Is she hiding?" I decided last week that I'm going to be less grumpy in the mornings. If you knew me, you'd understand what a huge undertaking that is. "But you're ALWAYS a mega bitch in the mornings!" Hoop responded when I told him of my plan. "That's... who you are!" Thanks babe.

I've done pretty well so far. Instead of pitching a fit because I can't find my shoes or the shared comb Hoop likes to hide, I do meditative breathing hyperventilate in the mirror. Baby steps. It's better than throwing things. But don't judge me too harshly. I only throw sturdy things into soft things. Like the phone into the pillow. You see, a second before I reach for something to break, there's a tiny voice that pops into my head. "You're going to regret thiiiiis," it says. Which is annoying when you're really really pissed. So I decided to compromise with it so it shuts the hell up.

Anyway. Where was I? Oh yes, rambling. There's a hole puncher on my desk. It's one of those archaic metal ones, the kind you could club a baby seal to death with. When I first moved into my office, people would stroll in looking for a pencil to steal and catch their eye on it. Not literally folks. Stay with me. "Where'd you dig that out from?" They'd ask. "I stole it from a dead guy." That pretty much ended the conversation. The scary part is... It's true. Although to be fair, I didn't know he was dead when I stole it. I mean, I didn't know I was "stealing" it either.

When I first started working here, "here" being completely irrelevant, my cube was completely bare of office supplies. It didn't take long for me to figure out why. In this company, the moment you leave your position, your office supplies go up for grabs. Sometimes within an hour of you giving your two weeks notice. You never figure out who grabbed what, so it's pointless to pull blame. But you can bet the people with the poker faces know SOMETHING. During the first week of work, I managed to snag a stapler and a pair of scissors.

I was fortunate the head of graphics had called it quits, otherwise I might have gone another week licking and tearing papers. On the second week of work I noticed an empty office. I watched it carefully, waiting for the employee who used it to come back. But he never did. So one day, after five days of waiting, I went in and cleaned house. The prize of the haul was my infamous hole puncher. It wasn't until a few weeks later that I learned the story behind my hole puncher's previous owner. Evidently he'd died. They'd been keeping his office that way in remembrance.

As much as you may want to believe this story is fiction... Because let's face it, it's kind of demented. It's true. I own it. It's part of the colorful (somewhat twisted) life I lead. Maybe it would be easier to tell people I found the hole puncher. But this is the shit I'm talking about. Color. No, not auras. Although I believe I'm a peachish color if you're wondering. I mean the crazy details and stories we forget to notice. Like the warehouse guy I work with who whispers certain words like they're vulgar. I don't care how hot and bothered "humidity" makes you. It's not a dirty word!

So I want you to tell me something colorful. Give me an interesting story/twist/detail for something completely ordinary. Like the girl who works at the gas station who has curls in the front of her hair but not the back because she can't reach it with a curling iron. Or... There's a scar on my leg that my Mom swears is a chicken pock scar. But I distinctly remember a worm crawling out of it when I was seven. It scarred me for life. I can't touch the damn thing without getting the heebie jeebies. You have something to share. I know you do. Shake off the color blindness.

Header Tutorial for Jen:
Most of my blog headers start off as photographs. Like the one for Twisted (Tink). It started off as a picture I'd taken of a tree. Then I cropped it to the appropriate size and ran it through the filters in Digital Image Pro 7. For that specific header I used "Diffuse Glow" and "Stain Glass", in that order. Then I overlayed a picture of an apple I'd cut out from another picture I'd taken. After that I overlapped my title. You can find some neat fonts on websites like Urbanfonts.com and Dafonts.com. You can find color schemes here, along with their html codes. It takes time to get it exactly how you want it. The program is limited, the price you pay for being inexpensive. But the finished product is almost always worth the time!

Shortest Post Ever

Twisted (Tink) has been updated with another revised chapter.

That's all. Carry on.

Impromptu

It was about nine o'clock last night that I realized I was bored.

My knees were aching from the long hours spent in front of the computer. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't interested in any of the garbage on TV. I sure as hell didn't want to clean. My eyebrows hurt from frowning at Hoop. He'd been sucked into his video game for three hours. It wasn't until my twenty-millionth sigh that my leading guy finally caught on.

"What's wrong, babe?"
"I'm BORED."
"Want to go for a car ride?"
"Yeah!"

