New Car Year Smell

I tried. I really did.

But I've come to the conclusion that I suck at planning trips. The idea was to surprise Hoop with a hotel room in Daytona for New Years. A place where we could get naked in peace, without having to fake a conversation about ties while we're "doing it" just so no one wonders why we're being so damn quiet. So I hopped on the internet, giddy with the prospect of finding a remote room on the beach within walking distance to the pier and a movie theater. A hour and a half later I realized...

There are way too many fucking hotels in Daytona.

The crap-holes are near the entertainment and the nice hotels aren't on the beach. None are inexpensive, and all but one offers two twins in a smoking room. Beds, not the Doublemint girls. My tired mind is ill equipped for so many choices. So it seems this year is going to end with more of a whimper than a bang. Hoop and I will probably end up in the backseat of my car with a bottle of rum making whooshing noises to simulate the waves. Depending on where we're parked, clothing may or may not be optional. And you know what? I won't be heartbroken. It's fitting.

For all the triumphs this year has brought, it's been a serious pain in my ass too. Realtors. House Selling. Job Hunting. Moving. Next year we'll find a new home, start a new life, and create millions of little moments/memories/adventures to share. I can't wait for the next chapter to begin. I hope Monday morning finds you safe my friends... and not covered in marker penises because you drank too much the night before and fell asleep before anyone else.

GOOD-BYE 2006!

6 Most Memorable Posts:
1. "Assurance" by Eric (The Great Elsewhere)
2. "Sometimes The Jokes Write Themselves" by Chris (Rude Cactus)
3. "Seven Years" by Arabella (Trattoria Breve)
4. "If Only..." by Mama Tulip (Where Am I Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?)
5. "Tales From A Redneck Wedding 1" and "2" by Alien (Planet Alien)
6. "A Letter From Zambia" by Lucia (Lucia Has Something To Say)

6 Favorite PB Posts:
1. "Dumpster Diving"
2. "Poking The Puppy"
3. "Bums In Love"
4. "Luke, I Am Your Fodder"
5. "Where Shit Meets Fan"
6. "Layers Of The Onion" and "Onion Soup"

6 Shiny New Resolutions:
1. Drink more water. There's water in beer, coffee, and soda right?
2. Be less stressed out. But where would I find that much elephant tranquilizer?
3. Take a vacation. You mean besides from my mind?
4. Stop making resolutions you won't stick to. Good idea!
5.
6.

Have a GREAT weekend/New Year! I'll see you all on Tuesday.

My Shared Minute

"Most of us pretend, with greater or lesser success, that the minute we live in is something we can share." ~Gregory David Roberts (Shantaram)

I crawled into the kitchen this morning for some coffee and found nothing but a bare pot. "Maybe I'll just eat some grinds," I thought. If that isn't an indication of how long this holiday has dragged on, I don't know what is. By Saturday, Hoop and I will have celebrated Christmas FOUR times! As a kid I would have thought that was pretty cool. But as an adult? My "holiday cheer" and "good-will to men" is stretching pretty thin. Papa Bear is going to burn the tree this weekend. Because, well... We're apparently redneck like that. If you see some chick roasting marshmallows over her flaming tree, it's me.

The point of all this mental vomit is that I don't really have anything great to blog about. The holiday has sucked the funny right out of me. So instead of some clever post with "Daily Hoop Conversations" and such, I'm going to tell you a horror story. It all started with a very sincere and thoughtful gesture. My Grandma, the one from my Father's side, sent me a Christmas card the other day with her email address written inside. So I wrote her and then she wrote back. Evidently that's how these things work. Attached to her email was a photo. "Your family," she wrote. I was curious, I hadn't seen any of them in over ten years. What I saw when I clicked on it though made me wish I was adopted...

It looked like a homemade production of "The Hills Have Eyes." Some of my cousins never grew into their heads. Others were lacking necks and waistlines, hidden under pudgy rolls of fat and fur hair. We are Italian afterall. All but one was frowning, and he had holes where teeth should be. Babies were being held up by their arms, bodies dangling, as if their parents were proclaiming, "Look what I made!" One cousin wore make-up so black I thought her eyeballs were missing. "That is not my family," I thought while deleting the picture. I still haven't figured out how to delete the memory of it though. So my question to you all is... How long do I have? How long until my Father's freakish genetics kick in? Cause I swear they all looked normal when I was a kid!

It's no virgin birth, but...

HOLIDAY RECAP:
1. Saturday, Nash came into town on a two week leave from Boot Camp.
2. Before leaving basic they made him sign a contract promising he wouldn't drive, drink, or smoke.

Tink: So mainly they don't want you to have any fun.
Nash: Pretty much.
Tink: Did they say anything about hookers?

3. We gave him a bottle of White Russian mix and Amarulla for Christmas. He was thrilled.
4. That night Nash, Hoop, Bob, and I went out to celebrate the holiday at the local bars down town.
5. I was on a mission to have fun. The boys were on a mission to find Nash a girlfriend.
6. Unfortunately the only girl we came across that met all of our standards was hanging out with four other dudes. I made a move anyway.
7. It wasn't until the end of the night, as the boys were trying to sweep me off for a beer run, that I realized how well my "move" had worked...
8. ...for me. Apparently she thought I was pretty cute.
9. On the way back to Grandma's, Bob struck up a conversation with a guy on a bicycle...
10. ...who decided to follow us home.
11. We passed around shots and asked our new friend about himself. "I'm a male whore," he sheepishly replied.
12. We laughed, thinking he was joking.
13. Then he suggested we call a local singles line for a little fun. It was free, so we agreed. We should have known something was off when he had all the numbers and prompt cues memorized.
14. Or the fact that every "joke" message he left began with "Hi, my name is Tom. I live in a brothel." Hmmm.
15. In the end Hoop sent the guy packing. He was just too creepy. But Tom-from-the-brothel didn't understand that. He decided we were outing him because he wasn't cool enough.
16. "Me, cool? Pfft. I'm the anti-cool baby."
17. Ten minutes later we forgotten he'd even been there.
18. We were too busy having a cherry fight in the backyard. No one knows where the hell the cherries came from though.
19. An hour later the boys dragged me out again for a little misadventure.
20. Which really means they wrestled each other all along the main street while I rolled my eyes and took pictures.
21. Then we paid a couple bums to take pictures with us. The best specimen was "Santa-Bum" who cheerfully told the boys to sit on his lap and then threatened to punch them when they wouldn't.

22. The day before Christmas was spent with Hoop's family. There was gift buying, gift opening, good food, and a poisoning.
23. But a trampling came before all that.
24. Two days prior, my parents took in a horse they'd never met before. He seemed like a suitable match...
25. ...until he decided to push my Mom down on Sunday and trample her. Good thing she's so tiny. She curled up in a ball beneath him where his hooves couldn't reach. After she was free she picked up her gun and-
26. Ok, so she didn't kill him. But she WANTED to. Instead she calmly called the carrier to take him back.
27. If that weren't enough drama for one day...
28. Hoop's Mom bought a 10 week old Cocker Spaniel puppy last week. She knew having a puppy would be hard work. She factored in the house breaking, the chewing, and the constant yapping. What she didn't factor in was her Mother's irrational fear of rodents.

