Filthy, In The Not Fun Way

Weekend Recap:
1. Friday night Hoop and I blew off plans to go drinking so we could stay home and clean up dog puke, dog diarrhea, and dog puke that looked like diarrhea.
2. No matter how much you drink while doing it, it's just not the same.
3. Later on, once we'd sobered, we went to get some grub:
Hoop: Whatcha hungry for?
Tink: Anything but chocolate pudding.
4. We settled for soup and salads. There's something about cleaning up vile substances that makes you want to eat something healthy.
5. Saturday morning I got up early and went to visit Hoop at work.
6. But I got lost in the process and ended up screaming "Fuck!" in his ear instead.
7. To be fair, I got lost using HIS directions, which always seem to rely heavily on the driver's ability to mind read.
8. While mid-panic, I text Hoop the question, "First right or left?"
9. He replied, "Yesterday."
10. *Blink*
11. That evening we watched "A Clock Work Orange," a movie I'd always wanted to see but hadn't.
12. Fun Trivia:

Malcolm McDowell chose to sing "Singin' In The Rain" during the rape scene, because it was the only song he knew all the lyrics to.

Anthony Burgess originally sold the movie to Mick Jagger for $500 when he needed quick cash. Jagger intended to make it with The Rolling Stones as the droogs.

SPOILER: Despite its violent reputation, there is only one death in this film. Two, if you count Frank's wife, who died of Pneumonia.
13. Sunday, Hoop and I spent the day ordering kitchen appliances and putting together furniture.
14. Which probably sounds rather dull to you. But to someone who has been living out of boxes and bins for the last six months, it was Christmas.
15. I spent an hour shining our dining room table, simply because I could.
16. Later that day, after Duff had puked for what felt like the gazillionth time, I found the reason for his illness.
17. Sometime over the past four days the dog had decided it would be fun to gobble up a plastic flag.
18. At first I thought it was a tape worm, which really grossed me out since my method of searching involved using my bare hands.
20. "Oh God. Oh God. Oh God." I chanted while pulling the strand from the pile.
21. The good news is, he hasn't puked since. So cross your fingers he's on the road to recovery.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: What was that?
Tink: What?
Hoop: That look you just shared with the waitress.
Tink: I was trying to be friendly!
Hoop: Uh huh.
Tink: You got me Hoop. I was signaling for her to call me after she gets off work so we can get together and molest you.
Hoop: Alright!

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
(After reading THIS this article)
Tink: I understand why she was upset. I just don't understand why she won't accept their explanation and apology.
Hoop: She said why. She wants to be compensated with MONEY.
Tink: It would be one thing if the company that printed the labels was English speaking. But they're not, and it doesn't seem like they meant to be derogatory.
Hoop: Such is the world, babe.
Tink: You know what's funny?
Hoop: What?
Tink: If I bought a couch with the label "Cracker White" on it, I would not be offended.
Hoop: *Burst out laughing*
Tink: I'd probably tear it off and frame it.

Tomorrow: Prom Stories.
Wednesday: WWC Pictures!

Another Bitchfest Happy Post

Apparently, I caught Karma on a bad day yesterday.

Maybe she was having a heavy flow and they ran out of Chunky Monkey at the gas station. Who knows. What I DO know is that my day has been filled with more bizarre occurrences than usual. Which is saying a lot. I think Karma saw my post yesterday and decided, "Hey! This chick deserves seconds." Well, thanks. So I've decided not to tempt her again. Instead, I'll tell you why my day has sucked rocked.

Can You Hear Me Now? Nextel service has been down all day. But only on my work's road. Which is great, because I didn't buy a cell phone to talk on it. No! I bought it to weigh down my purse. You know, just in case someone tries to steal it and I have to use it as a weapon.

Speed Racers. All day I've had a craving for soup. So on my hour lunch break I decided to make the 40 minute drive (20 minutes each way) to the nearest Crispers. On the way I hit not one, but TWO, drivers going five miles under the speed limit. But I didn't get mad. It's good that they're cautious. Everyone knows speed kills. Or is it crack? Besides, I wouldn't want them to mess up their blue beehives with all the wind that comes from driving 30 mph.

Food Nazis. After I got to Crispers, I patiently waited in line for ten minutes to order. It wasn't until I'd reached the counter that they informed me the credit/ATM/overall IQ was down. Still, I refused to panic. There was an ATM across the street. When I came back five minutes later, I was happy to see the line had grown three times the size it had been before. Who needs to eat anyway? Food is fattening. I'll just stick to air.

Big Baby. On the way back to the office, I called Hoop to cry about my soupless status. "I'm s-s-so hungry!" I bawled. "I wasted my g-g-gas for nothing. All I wanted was some s-s-soup! I have money!" Like the wonderful guy that he is, he offered to order me a pizza. The moral of the story is... You get more sympathy by being pathetic than you do by being angry. And morals are good, mmmkay.

It Was A Sick Pig. With five minutes of lunch to spare, I pulled into the gas station for a quick hunger fix of tea and nibbles. The nibble that appealed was a small ham and swiss lunchable. As I got back in the car, I happened to look down and notice the ham inside the package was dark brown. Someone had broken the seal on the container and the meat inside had rotted. "I'm glad I purchased it and not someone else," I thought cheerfully as I dry heaved out my window.

I Got Skillz. "This meat is rotten," I told the lady behind the counter. "Did you open it?" She asked. "Nooo. It was already open. Hence the rotten meat." Since it had only been a minute since I'd left the store initially, I chose to believe this simpleton imaginative woman thought me capable of performing magic. Not implying that things decomposed at an alarming rate when around me. Finally! Someone who sees how special I am!

Got any news to vent boast about?

Courtesy of Odd Mix

The words for this weekend are...