I've turned into one of the dogs.

So we hopped into the car and popped in some tunes, a new CD from one of my near-n-dear (not to mention kick ass) blogger buddies. Then we rode off into...

...the middle of fucking nowhere.

WHY did we move away from the beach? The most we saw last night was a creepy dirt road and a lot of trees. Gone are the nights of shark tooth hunting and long drives down the coast into Daytona. *Sigh* But we made the best of it. We sang to the music as loudly and as horribly as we could. Ok, the "horribly" part wasn't intentional. And experimented with new car dances. My favorite was "CPR," performed by Hoop on his steering wheel.

We laughed. I laughed until I cried.

We drove until the tank ran dry. Then we filled it up and drove back home.

Hoop Quote Of The Day:
"Stupid dogs. They licked a hole in my side!"


Courtesy of Odd Mix:

(We didn't go anywhere picture worthy this weekend. So instead, I've decided to drudge up some pictures from the past. Enjoy!)

Taken at this TIME last year (to the day exactly) for the WWC.

Missing


Big Florida Bug


Mirror


Sometimes I wish things could have REMAINED the same.

Did you play?

Out In The Wash

Weekend Recap:
1. In the last couple of months, Hoop and I have learned quite a bit about the guy who used to live in our house.
2. He owned a motorcycle.
3. He was a shitty carpenter.
4. He was on the Florida convict list.
5. He owed a lot of money to a lot of people.
6. The collection notices come in weekly. I'm waiting for the mafia to show up at our door any day now.
7. Do you think having an Italian last name will soften the blows? "I can make cannoli!"
8. It wasn't until this weekend that major pieces of the puzzle clicked into place.
9. Our neighbors hated him.
10. Saturday evening there was a knock on our door. It was a gentleman from further down the street. Apparently, the former resident had borrowed money from this man. Enough money to rent a UHAUL and to cover his last months bills.
11. Why the neighbor thought it was a secure loan, I have no idea.
12. This morning another neighbor came by. Her initial reason for coming was to tell us our cabinet workers had been hitting on her 13 year old daughter.
13. I'll say it for you. Ewwwww!
14. Her second reason was to complain about the previous resident. "Everyone please form a single file line to the bandwagon!"
15. Evidently, our resident convict owed them money as well. He ran over their sprinkler system with his truck.
16. No wonder the guy moved!
17. Friday night, Hoop and I went to see "28 Weeks Later."
18. REVIEW: Same story, different director. This film was a considerable deal bloodier than the first. I didn't mind the gore as much as I did the cheap scare tactics. Some were borderline "Blair Witch Project." The plot started off good, but dragged toward the end. Besides the factual errors (from the first movie), the new "take" on the zombie/rage disease had a good twist. All in all I give it one thumb up and one down.
19. Saturday, Hoop and I went to the beach...
20. ...where we proceeded to freeze our butts off.
21. Amazingly, despite the chilly wind and water, we got a little bit of color.
22. But now I think I'm getting a cold.
23. The price of vanity, folks.
24. Sunday, we went and saw "Shrek 3."
25. REVIEW: Nothing is ever going to compare to the first two. But as a third, I thought this movie did pretty well! There were cameo appearances by all the favorite characters, and a few by some new (Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, the OTHER ugly stepsister, etc). I gave it two thumbs up.

How was your weekend?

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(While star gazing)
Hoop: Why is the space station so lit up?
Tink: Maybe the light makes the astronauts feel less isolated. It probably gets pretty dark and lonely up there.
Hoop: Good point.
Tink: Can you imagine the electric bill for that thing?
Hoop: I'm pretty sure it's nuclear, babe.
Tink: Oh.
Hoop: I wonder how many people are up there.
Tink: I think there's just one woman right now. She was supposed to go home but then the flight got delayed for a month.
Hoop: That would suck.
...
Hoop: Do you think she's masturbating right now?

Combo Platter

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: I wish I had a fast forward button. I'd skip right through this day.
Hoop: I wish I had a pause button. I'd stop time as soon as we got home. Then we could unpause it whenever we were ready to go back.
Tink: We'd never unpause it then!
Hoop: Exactly.
Tink: We'd live our whole lives suspended in a day.
Hoop: Wouldn't that be great?
Tink: We could travel.
Hoop: We'd have to buy a boat.
Tink: Pfft. We could steal a boat. Who would know?
Hoop: That's true.
Tink: We'd have to be careful though. No one would be there to help us if we got lost or hurt.
Hoop: We could drift along and fish for food.
Tink: The fish would be pretty easy to catch.
Hoop: We could just scoop them out of the water.
Tink: *Sigh* I wish I had invented the world.