Tink: What's all over the floor?
Hoop: Oh my God, it's Rat Poison.
Tink: It's what?!
Hoop: Mom, we have to rush the puppy to the vet. *Explains situation*
Mom: I'm sure she just ripped open the bag.

29. Luckily Hoop was not satisfied with that answer. He called the number on the back of the bag and a vet within 40 minutes of finding the poison.
30. They say she ate enough to kill her 3-4 times over. If we would have waited until after dinner, as Hoop's Mom suggested, it would have been too late.
31. The puppy is recovering right now. Although they won't be sure of her condition for three more weeks.
32. We searched the house afterward and found no less than 50 bags of poison scattered around the house. NONE had been eaten by rats.
33. Grandma claims she hears things scurrying around at night...
34. ...But she can't hear you talking to her a half a foot away. :)
35. Christmas morning brought the biggest haul Hoop and I have ever seen.
36. From Hoop I received the best present of all though, a painting by our favorite artist down town. There are only 35 in existence, and no prints.
37. It's of the building where Mom and Papa Bear got married and where Hoop and I would walk on our first dates. It's in the town where we met and shared a home. I can't think of anything more fitting to place in our new house.

What was your favorite present/memory this holiday season?


Contest courtesy of Odd Mix:

Gift


(In All Its) Glory


(Some Random Weekend Pictures)

Nip


Saying "Hello"

Can you spot the bee in this picture?

Miracle Puppy

Good Tidings

Pretend it was in an envelope:


(Click for larger image)

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: Nash is going to be late.
Tink: Oh no! Why?
Hoop: Dad set him up on a date.
Tink: That's wonderful!
Hoop: I think it's pretty shitty.
Tink: Are you jealous your Dad didn't set you up on a date with one of his rich friend's gorgeous daughters?
Hoop: No, I'm mad because this means he won't be in town until Saturday.
Tink: I was just checking.
Hoop: Listen babe. Happiness isn't getting the things you want, it's appreciating the things you have.
Tink: *Gasp*
Hoop: Oh shit. That was the wrong quote, wasn't it?
Tink: I sure hope so!

Not Far From The Tree:
Tink: You should thank Hoop for Papa Bear's present to you.
Mom: That's so sad.
Tink: Why?
Mom: Your boyfriend knows me better than my own husband.
Tink: I wouldn't say that!
Mom: I meant, as far as gifts are concerned.
Tink: How else could you have meant it?
Mom: What?
Tink: Huh?
...
Tink: Ewwww!
Mom: *Laughs*
Tink: So I come by it naturally then.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
(Christmas Jazz playing on the TV)
Papa Bear: What are you doing?
Tink: I'm crazy-dancing!
Papa Bear: Oh-kay.
Tink: Hoop and I used to do it all the time at our own house.
Papa Bear: Well what's been stopping you?
Tink: It's not our house. I think Hoop's shy.
Hoop: *Walks in* What are we talking about?
Papa Bear: I hear you crazy-dance dude.
Hoop: *Blush* I can't help but join in when I see her having so much fun.
Tink: Alright, I'm done for now.
Hoop: You should see her when she bakes.
Papa Bear: What happens then?
Hoop: She yells 'COOKIES!' and then breaks out in a crazy-dance.
Papa Bear: Probably from all the sugar.
Tink: No, it's usually before I bake them. So maybe it's the pre-sugar anticipation?
Papa Bear: You are NOT my daughter.
Tink: I think I'm the milk man's kid. Hence the cookie high.

DOT: Twisted Tink has been updated with a new chapter, "Prelude To War." It's a short one. But I also updated the chapter "Free" with a few clarifications as to why Tink went back to Casino City. Enjoy!

Courtesy of Odd Mix:

The words for this holiday weekend are...

Gift
Glory

I'll see you all again on Tuesday. Have a safe and happy holiday!

Checking It Twice

Nice: The verdict is in... You're not getting coal this year!


But you're not getting free cameras either.

I called "Bull's-Eye" yesterday and confessed the shipping error. So much for hypothetical eh? They're sending me a return label for the box. At first I wanted to believe this was Karma's way of saying, "Girl, you've had a tough year. Have two on the house!" But the more I thought of those free goods as mine, the worse I felt. I asked everyone I knew what they'd do in my shoes. Most became uncomfortable or answered uncertainly. Some claimed the mere thought was ruining their Christmas spirit.

Yesterday morning I realized, I have everything I want. I have a great family who is always there for one another. I have a partner who loves me completely, wanting nothing more than to share in my life. I have friends who make me laugh, who inspire and comfort me when I'm at my lowest. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my mouth. I don't need ill-gotten goods. Seldom are our choices so defined for us. How often does life GIVE you the perfect moment to do something right?

Besides... The disbelief in the guy's voice at the call center was well worth the anxiety. "You're calling because they didn't charge you?" "That's correct." "So... You got them for free?" "That's what 'not charged' means." "You want to ship them back?" "YES." "OK, we'll mail you a return label tomorrow." "Thank you." "I'm also going to write in this little comment box here that you are the most honest customer I've ever met." "Um, that's great."

EXTRA Nice: Look at all the Tink goodies Graymama sent me!

What a high. I'm never owning another thing without my face on it. ;)

Thank you GM for your thoughtfulness, your friendship, and your gift of making everyone feel special and loved. I am blessed to call you a friend.

Naughty: Dear Blogger staff.

THIS-

is highly uncalled for.

Even worse was the log on screen I got this morning. "Sign Into Blogger. But first, where do you blog?" So now you're segregating us? "NEW BLOGGER. Using your cool, innovative Google account." OK, so I added the "cool, innovative" part. But it was implied! "OLD BLOGGER. Using your Blogger account." Why do I have to be "old?" I'd much prefer "original" or "retro." Yeah Retro! The cool uncool.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: I have to find something used to wrap for the "White Elephant" gift exchange tomorrow.
Mom: How about that ugly ceramic clown I got for Christmas one year?
Tink: *Shudder* I hate clowns.
Mom: You don't have to touch it. It's in a box!
Tink: Noooo.
Hoop: You HAVE to take the clown.
Mom: I bet someone would really like it.
Hoop: Take the clown.
Mom: It's just not my thing.
Hoop: If you don't take the clown you're going to get into a horrible accident tomorrow.
Tink: Hoop!
Mom: I'll even wrap it for you.
Hoop: I had a dream last night that you took that clown-
Tink: Oh FINE! I'll take the stupid clown.
Hoop: *Turns to Mom* Perfectly executed Good-cop/Bad-cop.
Mom: Thanks.
Tink: Hey!