Memory and Imagination

Next, she's bring back acne. The beautiful and funny Sunshine is throwing a Blog Prom. There's going to be stories, and pictures, and virtual spiked punch. All the coolest kids are going to be there. Don't miss out! Oh and... If someone doesn't have a date yet, let me know. Not that I'm looking. I already have the word out to Josh Holloway that I'm taking him. But on the rare chance he turns me down, I'll need a backup. ;)

Have a FANTASTIC weekend!

Bitchfest '07

Hey Newt! Remember that glowing review I gave about my dogs? Yeah, well...

Meet Culprit #1

Jazzi Nizzle (AKA Football)

Culprit #2

Duff (AKA Paneader, Panty-eater)

Hoop got home about thirty minutes before I did yesterday. I was greeted by the dogs as I walked in the door. It was then that I noticed Jazzi's back. It was completed covered in brown stuff. I bent over to get a closer look and realized the brown "stuff" was actually shit. "Oh my God!" I yelled as Hoop came over for kisses. "The dog rolled in poop!" If I hadn't been so panicked, the look of confusion that crossed his face might have been funny. "How didn't I catch that?" He asked. Then it dawned on me. Jazzi had been covered in shit, inside, unsupervised for the last thirty minutes.

I sent Hoop on a poop hunt as I stripped down and washed the dog. There's nothing quite like watching little shit balls bob around in a tub you JUST washed. The word "sobering" comes to mind. After the dog had been bathed and locked up to dry, Hoop and I ran through the house looking for more aftermath. I was upset when I found some on the carpet and wall, horrified when I found it on the brand new suede comforter. But finding it on the couch was the last straw. "Why does this ALWAYS happen? We are never going to own nice things!" I grumbled while scrubbing up the last spot.

Then Duff threw up.

He managed to hit the one area of carpet I hadn't needed to clean.

Apparently, he was disgusted by the situation too.

Road Rage: On the way home from work yesterday I was cut off by a large truck carrying a boat. Which wouldn't have been bad if the driver had decided to drive the minimum speed limit. It didn't help that we were on a no-pass stretch of road followed by a series of impassable hills. I seethed from behind my wheel and thought of a new book idea. The title is, "If you're going to fuck with rush hour traffic, have the decency to leave your fucking boat behind." Too long? I'm thinking of shortening it to "Work is better than fishing anyway."

Sometime after the truck cut me off, we arrived at the stoplight at the end of the road. It's an unspoken rule that the people going left squeeze as far to that side as they can. That way the people turning right can drive on the shoulder and not have to wait until the light turns green. So I made sure the truck in front of me didn't have its right turn signal on, then I cut to the side to pass. Only, there was a cop ahead of him who was also turning right but not following the "ride on shoulder" rule. So I waited in the dirt.

It probably would have been fine too, had the truck carrying the boat not wanted to turn right as well. But instead of using his turn signal, he decided to lay on his horn and flick me off. The light turned green and I moved quickly to pass him, pinning myself between the truck and the cop. Ten minutes later, the cop in front broke sharply to the right, letting me pass only to get in behind me. "This is it," I thought. But the siren never sounded. He rode my ass for fifteen minutes before turning off. With him went the truck carrying the boat. I think it's a conspiracy.

What do you have to bitch about? Go ahead. Lay it on me.

Digital Gallery

Courtesy of Odd Mix:


Field Of Pinwheels

I wonder how many childhoods were SACRIFICED because of abuse.

(Random Weekend Pictures)

Overpass


Copper


(Horses)

Three Amigas


Saddling Up


Round Pen Workout


(House Updates)

New Cabinets


Work In Progress


New Dining Room Chandelier






Living Room

Aliens and Electrical Tape

Weekend Recap:
1. I learned some valuable lessons over the weekend.
2. UNO: Never make lingerie out of electrical tape...
3. ...no matter how funny you think your partner will find it.
4. I'm sure my happy trail will grow back eventually, right?
5. Although I'm still looking for that missing nipple.
6. DOS: Never mix three kinds of cleaning solution in your bathtub...
7. ...unless you like not being able to smell anything for an hour.
8. What ever happened to more being better?
9. TRES: Don't introduce the foods you love to other people.
10. Otherwise, they'll rub it in every time they eat it without you.
11. CILANTRO: Don't pretend to know Spanish when you don't really know what you're saying.
12. Friday night Hoop and I went to see "The Reaping".
13. It wasn't our first movie choice. But most of the movies we want to see aren't coming out until May.
14. Despite the reviews, we thoroughly enjoyed it. Maybe it was because of our horribly low expectations. Which is the reason I'm not going to tell you anything about it.
15. No pouting! I never claimed to be nice.
16. Did you know they're making "The Hobbit" into a movie?
17. Saturday, as Hoop went off to class, I started in on the house. "It's just you and me buddy," I told it. "I have Windex and Pledge and I'm not coming out until you're clean."
18. I half expected the walls to come alive and eat me. But no. Nothing as dramatic as that. The house is entirely clean now, for the first time since we moved in!
19. Sunday I got up at the crack of dawn and drove out to my parents' house for an all-ladies shopping day...
20. ...which didn't start until NOON.
21. "That's OK Mom. I'll just have another pot of coffee."
22. Sunday evening, as I was driving home, I got stuck behind a large white truck. From the angle I was sitting I could see the driver clearly from the truck's side mirror. It must have been a trick of the light, or the way she had her hand positioned. But for five full minutes I thought I was driving behind...
23. ...an alien. No shit. It really wigged me out.
24. After I realized the driver was not an alien, but rather a puffy haired old lady with sunglasses, I started to fantasize about ways I could use aliens to scare Hoop.
25. My thought process went something like this... "What if I got a professional make-up artist to make me look like an alien and then I popped out from behind the door when Hoop got home? I bet that would scare him! Or maybe I could wake him up in the middle of the night when he's too sleepy to be thinking straight. Yeah! I bet that would scare him too."
26. But then I thought about how expensive a make-up artist would be. So I decided to call Hoop and tell him about it instead.
27. He wasn't as amused as I thought he'd be. Maybe it was because I was laughing too hard to explain it right.
28. Or maybe he was worried about anal probes.
29. Sunday afternoon, Nash and his son (QT) arrived into town...
30. ...followed by a call from his ex-wife.
31. She is agreeing to sign over her rights as QT's Mom. She claims she just doesn't have the time to invest in it.
32. As sad as that sounds, it's a victory we've all be hoping for. Now Nash and his child can move on with their lives worry free!