Around The Water Cooler:
Tink: Last night I dreamt that I removed all my teeth.
Coworker: Eww.
Tink: Then I tried to put them back in but they wouldn't fit. So I ate them.
Coworker: Were they good?
Tink: Eh. Kind of crunchy.

Spam Mail Subjects:
"Get your swiss together" Between a few slices of ham maybe.
"Rolex mania is down" So you no longer have to promise your first born to get one?

May Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
bunifa cell phone smoothie That's one way to recycle.
does a dandelion tell if you like butter Sorry, I don't speak "dandelion."
how to keep a bathtub white Don't use it.
gay sports Um... DRAG racing?
Should I try to rekindle a toxic relationship? You obviously don't watch Dr. Phil.
I would like to tear off your bra and suck milk from your sexy boobs Only if you spend 10 months in my uterus first buddy.
Arabella get naked in Playboy Hey now. Whatever she did before I met her is none of my business.
Does steak make your boobs grow? Buy me some steaks and I'll let you know.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
(Shouting from separate rooms)
Hoop: Hey babe!
Tink: Yeah?
Hoop: Could you help me take off my clothes?
Tink: You can't do it yourself?
Hoop: No.
Tink: Nice try, Hoop.
...
Hoop: Hey babe!
Tink: Yeah?
Hoop: I have a present in my pants for you!


Courtesy of Odd Mix:

Time
Remain

Come on, you know you want to play! Rules of the game are here.

Twisted (Tink): I've updated each chapter with buttons so you can scroll backwards and forwards through the pages instead of clicking home every time.

Have a great weekend guys!

Blogger Day Of Fun

I'm taking the day off from posting. Instead, I'm going to make masterpieces...

I call this one "Fairy Orgy."


"War Of The Triangles"


"Naked Lady With Big Butt"


"Boobs"


You can thank Jinx for turning me on to the Jackson Pollock site. Give it a try! Or comment about another addictive site that you've found.

As well as making dirty art, I'll be updating Twisted Tink today. So stop by and tell me what you think of the new layout.

Ciao!

From Mundane To Insane.

The reason for my insanity:

BEFORE

AFTER

BEFORE

AFTER

BEFORE

AFTER


First Home Cooked Meal


(Totally Random Pictures)

View From My Desk


Cockroach and Spit Balls


Purple Haze


Doggie Yoga

Surely there was an easier way...

Dog-Nap At The Baseball Game

Shakin' It Off

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(On the phone)
Hoop: I think we should avoid talking about anything negative.
Tink: Oh-kay. I guess work conversation is out then.
Hoop: Traffic too.
Tink: We can't talk about the house.
Hoop: So, what's that leave us with?
Tink: Um.
Hoop: I love you!
Tink: I love you too babe.
Hoop: Hm.
Tink: ...
Hoop: ...
Tink: ...
Hoop: See you at the house?
Tink: Sure!

Weekend Recap:
1. Friday night I rode out to my parents' for a little R&R.
2. You know things were bad if I considered a house full of six people, ten dogs, and three cats relaxing.
3. The boys (Hoop, Nash, and their Dad) had a much less relaxing night aboard a Casino Cruise.
4. I knew the losses were high when Hoop failed to call me that evening.
5. I will never understand how a FREE boat ride can cost someone $300.
6. Poor Hoop. I think he'll be sticking to $1 lotto tickets for awhile.
7. Saturday morning I went to Big Bit's baseball game.
8. He played so well I almost forgot I was watching a kid's sport.
9. Until the coach yelled, "Don't lose our only ball!"
10. You know funding for the area is low when both my brother's team and the rival one are wearing the same shirts.
11. A couple of times during the game I had to ask who was up. "Is that our blue and whites up to bat or the other blue and whites?"
12. At one point my Mom cheered for the wrong team.
13. After the game I went home to relax...
14. ...and revel in the fact that we now have doggie doors!
15. I think I was enjoying them more than the dogs. I made them run through them six or seven times before tiring out.
16. It's the little things in life folks.
17. After freshening up (and making the dogs run through the doors a few times more) I met up with the boys down town.
18. That night we drank...
19. ...and shot spit balls at a cockroach that was hanging out on the bar wall.
20. We even rescued a woman from catching an umbrella on fire.
21. Ok, everyone else rescued her. I just stared in fascination.
22. I'm sure I would have reacted eventually.
23. But seriously. Who puts an umbrella up around tiki torches? It's a once in a lifetime show!