Just Add Strippers

Also known as, "Yet Another Poll."

Let's pretend you bought two cameras from a reputable online source. We'll call that source Bull's-eye. Only instead of getting the two cameras you ordered, you got four. Hypothetically, of course. While we're pretending, let's just say you waited for your bank to be charged but it never was. What would you do? And by "you" I mean YOU, not what you think is morally right and what you would advise someone else to do. Face it, they're not always the same thing.

In case you need help, here are some pros and cons for all three options.

1. Take them back, confess there was a mistake.
PRO: It's the "right" thing to do.
CON: You get diddly squat for it. What, were you expecting an article in the newspaper?

2. Return them for the money/credit.
PRO: Your wardrobe hasn't been updated in five years. That cash could be well spent!
CON: One word dude, "Karma."

3. Give them to someone as a gift.
PRO: Charity, to those with less than yourself, is always appreciated.
CON: You've officially made someone an accessory to your crime.

OK, you have the facts hypothetical scenario. Now vote!

What would you do if you received free goods by mistake?

Take them back, confess there was a mistake. Return them for the money/credit. Give them to someone as a gift.

Make Free Online Polls

Look at poll results HERE. No looking before you vote!

InADvisable: Thank you Folioweekly for providing the blog fodder.

Women Seeking Men:

GORGEOUS BARBIE DOLL. 25-year old model, sophisticated and intelligent, enjoys upscale lifestyle. Looking for gorgeous, charming, and financially secure white gentleman between the ages of 40 to 75 for exciting adventures in travel, dining, and more! You don't think she's in it for the inheritance do you? Nah.

Women Seeking Men:

LET ME SPOIL YOU. Do you have high expectations, education, and appreciation for civility spiced with a desire for adventure? 50+ smoker, social drinker, seeking long-term relationship with height proportionate to weight woman who won't settle for less than she deserves. Most people would just say, "no short fat chicks." Not Rico here. He's suave.

Men Seeking Women:

WANTED. One good-hearted woman who can forgive and forget. One soul-searching woman who can overlook the small things and enjoy someone for just who they are and not who they ain't. Someone alive and ready to jive. This whole ad screams, "DAMAGED GOODS!" Word to the wise women, scratch-and-dent models are only good for washers and dryers. Besides, if this guy feels the need to clarify he wants someone who's "alive" you have to question his standards.

OLDER GIRLS ARMY. Toenails painted, sandals, hair, makeup perfect, shoulders back, lick those lips and smile! Be proud girls, you're at your finest hour! White man, 50, 6", 200, non-smoker, non-drinker seeking open-minded, sensual, mature female seeking pleasure, companionship, mutual appreciation! Every time I read this my mind attaches it to the voice and face of a 40 yr. old gay man... Oooh, this time he has a tiara.

I Saw You:

BOWL AMERICA. Day after Thanksgiving. You made me a Coke that cost "an arm and a leg." Do you want the rest of me too? Took you a little too long to fill the cup ("too much fizz"), almost caught your stare. The cost of inflation is becoming ridiculous. What are they going to charge next, our first born?!

HOW CAN I THANK YOU? Friday night, November 17th. You saved my life! Gave me a place to stay. Woke up not knowing where I was. I would like to thank you and return your burgundy blanket. Ms. Lohan? If you don't remember how you got there or who helped you, chances are you ALREADY "thanked" them. So put another notch on the bedpost for good measure and clean yourself up for Christ sake.

Pickled Beef will be closed tomorrow due to an unscheduled invasion by unstoppable evil forces... otherwise known as WORK. But you all can loiter if you'd like. Just don't drink all the beer.

Slo-Mo

Imagine a sloth covered in molasses... Only slower. That's me today.

On top of my unmotivatedness (I know it's not a word, bite me) everyone and their brother has decided to pop in today.

NONE of them brought chocolate. The nerve.

Weekend Recap:
1. Since moving out of our house I've developed an irrational fear that Hoop is going to die on me...
2. ...not that he'll leave because I'm a stressed out nutcase who keeps confusing her lighter for her chapstick, which would seem more realistic.
3. Hoop would like me to clarify that he has NO intention of leaving me, even though I am a stressed out nutcase who keeps confusing her lighter for her chapstick.
4. Friday Hoop and I were supposed to have a relaxing evening alone at my parents' house. They'd left for a hotel in Jax so they could take my brothers to the airport in the morning. It didn't turn out so relaxing.
5. As I was driving home and talking to Hoop on my cell, the signal began to fade. "I'll call you back in five minutes," I told him.
6. I couldn't reach him again for an hour and a half.
7. At first I tried to rationalize the situation. "Maybe his phone died? No, it's ringing. Maybe it's on vibrate? But he answered it before. Besides, wouldn't he worry that I haven't called him back yet? Oh my God, maybe he got into a fatal accident!"
8. Nice leap there huh? Phone's on vibrate... to fatal accident.
9. As it turned out his phone really was on vibrate.
10. He called. I cried hysterically while babbling something about seatbelts and reckless driving. The situation was resolved. But the irrational fear is still there.
11. I can't stop daydreaming about covering him in bubblewrap.
12. Saturday we drove over to Hoop's Mom's house and spent the day walking around our old town. After living in the country for a month we've realized how nice it was to be by restaurants and shopping districts.
13. I've done all my shopping lately in a CVS. It's just not the same.
14. Especially since the cashiers all know me by name now. *Shudder*
15. All in all it was a great day. We laughed, and talked, and recreated our first kiss in the cemetery. Well, we tried.

Tink: Wasn't our first kiss in front of the prayer house?
Hoop: I thought it was in front of the Nuns' gravestones.
Tink: Maybe it was further down. Oh crap, I'm STANDING on a grave.
Hoop: I'm pretty sure that praying Jesus statue was to the right of us.
Tink: Those tourists are staring.
Hoop: Well then hurry up and kiss me.

16. Maybe we should have picked somewhere a little more normal. ;)


Contest courtesy of Odd Mix:

Celebrate

Santa's Budman's Helper

(My) Joy...



...is living near a place this beautiful.

(Some Random Weekend Pictures)

Oil Lamp Graveyard


On The Fort Wall


Hues

The Bandwagon

Do you know what I hate about memes? They're like the flu. By the time I get around to it, everyone's already caught it. So blame Jay, Odd Mix, and my gift of procrastination for the revival of this one. *Grin*

"6 8 12 Weird Things About Me"
1. I hate mac-n-cheese and most breakfast foods. Hoop says that makes me UnAmerican.
2. I can bend my fingers backwards and drink out of my hand like a bowl. It's a great bar trick.
3. Cold things don't bother my two front teeth. I can sit them in ice cream for a full minute without being the slightest bit fazed.
4. I have duck feet.
5. I can't stand fabrics that are too soft. My brain translates them to feel oily or slick.
6. Whenever I makes lists I can never stop at the designated number. Hence the reason this list is 12 "things" long instead of 6.
7. I'm so good at procrastinating I once wrote a speech on it, ten minutes before class, and got a better grade than the people who'd written theirs the night before.
8. I'm terrified of suspension bridges.
9. My natural hair color looks wet. People either think I just got out of the shower or that I'm wearing a ton of hair products.
10. I shave every day.
11. I can read and write backwards.
12. Sometimes I can taste foods just by thinking about them hard enough.