P.S. Twisted Tink is still under construction, and may continue to be for a couple of weeks. I'm making great headway in the revisions though. I think those who have so kindly followed along in the process will like/agree with the changes. If you have any suggestions, please comment on the site before Friday.

Tomorrow: WWC Pictures!

Skull Shaped Blog

Thank you all for giving Hoop such a warm welcome to the blogosphere! He hasn't gotten a chance to read or respond to any of the comments yet, due to a 40 hour crash course he took over the weekend for his job. But he called repeatedly to ask how many responses he'd gotten and if "any were good." So I can only hope this will mean more guest posts from my lovely other half.

In other news...

Sunshine of "The Pursuit Of Happiness" has nominated me for a Thinking Award. Feel free to covet it.



In the year and a half since opening this blog, this is the FIRST award I've ever received. Part of me wants to frame it. It would go great next to my pretend professional degree in Bullshit and all those ribbons I got in Elementary P.E. that say "Number 1 Contestant." Which is just a fancy way of saying I tried. So thank you Sunshine. You completely made my week. Here's why she says I deserve it:

Tink is one of those people I’d put in the “old soul” category. She’s an adorable little tiny 20-something who has a wisdom, knowledge, and maturity far beyond her years. She writes about a variety of topics and posts often, keeps you interested. I never know what she’s going to write on. Sometimes it’s a sad reflection about AG (you have to start reading her to know what that stands for) and then she’ll write a hilarious post about 12-year olds in an axe throwing contest at a Scottish festival.

My Thinking Posts: (As opposed to the ones I reread and wonder how many brain cells I killed during my heyday. Which probably explains the Tilted Head Syndrome.)

12/12/05 Ghetto Christmas

02/03/06 The Flight Out

02/15/06 Layers Of The Onion

02/16/06 Onion Soup

04/05/06 Media Roast

10/20/06 Thinking Room

11/22/06 Giving Thanks

01/30/07 Bum Fuck Egypt

01/24/07 Two Laughs

01/24/07 Dandelion Heads

02/20/07 George

03/22/07 "Be a good girl."

Now it's time to share the love to the following five. I tried to pick people who haven't received an award from me before or are not on my blogroll yet.

MENO'S BLOG I was hooked after reading Meno's post about buying her daughter a vibrator. I never knew a Mom could be so cool! I love that she's also down to earth, and exceptionally witty. Whether she's talking about the time she put a fish in her brother's car or about friendships of convenience (we've all had them), she always gets me thinking outside of the box.

MIND MOSS I can't believe Maggie hasn't been awarded this yet! Unless she has, in which case she should fake like she hasn't. Her poetry is some of the most beautiful I've ever read, completely thought provoking and raw. I look forward to going to her blog every Friday for the next verse. She's an extremely talented lady.

THE MOODY CHICK Wonder when it's OK to lie to your kid? Do you know what the six key steps to being a good salesperson are? MC's topics are always interesting and never cookie cutter. When she's not writing, she's posting pictures of her beautiful daughter and all her previous travels. Seriously, check out the photos. They're amazing.

LONG RELIEF Lefty is one of those guys who physically left bachelorhood, but never left it mentally. It probably has something to do with all the women in his life. I became a reader after finding his post on being left home alone. My favorite posts deal with stupid coworkers, bad haircuts, and really long nose hairs. I don't know if any of those posts can be considered "thinking" posts, but I like them, and I like how his mind works.

BUTTERFLY IN DISGUISE Some of my favorite "thinking" posts by BG deal with love, children, and catching the neighbors having sex. Yeah, that was the curve ball. Her blog is like a window into her world, completely honest and without disguise (despite what her blog title says).

Please pick up your shiny new awards HERE.

Tomorrow: Weekend Recap. It's going to be a doozy.
Wednesday: WWC Pictures.

My Other Half

(Guest post by Hoop. Maybe I can convert him into a blogger yet!)

Whats up everyone? Well, my amazing girlfriend just introduced me to this crazy machine called a "com-pute-r." Then she taught me about this so called "in-ter-net." That brings me to this post. Well now that you know how I got here and I am up to speed, I guess we can move on. I don't really know what to write, so I'll start out with a joke-

Q: What has six eyes and seven teeth?

The only catch is you have to read the rest of my post very carefully to find the answer.

So yesterday evening when I got home from work I let our dogs out. I delayed shutting the door for a minute to check out the scenery in our new back yard. When I decided to shut it, I guess Duff (Our cool, not so smart dog) thought I was opening it for them to come inside. He hauled ass like a crack hoe to the pipe at full speed head first into the door. It happened so fast, right in front of me. I felt really bad for him but then couldn't stop laughing after I realized he was ok. He seemed as though it didn't even bother him. Do dogs feel pain?

Did you guys catch the joke? I'll give you a hint, you gotta go back and read the Duff story, its somewhere right after the middle.