In The Coffee News:
YOU'RE FIRED! Here's a guard dog that didn't last long in the job. Barney was supposed to be guarding the Teddy Bear Museum at Wooley Hole Caves in England, but instead of protecting the stuffed toys, he attacked them and shredded more than 100 of them. The most serious offense was chomping down on the head of an antique bear that once belonged to Elvis Presley. The owner of the teddy bear had loaned it to the museum just two days before Barney destroyed it. It was estimated to be worth $70,000. "He headed directly for the most unique teddy of all," lamented museum boss Daniel Medley.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: What time do you think you'll be home tomorrow?
Hoop: Hopefully by six. Why?
Tink: Because I have to leave a key under the mat for the termite guys. I wanted to make sure the person who's going to get home first has a key.
Hoop: Aren't you putting a key under the mat?
Tink: Yeah, but it's for the termite guys.
Hoop: Are they going to be keeping it?
Tink: They better not!
Hoop: Then it should still be there when we get home right?
Tink: Oh yeah!

Sneaky Bastards

I closed commenting on the last post because I didn't want anyone to feel obligated to say anything.

I opened my email box over the weekend and was completely surprised.

30 of you sneaky bastards decided to comment anyway!

Thank you.

It was appreciated more than I can say.

Hoop and I had a long talk over the weekend. We've decided to put the house on hold for two months, other than the critical termite problems. Now that we have a fully functioning kitchen, the house is completely livable. So, we intend to LIVE in it. It's time to have some fun, live normally. Whatever "normal" for us may be.

Although I'm not fixed, I feel better. Confessing that I'm overwhelmed lifted a huge weight off my chest. Sumo huge. Rosemary Shanahan huge. I felt like I should go home and have makeup sex with myself huge. I'm going to look into counseling and possibly meds too. One of my dear blog buddies mentioned it might be a thyroid problem, which got me excited at first since I thought my boobs might get bigger.

No such luck... On the boob thing. I don't know about the thyroid yet.

Tomorrow: Weekend Recap
Wednesday: Pictures

After Too Much Ado: I'm finally lifting some of the construction tape on Twisted Tink. By five today there will be 7-8 chapters (previously chapters 1-16) up for review. If you've been following along with the story this far, you're going to want to reread them. I have made tons of revisions and additions in the interest of you, my reader(s). I would really appreciate some constructive criticism. So pull out your red pens and let me know what you think!

All Cried Out

"I feel mean," I told Hoop last night.

There it was, on the floor....

"There's no logical reason for it. I'm not mad at you or anyone in particular. I just... Haven't felt happy for awhile. Even when things go right, I can't enjoy it. I can't stop thinking about all the things that are wrong or need to be done. I used to be so happy. I used to view every day as an adventure, even the bad ones. But now I'm just bitter. My first reaction is to get angry, and usually it's for no good reason. I avoid talking to people at work. I go out of my way at lunch to be secluded. I feel mean, and I can't make it go away."

Yesterday Nash pulled the baseboards off our living room and discovered termites. Termites in the most central part of the house. An infestation would mean replacing the walls... The newly painted walls. It was the last straw in a very long and disappointing process. For the rest of the night I felt disjointed, unable to participate in the conversations about work or upcoming vacations. When Hoop's Dad started digging at how much trouble our termite problem was going to cause us, I completely shut down.

"It's like having a full plate that keeps refilling itself. Even after I'm full, someone keeps making me eat."

For months I've suspected depression. I've tossed the thought around and then tossed it away. I can't be depressed! I'm the person that makes people sick with my optimism. I'm the person Hoop's SIL said was, "disgustingly happy." How long ago was that? Over a year. Has it really been that long? So I confessed it last night to the man I love. The man I've yelled at unnecessarily. The man whose arms I've turned away from because I'd rather cry alone. The man who has missed me, desperately.

"I need help, Hoop."

And now I'm confessing it to you.

"We'll fix this, babe. I promise. Everything's going to be OK."