Stressed spelled backwards: ...is desserts. Coincidence? I think not. Things have been a bit crazy lately. I'm so busy at work I've begun to suspect the whole town is staying continuously drunk. For those of you just tuning in, I work at a beer distributor. All day long I get to look at things I can't have. At least I don't work at Tiffany's or a Porsche dealership. Between the 3-4 hour daily commute, Hoop and I haven't had much time for each other. That tends to make us both cranky... and horny. We've decided not to look for a house until after the New Year. So that stress has been eliminated for a while. Some other things that might be taking the back burner: Twisted Tink, anything fancier than a hairband, and all efforts to have a night out that involves spending over *digs in purse* 82 cents. I appreciate your patience... Or your ability to fake it. PB/TT should return to normal abnormal soon.

December Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. saggy scrotum Sounds like a personal problem.
2. sorry tink that's never happened before *Sigh* You're paying for the dry cleaners right? My last names not Lewinsky ya know.
3. dunce hat sit Sorry, I've only perfected the Walk-O-Shame.
4. pickled farts Makes great stocking stuffers!

Courtesy of Odd Mix:

The words for this weekend are...

Joy
Celebrate

P.S. Thank you all for your wonderful responses yesterday. I was already fairly certain how I was going to respond to yesterday's email before I posted. But reading your comments was a huge comfort to me, and I feel I've learned a lot more about you all through them.

Have a bitchin' weekend!

I'm A Model

Last night I received a package from Newt that completely made my week.


SPORK JEWELRY!

You're jealous aren't you?

I've dubbed them "Golden Spork" "When Sporks Fly" and "Born With A Silver Spork In My Mouth." I'm trying to convince her to start a whole line of them. Spork earrings, spork pendants, spork rings... I'd gladly model them! You know, as free advertisement. :)

Besides being such an amazing and thoughtful friend, Newt happens to be one of the most creative and clever people I've ever met. There aren't enough words to express my gratitude for having her in my life. Thank you Newt!

UPDATE: I'm wearing one of the necklaces today. So far only one person has noticed. She asked if it was "an Egyptian hand or something?" When I proudly exclaimed, "No! It's a Golden Spork." She just stared at it blankly and said, "Oh-kay then."

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(On phone together)
Tink: Did you get my text?
Hoop: I don't know, let me check.
Tink: You can check your texts while you're on the phone?
Hoop: Hold on, I'm putting you on speaker.
Tink: Why can't my phone do that?
Hoop: Yup, got it.
Tink: Well that's good.
Hoop: Could you hear me on speaker OK?
Tink: Yeah, just fine. I had a question for you though...
Hoop: What's that?
Tink: Could you hear me on speaker OK?
Hoop: What?
Tink: Crap. That was YOUR question!
Hoop: Oh. My. God.
Tink: Oh no, what was MY question?!
Hoop: Did you just accidentally ask me what I asked you?
Tink: This is serious Hoop! I can't remember my question.

Two For The Price Of One: After you get done admiring my new jewelry, check out today's second post below.

Struggle

"Fate gives all of us three teachers, three friends, three enemies, and three great loves in our lives. But these twelve are always disguised, and we can never know which one is which until we've loved them, left them, or fought them." ~Gregory David Roberts (Shantaram)

Two years ago I ended a friendship that had long exceeded its expiration date. There was something definitively rotten about it, as if the center had decayed without damaging the pretty outer wrapping. It appeared to be OK, but there was an unmistakable stench that hovered around it. I was fifteen when I first met her. I'll call her KG for the purpose of this post. She was fair, dyed red hair, and had a penchant for "harmless" trouble. It took me six years to realize that although her mischief wasn't law breaking, it did have it's victims.

I was one of them.

Like a beaver building a dam in the ocean, I was too foolish to realize how little impact I was making or how much bigger than me the problem was. "Don't call me again," I told her on the day I decided to let six years of effort be swept away. "There's no place for you here anymore," I said with more confidence and finality than I really felt. She apologized, as was her way when she knew she was in trouble. The sentiment was hollow. I knew that. It was given in the same manner every time...

The night she left me alone at a pool hall so she could screw some guy she'd just met. It had been my eighteenth birthday. The Christmas she regifted a friendship necklace because the other girl hadn't accepted it. The day she killed my pet mouse, a sick ploy to get me to leave our apartment. The last phone call that began with her telling me to resign myself to a fate with a man I didn't and couldn't love. She chided, "You can't do any better!" In that moment I understood... She was talking about herself.

This morning I received an email from her. I don't even know who this person is anymore. I know that I used to love her. But whatever hole she left has long been filled. The wounds healed and the memories filed. I read and reread her apology and I felt... nothing. No gratitude or sympathy, no remorse or anger. I don't even know what I could offer her. A year ago I started this blog. It felt like such an "adult" thing to do. I can't explain it. In the process, I feel that I've grown up. My idea of friendship has become more refined, largely in part due to the wonderful people I've met on here.

I feel more connected to some of you than I ever did with my "best friend" of six years! Is that sad or wonderful? Part of me would like to respond to her email, accept her apology and give her closure. It's hard to see people hurting. But wouldn't it be more harmful if in responding I gave her false hope? I have no intention of rekindling a friendship. There's a very small part of me that's glad she's in pain. It's the same feeling you get when the bad guy gets punished. But I'm no hero. And we're all a little evil.

And we're all in a little pain, most of the time.

Speed Of Thought

It took me three minutes to cross the bridge this morning. Before I'd reached the other side I had already plunged my imaginary self over the guardrail, taken inventory of my car, and calculated ways in which I could Macgyver my way to safety. Three minutes! None of the ideas I came up with were actually feasible mind you.

But my initial inventory left me with a cell phone, a wallet, a coke can, and a tampon to work with. I had to get creative. Luckily, the stick-figure-self my brain created on short notice was light enough to fit on the gigantic tampon floating device it created later on. Which was much better than the cell-phone-crowbar it used to jimmy the window open with.

In Other News: It's my Mom's birthday today. Last night she'd resigned herself to not celebrating it this year. Fortunately, the cosmos decided to have it without her consent. Not only has she received dozens of heartfelt birthday wishes from friends and family, but she's been contacted by a college textbook company that would like to use some of her business articles in their book! How's that for a birthday present? Today's post is going to be a shorty as I catch up on everyone's blogs and get some work done. Until tomorrow!