This weekend I have to take some insurance classes for my job so I can get the big dogs even richer. Maybe I can get them to take to some ideas I have concocted to make more money. We offer all types of insurances on our loans to protect the customer's interest.... as well as our own. If someone gets laid off from their job, injured and can't work, or dies, our insurance products pay on the loan. Sometimes they come in handy, but what we need to offer is prison and divorce insurance. Our area is crazy. I had a guy threaten to shoot me cause he got denied for a loan. We have a customer who is a really cool guy that got a DUI four months ago here in Fla and is not getting out until November just because it was a second offense in four yrs. That's a little ridiculous isn't it? And a ton of them have divorced since I got the job. Does anyone think I can sell my insurance ideas?

So anyways here is the real answer to my joke-

A: The night shift at the Waffle House.

I've been telling that joke for fifteen years now and nobody's heard it and I always get a laugh, unless its told in an area where there are no Waffle Houses. Feel free to use it with my permission and receive the same joy as I have over the years.

(Show the boy some love and comment! Have a great weekend guys.)

Pee-In-Your-Pants Good

InADvisable: Thank you Folioweekly for providing the blog fodder.

Women Seeking Men:

MY COWBOY LOVER. Looking for early 20s country boy, must love fishing, hunting, being outdoors. Huge truck is a plus. Me: 5'11", 145 lbs, country girl who loves anything outside: four wheelers, mud bogging, etc. Let's get dirty! Welcome to FRDN, Florida's Redneck Dating Network! If you have all of your teeth, press one. If you have more than two baby-daddies, press 2...

TESTING THE WATERS. You: hard working, outgoing, real man, loves Jesus, mud bogging, motorcycles, camping, and treating their women well. Mechanic a plus. 40-60, no young kids, no addicts. Me: single white female, 40's, willing to take a chance. I like how she slid the "mechanic a plus" line in there. This ad feels like a really cheap way of finding a new handyman. Make sure you check out the "pipes" before the car, buddy.

Men Seeking Women:

BENT HALO GOLDEN HEART. Old soul seeks playmate! Single white male, 50, 6', 200, seeking witty, erotic, slightly tainted, puritan female. Somewhere lost between misery, monogamy, and upward mobility is truth, poetry, and peace on earth! Can you dig it? Put. The bong. Down.

WHERE ARE YOU? White, 57, seeking adventurous lady to sail wherever the winds blow, marriage possible. So if you want an affectionate, honest, loyal man that's into family not sports, quiet evenings cuddling up together, I'm your guy. One child OK. But he draws the line at one and a half.

I Saw You:

THE ATLANTIC. Me: looking ultra hot in snake skin boots. You: looking sweet and vulnerable, unconscious in the bathroom. There's something sexy about a grown man being carried out like a baby! Meet me at the ATL for some projectile vomiting! Just make sure you check her purse for Rufies first.

FALLING FOR A FATALE. Arm wrastlin, PBR guzzling, First Coast Rollerderby girl. I can't roll you out of my mind. See you at your next bout? Knock 'em out!

WACKO'S BAR AND GRILL. You: hot, white lady; I think you're in love with me. We talked about you going to nursing school. I'll help you fund it. Me: short, big, white guy in tank top with Jheri curl mullet. Of course she loves you! Mullets are so irresistible.

ROBOT AFFAIR. You: Camel lashes, monster mashes, Godzilla and Panda-Z. I'll keep you warmer than a Transformer buy a robot I'll never be. But can you guess who would write this for you? Tell me the password and see.

GOT LOONS? I saw you with your loons and you were wearing those black ankle socks looking hot. I was hoping that we could share the loons and enjoy long walks on the beach with them and, of course, each other! Ok, so I looked up "Loons" and it turns out they're a kind of bird. But at first I was imagining mental patients on leashes. So you can understand how it made the list.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: Absolutely not. I'm putting my foot down, Hoop.
Hoop: Oh yeah? Well, I'm putting mine up!

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: My jaw hurts.
Hoop: *Smirk*
Tink: I think I was gritting my teeth in my sleep.
Hoop: *Giggle*
Tink: WHAT?
Hoop: I'm sorry. It's just, jaw pain always makes me think of blow jobs.
Tink: So... Are you implying I gave you a blow job in my sleep?
Hoop: No. But that would be fantastic!
Tink: Fantastic UNLESS I was also a sleep eater.

April Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. Oh shit its tink I'm feeling the love.
2. pickled chihuahua noses
3. jazzi from ass like whoa
4. "i'm too chubby for my shirt"
5. lone sailor carpet cleaning A new Lifetime show maybe?

Updates:
1. We got Internet at the house on Monday! Look for a guest post from Hoop soon.
2. Tuesday, the new cabinets arrived. We're still waiting on the counters and there will be some paint and tile repairs once they're through, but things are starting to come together. I should have pictures after this weekend.
3. There isn't a new chapter for Twisted Tink this week because I'm editing all the previous chapters and making some much needed additions and revisions. Hang tight. There should be a new chapter next week, once all the smoke and construction noises clear.

Little Known Stories

I don't believe I've lived long enough to know if history repeats itself.

But I know that I replay history all the time.

We all have a data base of stories. Whether they're boasted at parties or whispered in secret, we know exactly which ones will get a laugh, or a gasp, or prove a point. They're the moments we think define us. But what about the rest? If we never speak those runt memories, will they simply cease to exist? So today I'm going to dig into the lint trap I call my mind and dig out as many "little known stories" as I can find. Then I want you to do the same. Give us something new and never heard before. Throw down your runts.

Snap-N-Pop: I don't remember where Dad and I lived before we moved into the twinkie trailer. But I'll never forget the summer we moved in and I made it a mission to find friends. I was eight, awkward and shy, incapable of just walking up to someone and introducing myself. For some reason I thought I had to have an angle, something catchy that would make the kids approach me instead. My first attempt at drawing attention to myself came in the form of a bb gun, followed by a wrist rocket slingshot. I thought I was cool. That is, until I accidentally busted out the window on my Father's truck.