Catastrophe Averted

Updates:
1. Grandma's surgery went well! They didn't find cancer in any other organs. She's recovering and should be back at home (on bed rest) come Sunday.
2. There are over 200 fires in Florida right now. They say the dry spells are getting worse. In the past six months there have been only two days of significant rain, and they were the same days we had tornadoes. Maybe Hoop and I should put our house up for sale as "Future Desert-Front Property"?
3. The fire near my parents' house has slowed down a bit, thanks to Subtropical Depression Andrea. No new evacuations have been ordered as of yet.
4. Hoop has decided he wants to become a stripper.
5. Not really. I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

Around The Water Cooler:
Boss: I have nothing to say to you.
Tink: Then why say anything at all?
Boss: Oh, you're gooood.
Tink: That's why you hired me, sir.

Around The Water Cooler 2:
Coworker: I heard about the fires near your parents' house. Is everything OK?
Tink: Yeah, Papa Bear said he'd call if they evacuate.
Coworker: Are they going to stay at your house if they do?
Tink: Well, the boys will. Papa Bear is determined to stay and fight off the flames himself.
Coworker: WHY?
Tink: He says it's because they wouldn't have time to move the horses. Personally, I think he's itching for the chance to play hero.
Coworker: So... Barbecue at their house on Friday?
Tink: Pretty much.

Tagged By Cindi:
7 Things Meme (Seven random facts/habits about me)

1. I can't pee if I know someone is listening. It wigs me out.
2. I used to bite my toenails.
3. I'm a compulsive hand washer. Which also means I go through A LOT of lotion. But I also don't get sick that often.
4. I can't stand carpet. I think having carpet is like wearing the same shirt every day without washing it.
5. I love ears. I nibble and play with Hoop's all the time. I used to tug on mine whenever I was nervous. Then someone pointed it out.
6. I used to wish I was a hot Asian chick.
7. I hate suspension bridges, but LOVE roller coasters.

P.S. Tag, if you're feeling froggy.

May Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. names for a womans privates Check out my list here.
2. where can i buy pickled beef That depends. How much money have you got?
3. taboo 3 - two 40ish moms seduce pizza guy That's taboo?
4. it's your virgin, take it back How did it get stolen in the first place?
5. dog diarrhea puke cures I suggest plugging up the holes.
6. Thinking Room Sorry, next blog. This here is the Stupid Room.
7. hottest chick of mud bogging The first one you find with all of her teeth.
8. Why do my girlfriends nipples taste funny? Hoop?!

Steak For Dinner

I saw the Karma Cow this morning.

She was standing in the middle of the road, having a Mexican Standoff with my SUV. A situation that resulted in me pleading with her, a COW, to please move because I was going to be late for work.

You're probably wondering how I knew who she was. I mean, a cow looks like a cow right? I knew because it started raining right after. We've been living in smoke for two weeks. The smell of it has permeated the house, our clothes, and my hair. 18,000 acres and counting. One of the fires is just miles from my parents' house.

On top of the raging infernos, there is a subtropical storm (Andrea) off our coast, three weeks ahead of schedule. Hurricane season doesn't start until next month! What gives? When I first heard about her I thought, "Great! Maybe she'll put some of these fires out." But apparently she's packing a whole lot of wind and little else.


(Click and enlarge for better viewing.)

Along with the fires and storms, my Grandma is having a Hysterectomy tomorrow. They wont know if the Uterine Cancer has spread until they operate. We're all hopeful. Hence the early invitations to the funeral. The funeral for her uterus, that is. Please, no flowers. But feel free to send chocolate if you'd like, in remembrance of those days of PMS.

Hoop's family came into town last night. Nash and his son, QT, are staying until Saturday. Hoop's Dad will be here until Tuesday. Although I love the company, and am appreciative of all the help they're lending, I can't help but feel a little overwhelmed. As the token female, I feel obligated to make sure everyone is comfortable. No small feat in a house that's only half done.

Then there's QT, the adorable and willful three year old. He refuses to poop in the potty, despite my promises of a "Doo-Doo Party" if he does. The last time he stayed, our house reeked of shit for days. Mmmm, poop and smoke. What a lovely aroma the house will have. The only thing that would make it better is if the dog gets sick again.

Back to the rain...

Five minutes after I left the Karma Cow, it stopped.