Realtor Slayers

Weekend Recap:
1. On Saturday Mom and I ran out to do a little Christmas shopping.
2. The problem she's had on previous shopping trips is finding some of the items my brothers want.
3. Of course they're the most popular items of the year, making them damn near impossible to find.
4. Mom wasn't hopeful for our trip either. The malls and stores were packed.
5. But one after the other, we found them ALL.
6. Apparently I'm a good-luck shopping charm for other people.
7. I'm still one gift short for Hoop though, and I'm stumped.
8. I THOUGHT I was done a week ago. I'd planned out my gifts by October and had everything ordered and shipped before Thanksgiving.
9. But then Hoop went out and bought me the "most perfect present ever." Mom assures me it's not jewelry, although it IS expensive.
10. Suddenly my presents don't seem good enough.
11. And the things he'd really like (a big screen, a new car, a trip to the Playboy Mansion) are far too expensive for my budget. *Sigh*
12. Saturday night Hoop and I went out on a date. It was... interesting. We had dinner at The Pancake House. I had shrimp.
13. Shrimp, at The Pancake House.
14. Hoop vowed to never go back again. I think he said that the last time we ate there too. So we'll see what he thinks the next time he wants pancakes. ;)
15. Then we went to see The Fountain, a movie I'd been looking forward to all week. We were two of five people in the theater. That should have been the first indication.
16. Hoop and I like films that make you think and aren't always the easiest to figure out. But THIS movie was like a bizarre acid trip.
17. Hoop hated it. I hate the fact that we couldn't stop talking about it and that I'm still trying to figure it out. But the goal of the night was to have some alone time with each other and I'm extremely grateful that we were able to.
18. Sunday we went house shopping with our new Realtor, who gets less and less friendly each time we meet her.
19. Hoop and I think we're the Realtor Slayers.
20. "Placed on Earth for the purpose of destroying all evil Real Estate Agents!"
21. ...or at least annoying them into submission.
22. The houses she showed us were in the Ghetto. At one point she freaked out because a young group of hoodlums were crossing over to our side of the street. "Get in the car! Get in the car NOW!" She screamed.
23. I've seen scarier kids at the Flea Market. But it still made me wonder, what the hell she was thinking when she brought us there?
24. An hour later she decided to give up for the day. "You guys have wine tastes on a beer budget," she joked. Only she wasn't really joking.
25. The crazy thing is, Hoop and I could probably get a better deal in the town we just moved from. Which, unlike the area we're looking in, is 10 minutes away from the beach AND a main highway.
26. I think we're back to searching by ourselves. (Tink&Hoop: 3, Realtors: 0)
27. On a lighter note, I think Hoop and I have found a new career. Anyone need a Realtor Slayer? For a higher rate we'll take care of lawyers, bill collectors, and used car salesman too!

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(Friday night)
Mom: Do you have to work tomorrow?
Hoop: Yeah... You guys are more than welcome to come with me.
Tink: I think I'll pass.
Hoop: No really, they don't mind.
Mom: What's in it for us?
Hoop: Coffee.
Tink: Do you see that machine in the kitchen? The fancy one by the sink. It makes coffee too!
Hoop: Yeah but not like this coffee.
Mom: Oh? What's so special about your coffee?
Hoop: Magic beans.
Mom: MAGIC beans.
Hoop: Uh huh.
Mom: *Laughs*
Tink: I think we're still going to pass.
Hoop: Ohhhh-kay. But don't be surprised if you wake up in the car in the morning.
Tink: And how do you plan on doing that?
Hoop: Have you forgotten? I drink magic bean coffee baby.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Hoop: I'm so excited about your Christmas gift.
Tink: Oh yeah?
Hoop: You're going to LOVE it.
Tink: And you said Mom wants one?
Hoop: MmHmm.
Tink: I have no idea... Why don't you just tell me what it is?
Hoop: *Think's for a moment* OK.
Tink: Really?
Hoop: Sure. It's a robot.
Tink: A robot?
Hoop: Yeah, a lifesize one. It cooks, and cleans, and does laundry.
Tink: Just what I've always wanted!
Hoop: And it flies!
Tink: Can it fly with me on it?
Hoop: Of course.
Tink: What else does it do?
Hoop: It builds houses.
Tink: Wow babe. That's the best present EVER.
(Five minutes later)
Tink: So, what is it really?
Hoop: I told you! It's a robot.

Hoop Quote Of The Day:
You can always tell a gypsy by the white wall on their tires.

Not Far From The Tree:
(While driving around Christmas shopping)
Mom: I think I'm pissing off this guy behind me.
Tink: I've stopped caring what strangers think about me.
Mom: Yeah?
Tink: Yeah. They're only three second thoughts anyway.
Mom: Wow. That was really profound.
Tink: I know...
Mom: *Snort* You had no idea that was going to come out of your mouth, did you?
Tink: Nope.

I didn't take a single picture this weekend! I know, shocking. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't head over to Odd Mix's and see how everyone else played.

P.S. If you haven't picked up your Golden Spork yet, please do so below.

Golden Spork Awards

One year ago today, "Pickled Beef" was born. It all started with a Hoop conversation. A fitting beginning, don't you think? It never dawned on me that I'd still be here a year later, or that I would have met so many wonderful people in the process. So today, instead of celebrating a year of random writing, I would like to celebrate the people who kept me going. Without you I wouldn't be here. Thank you for one year of laughter, support, understanding, and inspiration. I love you guys!

Most of you could have fit into several categories. But this isn't the Oscars.

"Funniest" Spork Award
* Jay of Cynical Bastard: Blessed with one of the most humorous outlooks on life. Whether he's discussing celebrity sell-outs or giving the gift of paper shredders, he's guaranteed to get a chuckle out of you.
* Mignon of Thought Concoction: I love this woman's no-shit attitude and creative writing style. If we lived closer, I would throw parties just so I could invite her to them.
* Jay of Kill The Goat: Brilliantly funny and well written! Jay talks about everything from creating the perfect date night to why she always gets crap for Christmas.
* Chris Cactus of Rude Cactus: The only person who could make caulking a bathroom sound dirty. Chris' amazing photography, paired with his uniquely funny posts, makes for a five star blog you shouldn't miss out on.

"Inspiring" Spork Award
* Tammie of Soul Gardening: A pillar of strength and beauty. Her story is one of great sadness and even greater success. You'll be hard pressed to find anyone else who can write as eloquently as she.
* Arabella of Trattoria Breve: Resilient and self assured, Arabella is the kind of woman who can accomplish anything and make it look easy. Follow her journey as she blogs about being pregnant with twins and the ways her view on life has changed because of it.
* Debbie of Debbie Does Life: She was my first official commenter on Pickled Beef. Because of her, I felt compelled to continue what I'd merely started out of boredom. She's genuine and funny, kind and clever... an all around great person.
* Chelle of Fickle and Whim: Very little photography has ever made me strive harder to better my own. I simply never cared before. Once Chelle started posting hers though, with it's breath-taking clarity and perspective, I was inspired. I fully expect to see her art on exhibits someday.