After that I resigned myself to walking the neighborhood. I passed by some houses, the ones I knew to have kids living in them, twelve times a day. I inquired at the local gas station where my Dad sent me for smokes and dime candy. I rode my little blue huffy for blocks in hopes that someone would mention my sweet ride. Nothing worked. A whole summer passed without a single friend to entertain myself with. It wasn't until the following spring that one of my "brilliant" schemes worked.

I was passing by a house one afternoon when I spotted two little girls practicing dance routines outside. I tried to catch their eye as I whizzed past, but they were too engrossed in the Butterfly and Tootsie-roll to notice. Finally it came to me. "Why don't I throw snap-n-pops to catch their attention?" So I armed myself with a hand full of crackers and got my bike off to a break neck speed (just in case they got mad and decided to chase me instead). Pop-Pop-Pop! Their heads raised like prairie dogs. I did it again. Pop-Pop-Pop! "What are you doing?" One of the little girls yelled.

"They're Snap-N-Pops!" I yelled back. "Have you ever seen them before?" I was thrilled. Maybe they would be impressed with my mad popping skills. I'd been practicing how to crack them off my shoe for days. "You can have some if you want. They're really neat." I said as they walked up to my bike. "Of course I've seen them before," the girl snapped. "They're what we give to my little sister on the fourth of July so she doesn't hurt herself." It was like being punched in the gut. "What I want to know is why you're doing them in MY driveway?"

Murder Mystery: It wasn't long after the Snap-N-Pop incident that I met up with the above girl again. I found her to be a lot nicer without her friend around. Within the month we were best buds. She taught me how to dance like a black girl and I taught her how to sneak out of her house after hours. The exchange doesn't seem very fair now. Especially since I can still dance and, well... Unless she's made a living as a criminal, I don't see how the skills I taught her could be very useful. My summers with her were some of the best in memory.

One summer, out of sheer boredom, we decided to spy on all the neighbors in the trailer park. "The Park" as I called it, was something of great mystery to her. She'd always lived in a nice house in a neighborhood. People didn't drink beer on their sidewalks or grow weed in their flower beds where she came from. So I humored her curiosity. It was during one of our "spy-trips" that we noticed something odd about trailer number 9. Although it was vacant, the door handles were pushed in so no one could enter or leave, the curtains inside seemed to open and close by themselves.

It was on one of the days that the curtains were open that we noticed the bullet holes in the windows and the crimson stains on the carpet inside. Stranger still, an umbrella magically appeared and then disappeared from view. It was because of these oddities that we came to this final conclusion... Someone had been murdered in there! Duh. Not only that. The murderer had been caught in the act and as punishment locked in the trailer forever more, destined to live out his/her days in solitary with only a curtain and an umbrella for amusement. Rough. We moved on to other projects the next week. I still wonder about that trailer though.

Your turn!

This Just In

By order of Tink and her golden poking spork:

NO ONE ELSE IS ALLOWED TO LEAVE!

Do you hear me blogosphere? I mean you.

Some of my favorite bloggers have closed up shop:
* The wonderful and witty Mignon.
* The clever and gifted Mamalujo.
* My first commenter and dear friend Debbie.
* And let's not forget FA, who vanished without saying a word.

It's breaking my heart. I know we're all just "internet friends." You all have lives and dreams outside this screen. But I really cherish you. So please. Please, don't leave.

Leftovers

Thanks for all the kudos yesterday! You guys sure know how to make a girl feel good.

Pamer, what you see in "All Natural" is the ceiling at Fall Creek Fall's guest center. It's made out of whole tree trunks. Not exactly what I pictured when they said, "Natural wood ceilings."

EASTER PHOTOS

Can you find six eggs?

(I just noticed this picture is crooked. More evidence of my Tilted Head Syndrome.)

Hiding Out


MISC. PHOTOS

The Last Ride


Do you have a little Captain in you?


HOUSE UPDATES

King Sized Couch


New Green Bedroom

(Oh my God. Is this picture crooked too?)

Painting Baseboards


THE WORST PHOTOS EVER

Say What?


"It was this big!"


Blackmail

(To be fair we were drunk, and apparently practicing our mean faces. I can't believe I'm posting this!)

Better Than A Thousand Words

Where The Rainbow Ends


Overcoming Fears


Junior Waterfall


Lazy Creek


My Honey and Me

What they meant by "All Natural."


Nood? Alright!


Icicles


Rust Colored


Got An Inner Tube?


Don't forget to check out Odd Mix's site for the contestants in the WWC. I'll be posting more pictures tomorrow. :)

Disappearing Act

I need a couple of days to get my shit together.

"Stay tuned to see Tink make a tiny shit snowball of her problems!"

This week has been full of goods, bads, and uglies. Ugly- Running around like a nut trying to get the house in order for Hoop's family. Bad- Hoop's Dad cancelling on us last minute. Good- A dear friend sending me a care package just as I'm deciding whether or not to hide underneath a rock somewhere. I'm fried. On the drive to work this morning I compiled three posts and a chapter of Twisted Tink in my head. But somehow in the translation from mind to screen it all came out as "DUR."

Thought provoking, I know. Eat your heart out Hemingway.

So I'm closing down for the weekend early. I'll be back on Monday. Hopefully refreshed and with pictures to share. While I'm practicing my disappearing act, I hope you all have a wonderful weekend that is warm and filled with fun. Until then...

Now you see me.

Now you don't!