So much for bovine intervention. Perhaps I'll eat steak tonight.

HOUSE UPDATES:

Living Room


Dining Room, With Table



These Captain Chairs were stolen out of a dorm by Hoop's parents when they were in college. I love them. They're very masculine. I'm looking for some feminine touches to add to the rest of the dining room to even it out. Any suggestions?

Master Bedroom


Computer Room

This is where the magic happens. Pathetic isn't it? I need to buy a desk.

Gone Dancing

Head over to Sunshine's to take part in all the prom festivities!

For those of you who missed it, the pictures of prom-past were posted on Monday. Including mine with the infamous KG. Go on. You know you're curious.

Regularly scheduled posting will resume tomorrow, after I've sobered. Have fun!

Troubled Paradise

Weekend Recap:
1. Friday night, Hoop and I took my little brothers to go see "Spiderman 3."
2. When we got there, about an hour and a half before the showing, a line had already started forming for seats.
3. So we decided to skip our dinner plans and camp out instead. We amused ourselves by talking with the people around us.
4. To our left was a young couple who claimed they NEVER missed a new movie.
Tink: Never?
Young Woman: Never. Sometimes I skip sleeping so we can see a midnight showing.
5. At a cost of $12.00 (for two tickets), times 4 (the average number of new movies per week), the couple spends about $2,304 a year at the theater!
6. With the average income for the area being $24,087. That's 9.56% of someone's yearly earnings!
7. The movie was decent. Not worth the wait and mad rush for seats. The majority of the plot was spent on Peter and MJ's romance. Disheartening, considering the actors have absolutely NO chemistry together. About 40 minutes of the movie were fight scenes, only 15 of which had Venom in them.
8. Saturday morning I drove the boys home and then went back to the "crib" for cleaning.
9. Cleaning, for a place that has virtually no storage or furniture, consists of piling things in stacks in the corners. The most popular phrase in my house right now is, "Where is---?" or "Have you seen---?"
10. Yesterday I found a screwdriver in the dirty clothes hamper. When I went to go place it with other tools, I found an empty bottle of orange juice chilling out with the wrench.
11. I keep bugging Hoop about getting things fixed: the missing baseboards, the holes in the walls, the nonexistent electricity and plumbing in the kitchen, the fans with no blades...
12. He keeps assuring me that his Dad will help fix it when he comes into town. His Dad, the man who has rescheduled on us three times. The house is never going to get done.
13. So I've decided to run away. I'm looking to be adopted out. Any takers? I make a mean Pork Chop Marsala!
14. Saturday evening Hoop decided to bite the bullet and charge a new PS3 and receiver on his card. But when we went to make the purchase:
Electronics Employee: I'm helping this customer and then I'm going home.
Hoop: Is there anyone else who can help us?
Electronics Employee: Nope.
15. I'm not sure what pissed me off more, the prospect of shopping for entertainment equipment longer than we already had, or being treated so rudely.
Tink: Excuse me.
Manager: Yes?
Tink: My boyfriend and I are looking to spend a LARGE amount of money at your store. But apparently, your employee doesn't want to take it. Instead of helping us, he just told us that he's about to go home and that no one else in the entire store will be able to help with our purchase. Is that true?
16. I couldn't tell who was more horrified, the manager or Hoop.
17. In the end they gave us a an extra $20 discount on our purchases and followed us around with a cart as we shopped. I think that's the closest I'll ever get to feeling like royalty!
18. Sunday morning I awoke to Hoop organizing the garage. For the first time in three months we can walk through without having to play Frogger with all our stuff.
19. Mark that down in the calendar folks!
20. But the joy I felt from that accomplishment was quickly ruined by what happened last night.
21. After spending an hour putting our bedroom fan together, I called Hoop in to examine my handiwork. I was a bit frustrated because certain parts seemed a bit loose, so he dismantled it to find the problem.
22. In the process of putting it back together, he shattered the glass dome.
23. I'll admit, I was angrier with him than I should have been. But my patience for this never ending project of ours has begun to shrivel. I called him "destructive." He got defensive. We both went to bed angry.
24. Then I dreamt we were having a fist fight. So of course I woke up angry too.
25. Why couldn't I have had a makeup sex dream instead?!
26. I'm still grouchy. So in order to lighten the mood, here are some conversations on the house:

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: Look at that building. It's huge! Is it a house or a church?
Hoop: It's a house.
Tink: Are you sure?
Hoop: I'm sure.
Tink: But... Isn't that a cross in the front yard?
Hoop: No.
Tink: Look, there's a sign. It IS a church! I thought you said it was a house?
Hoop: It is a house. It's God's house.
Tink: Smart ass.