"Endearing" Spork Award
* Chelle Y of The Story Of Me: I'm not a religious person. But even I can find warmth in the enduring faith and hope that this woman has, despite the adversity she's faced and the challenges she's had to overcome. You never feel unwelcome when you go to Chelle's blog.
* Gracey of Gracey's Space: Her positive outlook on life is always refreshing. No wonder she was once the favored student of Chelle (above).
* Heather of Hamilton Family Circus: It's hard not to love a woman who so openly includes everyone in her pregnancy, from updated belly shots to photos of the babies room. She has a sweet way of making you feel like family.
* Katie of La Casa de Agua: Lots of toddler funnies! If being cute weren't enough, Katie's little boy Luke also has a fascination with bubble wrap and screwing things into the floor with a cell phone antenna.

"Fascinating" Spork Award
* Lucia of Lucia Has Something To Say: An addictive site full of Lucia's travels and discoveries. You're guaranteed to learn something new and fascinating. I read just so that I might live vicariously through her ;).
* Alex of Happily Ever Now: An adorable documentation of single life in Hawaii. I haven't known her long, but I'm already hooked.
* Peggy of Lazy Gardener: She SAYS she's a lazy gardener, but so far I've seen some really interesting posts about Paris, and a sweet blind Collie, and a Scottish ghost story. No gardening... Not that I'm complaining! Hop on over for a really good read.
* MJD of Mama Said, Papa Said: and Gawilli of Back In The Day: Stories about what was and what isn't, memories, history lessons, great minds come together to remember. Don't miss out on these gems!

"Cleverest" Spork Award
* Mamalujo1 of Paterphilosophy: One of the most brilliant minds I've ever met on the blogosphere. He spins stories and poetry as if it were nothing more than taking in air.
* Eric of Great Elsewhere: Breaks the myth that blogging is only for chicks and Mom's. This guy will have you rolling as you read his brilliant spin on parenthood and the day to day antics of being a dude.
* Foo of Random Synaptic Misfire and Turtle of Cat Mewsings: Two equally witty people, paired together to form one great dynamic duo. Check out Foo's blog for grocery store mishaps and information on innovative bikes, or go over to Turtles for updates on cute and furry things.

"Pleasantly Surprised" Spork Award
* Betty of Old Dog, New Trick and Kell of Tis Herself: If you love Jay, you'll love Jay's Mom and sister. If I didn't have a such a wonderful family myself, I'd be begging to be adopted. Hop on over to their sites for book reviews, memes, and tidbits on life.
* Mike Y of Wilderness Voice When Mike appeared on my blog it was seemingly out of nowhere, but I was instantly glad for his offbeat sense of humor. It's rare to find someone who "gets" me Hoop so well.

"Crafty" Spork Award
* Graymama of The Beauty Of Gray: If ever there was a person to embody the spirit of mother nature, it would be Graymama. She's a little hippyish, has a huge heart, is a fantastic Mom, and creates the most amazing things with her hands (blankets, dolls, etc). It's hard not to gush about her.
* MrsPao of Musings: When she isn't talking about her feline family members, her adorable husband Pao, or the wonderful sights they travel to, she's busy going sock crazy! I bet her feet are never cold though.
* Deanna of Domestic Chicky: Wife, Mom of two, hairstylist, hobbyist, cook, blogger... Sometimes I wonder if this woman sleeps. Her energy and enthusiasm are highly contagious. If I could bottle it, I'd be rich!
* Peevish of Peeve: If you can get past all those adorable kitten pictures you'll find that Peeve is also a fellow knitter. Did you hear me? I said LOOK PAST the kitten pictures!
* Susan of A Slice Of Life: The blog of a fantastically creative Mom who apparently is a birthday planning genius. When I was a kid I was lucky to get homemade party hats. She MAKES her own pinatas. The only thing I can see that she's not good at is roof cleaning.

"Playful" Spork Award
* Newt of Newt's Muse: Some days I can't decide whether I should laugh or just e-hug her. She's the Mom to four furry children, and the wife in a fairy tale romance story. She's goofy, and clever, with a heart of gold. And she's just been armed with a new digital camera. Watch out!
* Chris of Stumbling Over Chaos: It's like a cute reality show for cats. Follow along in the antics of Chaos and Mayhem... oh yeah, and their owner Chris. I dare you not to say, "Awwwww."
* Alien of Planet Alien: A redneck wedding, an unwanted mouse, bear hunting season, leaf monsters... What do these things have in common? They're typical topics of interest on Alien's blog. Click on over, you won't be disappointed.

"Perfectly Random" Spork Award
* Acaligurl of Acaligurl: An eclectic jumble of posts and pictures that always leaves you guessing what's in store.
* Sassybead of Sassy Says: It's been awhile since she updated *hint*hint* But you can still find an array of posts on everything from voting, to art, to becoming a gym rat.
* Pamer of Only Idiots Use a Blog: Tired of the regular news? Pamer only posts the oddest and funniest articles around, backed by his own quips and comments about them. Pfft, who cares about lowering house prices? There are "Runaway Boobs" on the loose! Curious now aren't you?
* Sunshine of ...And The Pursuit Of Happiness: A perfectly quirky mind would be a better description. You'll love her post classifying party-goers. The whole time I was reading it I kept nodding my head and going "Oh yeah." She's like that. You'll start into a post wondering where it's headed and by the end of it she'll have you agreeing with her wholeheartedly.

"Celebrity" Spork Award
* Wordgirl of Half Of The Sky: Truly one of the most fluid writers I've ever read. Wordgirl has the capability of trapping you in a paragraph, reading it over and over again, simply because it's so beautifully written. On top of being a blogger she's a freelance writer and the mother to three handsome young men.
* Mamatulip of Where am I going... And Why Am I In This Handbasket?: When I first stumbled across Mamatulip's blog I thought for sure she was another Dooce. She's amazingly candid, incredibly funny, and probably more popular than she even realizes. So you see, it was easy for a beginning blogger like me to feel insignificant. But to my surprise, she never treated me as such and I am proud to call her a friend.
* Jess Riley of Riley's Ramblings: Our up-and-coming author! Jess has an undeniable spark that transfers easily into her writing. You'll understand instantly why she's destined for great things. (Just don't forget us little people OK?)

"Bold" Spork Award
* Lily of Gynocracy Invasion: A woman's blog for politics, news, and basic rants about men and life. Lily herself is both charming and self assured, a bomb-proof combination. I wish I'd known more females like her growing up.
* Freakazojd of Freakazojd's Palace: A hodgepodge of meme's, fun links, funny stories, and cool pictures... That is, when she's not MIA. Go see if you can coax her back out.
* Sarah of Solipsist: Lovely little posts about everything and nothing and all that's in between. She's also got the best search terms ever, not to mention the best responses to them.
* EE of The EE: There's never a dull moment on EE's blog. She's flirty, fun, and brutally honest. She gives hope to women that there is life after having kids and that Mom's can be goddesses too.