Short and Stupid

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: I can't believe how many "W" stickers I still see on cars.
Tink: Stupid Bush. I say we boycott him by not using the letter "w" anymore.
Hoop: That...might...be...a...little...difficult.
Tink: Had to think about it first huh?
Hoop: Yeah.
Tink: Maybe we- crap. I used a "w".
Hoop: Give it up.
Tink: But it was such a good idea!
Hoop: We could boycott "u" instead. It's half of "double-u".
Tink: Why is that? Shouldn't it be called "Wah" instead?
Hoop: It's also the only letter without its own sound in its name.
Tink: Weird.
Hoop: Stupid Bush.
Tink: Yeah. Stupid Bush. Way to ruin a cool letter!

Hoop Quote Of The Day:
Is it just me, or does that man's mouth look like a talking pussy?

Spam Mail Subjects:
(YAY! They're back.)
1. "Stay at your place." I'll be waiting with a ball bat, buddy.
2. "Fraudulent Spam" At least they're honest.
3. "Want to get laid tonight? You can!" Pfft. Thanks for your permission.
4. "Extra Money Required" Extra money? What the hell is that?
5. "Join the BizOp of 2007" Fo shizzy.
6. "Call me back." I don't think you understand how EMAIL works.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
(Talking on two-ways)
Tink: Don't forget we're having dinner at my parents' house tonight.
Hoop: What? You're breaking up.
Tink: Don't forget we're having dinner at my parents' house tonight!
Hoop: Hold on babe.
Tink: *Grrr*
Hoop: Sorry about that. I was pulling into McDonalds.
Tink: WHAT? Why are you doing that?
Hoop: So I could hear you freak out when I told you.
Tink: You are such a shit.
Hoop: I know... So, what are we having?

Casting Call

Wanted: someone to play me in a made-for-TV movie.

You must be proficient in painting, not sleeping, and have the ability to fake enthusiasm. I won't lie; it doesn't pay well. But think of how great it will look on your resume! When you're done, you can replay it at night for a sleep aid.

Last night I painted baseboards until midnight. The highlight of my evening was when Hoop brought home tape so I wouldn't have to use a dust pan to separate the carpet from the wall anymore. Just typing that made me want to yawn. By eleven I had stopped pulling my hair from the paint and had started painting over it instead. There is enough DNA in my house right now to build a Tink clone.

Ah. A clone would be niiiice.

Hoop's Dad is coming in two days. If I don't sleep and skip every other meal I MIGHT get the house in order before he comes. Otherwise, I'm going to have to play Sophie's Choice on my "To Do" list. Do I clean the bathrooms or buy food? Move beds into the rooms or boxes out of them? Ugh. When does it end? I need a brain enema.

Eventually this will all be over.

There will be dishes in our cabinets and furniture in our rooms. We won't have to wash towels every night because we'll have more than two. I'll look back on all of this and laugh. The kind of laughter that is funny, not the hysterical kind I'm having right now. Hoop found two marbles in his car last night. "They're mine," I told him. "I lost them last week." He smiled in that pitying way and patted me on the head. "I know babe. I know."

April Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. Slime Sucker! Snot Licker!
2. Yo, make pickled beef Yo, I don't wanna.
3. "goes to my butt" What is, "EVERYTHING."
4. car drives when scary face pops out And that's how I got in the accident, officer.
5. fart poop pass gas fetish Hoop's dream chick.
6. week old beef stinks a little It's FINE. Go ahead and eat it!
7. Do you remember last night when you gave me head in the wal-mart parking lot? I should hope I remember if it was only last night.
8. nail polish evidence You've been reading too much Nancy Drew.

Button Pushers

You touched it didn't you?

I specifically told you NOT to push the big red button. Now look what you did!

You unleashed Fluffy.

Vacation Recap:
1. I loved airports as a kid.
2. Back then your family always greeted you at the gate, and the highlight of the flight was guessing what kind of meal you were going to get.
3. Now everyone gets off alone, no cheers or mad rushes for the first hug. There aren't in-flight meals anymore either. Just the option of whether you want a 3oz cup of water or juice.
4. 3oz! That's like a pudding cup.
5. The flight into Tennessee was good. Both planes were large and neither flight was over 2 hours.
6. On the flight home our planes got progressively smaller. On the last one we weren't permitted to bring our carry-ons or recline the seat. Hoop was practically hugging his knees.
7. I kept chanting, "I'm not really claustrophobic!"
8. Thursday night Hoop, Nash, and I went drinking down town. The atmosphere was perfect and the beers kept coming. By the end of the night we were spilling drinks, having mock fights, and taking goofy pictures of each other.
9. After looking at the evidence the next morning I asked Hoop, "What the hell was in that beer?!"
10. For them I think it was the high of being home. For me it was the high of not being up high anymore.
11. Friday we left Nashville for the cabin near Cookeville. Along the way we saw signs for Crossville, Knoxville, Centerville, and Scottsville.
12. If you haven't noticed, the whole state of Tennessee has a theme.
13. Once we got to the cabin we crashed out for a bit, followed by a lot of relaxing and a bit of loafing. Real productive stuff.
14. That night it snowed.
15. Hoop and I stood in awe of it. I tried to take pictures, like a dumbass.
16. Have you ever tried to take pictures of falling snow? It's impossible. It won't stay still!
17. Saturday morning we layered up and drove to Fall Creek Falls State Park, where I braved the swaying rope bridges for the chance to take pictures of beautiful waterfalls.
18. Of course my camera battery died just after I crossed the bridge. But the sights were worth it, and no one seemed to mind me borrowing their cameras.
19. That night the adults played poker. Not being one to gamble money I don't have, I decided to occupy the kids instead. The first game on the list was Animal Charades.
20. I realized pretty quick that it wasn't the best game to play with an imaginative seven year old.
21. The twelve year old and I would do animals like "cat" "dog" and "bear."
22. The seven year old did animals like "creature" "gremlin" "kick-boxing monkey" and "dead horse."
22. Sunday morning Hoop and I got up early to hide Easter eggs. In the past when the gatherings were bigger, even the adults got to go on the hunt.
23. It was hard to get Hoop out of that mentality. He kept trying to booby trap the hiding spots.
24. The rest of the family showed up that afternoon, including the cousin who has been keeping in contact with Hoop's ex.
25. The boys took him out for a talk, which resulted in the cousin getting defensive and then finally agreeing to drop communication with her. We all know that isn't going to happen. But I feel better knowing it was put out in the open.
26. Which leads me to a conversation Hoop and I had last night. Pardon the jump into the future. For a relationship that lasted a little over a year, and a marriage that lasted only two months (with no kids), this bitch is sure as hell hanging on tight.
27. Anyone know where I can pick up a can of Ex-B-Gone? Anyone?
28. Sunday evening Hoop and I flew home. We both agreed the vacation had ended way too soon.
29. But never fear... Nash and their father are coming to visit this Friday. Evidently they missed us too. ;)