Mom Quote Of The Day:
"I think we should have a funeral for Grandma's uterus. After all, it was my first home."

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Hoop: Are you going to leave me?
Tink: No way!
...
Tink: Wait, did you mean right now or forever?
Hoop: Forever.
Tink: Good. Because I really have to pee.

Not Far From The Tree:
(While eating at my parents' house)
Hoop: I am so full!
Tink: Throw that piece back in the pot then.
Hoop: Ew! You really think someone is going to want to eat it?
Tink: Well, that depends. Are you a forker or a biter?
Papa Bear: Forker! *Bursts out laughing*
Hoop: Forker?
Mom: I fork AND bite.
Tink: No, no, no. I meant-
Papa Bear: You forker!
Mom: See? *Forks off a chunk of meat and bites it off*
Tink: That's not-
Papa Bear: Mother forkers.
Tink: Nevermind!
Hoop: I knew what you meant.
Papa Bear: So did I.
Mom: Me too.
Tink: I hate you all.

Adios April

April Hit Statistics:
1. The primary day for hits was Monday.
2. The most popular hour being 4pm.
3. The top referrers were Jay and Alien.
4. The most used search term was, "photography: little red riding hood." Depends on what kind of photography. I wouldn't want to be sued.
5. My favorite search term was, "Sleeping Licker."
6. The highest hit post (218) was on April 23rd, the day I received a "Thinking Blogger" Award.

30 Quirks for 30 Days:
1. When I was growing up, my Mom was big on "Family Chore Day." I was designated Vacuumer.
2. Each time she would warn me, "Don't run over the cord!" I got it in my head that something horrible would happen if I did.
3. Like, maybe it would explode.
4. Because of this, I was scarred for the next 15 years of my life. I would literally break into a cold sweat each time I turned on the Bissel. Until one day when the unfortunate happened. I ran over the cord.
5. Not only did it NOT explode, but it didn't even suck up the damn cord.
6. I'll admit, I was a little disappointed.
7. I don't consider myself a person who has many "confessions."
8. If for no other reason than I admit them freely...
9. I like Pokemon video games.
10. Occasionally, for no apparent reason, I lose hearing in one of my ears.
11. I have a sneaking suspicion my nipples taste like onions.
12. Child protegees piss me off.
13. Sometimes I wonder if I have a split personality...
14. ...and if everyone is keeping it from me because they like her better.
15. I used to fantasize about shaving my head.
16. Until Britney Spears did it.
17. Everyone should have someone they aspire NOT to be.
18. When I was eleven, my girlfriends and I would sit by the radio on Friday nights hoping for a personal dedication.
19. After two months of waiting, we decided to take matters into our own hands and dedicate a couple of songs to ourselves.
20. And by a "couple" I mean twenty or thirty.
21. The radio station eventually banned us from calling.
22. I just wish they hadn't done it on the air.
23. That same year, one of my girlfriends gave me a jar of powdered Koolaid for Christmas.
24. I thought it was a little odd that she seemed panicked after I gave her a gift. As it turned out, she had none to give me in return.
25. But instead of confessing, she simply excused herself to the kitchen.
26. She fessed up years later. Which is really funny, since at the time I thought it was the coolest gift ever.
27. Some days I feel like Napoleon Dynamite.
28. Some days I feel like Hermione Granger.
29. The second happens less and less.
30. I've been known to do things solely for the amusement of my dogs.
31. Like pretending to be a cat...
32. ...or a wounded animal.
33. ...or a rabid monkey.
34. Maybe it's not the dogs I'm amusing. Hm.

Shake It Like A Polaroid

Courtesy of Odd Mix:


MEMORY: Day trip with Mom and Dad.

Omg. I look like an alien in this picture.

FOR GRAY MAMA



Don't you love the glasses?

IMAGINATION

What is it?

(Some Random Weekend Pictures)

Spring Flowers


Spring Flowers 2


Spring Flowers 3


Funny Faces

Nash's adorable son.

Ginger

Remember the Christmas miracle puppy? She's getting so big!