"Giving" Spork Award
* Mary of Why?: It doesn't get much more "giving" than working in the medical field. It takes a strong head and a soft heart to take on that profession. Both of which Mary has.
* Odd Mix of The Odd Mix: Loving husband, dedicated father, hard worker, outstanding photographer, King of the Weekend Word Challenge.
* G of Perpetual Exhaustion: The blog name says it all. With four young kids, two of them twins, it's a wonder she can find anytime to blog! Living proof that Wonder Woman does exist, and she's living in Ontario, Canada.

GEEZ, that took me forever!!

Feel free to leave your acceptance speeches in the comment box below.

Have a great weekend. I'm going to go soak my head now.

Twiddling Thumbs

So.

Now that this whole ordeal is over with, what the hell do I blog about?

Unbreakable: I blew up my own email box this morning. Apparently storing three years worth of emails on sub-folders is not a good idea. Who knew? Is there a market for Professional Stress Testers? I think I'd be good at that. As the training coordinator for my current company I usually tell all new employees, "You can't hurt this system. Believe me, I've tried." They laugh and feel better. But I don't think they really believe me. Two years ago our sales team used these archaic handheld computers that looked like the original brick-shaped Gameboys. They broke down about as much as Gameboys too. And who do you think got assigned to repair them? Me, the girl who breaks things just by thinking about them. I would fiddle with one of those handhelds for hours trying to get it to work. One day I realized... "If I screw with this long enough it's going to stop working altogether. Then I can send it back to the company for repairs!" They don't ask me to fix anything anymore.

5 Minutes Of Random Thoughts:
Start. Having sex in your parents' house is only kinky the first time you do it. There's something sensual about not being able to make any noise. You become totally aware of your partner's body... The way he breathes through his nose in bursts. The smell of his skin as you bury your face into his neck. The soft- "Oh my God we're having sex on my little brother's bed!" The realization that you're "doing it" where a 14 year old usually sleeps. If there's a Hell I'm sure there's a special place in it for awful big sisters. Do you think it would be obvious if Hoop and I buy him new sheets when we move out? Is this really any worse than my Mom donating the bed my littlest brother was conceived on to me and then telling me about it later? I would have been perfectly fine with her not telling me about it EVER. My roommates always said it was the most comfy bed they'd ever felt. I should have wondered more how they knew that. Ew. There's a reason why the saying doesn't go, "If (these walls) this bed could talk..." Same with toilets, underwear and tissues. I live with four men now. I hear enough about shit, balls, and boogers thankyouverymuch. But shoes? Shoes could be nice. End.

Golden Sporks: I've decided to have a blogger appreciation day of sorts. You all have been so supportive and understanding over the last few days weeks months. I would like a chance to show just how appreciative I am. So comment if you haven't commented in the last four days. Shit, comment regardless. I love hearing what you have to say! Anyone who's commented this week will get a- Wait a second. I'm not telling you that. You'll have to check back here Friday. And that's not just some marketing ploy. I use subliminal messaging for that.

Cha-Ching!

Argh. Blogger ate my original post.

Around 2 o'clock yesterday afternoon there was still no sign of my money. So I called the bank's office and was told, "There are no pending transfers for your account Ms. Erbell." Cue cussing. "How much did you say it was for?!" Asked the second teller I was passed along to. I told her and she laughed liked I'd just confessed to calling from the rec-room at the mental asylum. So I called the title company back. "Tink, tell me you have the money." "I don't have the money." "Shit! Ok, let me get you those transaction numbers." Not exactly the comforting response I was looking for. If you are in charge of someone else's money, "shit" should not be a word in your vocabulary. "Cha-Ching," on the other hand, is OK.

So I called the bank again and a gentleman in the transfer department finally located my funds. "They're working on it right now ma'm." "So does that mean it will show up in my account tomorrow?" "Oh no, it has to show up in your account today. If they don't process it before five they have to send it back." "SEND IT BACK?!" "We had some problems with our system this-" "You can't send it back. I may never get them to send it again! I have waited two weeks for this money." "They're working on it right now ma'm. I'm sure yours will be one of the ones that goes through." Great. First the grocery stores with their little sampler nazis, now the bank. Is everything first come first serve in this country? I checked my account hourly for an update. And then, at exactly 5 o'clock, it came through.

So you may be wondering... "How does it feel to be one of the richest homeless people around?"

Fan-fucking-tastic!

I only have one question. Do you think the bank would let me roll around in it?

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: I had the most awful dream last night.
Tink: About what?
Hoop: You were pregnant.
Tink: What's so "awful" about that?
Hoop: After you had the kid-
Tink: Was it a boy or a girl?
Hoop: I don't know.
Tink: You don't know?
Hoop: I was saying...
Tink: Sorry.
Hoop: After you had the kid you got some tattoos done.
Tink: Tattoos?
Hoop: Yeah, HUGE ones on your stomach and thighs to cover the stretch marks.
Tink: THIS is what your brain does on autopilot?
Hoop: *Sigh* I think working in an office full of women is finally getting to me.

November Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. how to reheat bakery food in space shuttle With solar power?
2. old hairy dude whitey tighties Please, keep your fetishes to yourself... or your psychologist.
3. hippie chick "smells like cheese" Let me guess. The "Frumunda" kind?
4. peeing outside steaming Not my first choice for a science fair project.

P.S. The "Goofy Legs" picture was taken in CVS. We were all kneeling on a kids stool that had actual legs. Kind of makes you do a double take hm?