Pictures coming SOON!

Leaving On A Jet Plane

We're leaving for Tennessee in three hours!

While I'm away there will be:








Daily Hoop Conversation:
*Loud shattering noise*
Tink: Please tell me you didn't just break our tile!
Hoop: No. I broke the dog dish.
Tink: How did you do that?
Hoop: I was juggling the hammer-
Tink: You were JUGGLING the hammer?!
Hoop: -and I dropped it.
Tink: Why the hell were you juggling a hammer?
Hoop: Because I thought I could!

Tink Quote Of The Day:
"Do you think people with diamonds in their teeth brush with toothpaste or Windex?"

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Hoop: Here, pack these for me.
Tink: Do I look like your Momma?
Hoop: My Baby-Momma.
Tink: Minus the baby?
Hoop: We have Jazz and Duff.
Tink: So I'm your Puppy-Momma.
Hoop: Yeah! Now go pack these for me.

Random Conversation:
Store Clerk: Can I help you with something?
Tink: I'm looking for a tiny Buddha doll.
Store Clerk: They're over here.
Tink: Do you have a "Money" one?
Store Clerk: You in need of some quick cash?
Tink: Yes. I mean, no. It's for my boyfriend. He accidentally left his in his car and then he sold the car.
Store Clerk: I guess that one wasn't very lucky huh?
Tink: I guess not. This one isn't starting off very lucky either.
Store Clerk: Why do you say that?
Tink: I'm LOSING money just by buying it.

Have a great weekend/holiday!

Of all places...

I have a hickey on my lip. (The lip on my FACE.)

I didn't even think that was possible! It was completely worth it though. Payment for last nights Cirque du Soleil of sex, minus the spandex and clowns. Take that evil house! I'm loving this "exorcise with love" idea. Of course, the lady at the book store probably meant EXERcise. But we're not talking technicalities. It's my blog, and I say I get both.

Today has been dragging. In between projects, I've been dwelling in memories I shouldn't and worrying about things I have no control over. I feel like I'm doing laps inside my head. So I'm taking a break from everything serious. You should too. Slackers love company after all. Enjoy some odd news on the house blog.

He Was Just "Chillin": Yesterday, a coyote strolled into a Chicago sandwich shop and popped a squat in their drink cooler. Since he wasn't acting aggressive, some of the customers took their time finishing their meals before calmly evacuating the store. "This one definitely I will definitely remember forever. A coyote in downtown Chicago," One inarticulate employee was quoted as saying.

I Didn't Do It Occifer: It's bad enough getting a DUI. Worse still when you go to your court hearing drunk. March 26th, a Glen Rock dude by the name of Paul failed a Breathalyzer test after appearing inebriated at his own drunk driving hearing. His excuse? He was still drunk from December. No, not really. But once you've screwed up that bad, why stop?

They Should Take Away His Artistic Licence: Briceson Bryan, a twenty year old from Austin Massachusetts, admitted to stealing a statue of the Virgin Mary last March after it was discovered in his girlfriend's closet. Felony charges were later dropped when Briceson agreed to pay the cost of restoration, as he had painted the statue to look like a CLOWN. Apparently, the circus is always in town in Austin.

Heard anything good lately?

Mazzel March

March Hit Statistics:
1. The primary day for hits was Thursday.
2. The most popular hour being 3pm.
3. The top referrers were Jay and Mamalujo.
4. The most used search term was, "T."
5. My favorite search term was, "Beer Wallpaper." Interior decorating for the TRUE alcoholic.
6. The highest hit post (214) was on March 14th, the day of Attaboys.