Regularly Scheduled Blogcast

Weekend Recap:
1. Friday afternoon Satan my Realtor phoned me. "The buyer just called me in tears! Apparently he doesn't have anywhere to live and he's wondering if you would let him move in before you close. He's been sleeping on his Boss's couch with all his stuff in a UHaul. It's so sad."
2. Now she has a soul.
3. "No, you want to know what's really sad? Hoop and I have been homeless for two weeks now for no reason! We packed, moved, missed a really great concert, inconvenienced my family, and we didn't have to. Not to mention the hour and forty minutes Hoop has been driving to work each day, ONE WAY. So I don't want to hear about inconveniences or sob stories. I'm not letting anyone move in until the house is officially closed."
4. I found balls I never knew I had.
5. So they arranged a closing at six o'clock that night. Hoop met up with me at the attorney's to make sure I wasn't eaten alive.
6. It wasn't until later that I was told the buyer had already started moving his things in. The Realtors had assumed I would say it was OK before they asked.
7. While signing the paperwork I mentioned how much I would have liked to meet the person who was moving into our house. He had signed earlier that morning. "He's so nice!" The Realtor gushed to us. "And very cute. You would have loved him. In fact, if you and Hoop don't work out-" I stared at her for a moment in shock.
8. It's a good thing looks really can't kill, otherwise Hoop would have maimed her.
9. As we were leaving it started to storm. Hoop and I stood out in the rain for awhile holding and kissing each other, enjoying the conclusion to a rather horrible experience. In that moment I realized... If we can get through this, we can get through anything!
10. Saturday morning Mom, Big Bit, and I went to the local humane society to look at some rescue horses. Unfortunately we didn't get to see the horses, but we DID get to play with puppies.
11. Coincidentally, the boys' evil Step Mom was visiting a humane society up in Indiana at the same time. Only, the puppies she looked at weren't the cute Terrier or Lab mixes we looked at. They were Boxer-Dane mixes.
12. True to their name, when she reached in to pet one it jumped up and gave her a black eye.
13. Karma's a bitch. :)
14. Saturday night Hoop and I met up with his coworkers for dinner and a Christmas gift exchange. We ate too much, laughed a lot, and fought over who would get a Bart Simpson ornament.
15. I won.
16. Sunday Hoop, the boys, and I went Christmas shopping at the mall.
17. We all left declaring, "Next year I'm shopping on Amazon!" Seriously. I think I spent more on lunch than I did on gifts. Poor Hoop hasn't found a single present yet.
18. On the way home Hoop entertained my brothers with stories of his youth. One involved beating up a friend's car so his parents would think it was vandalized and not wrecked while their son was sneaking out.
19. Another involved a friend who backed up the school's sewer system by plugging the toilets with leaves.
20. I started getting worried when the kids didn't take the stories for the moral lessons they were. "Sweet!" Big Bit laughed. "Cool!" Lil Bit yelled.
21. "Shit," I mumbled.


Contest courtesy of Odd Mix:

(Color) Change:

A rarity in Florida.

Persist

Sometimes you take 20 shots just to get 1 perfect one.

(Some Random Weekend Pictures)

Me and My Shadows


On The Plate


Goofy Legs


Daily Hoop Conversation:
(After the company dinner)
Hoop: Do I have to...
Tink: Do you have to what?
Hoop: *Whispers* Hug them?
Tink: No.
Hoop: *Exhales* Oh good!
Tink: Were you worried?
Hoop: Well, once you start you can never stop. They'll expect hugs every time.
Tink: I think a handshake will do Babe.

I'm sorry I haven't commented on your blogs in awhile. I promise to make it up to you this week!

The Fat Lady Sings

The house has officially been sold! Now I'm waiting on the money transfer from the title company.

*Turns out the lights and locks the door*

Don't mind me. I think I'm going to take the rest of the day off. Check back here tomorrow for a Weekend Recap and my pictures for the WWC.

November Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. hicks picked pickled house Say that 10 times fast.
2. big fat gay load Don't expect it to be rainbow colored.
3. "hook line stinker" game Like when Hoop wags his butt in front of me so I'll come in for a squeeze and then he farts on my hands?
4. spooky hoop Only in the mornings.
5. "chick in the cake" Sure it's sexy and all. But think of all that ruined cake!
6. stinky sheets Are you wondering what to DO with them?!
7. cadillac deville ran out of gas and wont start Hmmm. So you're naturally blonde then?
8. can the liger beat the crocodile? Duh. They have magic powers.
9. ghetto christmas story Ta Da! I'm talking with someone about a movie deal right now.

UPDATE: Apparently the money isn't being wired today. The paperwork can't be submitted until I initial one more change to the HUD statement. I swear, these people love me so much they can't stand to see me go. Screw it. I'm off to drink rum and wrap presents.

Bring On The Eggnog!

Not Far From The Tree:
Tink: I forgot to tell you, the carpet cleaner explained why the carpet under our bed was so dirty.
Mom: Why's that?
Tink: Apparently dogs secrete oil through their skin, more so than humans. He said he sees the discoloration most often on couches.
Mom: That's gross.
Tink: Well just think of it this way, at least your leather furniture is well oiled.

November Hit Statistics:
1. The leading countries for visits on my blog were the US and Canada.
2. The primary day for hits was Wednesday.
3. The most popular hour being 4pm.
4. The top referrers were Mignon and Alien (again!).
5. The most used search term was, "Ghetto Christmas."
6. My favorite search terms were, "Fack Mama," and "Hoop Yo Ho."
7. The highest hit post (215) was on November 20th, the first blogging day after I met Tammie and Jeff.

30 Quirks for 30 Days:
1. I've been known to apologize for apologizing too much.
2. It all comes down to my "Guilty Child" complex. That doesn't mean that I am guilty, just that I feel guilty all the time.
3. Which is exactly why I had Hoop call our new Realtor to cancel our appointment with her on Sunday.
4. Then the Realtor called ME to say I didn't need to feel bad for canceling and that she wasn't angry.
5. Obviously she has kids.
6. Was I relieved? No. I felt guilty. Pay attention!
7. I wish humans came in colors like blue and green.
8. I have two staplers at work. One is a Swingline...
9. ...The other is a decoy so people don't steal my Swingline.
10. I always thought the monsters in Critters looked like hamburgers with teeth.
11. I'm fully aware that I'm a creature of habit...
12. ...I'm just not always aware of the habits themselves.
13. I've been told I tug on my ears when I'm nervous.
14. And that I tap my foot when I'm thinking.
15. And apparently when I'm horny I pinch Hoop's nipple and ask what time he's going to bed.
16. I believe all fiction has some autobiography in it...
17. ...and all autobiography has some fiction in it.
18. If you search the word "trailer" in my blog you get over 10 relevant posts.
19. Which equals 4% of all my discussions!
20. I can't believe you guys have stuck around this long.
21. The part in the Black Crowes' song "She Talks To Angels" that says "She'll tell you she's an orphan after you meet her family" makes me think of the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
22. Which either shows how much attention I pay to plot lines, or just how much of a nerd I really am.
23. Nerds can be sexy, right?
24. There are 24 letters in my name.
25. I own five pairs of shoes, and three of them are black boots.
26. I wish I could smell my own belly button to see if it stinks.
27. The company I worked for before this one requested I learn how to use their forklift.
28. I told them they'd have to buy bumper pads for it first...
29. ...and my own personalized crash helmet.
30. They never pushed the issue after that.

Holy crap guys. I stopped at 30!

Courtesy of Odd Mix:

The words for this weekend are...

Change
Persist

Don't be a wussy. Join the fun!

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: You have a hole in your butt.
Tink: *Turns around in circles trying to see own ass* Oh no! I love these pants.
Hoop: Your pants are fine.
Tink: Not if there's a hole in them.
Hoop: There isn't a hole in your pants.
Tink: What? But you just said-
Hoop: -You have a hole in your butt.
Tink: ...
Hoop: *Cheesy grin*
Tink: How old are you?!

Have a wonderful weekend!