31 Quirks for 31 Days:
1. It has taken me 24 years to realize that the biggest challenge I will ever face is not understanding others, but rather understanding myself.
2. Last week I spent three hours surfing the web for cars, only to have Hoop toss my carefully selected stack of ads to the side. They weren't what he was looking for. I should have understood. Instead, I wanted to cry.
3. Then it hit me. I didn't care if I found the solution. I wanted the recognition that I had TRIED.
4. What an awful mentality to have in a society that rates you on usefulness.
5. Now I know how the maker of waterproof sponges felt.
6. When I was a kid I couldn't wait until I was old enough to eat dessert for dinner.
7. Now that I'm an adult I get cravings for salads and soups. Go figure.
8. I spent thirty minutes this morning brain storming new porn titles.
9. My top ten are: Mighty Joe Hung. The Pursuit Of Horniness. Happy Meat. Creamgirls. Men In Back. Snow White and The Seven Whores. Stranger Than Friction. The Filth Element. All Quiet On The Western Cunt. Get Well Poon.
10. I think when God was handing out brains, mine fell on the floor and rolled through the dirt first.
11. Hoop says my farts smell like cereal.
12. Do you think that has anything to do with growing up in the same town as a General Mills factory?
13. My Dad and I used to wake up in the morning, sniff the air, and place bets on what kind of cereal they were making.
14. I always guessed Lucky Charms. The thought of those Leprechauns sitting on rainbows making marshmallows all day...
15. ...was better than the thought of them being out of work and terrorizing us little kids like they did in that movie.
16. I never quite got over teething.
17. Most often the victims of my chewing habit are pens and tape.
18. One time it was a glowstick at a beach party. I ended up with dye in my mouth and neon teeth for two days. It was the first time that people encouraged me to talk MORE.
19. Sometimes (when I'm alone) I hum Barney songs.
20. I can never spell Restaraunt" "Restaurant" correctly.
21. One of the most frustrating parts of my job is coaching people how to use a computer.
22. I can sympathize with the temp employees who don't know how to use a mouse because they've worked labor jobs their whole life.
23. What I can't understand is when I get asked how to forward an email by a superior who is a college graduate.
24. I'm so bored right now I actually Googled Barbie to see if she still came with shoes.
25. And then I went on KFC's website to complain about an order of food I got last night. Somehow they'd managed to make it both cold AND burned.
26. Then I looked up upcoming movies for 2008. They're making a Jurassic Park 4 by the way.
27. After that I practiced typing my name backwards to see how quick I could do it.
28. I think I have adult onset ADD...
29. ...Or maybe it's the paint fumes. The guy at Home Depot told Hoop and I our kids are going to be born with two heads and three arms from all the paint we've been exposed to.
30. So on top of pretending to be experts they're pretending to be fortune tellers now? Shit, sign me up for that gig!
31. Have you noticed that fortune cookies don't actually have fortunes in them any more? They're more like sayings. "A rat who gnaws at a cat's tail invites destruction."
32. Hoop thinks it's because the cookie makers got sued when someone didn't get rich like their fortune told them they would.
33. Just in case, I think the makers of Girl Scout Cookies should start printing "FAT" on their product.
34. Because that's what I'm going to be if I finish off this box I've been working on all morning.

My Money's On The House

Weekend Recap:
1. Friday evening Hoop and I tried to cook dinner. It would have been the first time in the new house.
2. Within two minutes of turning it on, the oven was billowing black smoke.
3. The seller promised the oven worked. It doesn't.
4. On further inspection I realized the inside lining had been burned off. It looks like it happened a long time ago. So apparently the oven was just for show?
5. House: 1 Tink and Hoop: 0.
6. Saturday morning we went car shopping for Hoop. His "stang" was long overdo for a trade in. It took me awhile to convince him though.
Hoop: There's nothing wrong with my car!
Tink: Oh no? How about the gas leak, oil leak, broken AC, balding tires, right rear damage, spray painted bumper, peeling tint, busted wipers-
Hoop: OK! So there's some minor problems with it.
7. The new car is a 2003 Mitsubishi Eclipse, steel grey. Comparison pictures to come.
8. Sunday morning Hoop tried to install our surround sound... Again. It's been an ongoing project now for about three weeks with little success.
9. As with before, Hoop realized the attic is too small, the vaulted ceiling too high, the insulation too thick, and the walls too crowded.
10. House: 2 Tink and Hoop: 0.
11. Only this time it took him removing a piece of our outside paneling to realize it. Seeing holes in my house gives me the warm fuzzies, lemme tell ya.
12. Then our TV fell apart... Again. This will be the third TV we've had to exchange!
13. House: 3 Tink and Hoop: 0. You probably don't think this one is the house's fault. But I'm convinced it's screwing with us now.
14. Later that day we started to paint our bedroom. It went fairly quick at first, until we went to paint over the primer.
Hoop: Oh no!
Tink: What's wrong?
Hoop: The guy tinted the primer the exact same color as the paint.
15. Which meant we had no way of telling what had been painted over and what hadn't. I woke up this morning to a striped and spotted room. Apparently, the paint doesn't dry the same color too.
16. House: 4 Tink and Hoop: 0. We're on a roll now.
17. And if you want to count the windows, termites, nonfunctional outlets, and the two cabinet contractors who never called us back- House: 8 Tink and Hoop: 0.
18. To be fair, getting the ceilings textured was a fairly simple job. Of course, our fans were stolen in the process. So I'll give us each a half point. House: 8.5 Tink and Hoop: .5
19. That's pathetic.
20. Good thing Hoop and I are taking a vacation next weekend!
21. I think my sanity depends on it.

Big Bit Quote Of The Day
"Welcome to the house of flying dog bowls."

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(While painting)
Hoop: What are the dogs barking at?
Tink: They're mad because we locked them out.
Hoop: Maybe they're trying to tell us something.
Tink: Maybe. Phew. I think I'm high.
Hoop: That's it! They're trying to tell us we're killing ourselves!
Tink: What a crappy way to go.
Hoop: We should take a break.
Tink: We're almost done!
Hoop: *Starts breathing heavy* Paint. Fumes.
Tink: I used to tell people that when I died I was going to go back in time and be reincarnated as my dog. So it's possible that Jazz is me. And if Jazz is me, I think she'd be warning us about something else entirely.
Hoop: Like what?
Tink: Like, "Wait! Stop! You're going to regret that shade of green later!"

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: What are you going to name your new car?
Hoop: Name?
Tink: Yeah! I've always named my cars. First there was the Reliant named Tank. Then there was the Sunbird named Avery. It was highlighter blue. Then there was-
Hoop: -How about Silver?
Tink: As in, "Hi-ho Silver?"
Hoop: No. As in, that's the color of the car.
Tink: But that's boring! It's got to be something clever. My Mom once named a car James.
Hoop: James?
Tink: Home James! I think it was from "Riding Miss Daisy."
Hoop: I think you mean DRIVING.
Tink: That's what I meant.
Hoop: *Laughing* Riding Miss Daisy.
Tink: Wouldn't that be an awesome name for a porn video?

Tomorrow: Good-bye to March.